What Should I Do??

[Chibby33]

Bear with me on this story.

 

My fiance broke up with me over a month ago. We lived together in my house for a year and a half, and during that period, there were times when I really didnt want to end up with him because:

 

1. he was sloppy and lazy

2. he wasnt financially stable. had a full time job but wasnt enough to share the utilities, food, etc.

3. irresponsible. had so many problems, got 2 moving tickets in less than a year. didnt take care of important things.

4. always looked for issues and created drama. whenever we had an argument, he sulked for days. didnt speak to me, slept in the other room.

5. broke up with him twice but was just concerned where he would end up.

 

So anyway he left because my temper flared. Yes I love him and i may still do but not in a way that i want him back. He sent me text messages but only because he needed my help.

 

Anyway, there was this guy i dated before I met my fiance. He has a nice job, has a place of his own, and i knew he would take care of me. Very mature. But unfortunately he was not my type physically. So me being an idiot went with this other good looking loser - so i learned my lesson and got burnt. There were times when I was with my fiance that I thought about this other guy and how he would have made me happier. Anyway he and i started communicating again and he still felt the same way about me. Actually waited for me all these years. Should I go for it?? I dont want to make another mistake when I know he will make me happy. Is it too soon?? HELP!!

[DN]

I think that if you really loved your ex-fiancé it is too soon to jump into a relationship with another guy because he is the opposite of the ex.

 

Especially if he is not really your type physically and if the only reason to be with him is because he is financially stable and would take care of you and your daughter.

[friscodj]

Hey Chibby-

 

Your post is loaded with negativity. You list 5 sound reasons why Guy #1 isn't good for you. Guy #2 is not your type physically and you describe good things about him but I didn't hear any driving emotion behind it at all.

 

The emotions are rampantly disorganized for you right now it sounds. Breaking up with a fiance is a big deal. Plus, you speak of your temper being the perceived reason and that you still love him.

 

My advice is you take some time away for yourself to get back together and figure out what you want. Forget about guys right now and focus on you. I get the feeling you are reaching for a man to perceptually complete your life right now and will "settle" for unfulfillment in that area...

[Batya33]

I have found it can be "very" tempting to have clouded vision about the guy who was "nice"/treated you well after being treated poorly by someone you had passion for. What typically happens is, you run into the arms of Mr. Nice Guy, for a short period of time it is great - he is lavishing you with attention, Mr. Solid, Steady, Reliable. Soon, you feel better about yourself. Soon after that you get bored with Mr. Nice Guy who rescued you a few months ago but now you no longer need rescuing. Bye bye Mr. Nice Guy. Problem is, then your daughter may have gotten attached to him, etc. And of course you hurt Mr. NG.

 

Now I have also seen where all of a sudden the woman sees Mr. Nice Guy through fresh eyes - an attraction is sparked and there is passion. But I agree with the others that to make sure you don't rebound wait awhile and when you feel strong, see how you feel about him - just meet him for lunch - something platonic so that you don't lead him on and see where it gets you.

 

Good luck!

[Chibby33]

Yeah i did tell guy#2 that it will take a very long time for me to date again and he understands. Just dont want to lose what I almost had before. I guess I made the wrong decisions in life and went for the one who would only bring me misery.

[friscodj]

I have found it can be "very" tempting to have clouded vision about the guy who was "nice"/treated you well after being treated poorly by someone you had passion for. What typically happens is, you run into the arms of Mr. Nice Guy, for a short period of time it is great - he is lavishing you with attention, Mr. Solid, Steady, Reliable. Soon, you feel better about yourself. Soon after that you get bored with Mr. Nice Guy who rescued you a few months ago but now you no longer need rescuing. Bye bye Mr. Nice Guy.

 

Have we dated before?????

 

This is so true and I can personally attest to this.

[Chibby33]

Actually Guy #1 (fiance) may have been my rebound man because he was my next right after I got divorced. He gave me what my ex husband didnt but when I realized he wasnt on the same level of maturity, we decided not to get married anymore but still be a couple. Many times when we were still together that I imagined having the house to myself and daughter only. I guess that was the part when I didnt need rescuing anymore.

 

Anyway, I'll just take it slow. Dont want another headache anyway. Whatever happens, happens I guess.

 

Yes about the temper, he certainly brought out the worst in me.

[friscodj]

Yeah i did tell guy#2 that it will take a very long time for me to date again and he understands. Just dont want to lose what I almost had before. I guess I made the wrong decisions in life and went for the one who would only bring me misery.

 

What did you "lose"? A guy who is not your type physically?

 

After reading these last two posts, it is clear to me you really need to take several steps back and just get yourself together. Forget Guy #1, Guy #2, Guy #X. Remember woman #1! Don't "let" whatever happens happen here, make this happen because it is necessary...

[Chibby33]

You are right FriscoDJ. I think im not being fair to everyone including myself and if i proceed without taking a step back, i'll end up getting myself and someone else hurt. I'll let time be my friend for now.

[Batya33]

Have we dated before?????

 

This is so true and I can personally attest to this.

 

 

Shhhhh - you promised not to tell anyone!!! ;-). Fortunately for me (and Mr. Nice Guy) when I tried to go back to Mr. Nice Guy (this was 12 years ago) he considered it but was already dating his now wife. For many years I wondered "what if?" and sometimes I google him to see how his life is going but I am happy he is happy and I am fairly sure it wouldn't have lasted for those reasons. I wouldn't be surprised however that if I were unattached and met him now instead of when I was in my early 20s I would have been far more attracted to him just based on who I am now as compared to then. But that's life.