How would you handle this one?

[wonderfulconfusion]

I've been visiting a few of these threads on this site and thought I'd post up my situation and maybe get some good advice from any of you.

Ill try and make the story short!

I've met my ex last year, after 8 months, 2 months of which living together, he decided to leave the house: he had a few problems to handle by himself ( no job, slightly depressed...) I ofcourse took it badly telling myself, crap I couldnt help him out. ANYWAY... this happened in Feburary this year.

Eversince we've been seeing each other almost every week....he'd come over, sleep over blabla! He'd then not give news for a day or two and Id get upset and react like a very mean b*tch everytime...normal in a way yet not very mature!

So yes anyway, in between all this, there would be I love you, love you not, or I want to be with you blabla. I finally came to a conclusion that he needed timet o figure things out...I dated inbetween!

So these past two weeks after saying ENOUGH, he gave me a call saying that he feels that its really stupid that we didnt meet each other later in life blabla...

Ok so the latest, I stopped calling him for a few days and we talked yesterdsay, he came over and decided that next week he would invite me over to his appartment for dinner and we would talk things through (let me point out that he has suggestedt his twice already but I would become aggressive before he would invite me). I told him ok fine he told me, as long as you dont become bitcy with me within the next two days.

OK, so for those who are reading, dont take me for a naive person, I realise that he is probably playing mind games HOWEVER, tell me then why would this 30 year old male, who DOES have a few issues to handle in his immature head, bother with a person like me ( example, coming back from a 600km car trip, I asked him to come, he came 100km further from where he was supposed to stop, nice!)

OK so here's the deal, ok when you love someone you want to or dont want to be with them and it should stay at that BUT thats just bull because there are other issues around that whole matter that are important.

Do you believe, after 8 months of ups and downs, of fighting, loving, hating, lying, declarations.... there is actually a love connection between the both of us or are we just hanging on to an "ideal".... after 8 months of all this?

What to do what to do?

[wonderfulconfusion]

Thank you for your advice and words.

I think what i need to know is, whether or not it is truly love or just an obsession.

Does he really love me, I think so. So then why not take the chance?

Is he playing games with me?

[SuperDave71]

Hello Wonderfulconfusion,

 

I do agree with cwaswithq....on this one. I seriously suggest taking a few months off from seeing your ex. To me, you guys sound like a pressure cooker and are walking on egg shells. If you must watch everything you say and do everytime you are around one another, what is the point of being together? The premise of a LOVING relationship is to ENJOY the time together.

 

By takingtime off one another, this can allow you to possibly miss one another and work on your personal problems withoput the influence of your ex. It sounds like misery loves company but it accomplishes nothing positive.

 

Look at it this way, what would you do with a little time off from him to work on you and your life?

 

 

Take care,

 

SuperDave71

[wonderfulconfusion]

Thank you super Dave!

 

I have tried each time to take time off, the thing is, he gets back at me all the time because we need to see each other! And when we do spend time together, its ALWAYS good! its the after part, by phone when I try to figure things out that sceew up everything!

Have I just answered my own question? Is it because Im putting too much pressure on him? Why does he tell me, I love you and if you want to move on, I would be hurt but happy for you.... Can anyone figure that out?

[Rickster]

I know this sounds abit odd. But do you really love him? Or do you just see him as a companion? It sounds like as if there's no real understanding between you two. I may be wrong.

[wonderfulconfusion]

I know this sounds abit odd. But do you really love him? Or do you just see him as a companion? It sounds like as if there's no real understanding between you two. I may be wrong.

 

I unserdstand your comment. It is true that it has been so long that we've played a cat and dog game with lots of jealousy and possesive type questions. But when you want to move on and convinced that you should, yet dont seem to because he's under your skin... I believe it is love.

 

Are we just not communicating like we should or are we going too fast or wanting to go too fast?

 

Complicated stuff!

[laboheme]

He'd then not give news for a day or two and Id get upset and react like a very mean b*tch everytime...normal in a way yet not very mature!

 

I told him ok fine he told me, as long as you dont become bitcy with me within the next two days.

 

Speaking from experience, acting up is one of the worst things you can do...Yes, it hurts when you have a good time and then not hear from him for a while. The next time you see him, it's very tempting to be mean and scold him for not contacting you. But instead...try to smile and act like you're glad that you're talking to him, not like you're upset that you didn't talk sooner. Being b**chy is not going to help your communication any. It seems that both of you see that it's a problem...maybe it's what's pushing him away.

 

I'm in the same boat, and I think that controlling one's temper in difficult situations, where acting up seems to come naturally, will help things in the long run, regardless of who it's with...

[ConfusedasEVER]

I know this sounds abit odd. But do you really love him? Or do you just see him as a companion? It sounds like as if there's no real understanding between you two. I may be wrong.

 

 

Rickster, you may be right. But the problem may be that eachother try too hard to understand eachother and then fumble over eachother because of that very notion.

 

 

I'm thinking you just need to step out of the bubble, and go with his flow.

 

And Superdave may be bringing up the best point, maybe you just need some good, SOLID time apart.

[wonderfulconfusion]

Do you guys not think that he is simply playing with me? Knowing Im always there when he wants...

[sunflowerEyes]

he may be.. i fear for that right now in my own relationship. The way to find out is that you follow superdave's advice. Take time for YOU. If he asks you to hang out with him, say, "no, i have such and such to do, ill catch up with you later", or something like that. If you do this enough and you show that you're NOT at his beck and call, you will see what his intentions are.

If he was just playing with you and using you as his ego-booster for the moment, he may just get mad because you're not around like you used to be, but then eventually it wont bother him that much.. BUT, if he really loves you, then he will realize what he's missing and hopefully come to you with an honest approach to make things better.

It seems to me that you both have your own issues to deal with, so if you want this to work out, you both need to look at yourselves and see what it is you truly want as individuals. He needs to see if he can handle a relationship, if he still truly loves you, or if he just wants u as an ego boster. YOU need to work on the anger and just go wih the flow.. believe me, i know from experience, anger does not fix things.. you have too see if you still love HIM, and if you are willing to be in a relationship anymore.

You both have to be COMPLETELY honest with yourselves and each other.

Good luck and i hope this helps.

 

[wonderfulconfusion]

Hey Sunflower,

 

THank you for your advice!

I finally got his message on letting things go with the flow and see what happens!

He asked to sleep over one night, I said: NADA ! He took it badly of course!

You all seem right, need to take some time off! And maybe he isnt able to see the difference in me as someone he loves or just his "ego-bosster" as you say. I should leave him alone and ignore him for a while to see how he reacts and maybe only then, like you said, he'd realise what he's missing, ...or not! Then maybe I'd realise I can move on without him!

 

The thing is, I do tell him we should get back together and when I ask him what he thinks he wont answer the question, or one day he will say "we should get back together" but then wont really show a "want" to see me and "be" together... I think HE's the one with issues here!

 

Ok guys, time to back off and take control here!

 

THANKS

[wonderfulconfusion]

Just to keep things posted.

Got a message from him last night after a conversation concerning our decision on getting back together and that I was fed up of playing...

"please...keep things cool...things will work out...good night...."

How am I suppose to interpret that message?

Keep things cool then what?

Is he saying give me more time...

HELP! Going mad trying to understand!

[sunflowerEyes]

HA. ok excuse the chuckle but u know what?? Hes still playing his games. He DOES want more time.. but let me tell u a little secret: as long as you're there waiting, telling him he can have his time and ull wait or whatnot (even if u dont say ull wait and he knows that u will) there is NO amount of time that will change him. The only time that will matter is the time that he has knowing that you are not there.

By sending you this message, hes giving u hope and making a cushion for himself. "Be cool"... thats bull.. try "Be my b**ch"

He wants yout to be cool? telling you things will work out?

Hun, please, doont give in.

Just read wat i said before and continue to do wat u were doing before you got that message. You seemed to be doing well. except the whole talkking to him about getting back together.. don't do that. That only PROVES you're still waiting around.. so, please, for your sanity, dont ask that question. You're only going to hurt yourself waiting around for an answer that may never come, or wont be wat u want to hear.

 

Ok? so, stop freaking out, everything will be OK. Just continue with wat u were doing minus what i said ok?

 

good luck.

 

keep me posted!!

 

[wonderfulconfusion]

I took the message as a positive thing!

Its true that I wish he would be clearer and he clearly shows that he doesnt want to give an answer...knowing Im sticking around!

Ok, I'll stick to your advice Sunflower, and attempt to cut off for a bit not answering anymore or even sending him texts....

I'm starting to wonder if he doesnt see other girls at the same time!....

So you think he really is playing games....true, otherwise we'd be together by now!

Ok, so, NC then? How do I handle it if he calls? Ignore completely?

[wonderfulconfusion]

OH, I found out yesterday that when he changed my car tires when we were together, I gave him cash to pay, he kept the rest without giving me a bill....I now know he kept a failry large amount of money from the difference it actually costs.

Do you think I should tell him or is there no use in "attacking" with another harsh subject?

[wonderfulconfusion]

Sunflower, how much time would you consider?

[sunflowerEyes]

OH, I found out yesterday that when he changed my car tires when we were together, I gave him cash to pay, he kept the rest without giving me a bill....I now know he kept a failry large amount of money from the difference it actually costs.

 

ok.... WOW. I hope youre pissed.. because I would be! That right there proves that he is not one to trust. Anyone who plays you like that, has no respect for you. I cannot believe someone who is supposed to be your bf would do that!! omg! Yes, u know what, you SHOULD call him out on it. Ask him, and if he says that he didn't, it will prove you cannot trust him. This also answers ur thoughts about him being with other women while you are apart. If hes going to lie to you about money.. how the hell are you going to trust him when he says "no, i haven't been with anyone since we broke up" ? I certainly wouldnt believe him!

 

 

"So you think he really is playing games....true, otherwise we'd be together by now!" yes.. VERY TRUE!

 

"Ok, so, NC then? " - Yep.. NC all the way!

"How do I handle it if he calls? " - don't pick up.. screen calls

"Ignore completely?" - yep!.. its the only way to show you're on your own and that it's over.. you're not hanging around to be his on-call, ego-booster.

 

you seem to be doing great!

I'm happy for u!

Keep it going.

You know where to find me

 

[sunflowerEyes]

well, as far as time goes.. that's a weird thing.

It all depends on how it goes.

I definitely think it should go on for at least a few months. I know that seems like a long time, but honestly, u think a few days or weeks is really going to change someone?

If hes really serious about changing and about u.. he'll wait a pretty long time.

But, if he's just the same jerk he has been.. then, he'll forget about u and after a while.. not even care that you're not talking to him.

Let me tell you something tho.. in the beginning, he will be up your butt tryig to get you to contact him.. because he just lost his ego-booster. that would piss anyone off and he'll want to beg u to come back.. THEN, it'll all probably settle down for a bit and after that, it'll be the deciding time..either he forgets about it and sees you're not giving in and you're not the weak person you used to be.. so he lets it go and moves on ..OR he comes back a different person because he realized all that he did wrong and that you're the one and so on and so forth.

(even if the later happens... beware.. sometimes its a scam, so be on your guard. and if he EVER pulls the crap he was pulling before.. you KNOW that's the end and he'll never change.. then.. my friend.. u are free)

 

So, now that you know what's basicall going to happen (granted you are strong and don't EVER break NC) it's not really up to you to DECIDE on a certain amount of time to do NC. It's not up to anyone. You do it for as long as it takes to change things. They may change for the better or the worse.. and don't think that NC was the REASON for it changing for the worse. (ie him giving up and leaving) because in the end, it's what would have happened anyway.. you just sped up the process and prevented many years of heartbreak!

So, like i said, do it for as long as you see fit.

I suggest not to fall for the first sign of him saying "im a changed man"

Acions speak louder than words. Let him SHOW you he's changed before you even consider going back.

good luck.. STAY STRONG!!!

 

I hope this helped more than confuse you.... i tried my best

 

[wonderfulconfusion]

Sunflower,

 

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate your advice.

You are right. He is someone who lies a lot and has a reputation for it... ah love!

 

I spoke to him about the tires last night, he got really pissed off and angry at me for thinking that he would steal. But you know what they say, if you know you're ok with it, you dont become upset like he did. So we got in a HUGE fight, him about being jealous about a guy, me treating him like a theif blabla... I did the big mistake of calling him ten times this morning because I had things to say and left him messages...he didnt answer...I dont think he will anymore.

 

SO big fight, we're both angry at each other, I suppose its the best way to stay away from each other now... Have I screwed everything up between him and I now?

 

LIke you said, dont know why I bother seeing that he cant be trusted...its true that he gets really upset about me seeing other guys, probably because he sees other girls and doesnt want me to...

 

Im just worried about this big fight we had.... how do I react now? Just forget it or try to fix things?

HELP again!

[sunflowerEyes]

Ok um.. lets see, the fact that he got pissed like he did seems more like him reacting to getting caught and trying to seem hurt that you would accuse him of such a travesty than actually being mad that you would think that of him. He wants to make you seem like the bad guy for pinning something like this on him. Well, you're not. He obviously did it.

 

His getting jealous of other guys = trying to control u.

He obviously wants his cake and eat it too. I think you're right to assume that he's getting some from other people but doesnt want u to be with anyone else. Again with the ego boosting. This is a way of trying to geet u to stay away from other guys so that you continue focusing on him.

Well, my advice- dont focus on him at all. Focus on you. Do whatever you want and dont be ahsamed of it. He's obviously doing what HE wants and definitely doesnt feel bad about it.

Don't leave him messages.. he'll pay no heed! Also, it's not good for u to handle stress. It's natural for women to hold onto anger and stress and think about it for days..especially when they dint get everything out they had intended on.

What I do in this case is just sit back.. preoccupy yourself with something else and take your mind off of wat u want to say and it'll widdle away after a while. believe me.. once the adrenaline is gone.. you suddenly dont have as much of an urgency to say all that you had to say. You'll find that you'r calmer and can let it go. if that doesnt work.. take a nap! another great way to reduce your adrenaline levels and calm down.

 

Now, you want to know how to react. Well, i would say to take it as a start to the NC weve been talking about. Yes, forget about it.. that one fight is not going to change him, or the situation.

 

Hell get over it.. or not.. and if he doesnt.. well, thats quite immature of him!

 

Go on with your life.

NC

think about yourself.. you know, everything we've talked about.

Big fights happen, it's just especially tough with the kind of guy you're dealing with.

You deserve better. Dont get hung up on a jerk, you plas with your head, tries to control you, is extremey jealous even tho you're not together, steals your money then denies it, etc. etc. etc.

 

let me kno wat happens

 

[wonderfulconfusion]

Hey Sunflower,

 

Thank you so much for your advice!

 

Well after having trying to contact him 30 times yesterday with no answer and leaving him messages, no reply and no answer!

 

But you're right, I was so upset that I said loads of contradictive things, I should have calmed down before saying things like: I regret meeting you, let me move on with my life blabla!

 

Im still mad seeing that I still dont have any news...he's probably not ready to confront his bad deed or is just suffercating with all my messages and calls....

 

I will focus on me and let him swim in all his crap alone. I just wonder if he'll ever give me news again!

 

How are you doing sunflower??