Oh dear, I got a call, what do I do?!? Urgent!!

[annie24]

block her number and her e-mail address. you don't need this.

[ConfusedasEVER]

block her number and her e-mail address. you don't need this.

 

 

Annie, I respectfully disagree in this circumstance. Althought it may hurt him initially to call her out (if he gets a poor response), it will produce results. Because, sadly, if he blocks her on email and her telephone number, there is potential that she may fly off the hook and show up at his residence. Trust me. I've had it happen like 8 times. LOL.

[annie24]

ok, yeah, he should tell her something firm. I guess in that case say something like, "Don't contact me again unless you want to get back together." Something that's firm.

 

people who show up at your house 8 times are stalkers.

[ConfusedasEVER]

ok, yeah, he should tell her something firm. I guess in that case say something like, "Don't contact me again unless you want to get back together." Something that's firm.

 

people who show up at your house 8 times are stalkers.

 

 

But Annie, that's kind of almost still, leaving the door open. The, 'no contact unless you're sure' approach usually works if the person is sure that they don't want to get back together. So, we've seen that she is, well unsure. So, by saying 'Don't contact unless.... '', all that is achieved is reassuring that we are keeping our selves open to the other parties insecurity.

 

Sometimes the 'confused/lingering/retarded' X cannot/does not/will not/refuses to understand that they are hurting the other person, weither or not it's intentional. So the only way to get them to make a decision, is to produce immediate severe insecurity. It will also help the other party realise that you are by no means going to be disrespected. Because really, what's happening here, is she is not respecting his wishes.

 

 

 

And I HATE stalkers, I have 2. ;-(

[annie24]

so what should he do then?

[ConfusedasEVER]

so what should he do then?

 

I think the next time that she calls, he should just frankly ask her what it is that she needs from him.

 

She has made it obvious that she....

 

1) Does not know how she feels.

2) Does not care that HE is being hurt, and is thereforeeee being selfish.

3) Is purposely being mandy-pandy for no reason other than to beat around the bush.

 

He needs to be stern, and protect his heart and tell her that she has one chance, and one chance only, or she will lose him forever. And if she still refuses, then he should follow your initial advice (NC, change numbers, move, run away screaming, pull hair out, move on... )

[M-life]

 

She has made it obvious that she....

 

1) Does not know how she feels.

2) Does not care that HE is being hurt, and is thereforeeee being selfish.

3) Is purposely being mandy-pandy for no reason other than to beat around the bush.

 

He needs to be stern, and protect his heart and tell her that she has one chance, and one chance only, or she will lose him forever. And if she still refuses, then he should follow your initial advice (NC, change numbers, move, run away screaming, pull hair out, move on... )

 

I have thought about telling her she has once chance, not so much as an ultimatum, but because that is the truth. It is now or never, because I am letting go. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to continue the way we are going. I want to get over her if there is nothing left, and I need to start that now.

[M-life]

okay, so she she left a voicemail today that said she was sorry for last night and that she was panicking with med school and running a marathon at the time. what could be her reason for calling me like this today? it seems like she is trying to play the whole thing off like it never happened, she sounded care free and back to her old self. she also said i don't have to call her back but I can if i feel like it. No problems with this one tonight guys, I am not calling her back under any circumstances. NC has begun again. woohoo, 18 hours and counting.

[DN]

I think it's all part of the same pattern. You have all the information you need - so you re right to maintain no contact.

[ConfusedasEVER]

okay, so she she left a voicemail today that said she was sorry for last night and that she was panicking with med school and running a marathon at the time. what could be her reason for calling me like this today? it seems like she is trying to play the whole thing off like it never happened, she sounded care free and back to her old self. she also said i don't have to call her back but I can if i feel like it. No problems with this one tonight guys, I am not calling her back under any circumstances. NC has begun again. woohoo, 18 hours and counting.

 

 

 

Sorry, but what is it with this girl and her constantly utilizing school and running as an excuse? LOL. Yeah, best bet - cut her off. But be prepared that she might actually start... with some strange behavior (I.E. In person visits, bizarre letters, destruction of property), OR she may completely lose interest.

[M-life]

she called again last night and blamed me for never answering my phone anymore. she said that she doesn't want me to think we will never get back together because there is always that possibility. man, this sucks because i still want her back, but for my own good i am not contacting her in any way.

[DN]

That is one of the most manipulative and just plain selfish things I have seen on here.

 

She is putting you on the back-burner. Don't let her do that - the only thing that will happen is that you will get burned.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

She is playing you like a fiddle. She is being incredibly selfish. Continue with NC.

[Ellie2006]

Hey M-life,

Hope you're doing better today.

Your ex-gf, like Kellbell and DN and other posters pointed out, is being extremely selfish. There is absolutely NO reason for you to be in the receiving end of what can only be perceived as cruelty on her part.

 

You say above that you still want her back, which I *can* understand to a certain extent.

But you really need to open your eyes and see what this girl is doing -- which is intentionally hurting someone -- YOU -- that supposedly she cares about. Hey, if she cares about you and is treating you this way, I wouldn't want to see how she treats the people she doesn't care about!

 

M, you need to unplug your phone, and SERIOUSLY consider if you really want to be with this person -- who's manipulative and inconsiderate of other people's feelings ...

 

Good luck to you ...

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi M-life,

 

Be as committed in the breakup as you were in the relationship. It's broken and you have given her ample opportunity to hear what you want to hear from her. She has said (in my opinion) what she wants needs and desires. Give it to her.

 

In my opinion breakups are just like relationships. Both parties have to be committed and accept the decision and move on.

 

Good Luck!!

bcuzitwasfun

[Siriana]

o.k. she is playing the classic game of spoiled and selfish person after a brake up. I turned green when I red how she said that there is always a possibility that you two will get back together. Well there is also a possibilty that one day you will be able to go to Mars as a turist or that I will become a multi-milliarder or maybe get a Nobel award. There is always a possibility. She is hitting you on the worst place - your hope, because we people tend to hope so much, and manipulators for shure now where to hit.

 

A year ago I had "wonderfull" experience with someone who tought that we could be friends after dating me and saying to me some awfull staff. Of course it was out of the question, but this person somehow tought that it is appropriate to call me to grab a cofee now and than. Man, was that annoying!

But I didn't want to sound to desperate or to hurt by his behaviour so I took a harder and more classy way of dealing with things.

 

For example in your situation I would do the following to get rid of her:

 

1. You were right to call her once, but don't do it again.

For example if she calls, sometimes you can pick up the phone, but be firm. Immediately ask what she needs, and in case she needs something, politely refuse to do her a favour by saying you don't have time and that you have to go and hung up. Your conversation mustn't last longer than a minute.

If she just wants to chit chat say you are busy and that you have to go.

Say by and hung up on her. If she calls immediatelly after that simply don't answer. If she stays persistent than shut down your cell phone.

When you miss her call don't call back - never, and never contact her.

You need to sound firm and untouched by her calls, like when someone boring calls you or like when they call you from work. professional and busy.

 

2. If she asks you to go out with her - on a coffie or something, say you have something planned already and that you're just on your way out.

 

3. It is important not to answer everytime she calles - if she calls once a week I suggest you to answer the call and behave the way I described and if she calles constantly when you don't answer, like several times a day than you have every right to call her and told her to disappear.

If it comes to that (and I hope that it woan't, that she will get the point) just call on her and with very resignated voice, that sounds calm, and cool say to her - I find it innapropriate you calling me. I don't want to stay in contact with you, so stop calling me. Now I got to go. Bye

If she calls again never return her call.

 

Don't worry not to offend her. This is the biggest mistake when you want someone to dissappear from your life. You have to sound little bit cold. If you're polite and uninterested in what she is saying (just imagine you have to deal with some boring friend of yours) she will get the point. Persons like her lose their interest in manipulating after they see they have no effect on you. Than they find someone else to lean on.

 

My ex took whole 3 months to get the idea how he is not desired in my life. But also he wasn't so annoying like your ex - he called every 2 weeks to ask me for a favour or sundays to grab a coffie. Each time I said politely I can't. So he finally got it. But if he started to call more and more, instead less and less than I would be really rude, and I can be quite a b.... when I want to.

My way is harder but with time you will feel like you have power over her - not the opposite - and this person starts to sound patetic to you. And after some time it is extremly easy to make the conversation short and to say bye in less than 30 seconds.

I personaly feel like a winner in my situation. He used me, but later he got the same treatmant from me - now we're equal.

[M-life]

Thank you once again everyone. Your advice has been more than helpful. Once again, though, she has found a way to complicate things. She wrote me an email last night, saying that she thinks she might have made a mistake. She says that each day she is more sure she wants to get back together with me, but she wants to make sure it is not too soon in that we will fall back into the same routine before we broke up. She has told me from the beginning that she thought time apart would make us realize what we have. She wants my opinion on this whole thing. Like i said, she wrote it in an email. I have not contacted her in 4 days and from your advice, I am not going to still. Anything else I should do?

[DN]

I think you have done the right thing up until now. She is still trying to back-burner you.

 

I think, however, that you could reply and lay it on the line.Tell her she has one shot at making the relationship work - now or never. No 'taking it slow' or 'seeing how it goes'.

 

She is either in the relationship in which both of you view this as long-term and work towards that together - or it is completely over and done with and you are walking away for good.

 

Make it entirely her choice. She has to decide and tell you if she accepts your terms or not - no half way, no compromise - she's in or she's out. If she does not - that's it. You're gone for ever.

[M-life]

i was told that girls hate ultimatums. is this not the case? I have thought about doing this, but I always worried because I thought this would only cause her to get mad and drive her away more.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

She wrote that email because you are no longer at her beck and call. You took a stand and are doing what is right for YOU and now she is panicking. You took her out of her comfortzone. But I am willing to bet IF you let her back in, she would not be as attentive. I know you wrote you will not call her, stick to that.

 

You are doing great. Keep up the good work.

[Ellie2006]

Hey M,

I agree w/ Kellbell -- she's contacting you bc you've kept to NC.

 

What you do from now on depends on what you want -- do you want to get back together or do you want to move on?

 

If you want to move on, maintain NC. No need to even tell her that it's over, IMO. If you keep w/ NC, I am sure she will get the message at some point, preferably sooner rather than later!

 

BUT if you want to get back together, DN makes an excellent point: you should tell her that she has one chance -- now or never -- to decide whether or not she wants to put in the necessary effort to piece your relationship back together.

 

 

RE: Ultimatums -- sometimes they are necessary evil. From your gf's past behavior, she may go back and forth ad infinitum and drive you crazy w/ her indecision in the process. No need to put yourself through that.

 

If she wants to work on the relationship -- great. The sooner you start, the better.

If she does not want to work on the relationship/ does not know/ cannot make a decision right now -- good-bye.

 

Just my two cents worth

 

Take care and hang in there!

[dreamguy]

Well spoken!

My ex said the exact two same lines.

I had proposed to her 1 month after she travelled (we had been together for 2 years).

 

She said she wasn't sure what she wanted. So I broke up with her.

 

She then started calling and texting me until I made the mistake of giving in 2 days ago and I told her how much I missed her.

She replied "I'm not a yoyo game and you cannot play me like a toy by wanting to be with me one day and being distant the next day."

 

I have decided not to answer her calls/msgs/emails for now in case she tries to contact me.

I might only answer her if/when she calls 5 times in a row but, just as others said, if I see she is only testing the waters I'll hang up again and continue NC.

 

KellBell is right about this: "She needs to deal with the consequences of breaking up with you. By you giving her the emotional replinishment as you have been, she is going to recover from the break up much faster than you, she is going to find someone else and that will be it for you my friend."

Same applies to me.

[patience]

Talking on the phone and with email is not good. You are both missing a lot of information (especially body language and eye contact).

 

It is clear that you have feelings for her. Are you willing to meet with her to talk in person? Without a face to face conversation, I think you are both making assumptions and perhaps coming to inaccurate conclusions.

 

If you want to try again, be upfront and honest with her about this. Ask her straight out if she also wants to try again.

 

...you may both be wanting to get back together, so why not find out for sure?

 

Again, I stress that this conversation should happen in person.

[M-life]

Thanks, I do still have feelings for her. She has told me that she wants to get back together, but she is not sure if the time is right. I have told her I would like to have her back, but that was in the beginning of the break up, not recently. But in all reality I do still want her in my life. I found out today that one thing that is really influencing her is something her mom said in the first of our 5 years together. She told her that you cannot date one person your whole life because you will always wonder what is out there. Since then, her mother has gone back on this (this was a time when they were not too sure about me, I was 18 and she was 16) and told her that it is not necessarily true. Her mother is on my side now, and this is fueling the indecision in my ex. Every day I miss her less, but every day she seems to regret it more, which only confuses me. How do I find out if she is really feeling this or just leading me on for whatever reason?

[DN]

Tell her what I suggested above. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.