Helpless and Hopeless

[spk15]

Until recently I have been dating a very beautiful girl, she is 26 I am 38, we dated for four years and had an absolutely wonderful relationship we were talking about getting married and having a life together. Recently her behavior has changed dramatically, in June of this year she broke up with me out of the blue and 4 days later begged me to take her back, I did. We started talking about the reasons she left, one of them was having a child. We never talked about having children the whole time we were together, I have never really considered having children since I am a child of divorce, but I told her I was open to the idea but needed get some counceling to deal with some of my unresolved issues with my father.

 

Before I went to counceling we started talking and making progress, but my fears kept coming up, some days I would feel good about the prospect of children and other days I would not. I would tell my girlfriend how I was feeling and sometimes told her that I did not want to have children but other times I did not have a problem, she became very frustrated by this. I told her that I just needed sometime to resolve my issues, I did not want to carry these concerns into the marriage or while having children. This went on for a couple of months, I was waiting in the mean time to get the authorization from my insurance to go to counceling but she left before I could go.

 

She broke off our vacation plans, engagement and relationship over the phone, saying she had serious doubts about the relationship. I attempted to call her to a week later to resolve our issues and that I finally received the authorization to go to counceling. But she told me that she never ever wanted to see me or contact her again, mailed my key back to me and cut off my cell phone. My question is this? Was I wrong to tell her my fears, should I have just talked to my councelor and not her? I did not mean to hurt her by not being able to make up my mind about having children but she only gave me a couple of months to come to a conclusion. I was not trying to lead her on but I had a very painful childhood and did not want to repeat the mistakes of my father. She told me that she was not ready to have kids now but wanted me to have an answer now. Please tell me what is going on, I have no clue.

[DN]

I am sorry you had a painful childhood but that does not mean you will not be a good father providing you recognise what he did wrong and don't repeat that behaviour.

 

I realise this may sound simplistic - but what else do you need to know other than that?

[spk15]

Was U wrong to tell my girlfriend how I felt, because she left.

[DN]

I don't think you were wrong as such. But I think you may need to come to a quick decision about fatherhood. It isn't as difficult as you seem to think.

[spk15]

Well its too late now she left and said that she never wanted to see or talk to me again. I am so sorry that I even said anything to her. After 4 years she broke up with me over the phone. Just because I couldn't give her the answer she wanted when she wanted. I was working on getting better I guess she just ran out of time to wait.

[simon_uk]

I feel for you. I was in a similar position myself about 4 years ago. Was with my ex for three years she wanted children, I wasnt so sure. She kept talking about it, I kept putting it off. In the end she got sick of waiting for me and left.

 

She never came back. I am not saying your girl will never come back but I am just telling you what I experienced.

 

At the ned of the day if somebody loves you they will understand your fears and be sympathetic. thats my view anyway but how long should somebody wait?

 

Do they want to be with you as a person or do they want to be with somebody, anybody who will provide them with what they want. i.e children?

 

I dont know what to suggest but one thing I would advise is not to chase her, not to tell her you have changed your mind and you realise you do want children because this will be a major insult to her. She will think you only want children now because she has left you.

 

I chased and pursued my ex until she had panic attacks. It was insulting to her that I asked her to marry me after she had left me when thats all she ever wanted from me when we were together.

 

You need to stay strong, go to your counselling and if by luck or love she does come back to you, you need to work on your fears with her and if you do want children with her, you need to get on with it.

 

Good Luck

 

Simon

 

And for what it is worth, I dont think you were wrong to share your fears with her. You were being honest.

[whoops]

no a woman cant wait for a man to decide they are ready or not to face the fear

[spk15]

We were together 4 months and only talked about it for 2 months. I am not holding out hope of her coming back.

[spk15]

Whoops

 

Why is that no woman will wait for a man to decide about children?

[arwen]

I think most women will know that if a man does not want children this will be a serious issue in the future if they really do want them- and that they don't have the power to change their mind.

 

You were not wrong for telling her about your doubts (you didn't say a definite no) though. I think she kind of overreacted to the situation-- seeing that you were suggesting counselling. I don't understand why she would break up so abruptly for this- I wouldn't interpret your words as a definite 'no' for children and you seem really focussed on working on the scars of the divorce of your parents.

 

Don't chase her. I wouldn't keep my hopes up either, but I hope for you that she will come with an explanation for this so that you can have closure.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[spk15]

Yes I did tell her no a few times but other times we would talk and I would be ok with it. I told her that I just wanted to get into counceling so I could figure out why I was going back and forth. She just didn't want to listen when I told her I was scared. We only talked about it for a few months after dating four years. She brought it up after her brother had his baby I think she was feeling left out. Still to break up over the phone was really cruel, I am a person with feelings and if she can do it the way she did maybe tell me she didn't care as much as she said she did.

[spk15]

Ilse

 

I did attempt to call her 2 weeks later and let her know that I was in counceling and that I was attempting to resolve me issues about having children but she did not want to listen. I did/am still make the attempt to resolve my issues it is very disappointing that she only gave me a short period of time to do this. She is only 26.

[Bethany]

It was not wrong to discuss your doubts with her but swaying back and fore made HER sway back and fore about you and your commitment to the future with her.

 

You messed with her head when she needed you to be strong and say yes, I would love to have children with you in the future, I am not my father and I look forward to proving that to myself and you..which you did not do.

[whoops]

a woman has a certain window of opportunity to have kids and men can do it much later so they dont really care - a woman has to be more careful