My Girlfriend STILL wont let go of her ex...

[babsuvulawhooo]

This has been an issue for the past year we have been dating. My GF's ex BF is still obsessed with her. He continuously tells her he still loves her and 'knows' he's going to marry her, etc... and the thing that kills me is... She isn't doing anything about it.

 

Now I'm wondering if maybe she just likes the attention she gets from him, if she maybe still has feelings for him, or if she honestly just wants to be his friend. I find it strange that (i did some snooping) she recently sent her ex an e-mail that basically said, "i miss (this and that)" listing different things they used to do together. This 4 weeks after we had a big argument about the exact same thing.

 

The past month has been great with us, just like when we started dating. we had a bit of a rough time for a while earlier in the year, but I've really felt like this last month has been the best we've ever been. Shes expressed the same as well... so what would inspire her to send that e-mail?

 

She hides many aspects of her relationship with him from me. she got a letter from him and hid it in her house from me. I found it, and read it, and it turned into a big argument... She also denys that she wrote 'i love you' at the end of an e-mail... I read the e-mail, I know it was there.

 

Oh, and he kissed her when I was out of town. Now is it just me or should she have been able to prevent that if she wanted to?

 

SO with all of that, I want to know if I'm out of line and blowing things out of proportion, or if somethings going on with her.

 

I'm really bummed out and I'd appreciate any insight, or any way to help me with my jealosy... Thanks.

[itsallgrand]

You are not jealous - you are sane. She is completely out of line here.

 

One year you say?!

 

"If you don't have trust, you don't have anything."

 

Babs, what do you want from this relationship? Do you want a casual partner or a commited relationship?

[babsuvulawhooo]

I'm 100% for a committed relationship. She says she's the same way... and I love her so much, and I know she loves me... I just really dont get this stuff with her ex.

[itsallgrand]

She says one thing, but is doing another. Listen to her actions.

 

Time to put your foot down and make a stance. One year is plenty of time to clear things up with the ex. Plus, she is lying and hiding things from you. Not good.

 

Tell her she can do what she likes, however, you are looking for a commited relationship and will not stick around for anything less. You do not like her lying, her hiding, or her seeing her ex. He needs to go.

 

Do this, and if she loves you and is emotionally/mentally capable of being commited, she will kick this guy out of her life in a flash. She will stop lying. She will be willing to work at rebuilding trust.

 

She may or may not be able to come through for you. The thing is: You are not getting what you need or deserve or want right now - and you certainly will never get it by allowing her to keep behaving like this. She needs to hear where you stand. If she can't do this, there is someone else out there who will be happy to be with you and show you respect.

 

good luck. This may be all words and sound unbelievable to you right now. One day though, this is will be crystal clear. Your heart will have had enough.

 

She is doing that shyte with her ex because she can. You must tell her and show her that you will not accept it.

[babsuvulawhooo]

I wish it was that easy. as soon as I bring up anything about her and her ex, she'll flip out. I fear that doing that will doom us no matter what. maybe this is the end... not what i want to hear, exactly, but..

[itsallgrand]

Flip out? What does she do? Get angry? Have a fit? Run away?

 

Whatever it is, you can handle it. If you have a good idea of how she will react, you can prepare for it.

 

We're here for you.

[SherriLi]

Ohhh no honey, you don't need help with your jealousy. You need to run.... Trust me i have just gotten out of a 2.5 year relationship with the same problem. There were naked pictures, weekly phone calls, a kisss... You need to get out before she crushes your poor heart. You are not blowing anything out of proportion. Shes has her cake and is eating it too.

I'm sorry for being sooo harsh, but i'm going through the same thing. We finally broke up last week because i am not "important" enough for him to end thier "friendship" all this and two days before he told me i wasn't important enough, he was telling me i was the love of his life and he wanted to marry me and have a child with me.

 

Don't put your self through this pain any longer. The longer you let your self endure it , the more it's going to hurt when it's finally over.

[babypink61]

What your girlfriend is doing is NOT right, it's flat out disrespectful. You should not feel "jealous", instead, you should feel "angry" that she's doing all these things behind your back. You need to let her know that you're not cool about this and she needs to decide whether or not she still wants to be commited to just YOU or go back with her ex.

[BornToResist]

I agree with the others. I too just went through this. My bf told me he wouldn't end his "friendship" with his ex for whatever reasons, and it took a whole lot, but I broke up with him. He ultimately chose her over me and that's the way you have to look at it.

 

She is NOT respecting your feelings at all. This is not what should be going on in a 100% committed relationship like you deserve. She should be willing to drop him if the situation makes you uncomfortable. You are the present, he is the past, right?

 

I know it's really hard to deal with and I never could understand WHY couldn't he see how badly it was hurting me? Why was she so important?

 

Believe me honey, it only gets worse. (The ex causing problems in my relationship ended up calling me all the time telling me she was sleeping with my man and they were getting married and all this other BS to get a rise out of me...it NEVER got any better. I stayed so long it destroyed all my trust.)

 

She already chose him and is disregarding your feelings. It's up to you whether you want to be in a relationship like that or not.

[Caterina]

What are you still with her for? "Oh and she kissed him while I was away."????

[NJRon]

Her "flipping out" is a defensive technique. If she were over her ex, she would not be defensive. She is, instead, deflecting your concerns by turning things around on you. This leaves you confused... unable to address the situation for fear of "rocking the boat"... it leaves her in control of the situation.

 

It's not equal... it is neither open, nor honest.

[tictactoe2006]

Run to the nearest exit.....ASAP.

[Rabican]

You are doing nothing wrong here pal, the fault lies with her and the ex.

 

Im not a big fan of people staying friends with their 'ex' when they are in a new relationship. But for arguments sake lets say its possible to make that work. Somehow. It becomes impossible (completely) when the ex continues to profess his feelings for her, tries to kiss her, is probably constantly trying to get in her pants etc.

 

She is with you.

 

She needs to act like it.

 

This guy is over the line, he doesnt respect you, he doesnt respect your relationship, he doesnt respect her, and he is showing you no reason to think anything other than the worst in this whole thing.

 

Handle this how you will, but heres how I would do it.

 

Sit her down, and tell her that you love her, and that it makes you REALLY uncomfortable for her to be friends with this guy. Its obvious that his intentions are to take your place, and out of respect for you she should make sure that she does everything to convince you that you are #1, and that she isnt interested in this guy.

 

Leave it at that, if she respects you, loves you, and wants to work things out with YOU then she can make up her mind to end the friendship, or at the very least FIX IT for real. It shouldnt be hard for her to call him up and say, look either we cant hang out anymore, and cant talk anymore... or if we do, then you MUST stop professing your feelings for me, stop trying to kiss me, and respect the fact that im in a relationship.

 

Give this about a few days, weeks whatever... if the shady behavior continues I would simply tell her you have 30 seconds to make a choice, me or him, one of us is out of your life completely starting now... make your pick.

 

Bottom line give her a chance to make things right herself, just tell her how you feel. If she doesnt take the initiative, lay down the law and either shell get the point, or you gotta realize you arent compatible.