Just want some comfort not answers...

[Me_alone]

This seems to be a great support site.

 

My story is long and dreary but I'll summarise it:

 

Two years ago, a man who had a reputation as a womaniser approached me and wanted to go out with me. He was after me for months trying to convince me that his 'reputation' was false and that he was actually very loving and loyal and just hadn't found the right woman.

 

Fool that I was, I got involved with him, and then followed what I have heard called an 'emotional roller-coaster' and the 'mean and sweet' cycle. From declarations of love, to hurtful verbal abuse, to apologies to mental torment to infidelity, to games to accusations - I was just a basket case at the end.

 

I ended it before the summer as I really had had enough. I was the one changing because of him. I was becoming resentful, bitter, aggressive and very rude to him (probably a defence mechanism). I was paranoid and suspicious of everything he did. So we finished three times. He came back every single time and I took him back. Why? I don't know. I don't want to say that I loved him because that makes me sick.

 

Last week he called and wanted to meet me. I agreed (as he owed me money and wanted to return it). In the meeting, he kissed me and even tried to instigate intimacy. I refused and actually started screaming at him for just messing with my head. He lost his temper and told me to get lost, accusing me of having a foul, terrible, of a temper...(i don't really, not with ANYONE else). It's just that I feel so enraged at him, his ambivalence and behaviour sometimes.

 

I felt bad. Yesterday I called him and apologised to him (the first time I have EVER initiated contact). I said I realised that I had over-reacted but wasn't sure what he wanted. I didn't just want to be a casual hook-up for him but if he wanted more, we needed to really talk and BOTH needed to make compromises.

 

He said sorry but he couldn't deal with my temper, and besides he was involved with someone else!!! The man who tried to have sex with me a night before!!! I just couldn't believe it. I called him a - and he said I've been involved with women on and off all the time - and you know that. So why are you upset? I have left you not for her, but because of your bad temper!!!

 

Ladies and gentlemen. I am ashamed to say that I started justifying myself to him, explaining that my temper was because of HIS mistreatment and whenever he behaved we had a wonderful time and that if he didn't mess me around we would be good together. He said NO NO NO, that it was over, and finished and I was great but NOT MEANT FOR HIM. We were incompatible.

 

I don't know why I was begging him to be with me, since till that morning I didn't want to be with him!! It's just the thought that he made my 'temper' the reason for finishing things when it was so much more than that.

 

I know what everyone will say: good riddance and all that, and I am very well aware of that. I just wanted to say all this so that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will say this wasn't my fault. That's all I need. Because I feel that I have given it my all and did ALOT of for him - but for him, it just didn't amount to anything. All I got in return was accusations and the feeling that I didn't quite cut it.

 

Sorry if this is long.

[TheRedQueen]

I'm sorry *hugs hugs hugs and more hugs*

 

I've been duped before, recently in fact and it hurt, it really hurt.

 

So I feel you.

[Daddy Bear]

he might have actually believed that his reputation was undeserved. nobody wants to think that he's not good with women and that he brings out the worst in them. apparently, though, he isn't... and he does.

[Me_alone]

Oh, he is well aware of his reputation and quite proud of it. He once told me that I would probably end up in the mental asylum if I stuck around him for long.

That's what made me so mad. If he had been nice and still thought I was incompatible with him, I would have been fine. Instead he KNEW his behaviour was unacceptable (he was jealous, accusatory, derogatory, unfaithful, lying) and yet wanted me to not even make a squeak about it. It was just an unreasonable expectation...I am human after all, and I know what I deserve and it's not THIS COMPLETE RUBBISH OF A RELATIONSHIP.

[Daddy Bear]

if he knew that his negative reputation was well-deserved and he lied to you to suck you in, then what we're looking at here is what i sometimes call "death on two legs".

 

poison, bad, do not eat, do not blame yourself.

[Me_alone]

Thanks, slightlybent. I guess I am not in shock or anything - I have had a huge amount of time to observe what he's like. I guess I knew what was coming my way (having interacted with at least 4 other women who were involved with him at some stage of their lives and all call him a monster).

 

Well, at least I gave the monster a chance! I don't regret it, but am sorely disappointed. Sorely.

[itsallgrand]

It's not your fault.

 

Some of the smartest, most wonderful women in the world have had this experience. It can happen to anybody.

 

*hugs* You know what you need to do and we are hear to listen.

[Me_alone]

Thanks. It just is a bit upsetting that he is exclusively seeing another woman so soon...something he never did for me unfortunately.

[Ixtapa]

I can relate to what you are going through, it has happened to me in the past as well (actually more than once as I used to be attracted to "players" for some reason).

 

Anyway, the last "womaniser" I've been with was in fact looking for a way to stay in Switzerland and was dating another woman at the same time as he was with me (which her and I found out after a few months of that game). As it turns out, he chose her over me and is now married to her (they even have a baby). She chose to stay with him even though she knew he's a player and cheater...but you know what, she is not the lucky one in the end.

As soon as they were married, that guy approached me again hoping for an affair with me. Needless to say I told him to get lost

 

What I mean is : don't be envious of this other woman...sooner or later he will dump her or cheat on her or treat her badly. People do not change that fast.

 

You are better off without him and you will see that soon enough you will feel okay again !!!!

[Me_alone]

Thanks, Ixtapa. I did have these thoughts yesterday - I thought well, lucky her, if she has the stamina to keep up with your games - and we'll see how long it takes for her to become a shrieking, wailing nuisance. Beause that's what I was at the end. Just so frustrated that he wouldn't let things stay good. A fabulous trip to south of France ruined as he stood me up when we got back and was inaccessible for a week after...and then basically just didn't see me for ages and said he was busy with 'stuff'. Basically starting another affair...

 

I just feel incredibly humiliated. He's just made me feel second best if you know what I mean. But my friends say this is just false pride on my part. Just swallow it and let him carry on with his affairs...he's a lost cause, I'm not.

 

Just have to keep reminding myself...

[Me_alone]

By the way, what does

El amor si no nos hace feliz, es que no es amor

mean?

[Batya33]

Take it as a learning experience and figure out why you were vulnerable to a man like this. Of course when he was "sweet" it must have been very exciting but when you feel better, work on how to feel better about yourself so that you are not vulnerable to this type of person - either romantically or in any other area of your life.

 

All the best to you.

[Ixtapa]

You're welcome

I know what you mean about feeling second best...but its not true at all. He did not deserve you, not the other way around !!!! Believe me, I know the pain it causes, the sadness, everything...but it will pass. As far as I'm concerned, I now totally despise the guy I used to go out with.

 

El amor si no nos hace feliz es que no es amor :

If love doesn't make us happy, it is not really love.

 

I like that phrase cause I used to always fall for the "bad" guys and ended up hurt every time. Love somehow always meant mind games and suffering for me. Does not have to be like that. Actually...if it makes you suffer, it is not worth persuing

[Me_alone]

Thanks, Batya and Ixtapa. I don't really know what drew me to him. Yes, it was exciting. I guess there was a challenge of the 'bad guy' wanting you and trying to see if you could keep him. But in the end, the game got really, really tiring.

What in my drew me to him? Well, he was alot older, and gave the 'vibe' of being in control and assertive. He had an aura of responsibility and reliability. Actually he is out of control, demanding, crazy and unreliable. I guess because in all other areas of life I am quite a perfectionist and always striving hard and like to be in control, it just felt good to let go to someone who seemed stronger and assertive and that 'everything would still be ok'. I just wanted that feeling, I guess. But is that so bad?