The irony of NC

[TheRedQueen]

Prior to joining and actively participating in this forum, I had never heard of, or about the concept of NC, in fact embarrassingly enough I had to ask a fellow ENA member what the abbreviation stood for, to find that NC meant "No Contact", interesting I thought at first, harsh, sad, interesting...

 

At first, what I found particularly interesting about the concept of "NC", was its prevalence, i.e. the frequency in which the term was used by both thread starters and posters alike. I've come to realize two important things regarding NC:

 

1. What it actually is, and

2. Why it's so popular.

 

1. My current definition of NC is that it is a break-up coping device usually activated and employed by the person who was either "dumped" (awful word) and, or wronged in the relationship, who despite their better judgement, still happens to have strong residual feelings of wanting to be with their ex.

 

2. Why it's so popular: Like duh, this is a relationship forum called "eNotAlone", which basically provides a perfect refuge for NCers to communicate their thoughts and feelings to intermediaries, as opposed to their exes. Makes perfect sense to me,

 

And now for the irony...

 

Just recently, for the first time in my life, I've been smacked in the face and stabbed in the heart by an NC situation.

 

Him = Me

 

Right now, at least for me that is, NC means No COMMUNICATION , and it's left me feeling utterly confused. Our relationship, which ironically was founded and perpetuated by both our mutual appreciation and capacity for communicating our thoughts and feelings with each other, went from 60 to 0 the instant he suddenly and abrubtly decided to go NC.

[annie24]

hm.. I don't really see it as ironic.

 

it's that:

 

relationship = communication

no relationship = no communication

 

no relationship + communication = a mess

 

it sounds like you both need time to heal. (((HUGS)))

[monkey1]

sorry to hear RedQueen!

 

I know, when I came here I too didn't know what NC meant. It's an interesting concept, but in reality, makes sense to me. It's difficult to move on from a relationship when you continue to communicate with the other party. Sure of course some people can move on while still talking, but generally, a good number of folks struggle with it. Suddenly going from someone being there all the time to suddenly them totally ignoring you like you don't exist.

 

Why did your boyfriend stop talking to you? Is it over, or is he needing some time apart to figure some stuff out?

[shes2smart]

Sounds to me like he decided, for whatever reason(s), that this relationship wasn't what he was really looking for after all.

 

I understand you're hurting, but look at it this way....better now than a few more months or year or more down the road, y'know? At least you know where you stand with him and can move on with a clean slate.

 

Personally, when it comes to relationship endings, I always liked them to end in the same way I'd prefer to remove a band-aid. Rip that sucker clean off in one fell swoop and pitch it....and I'll deal with the very intense, though temporary, pain. That seems better than peeling it off a little at a time and prolonging the agony.

[TheRedQueen]

He wasn't my boyfriend. In fact I wouldn't even now what to classify him as, I guess he was a person who meant (or truth be told, still means) a lot to me.

[TheRedQueen]

Sounds to me like he decided, for whatever reason(s), that this relationship wasn't what he was really looking for after all.

Yes,

 

I understand you're hurting, but look at it this way....better now than a few more months or year or more down the road, y'know? At least you know where you stand with him and can move on with a clean slate.

True.

 

Personally, when it comes to relationship endings, I always liked them to end in the same way I'd prefer to remove a band-aid. Rip that sucker clean off in one fell swoop and pitch it....and I'll deal with the very intense, though temporary, pain. That seems better than peeling it off a little at a time and prolonging the agony.

Yeah, but the strange thing is, that it wasn't a bad relationship, it only became one retroactively when he unjustly went M.M.I.A (mentally missing in action) on me.

[shes2smart]

Yeah, but the strange thing is, that it wasn't a bad relationship, it only became one retroactively when he unjustly went M.M.I.A (mentally missing in action) on me.

 

Eh, sometimes people are just flaky...and sometimes they don't see things the way we do.

 

I know there have been times when I've been totally miserable in a relationship and my (ex)SO thought everything was great.

[annie24]

I think s2s wrote a great post. I agree 100%

 

unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you find his decision to go NC just or unjust. breakups aren't a democratic decision. if one person wants out, that's that.

 

sorry

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm sorry this is really tough on you, redqueen. It must be painful.

 

I don't know, I think that NC is quoted a lot on this site, sometimes too much - for every situation it's produced as the answer. Having said that: yes, I do think it works. I think that it's something some people do automatically to let themselves heal. Whereas a lot of people need persuading to do this, because the imperative to keep in touch is too strong.

 

I know that when I am hurting badly, I need to kind of go cold turkey on someone. To get used to them *not* being in my life, to learn that whatever we had has passed. The temptation to call/text/email/MSN/visit etc is overwhelming, and so I have to have strict rules that I will not do this, no matter how tempting. Because I need to move on.

 

I do think that people are entitled to one last meeting though - to get closure for themselves and the other person. I think that's only decent, if someone needs it. But once and once only, and no begging!!

 

I suppose this is relevant because I think I need to do a bit of NC myself right now, and I just can't quite manage it - I can do about five days and then I give in!!! It's infuriating, and I need to get to grips with this.

 

Anyway, Shadowqueen, I'm sorry you're feeling in pain right now - this will pass, though.

 

Take care

[melrich]

Sorry to hear that TRQ. Not much anyone can say because obviously both parties have to want to be in the relationship. If one doesn't, well what can you do?

 

Look after yourself.

[TheRedQueen]

I know there have been times when I've been totally miserable in a relationship and my (ex)SO thought everything was great.

I understand that this often occurs between people, trust me I do, but I just so happen to have a relatively high EQ, which makes this situation all the more confusing.

 

I've never been one to delude myself because I absolutely abhor all forms of dishonesty. The truth often hurts, but it's ultimately all that there is, so I actively choose to pursue it and respect, with the deepest reverence, its authority. And the sad and perplexing truth here is that I was duped, I truly thought that he was being sincere, but I was being deceived. ](*,)

[annie24]

well... no breakup is ever 100% one person's fault or the other person's fault. True, most breakups aren't 50-50 either, but each person played a role in the demise of the relationship. Now is a good time to examine what you did that contributed to the demise of the relationship, and if you would do the same thing given the option to do it over, or in the next relationship.

 

ok, like, here is a generic example. say a guy breaks up with a girl because "she is too needy." she should sit down and examine if her actions were indeed, too needy, or if she was acting alright and he just had a low tolerance for being needed. get what I'm saying? The girl in this instance should sit down and evaluate if she needs to be more independent, or meet a man who enjoys being in such a relationship.

 

just something to think about....

[TheRedQueen]

unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you find his decision to go NC just or unjust. breakups aren't a democratic decision. if one person wants out, that's that.

He "broke up" with me via email!!! Call me old-fashioned but I've always adhered to the traditional style of engaging in a break-up CONVERSATION.

 

What I got was essentially an electronic NC notification. Two words come to mind here, WOW and OUCH!!!!!!!

[annie24]

hm. I guess it depends on the breakup itself. Sometimes if things are ugly, I would rather breakup via e-mail myself.... I know I certainly did that when I didn't feel that a guy I was with could even understand my point of view.

 

i am sorry you didn't get the convo you wanted.

[TheRedQueen]

I do think that people are entitled to one last meeting though - to get closure for themselves and the other person. I think that's only decent, if someone needs it. But once and once only, and no begging!!

 

Yup and that's exactly what I'm dealing with here, No Closure!!!

[TheRedQueen]

I don't know, I think that NC is quoted a lot on this site, sometimes too much - for every situation it's produced as the answer. Having said that: yes, I do think it works. I think that it's something some people do automatically to let themselves heal.

 

I know that when I am hurting badly, I need to kind of go cold turkey on someone. To get used to them *not* being in my life, to learn that whatever we had has passed. The temptation to call/text/email/MSN/visit etc is overwhelming, and so I have to have strict rules that I will not do this, no matter how tempting. Because I need to move on.

Thus the irony, and my confusion:

*I* didn't hurt him, *he* hurt me, then *he* went NC???

[TheRedQueen]

Sorry to hear that TRQ. Not much anyone can say because obviously both parties have to want to be in the relationship. If one doesn't, well what can you do?

Hold them at gunpoint?

"Okay man give me your love and commitment, or I'll shoot!"

[TheRedQueen]

well... no breakup is ever 100% one person's fault or the other person's fault. True, most breakups aren't 50-50 either, but each person played a role in the demise of the relationship. Now is a good time to examine what you did that contributed to the demise of the relationship, and if you would do the same thing given the option to do it over, or in the next relationship.

I am ALL about accountability, without it, how is one expected to ever grow?

 

Once again, the painful irony of this situation is that I cannot come up with any viable mistakes or faulty actions that were made on my behalf to validate such a cold conclusion. This has never been the case in regards to my past relationships, where I had been either actively or passively at fault for engaging in some unhealthy, not-rightness.

 

I honestly feel like a victim in this situation, and that's the worst part, the absolute WORST part!!!

[Daddy Bear]

please come up from the floor now, honey. no person is worth the price of your dignity.

 

as long as you're down there, though... do these shoes make me look fat?

[annie24]

I am ALL about accountability, without it, how is one expected to ever grow?

 

Once again, the painful irony of this situation is that I cannot come up with any viable mistakes or faulty actions that were made on my behalf to validate such a cold conclusion. This has never been the case in regards to my past relationships, where I had been either actively or passively at fault for engaging in some unhealthy, not-rightness.

 

I honestly feel like a victim in this situation, and that's the worst part, the absolute WORST part!!!

 

ok, well... for example, in the ficitional example I gave, "the needy girlfriend".... maybe she didn't do anything wrong either. maybe she was a great girlfriend, and baked her boyfriend muffins and gave him backrubs and brought over chicken soup when he was sick and called him everyday, but maybe her behavior just wasn't what the guy was looking for in a woman. and that is his perogative.

 

sometimes you have to come to terms with that the match just wasn't right....

[TheRedQueen]

sometimes you have to come to terms with that the match just wasn't right....

I'm an advocate for, and a believer in, this sentiment

 

But I am dwelling on this guy and this situation because I cannot make sense of it. For me, comfort lies in understanding, and I don't understand what happened. I hate this, awful, awful, awful.

[ElektraHere]

TRQ I was where you were. I couldn't for the life of me understand what happened? I was utterly at a loss. Everything was fine one day and then *poof* all that was gone.

 

I realized that the reason doesn't really matter anymore. I will never understand and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on it anymore. We were mismatched and at the time I couldnt see it but in retrospect I see it all to clearly. I think what was the hardest was the sadness of the what could have been.

 

I agree with SB pick yourself up, gather up your dignity, and walk proud. You know you tried and you were open. It was he who was one who was not open and if he really would have tried it wouldn't have been behind the guise of an email.

 

I hate this saying it is so cliche but "It's his loss and its one step closer to the one who is meant for you."

[annie24]

I realized that the reason doesn't really matter anymore. I will never understand and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on it anymore. We were mismatched and at the time I couldnt see it but in retrospect I see it all to clearly. I think what was the hardest was the sadness of the what could have been.

 

yeah, I hear you! I have been there too. I think that something that many people do, especially women, is look at the relationship for what it *could* have been in the future, instead of looking at things as how they are, at that time.

[annie24]

I'm an advocate for, and a believer in, this sentiment

 

But I am dwelling on this guy and this situation because I cannot make sense of it. For me, comfort lies in understanding, and I don't understand what happened. I hate this, awful, awful, awful.

 

were there any fights, arguments, incidents, miscommunications?

 

there are ALWAYS some signs leading up to a breakup. or at least 99% of the time....

[hosswhispra]

Hello RedQueen,

 

Hugs to you....I know the feeling is terrible when someone just stops talking with you. Iowa guy stopped talking with me when I came back from visiting him...and I knew him for 2.5 years. He did not give me any warning, whatsoever...no email, no phone call, no nothing. I know he is okay, too...

 

 

I am sorry that you have to go through this--it sucks, for the lack of a better word.

 

All the best. Keep your chin up. The pain that you feel now won't last forever.

 

hosswhispra