Dealing with a complicated recent breakup

[insofar]

Hi guys. I've never been here before but this has been one of the most trying times of my life and I guess it just makes it somewhat less painful to talk about it.

 

I met my girlfriend in an online game we both played a little less than two years ago. We fell for each other pretty quickly once we started talking and about six months in I bought a plane ticket to come see her. I live in Canada, she lives in the States. The three weeks I spent with her were some of the happiest days of my life, and other trips have been much the same (I believe there have been around six or seven now, half each way, each about a month long; I work my job over the internet so I'm able to sustain myself). We otherwise keep in contact through IMs and phone, usually a few times a day. I'm finishing up a computer programming course here but we've always managed to be able to see each other at least every few months; the longest we've been apart is around four and that was very trying for both of us.

 

She has been dealing with major depression issues since far before she met me. I've known about these the entire time and all I've ever wanted to do is help her through them. Recently, though, she's been crying for no reason and has recently switched her antidepressants. For weeks since she came here (about a month ago) I've been working and waiting for my paycheck to come through etc., and she has kept telling me that she couldn't wait for me to fly down there (as this was the plan all along). Yesterday, though, when I saw her login and said hi, she said she wanted to break up because she wanted to focus on her mental health right now, and thought that our relationship was a small part of the problem. She said it would probably be better if we didn't contact each other at all again after that message, to which I said that it wasn't fair of her to be doing this now, in her state of mind, especially considering that the exact same thing happened the last time she changed her meds (which she acknowledged was because of the way she was feeling at the time).

 

I love her so much. I'm giving her the space she needs, and I know that she may not actually contact me again. But this is insanely frustrating and painful to me. There was no indication at all that she thought things were going sour; up until about two days prior to the break up message she was saying that she couldn't wait for my check to go through so I could come be with her. And as I said before, this exact same thing happened a few months back, though then she called me two days later and got back together. So I don't know whether it's a temporary thing due to her meds, or whether as she said on the phone after that message that "she loves me but isn't sure whether she's in love with me". And what if it is better for her mental health not to be with me? I don't think that would help her depression much to be honest, but I guess that's not for me to say.

 

I don't know. The only thing I can do right now is wait and let her come to me if she's going to do that. It's just painful and frustrating. I'm not afraid to say I would do anything to have her back. Whenever we are actually together, we're both very happy. I just hope that this is a temporary thing and she does still love me.

[debsea]

Hiya, I don't know much about long distance relationships, but has she ever said how well she copes with the times your apart. The lonliness of it could be adding to her mental stresses, and maybe thats why she's made the choice she has. I have considered leaving my bf because I find the fact that I see him only every other weekend, and he only lives a mile away, distressing and makes me feel more lonely than when I'm on my own.

 

Its just a thought, I hope it works out ok for you.

[insofar]

Unfortunately, I know for a fact she doesn't take it as well as I do. I'm not deluding myself on that one. For all I say about how we can get through this it might just be that she can't... which is also pretty depressing.

[RescueDiver]

I've had more than my share (I think) of long distance relationships. I can probably count on one hand the number of non-long-distance relationships I've had. Some people, when they are going through a crisis of whatever sort, seek to de-complicate (if that's a word) their lives. Often times it seems that a relationship can be the first thing that gets dumped. It doesn't seem to matter if the relationship is going well or not. If a relationship (especially a long-distance one) is going well, and you aren't able to see each other very much it can be very very painful. Some see that the absense of the relationship might be less painful and that's why they end it. Even people without depression issues can do this.

 

My ex-girlfriend Marissa and I lived over 350 miles apart and dated on and off for three years (longest stretch was just over a year). The longest we were apart was a month and basically after that I decided that we wouldn't be apart that long again because it seemed to create problems where there really were none. Plus major reasons for our various break-ups over that time could be linked to times when she was under a tremendous amount of stress.

 

My hope, is that this is just a med-issue or a temporary thing for your girl. My sense is that if she trusts you and needs you... she's going to contact you again. Unless she's the sort of person that pushes everyone away when their life gets rocky. Really all you can do is wait and see (and pray... it works, trust me ).

[insofar]

Thanks, and I hope it's a temporary thing too, though the more I think about it the more I wonder that even if it is to do with her mental state, that it still could be permanent. I just wish she would let me in.

 

The day before she sent the message she said that her mother had suggested we go to counselling when I get there; at the time I was confused because I didn't see any problem with the relationship but looking back I probably should have asked how that came up... But at the time, she also said she didn't think we needed it.

 

God, I wish I could just stop going through everything in my head over and over. It's not going to do anything for me but I can't help it. There's so much I think of that I want to say to her, to ask her, but I know I shouldn't until (and if) she contacts me. I hope she does, and does soon though.

[insofar]

Well, it's slowly getting less torturous to deal with. I'm trying to accept the fact that this is it at this point and that even if it's not, it's not within my control, she will have to come to me. I was able to at least sleep a few hours last night (the night before I wasn't able to sleep at all).

 

I've been fighting with myself as to whether I should remove her from my Yahoo buddy list. I don't want to block her as I want to keep the lines open if she wants to use them, but seeing her on there gets difficult sometimes. I think I probably will delete her eventually but right now it would be too painful. What do you guys think, am I just making things difficult on myself?

 

I never really thought I would be here, posting anonymously under an alternate nick to a forum I've never been to before. But I think you guys have been very helpful. It's nice to be able to spill your guts somewhere; it makes losing her slightly less lonely. Thanks.

[insofar]

She contacted me. She wants to keep open contact now as it's painful for both of us to not talk at all, but she also wants to stand by her decision to be apart for now. I went as far as asking her point blank whether the problem has been, on the whole, depression issues or whether she was just losing interest in me, and she said she really didn't know. (Earlier in the conversation she had also said that the problem was just her.) I said we'll just see where this leads us for now.

 

I didn't want to confront her tonight, but it feels like she's evading my questions on purpose. I don't want to be kept on the back burner per se. It is relieving to be able to talk to her again but I'm mostly still as confused as ever. We'll see where this goes... I think it could realistically go either way.

[AngelEyez]

Dear Insofar,

 

I was reading your posting about the relationship with your girlfriend, and it was nearly identical to mine. I met my boyfriend in an on-line game as well. I live in Canada and he lives in the U.S. We've only seen each other twice for now, but there are many more visits to come. I have been feeling more depressed lately too. Do you know where her depression is stemming from? Sometimes when I feel down, it's because I look back at my past too much. I also get depressed when I think of the future. "What if he breaks up with me? What if he cheats on me?" But, I guess that's the whole trust issue. I'm pretty sure your girlfriend is as confused as you are at this moment. Most likely, she still loves you. You should try asking her about her feelings and sympathizing with her. You said you asked her, "Is the problem depression issues or losing interest in me?" In my situation, it's depression issues. I'm not saying she's the same as me, but if you love someone, you can't totally lose interest in them, right? The long distance relationship may contribute to her depression. Does she have doubts about your relationship working out? I'm assuming everyone has their doubts, long distance relationship or not. I get confused myself sometimes; I always think "What if..." and it gets my boyfriend aggravated. For now, try to be there for her, if not as a boyfriend, then as a friend. You obviously still care for her, so let her have someone to talk with and share her feelings. This will most likely be hard, but try and get through it.

 

AngelEyez

[insofar]

Yeah, one of the things I told her was that I had all the time in the world. She knows how I feel about this (I love her and want her back). But if she needs time apart from me to sort things out, I'm more than willing to give her that.

 

She said, when she broke up with me a few days ago, that she didn't want to marry me and so didn't want to force me to move without that commitment, but I never really expected her to have to marry me before I moved to be with her. Even so, in the absense of anything else I'd still want to have a long distance relationship.

 

PS: What game did you meet your boyfriend in, if you don't mind me asking? Mine was link removed (and I hope she doesn't come accross this thread now as that would just about confirm my identity. )

[AngelEyez]

Hey,

 

The game my boyfriend and I played was Call of Duty 2. It's a Multiplayer On-line War type of game, I guess. We had ventrilo going and everything. BANG BANG BANG*

 

 

AngelEyez

[insofar]

Tonight's conversation has made me force myself to accept that it's over. She once again reiterated that she is no longer in love with me (though still loves me) and doesn't want to think about us getting back together yet. I'm pretty sure it has a lot less to do with depression and more to do with it just fizzling out for her. So I'm back to where I was yesterday before she messaged me. Now, at least though, I think I'm doing a bit better. I can go a few minutes between thoughts of her. I can get through this.

[Ellie2006]

Hey ISF,

Sorry for your pain.

LDRs are tough!

But the distance can actually work FOR you.

I was in a LDR and when we broke up, I think it helped that I didnt have to worry about running into my ex at some random place on the street ...

Hang in there!

[insofar]

I've created a special "Exes" group at the bottom of my Trillian contact list, moved her in there, and closed it so I don't see her icon. I told her that since she said earlier that she isn't comfortable with conversation every day yet, that I needed to heal so I would either delete her icon or hide it as I said above, but she could still message me when she wanted. She understood.

 

And it seems to help a bit.

[Ellie2006]

Hey ISF,

Sounds like you're doing well on your road to recovery!

Best wishes to you ...

[Anotherday]

I am sorry this happened. As someone who has struggled with my own mental health issues, I sort of understand where she is coming from, if she's been honest with you.

 

There is value in not being with someone until one is well. Depression skews everything. I myself know I have no business being in a relationship until I am in a good place, but I do it anyway. This time, I am really going to take a year off from any involvements with men. They mess with my head too much.

 

If it's meant to be, she will come back to you. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[insofar]

Yeah, I'm leaving the door open if she wants it, but she has said not to expect her to switch back in the next few days or anything. I don't know, has anyone had a relationship where one partner has told the other that they're not in love with them any more and recovered? Unless this is due to her mental state as well, I doubt the flames for me will come back any time soon.

[Anotherday]

I think it's hard to be in love when was is dealing with serious mental health issues. I thought I was in love with this guy and he's pretty much killed it, but if he changed, I dunno. Sounds to me like you've been a wonderful guy, so it's really on her. Depression really messes things up.

[insofar]

I know. I hope it is. It's just very difficult to get over someone while leaving the door open if they want it. Hopefully the things I've put in place to not remind me of her will help me through that.

 

Thanks

[RescueDiver]

Yes it is hard to get over someone and leave the door open... just make sure you know when to let go. If you didn't read my thread in Breaking up about Marissa, you might want to skim through it. Just in case she does come back I'd hate to see you end up in an on/off relationship like I was in.

 

 

[insofar]

I was doing better this morning... I'm thinking about her again, wanting her to message me and realize that this is a mistake. I know it in all likelyhood won't happen, but I miss her so much. I was talking to a friend of hers from the game that we used to play, who has also recently been pushed away. We both think there's something going on with her, and I asked her to try to be a friend to her in the game for now, since I can't as it would be weird for me to be in the game right now.

 

God I hope she realizes she loves me. She may not though, and I'm putting things into place now so that I can heal if that happens. Going out with a bunch of friends this week for example. I want this hole in my chest to close...

[insofar]

On the whole, I've been doing better. Last night, I couldn't sleep much, but I stayed up and talked to people. I couldn't get her out of my mind, even though I haven't contacted her in days. I keep wondering how her heart could have gotten so cold so quickly, and what about me drove her away, even though I know the answers to these questions are "it didn't" and "nothing". I am able to at least function in every day life again. I've been back to my job for a while and will be going out pubbing with some friends on the weekend.

 

Life isn't the same, but moves on. Who knows what the future will bring?

[insofar]

She messaged me again, and while it started off kinda distant and weird, it got pretty personal within a few minutes. She's incredibly conflicted recently. Apparently she misses me, but really likes being on her own, and has been feeling a lot of the same pain I have been. I still don't know what's going to happen, but it was good to talk to her again. I'm still giving her her time and space and letting her message me. I've made it clear to her that this is a decision that she has to make and that me saying much about it wouldn't help anything.

 

*sigh*

[RescueDiver]

Well, that's better than nothing I suppose. Whatever the result shee needs to really sort her life out or it wouldn't do you any good anyway. Good to hear you are functioning well day to day. It will gradually get better with time. I'd say be patient... but I know first hand how hard that is.

[insofar]

Well, a month later, my day today has been probably the best one so far. I didn't wake up thinking about her. That was a first. Sometimes, my mind goes to her, but often when I think about it I don't feel the same pain that I felt before. I've been able to enjoy myself a little more today.

 

To those who are just going through this, there is one thing I would recommend, and that is no contact. It was the one step I had to take to really start healing. Tell them your feelings, tell them you still love her, tell them that if they want to try again (and you do) that they should tell you, but don't try to be friends for a while, it won't work and it will only make you feel horrible when you talk to them.

 

As life changing and seemingly empty and lonely as it seems to no longer have your ex in your life, without them there you will start to realize that you have a huge life outside of them waiting for you, a life that is still there and will have more experiences for you that will make you a better person for having them.

 

We'll be alright.