so, the typical does one evil justify another?

[studbaker99]

this is the classical 'lover snoops around email/drawer and finds potentially incriminating evidence that the other lover might have cheated'.

 

The problem tho, is that if this indeed happened, it was before we became bf/gf in the official sense of the word, but we had been hanging out fairly steady for 4-5 months already. (we've been a total of 8 months hanging out now), so technically we weren't yet exclusive.

 

Now what happens is that apparently this person just contacted my gf asking to 'play again'- the 'again' triggered my curiosity, so that's why i snooped some more and found some more correspondence going on back in June, that something may have happened.

 

I can't quite confront her because I found this out through snooping in her email account. It does disturb me that she may have frolicked with another guy while de-facto-exclusively dating me. But it irks me more that she as of yesterday replied to the guy in a friendly tone, and inquiring how his schedule was looking like.

 

I'd like to talk to her later today and tell her that I trust her, and that I care for her, and basically remind her that 'hey im here, im real' and hopefully her email conversation will end there innocently. But part of me also doesnt trust that she'll do such a thing and I want to snoop some more and delete his email and try to curb temptation that way. I know one evil does not beget another, but I can be really inscure.

 

What to do??

[AwdreeHpburn]

Just ask her..."oh, who's blah blah blah"

 

Then gauge her response.

 

If she's all, "HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?!?!" or "WHY?" Then most likely, she's hiding something.

 

If she's more, "Oh, this guy I met at xxx" Or, "he's my tennis coach, my dad's friend, a guy I cheat off his math papers"....etc. It's prolly innocent.

 

BUT don't expect her not to question how you learned his name either way and you better have something soilid to offer when she does. Like - THE TRUTH - or, "Oops, um, you left your e-mail up the other day and I saw a message from him. I was just curious."

 

You should be up-front about how you found out and apologise - but I'd find out first.

[rose2summer]

If you weren't exclusive back then, then what did she do wrong?

 

I think snooping is very damaging to a relationship because it shows lack of trust.

 

Trust is the foundation of a relationship so it's absolutely necessitated.

 

What made you decide to snoop?

 

Has she shown any signs of cheating while with you?

 

Hugs, Rose

[studbaker99]

perhaps not cheating, but we hang out a LOT and I am privy to 95% of what goes on in her life. But there's 5% that I do not know. And for instance, there are times when we aren't hanging out together, and I'm not sure where she is, that makes me wonder... well yes I am naturally jealous, I'll admit to that...

[Drunk]

This is a bit of a toughy...I would say that if it did happen while you two were together ( in any sense, exclusive or not ) then you do have a right to call her on it like Ta Ree said. I would be careful though, does she know you can read her email n stuff? That may cause problems within itself right there. You do have a right to be jealous like every other guy in the world, but I would be careful about saying anything that would make her think you don't trust her (especially since you guys just hooked up a few months ago and if she hasn't shown any signs of cheating ) Girls hate to be accused of stuff when they don't deserve it. Good Luck Pal, let us know what happens

[studbaker99]

no she doesn't know i was/am able to read her email. Obviously if I call her on it she will know that I might have read something somewhere, so I *suppose* the 'trick' would be to just broach the topic as if we're having a conversation about nothing and it gradually progresses into more serious relationship discussion, like perhaps, blah blah blah , you know i really enjoy being with you, the sex is great, have you been with anyone else since we've been together?

 

OK, I feel a bit hypocritic myself - something I need to let out - the whole story goes as follows, we started off dating, but after a couple dates it she told me she didn't want anything serious, but we were attracted to each other, so we became intimate on a regular basis, under the 'friends with benefits' clause. Right about when I started dating/being 'friends with benefits' with her, I also met someone else, and for a couple of times we also were intimate. Technically it was perfectly 'legal' - to be honest, the only reason I even hooked up with this other girl was because the first girl just wanted 'friends with benefits' and I wasn't going to restrict myself to her/for her if she wasn't willing to go the extra step, even tho I wanted/had in mind to go exclusive. Me and the second girl went out on a couple dates, but we figured out we were in different stages of life and well, huh, we also became friends with benefits for a very short while. Plus I was really interested on the first girl anyway.

 

So I suppose if I could fool around, so can she, except that her little adventure was way later, when we were literally hanging out every day, and just days before we(she) declared I was her bf.

 

I guess I deserve what I got - assume she's not flirting or more STILL...

 

Tying back to the 5% i don't know of her life, I'd say I know just about everyone she interacts with on a regular basis, and every once in a while, she'll have 'something to do' which I always get the feeling it has nothing to do with the regular friends. Not that I go and check with all of them, but when she comes back, it's like something private/silent she isn't forthcoming to share like 'yah i was with such and such and s/he said this blah blah blah' kinda deal. That's what makes me a bit suspicious.

[Scout]

Just out of curiosity...what motivated you to check her email in the first place? Had anything happened that made you suspicious to the point you felt this was necessary to find out if she's being on the up and up with you?

[Drunk]

Whoa Whoa This is a whole new part to the story. Isnt it possible that since YOU had something going on before that is creating a distrust in her? You may be over-reacting to your findings just due to the fact that what you did is in the back of your mind. Thats what I was talkin about before, girls dont like to be accused of disrespecting the one they love, especially when it is not deserved. I personally think you are just trying to counter your guilt, by which I mean you are guilty, so in order to feel better about it you are trying to create a false guilt in her.

[studbaker99]

Well, I have never been in a 'friends with benefits' situation before, and earlier this year (February/March) when I met these two girls, I found myself involved in two.

 

FWB is something that perhaps one always dreams of having (like, a threesome with two girls) but it's not something that when it happens, your ethical/relationship values fully accept. When I first got together with girlA, I wanted (as I do now) to develop into a relationship, and because girlA wasnt/isnt into any serious, I wasn't going to be attached to something/someone who didn't want that exclusivity.

 

So I'm not clear exactly how I feel guilty, and if I do, how I am projecting it into her. The emails I read are quite real, and they speak of both my girl and this guy-from-the-past to hook up again for fun, and I'm not talking about playing cards. Granted, he has been the one to come forth, and she hasn't exactly thrown herself at him in his email, but in my eyes 'expressed interest/curiosity' at his offer. (something along the lines of "gosh I been so busy with school, work, chilling, but whats your schedule looks like, I dont have mine handy".)

 

This can be explained by for instance another kind of events (that she has told me about) - she will go to craigslist and respond to ads for people who for some reason or another couldnt get a date to go to a concert. Last minute cancellations and stuff. One such ad was from some guy who was looking for some 'hot brunette' for the concert, but that he was open to some 'sexy no strings attached fun' if the mood striked right. Well she replied to those ads, and the guy asked if 'she was open minded and chill' (more like 'are u willing to make out/have sex if things go that way') to which she replied indirectly 'im always down for a good time'. Bear in mind that she did show me this interaction and said to me 'well nothing else needs to happen, I just want to go to a concert'.

 

In that light, her email to him so far can be still innocuous. What isn't as much is what may have happened in June with this guy. But at the same time, it's almost a moot point since other than that, I have been quite happy with how things are going, and "unfortunately", she still says 'its non serious' and she has mentioned every so often that if I find someone else I click with completely, I should go and try explore, and the same will apply to her. So this qualification makes it kinda okay that for the time being since we're not really serious-serious, her escapade (if indeed existed) almost doesn't bother me. She's attentive and we have lots of fun, and sex is great and I know I please her. I know it doesn't make sense, but damn, now I almost seem to be defending her

[Scout]

Wait, is she doing stuff like this since you two have agreed to become exclusive? If so, whether she's doing physical stuff with the guys or not, it's completely inappropriate behavior.

 

I don't know if either of you are really approaching this relationship from a realistic point of view. When you're exclusive, you're exclusive. You don't randomly answer sexually suggestive ads on Craigslist, and you don't have FWB relationships with other people.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am having a hard time getting my head around the fact that you had a friends with benefits relationship with two women at the same time and are upset about the fact that one of these women (the one you now have a relationship with) may have had a friends with benefits relationship with somebody else while you were not yet officially with each other. You are looking at the timing of her escapades as compared to the timing of your escapades when in reality, you still weren't exclusive at the time she had her escapade. Just because you were with her a lot, doesn't mean that she viewed you as a sure thing. Although I am not a fan of this friends with benefits thing, even less so when the arrangement is with more than one person, I will say that there shouldn't be a double standard. If you have done it, to say that she shouldn't have is just a double standard. Maybe she knew about your friends with benefits situation and just figured, why should she be hanging around waiting for you. You need to let go of the past. Of course, if she is still having these types of relationships with other men, that is a whole different story because that would be cheating.

[studbaker99]

Wait, is she doing stuff like this since you two have agreed to become exclusive? If so, whether she's doing physical stuff with the guys or not, it's completely inappropriate behavior.

 

I don't know if either of you are really approaching this relationship from a realistic point of view. When you're exclusive, you're exclusive. You don't randomly answer sexually suggestive ads on Craigslist, and you don't have FWB relationships with other people.

 

It's a bit of a weird situation , mostly hinged on the fact that "its not serious". Because "its not serious" I feel I can't quite harp on her much on jealousy issues. luckily, I haven't had to much. We enjoy each other's company, we spend a lot of time together, and as the months pass I have seen a crack in her armor as far as keeping it 'not serious'. For instance, these past couple weeks we have been doing a lot more of holding hands than ever before. It's quite a progress. She's become more affectionate.

 

Even tho this particular ad she replied to was a suggestive one implying potential for NSA fun, to her, and the way I see it, it was merely a way of going out, meeting some new people, and most importantly, enjoying a concert. She has responded to ads for women asking for a date to go to concerts just as well, so I know she doesn't see these as avenues to cheat. A few months ago, earlier on, she used to hang out a lot with these friends who were openly swingers, and although tempted, she didn't do anything then either.

 

The FWB either from me or from her, happened before we became officially exclusive. So far nothing else has happened (that I know of - i.e. the email I snooped) but she can definitely push the limits of what I'm used to as far as not cheating since she's way more outgoing and friendly and touchy feely, and I'm the stranger, quiet, mellow dude in the back.

 

 

Right now, friday night, I'm feeling VERY insecure - because I perceive these contacts as independent streaks of hers, and when these things happen (a couple times now - the feeling, not the contact - and it's the times when I felt like she might be hiding something) I don't know what her plans are or if I'll be part of them. Really drives me crazy. She'll sometimes talk to other people about how "I'm going to x", rather than "We're going to x".

 

I know, I know, like I said, its not a rock solid relationship, but I have to say for what is worth, its been a wild ride, and one of the best months of my life so far. My whole intention starting off as FWB was to just enjoy it and go along with the flow, but feelings do get involved, and I'm really becoming attached. My only hope is that she's becoming it too. Tis best to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

[Scout]

Even tho this particular ad she replied to was a suggestive one implying potential for NSA fun, to her, and the way I see it, it was merely a way of going out, meeting some new people, and most importantly, enjoying a concert.

 

I'm afraid I still don't have a positive feeling about her answering ads from males who have a concert ticket. At best, she's using people for a free ticket in. Come on! Why would she "enjoy meeting people" who pose sexually suggestive ads??

 

But at worst, I still suspect there is more to it than that. Especially if guys are emailing her asking if she wants to "play" - again.

 

Friend, you're no dummy. You're feeling insecure for a reason. Don't bury your head in the sand.

[studbaker99]

I'm afraid I still don't have a positive feeling about her answering ads from males who have a concert ticket. At best, she's using people for a free ticket in. Come on! Why would she "enjoy meeting people" who pose sexually suggestive ads?? .

 

I just had to clear up this image you have of 'using people' - please bear in mind that she's replying to people who are posting (and looking) for someone to join them for a concert, using a ticket that otherwise might have just gone to waste. Sometimes it is hard to find a willing partner for a concert, and not everyone in your gaggle of friends enjoy the same musical tastes as yourself.

 

If you go to craigslist you can see for yourself that absolutely nothing is expected out of these encounters. It's just a matter of finding another person who enjoys the singer/band , last minute, and go together.

 

As far as the suggestive nature of that ad, it merely said "I got a free ticket. Looking for a lady to accompany me. Not closed to the idea of enjoying the night if there's chemistry". Sure the guy might want some action, but I think the only fault he has is that he's upfront about it on the ad.

 

Yes, it does bother me a bit that she'll go ahead and reply to these ads, but I can understand it as well.

 

 

But at worst, I still suspect there is more to it than that. Especially if guys are emailing her asking if she wants to "play" - again.

 

Friend, you're no dummy. You're feeling insecure for a reason. Don't bury your head in the sand.

 

Yes, these guys are a differnt kind of guys. I know that. Before me, she was single for about a year, and before that she had been in a relationship for about 4-5. In that singlehood year, she may have gone a bit wild sowing her seeds. And now these old boy toys are wanting to come back for more.... (this was just a realization I had now as I write this..catharactic experience, sharing in these forums..

 

BTW, I am really insecure, maybe not as much as I used to be, but heck. My middle name is Insecure.

[Scout]

Perhaps I misunderstood, but in one of your previous posts, you said one of the ads she answered was looking for a "hot brunette." That's very different from posting an ad looking for anyone, male or female, so a ticket doesn't go to waste.

 

If I was dating someone that was actually answering these ads, my middle name would be Insecure, too. Don't project her inappropriate behavior on yourself by chalking it up as a personal character trait you have.

[studbaker99]

Thanks. You're right.

 

Snooping is a double edged sword. She went to a bachelorette party this past friday, and as single girls go, some dude ended up dancing with her all night long, afterwards she expressed to me that yah she had a really good time, and this guy danced with her and didn't even ask for her phone number. She was honest and forward about it, and I didn't press too much into it because I didn't really want to know what went on (did she make out? how was this guy 'all over her'?)

 

We spent saturday at a club, where after hearing her blab about her experience, I left like I was cockblocking her, and sunday we did some more activities together. Today, monday, I was feeling pretty good cuz we were chatting online and webcamming, and generally laughin and connecting, and then I left to do some late night errands, and I came back home, she had already gone sleeping, checked her email account (ok, yah I know that's BAD) and I found out she posted an ad on missed connections on craigslist asking for this guy, at this club, and how she 'had a great night of dancing, and she was sorry she didn't have the foresight of asking for his phone number'.

 

I have to say tho, that this has been our thing - as she puts it "should any of us find something better, then by all means go ahead and pursue it". I just accepted it back then and now because to demand anything more of her, would be to drive her away by making too many demands, and I thought that if she's busy and enjoying my company she wouldn't want to be looking.

 

The problem is that with girls, they never have to do the active looking - guys approach them. With us guys, if I'm not actively looking, then nothing comes to me, so in order ot be in the same playing field, I have to make the first move, which I am not inclined to do so.

 

Early in the relationship she said she was being bad for being with me, because she knew down the line she would break my heart. Well, at this point, it seems very much so.

 

I guess I have to detach myself, cuz I'm just setting myself up to get majorly hurt.

 

And yes, snooping other people's emails is a recipe for getting hurt.