why do guys always think we're nagging?

[shorty20]

So I've had this problem with my fiance latley. When I remind him of something he has to do, or somewhere we have to go, or just remind him about anything, he says that I'm nagging him. We were taking our dog to his obedience class the other night and I reminded my fiance that we had to get food while we were at the pet store, and he said I was nagging him... but the thing is if I don't give him those little reminders, he forgets. If I don't remind him to take his anti-biotic, he forgets. If I don't remind him that we're having dinner with his family, he forgets... but he gets annoyed at these little reminders I give him (I only usually tell him once to remind him) and tells me I'm nagging him. I've never ever wanted to be the nagging fiance/wife so it upsets me when he says things like that. He also has this problem where he says things to me like "you're selfish" or "you're self-centered" and then when I react (I don't get mad, just ask how am I selfish? etc) and he says "oh, i was just joking"... it's hard to tell when he's joking and when he's being serious and alot of the time I think he uses his "joking" to be able to say the things he wants to without getting into trouble.... anyone have any insight on any of this? I'd love to hear it!

[WorkNProgress]

Are you his fiance or his mother? It really does get on a guys nerve to constantly be reminded of things to do. We think we are being helpful when it does sound like nagging to them. I say let him do what he needs to do. If he forgets he only has himself to blame. If he is that forgetful perhaps he should get that checked out by a dr. He either isnt paying attention to things that need to be done or he doesnt care if they are done.

 

Overall I would suggest to stop reminding him of things

[blueangel]

Give him a planner and leave him be. I hate when people do that to me also- whether it be extreme nagging or just a reminder. No one likes to look at how unorganized their life is. thereforeeee, if you really care- give him the tools to be organized, not the constant reminders that he isnt. The skills he has to aquire on his own.

 

Anyways, he ultimately believes you are nagging and feels that way. If he feels that way, it's important to be sensitive to it- don't question yourself. Just understand where he's coming from. I know you have good intentions and he probably does too.

[shorty20]

ya I guess I could just let him make his own mistakes and maybe he'll learn to remember things on his own, or pay the consequences... but what about the insults and then just brushing it off like he's joking? I've told him about it before and he just tells me to quit being a 2-year-old and that he was just playing around.... to me it's not that funny when he tells me I'm selfish, since the last 2 months all I've been doing is takign care of him and his needs since his accident.

[ImThatGirl]

Are you sure we aren't seeing the same person?

 

Stating that "we need to get dog food" while at the pet store is not nagging. My bf and I are always reminding each other to do stuff. But sometimes he says I nag too. My thoughts are - We wouldn't have to nag or act like a mother if they would just do what they need to do.

 

My guy used to "joke" all the time. Finally, I turned the tables. I gave him a hard time about something. He was a little upset. Then said "well guess if I can dish it out I can take it." But then followed with: "But if something is said there is usually some truth to it." I responded with "Man, I haven't taken notes on any of your jokes because you said they were just fun. You'll have to remind me of all the little things that bug you now..."

He hasn't joked much since.

[Meow18]

Can I ask, how do you know he will forget? I mean, if you keep reminding him, then you aren't giving him a chance to remember to do it on his own.

 

In ways I don't think you are nagging. But if you try to see it from his side, maybe he feels like you just don't give him a chance to remember things for himself. Maybe it bothers him because he really does remember..

 

He needs to be responsible for himself, and it seems like he is asking for that responsibility. So, if he forgets something, then it's his own fault.

[shorty20]

ya it's just kind of frusterating. What happened was we were supposed to bring dog food to the obedience class because we were working on them eating. We had run out the night before so I reminded him we needed to be a little early so we could buy him some food. I guess it could get annoying though. But his constant "joking" irritates me when I put so much into pleasing him and doing everything I can for him and then he tells me I'm "selfish" because it's 10:00 at night and I have to get up at 6:00 in the morning and i'm too tired to give him head? Seems a little "selfish" of him to have such expectations.

[shorty20]

Meow, I know he'll forget because of a few things... he's supposed ot take his anti-biotics after he eats, twice a day. If he dosen't, he'll get another infection which will result in more surgury. I've not reminded him before because of things like us not eating together or something like that, I'll see him at about 9:00 at night and ask if he took his anti-biotic and he'll say no, he forgot. I made plans for him to meet my grandparents yesturday night (we're gettign married in 2 months and he still hasn't met them) and he tells me wednesday night that he forgot and made plans for us to have dinner with his friend. I'd reminded him since sunday that we were eating with my grandparents... for the most part I think it's the medication he's on, but he also had some serious trauma to the head and i think it makes him forget thigns sometimes...

[Meow18]

I agree with you. It's completely disrespectful and rude to joke about that with you. Jokes are supposed to be funny, not insulting. And your supposed to be able to tell when a joke has been made.

 

You need to talk to him about how you feel about his "jokes" because it's definitely not right of him.

[Meow18]

Well, I hate to say it, but you are about to marry an irresponsible guy. If I was that unforgettable, then I would hope to have someone like you around who cares enough to remember for me.

 

It's tough because what can you do? Remind him and then have to be called a nag? Or don't remind him and see him hurt himself by not taking his antibiotics?

 

Maybe you should talk to him about this?

[DN]

Try a different tone of voice - very often a patronising tone of voice will sound like nagging.

[shorty20]

Well he only has a few more days with taking the anti-biotics so after that I shouldn't have to nag him since all the other stuff is less imprtant. It's just frusterating when I have to cancel plans (like dinner with my grandparents) because he forgets and plans something else. I'll remind him about stuff through the week, every time I do he'll say "oh yea!" like he forgot about it, then when I mention it the day of the plans he'll be like "man I don't want ot do that!" errr..... so frusterating. I bugged him for a month and a half ot get some paperwork done for our wedding. It's paperwork that had to be filled out so we could go through the councelign so we could get married at the church. It took him literally 10 minutes to fill it out (i sat there while he did it) but it took him a month and a half to do it even though he sits at home all day long since he's on con. leave. I love the guy to death but sometimes I just want to strangle him, lol.

[Beec]

but the thing is if I don't give him those little reminders, he forgets. If I don't remind him to take his anti-biotic, he forgets. If I don't remind him that we're having dinner with his family, he forgets... but he gets annoyed at these little reminders I give him

 

Kind of sounds like nagging to me.

[SarahRose]

I would just stop reminding him to do anything. It really isn't your job. Remember he has managed to survive just fine before you were in his life.

 

About forgetting plans and him making other plans and you always changing yours to accommodate him, Stop doing that! You are teaching him that what you do isn't important and he can continue as he has with no consequences.

 

As for the insults, have you ever thought that maybe you are just doing too much for him and it makes him feel guilty and resentful?

 

I don't think I would do everything for him as it sets you up to be a doormat.

[rmpavlock]

I personally don't think reminding someone is nagging. If you kept on about it or started constantly getting on him about the same thing, that would be nagging. Also, the fact that he tells you you're selfish and then claims it was a joke is pretty crappy behavior from someone you are going to soon be marrying. Joking around that someone is selfish and self centered is not funny at all, even if he says it is.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

If you stop reminding him of things for a week or so, it may pain you to see him mess up, but it's the only way to teach him, so to speak.

[djzen]

theres a way to rid of this problem.. maybe a few.

it happens to me alot so ill tell you how to make it less annoying to him.

 

1- you call him to "talk" for a minute and then go " oh ! yeah, did you get the pet food ? it's starving here ! poor hamster !"

 

2- you wrap your arms around him and kiss him and then you say "pet food , honey" and then you say thanks honey and say you love him.

 

dont:

text him to remind him

say it directly

remind him if it sounds annoying

[JSMITH]

Try a different tone of voice - very often a patronising tone of voice will sound like nagging.

 

exactly!

 

 

try, 'honey, I will need to stop by at the pet store on our way back. Will you come with me?'

rather than "we have to get some food from the pet store"

 

try, 'what should we bring over for the family dinner tomorrow night?'

rather than "we have the family dinner tomorrow night"

 

I am not saying you ARE nagging him, but if you want to marry this guy and things to work out .... you might have to find different approach.

[talo]

Good point JS. In other words assume he has not forgotten and just have a conversation. eg, "won't it be great when you don't have to take your medication.".... "I'm looking forward to the family meal tomorrow, how about you?" etc

[babypink61]

lol my boyfriend is the same way!! He tends to procrastinate on things so sometimes I'll give him some friendly "reminders" and he would accuse me of "nagging" him. Now I just learn to bite my tongue and let him deal with it. Unless it's something extremely important, then I usually just let them be . . .

[RayKay]

Well, it is about how you "remind" him that is the issue here too....I mean my boyfriend and I both "remind" one another of things without nagging, and he generally asks me to remind him of things (as he has a horrible short term memory!) which I will do, no problems. If it comes off as patronizing or "motherly" though it can be annoying, whether you are male or female.

 

For me, the bigger issue here is that he calls you selfish, and so on...

First off...if he really feels that way...why is he marrying you? Second, if he feels this way of you, do you really want to be with someone whom feels that way? I believe in the "there is a grain of truth to anything"...he is being passive aggressive by brushing it off as a joke, because telling someone they are self centered is clearly not a lighthearted joke....sorry, but I would find those passive aggressive insults to be intolerable.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I put it like this when me and my wife have the Nagging chat.

 

Say once thats news

Say twise thats a reminding

Say a 3ed time that's Nagging

 

its thats simpal if I forget after thats my dumb falt and I have to face the concqwances,

 

But what gets me in the past with my old GFs was the "something he has to do" I found things where made "something I have to do" and I seemed to have missed that meeting. Thats when in the past it really drove me nuts.

 

But I think your not nagging not on the 2ed reminder, its all down to the lines you set out on responcabiulty in the home.

 

Me and my have have this rule,

 

Every thing inside the home my wife if in charge of, she has the last word, where stuff, all our stuff! what the house looks like and what room is used for what.

 

Every thing out side the home comes under my remit, Garden, Car, trips etc I have the last word on. Jobs and work are each our own, and Kids a joint thing. That saves sooooooo much arguments if my wife says I must do a thing for the home I do it dos not matter how many times she tells me shes the boss. The same way if shes got the car I set the rules on usage.

 

For us it works.

[scarew]

If he is a forgettful guy, he always will be. If you are reminding him because you care about him its not nagging. If you are reminding him because you are trying to change his forgettfullness then its nagging.

 

In my relationship, I am the forgetful one. Or so it seems. There are probably things you do that he would remind you about but he doesn't want to nag you. If it's something important like anti-biotics, and you truly just want him to stay healthy, go and get his pill for him and put it beside his plate and give him a kiss and say "here you go sweetie". But if its not that big of a deal don't bother yourself with it. Write pet-food on a shopping list on the fridge or ask him on his way out the door "Oh shoot we need pet food could your grab some honey?".

 

Take the others advice, choose your words carefully. Little things like that make all the difference. As far as your fiance being an "irrisponsible guy", that is obviously just a part of him. Some would look at it as easy going. Either decide that it is something he will always do and giggle about it and love him for it, or leave. People don't change things like that. I am sure you will learn to appreciate the other areas he makes up for for his forgetfullness.

 

Cheers,

Sarah

[freedom]

are you nagging again??

[jazzgirrl]

Shorty...please don't take this wrong, but if I hadn't of read the other posts before this one...I would have thought you were his mother.

 

It hardly matters if he forgets or doesn't forget...he will eventually resent you for doing everything for him. It's a threat to his masculinity.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't lift another finger for him. He needs to grow up.