Is my husband in the closet?

[Chickie7]

For some time in the back of my mind, I've questioned my husbands sexual orientation. I don't mean to stereotype but sometimes the things he says or does sets off the alarm bells in my head as they are things that some people might characterize as being something a gay man might say or do. We've been married 3 years and he has little to no interest in initiating sex with me and has turned me down on a number of occasions when I've initiated. I know that he has a thing for dressing in womens clothes though it's not something we talk about much. He carries a purse which isn't a big deal but he does refer to it as 'his purse'. I always considered him to be 'in touch with his feminine side' but I'm not sure to what degree. I can't help questioning it. A little voice inside me wakes up, for example, when my husband makes a comment watching an action movie wondering where the actor got his argyle sweater vest and that he'd like one. He calls things 'cute', laughs about his gay co-worker joking that my husband is more gay than him because he carries a Tide-stick in his 'purse' and can openly admit if he thinks a male actor is attractive. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything because I can admit a female actor is beautiful but this is not typical behaviour I'm accustomed to from most men I know.

 

Am I over-reacting or should I be listening a little closer to my inner voice?

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

It may be that your husband enjoys a feminine gender identity. This does not automatically mean that he is gay.

 

For some people, it can be a clue, but not all people who cross the gender lines are gay. There are also many gay individuals who do not cross gender lines either, and whom no one would "suspect" were gay.

 

A person's sexual preferences do not always show simply from what they portray on the outside. Some people may seem to fall right into stereotypical roles, while others do not.

 

Unfortunately, only your husband holds the answer to what his sexual preferences are.

 

Have you ever asked him before in a gentle, non-accusatory manner, if he is ever sexually attracted to men?

 

There are so many possibilities here. He could be straight with a feminine gender identity, he could be bisexual, he could be gay. I think the only way you'll get to the bottom of it is to be very supportive and ask a lot of questions, but gentle questions.

 

BellaDonna

[KronicMan]

it is a possibility. I think everyone has a masculine/femme side; but the womans clothing and purse definetly say gay or cross dresser. cross dressers arent always gay. you should ask him; but really most straight men dont act like that.

[TheRock]

I think he's gay. Straight men don't like to joke that they are more gay than gay men. And they usually like sex a lot. I am actually surprised at the number of gay men I have sen in heterosexual realtionships. Yours might be one. I would do as BellaDonna says and ask some questions.

[Beec]

It's possible, and it's also possible he wants a woman who lets him dress like a man or even treats him like a woman in the bedroom. There are men who cross dress and want to "be on the bottom", while still only wanting to be with women sexually. He could also have none of these desires. It does sound as if he is comfortable with who is though.

[Daddy Bear]

i don't see anything in your post that would lead me to believe that he was having sex with other men, nor that he would want to. it's my understanding that heterosexual cross-dressers do exist, and so do men who can find the faces of others attractive. if he was having gay sex and hiding it from you, one would think that he would try to act as 'normal' (for lack of a better term) around you as possible to throw you off his trail.

 

on the other hand, i think that a quiet heart-to-heart is in order. having this question hanging in the air between you is not very healthy, and if he IS gay or bi then you should give him a non-judgmental opportunity to talk about it.

[lil_kaila]

I agree with SlightlyBent, if he is indeed gay I think he'd try to hide it, rather than walk around with a purse and laugh at jokes that imply he's gayer than a gay man.

 

Then again, people are often more calculated then we think and this could also be a cover-up. He could be trying ti prove how straight he is by being so casual about it that he can't possibly be gay himself.

 

And like others have said.... the cross-dressing doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. I'm sure there are plenty of straight men who (would like to) do this.

[Chickie7]

Thanks for your replies.

 

My husband told me about his fetish for dressing in womens clothes just before we were married and I was accepting of this. I had noticed before he told me this that some characteristics of his were more feminine in nature and that he had close relationships with a lot of female friends. I found this attractive as I had a long history of dating more aggresive men and was attracted to his soft and gentle demeanor.

 

I remember a story he told me once when he worked in retail with a bunch of gay men long before we met and they were out at a bar one night and he proceeded to do a bodyshot off of one of his male co-workers. Most straight men I know wouldn't be caught dead doing this.

 

I wondered early on if maybe he was gay and didn't know it but brushed the thought away as I noticed how flirtatious he was with women. I've noticed porn on the computer but it's all of women. Only recently, I've considered that maybe this is a cover or maybe it's not necessarily that he's getting off on looking at women but looking at it from a perspective of wanting to be like a woman and admiring the female form.

 

I don't really understand this and wish I could have more insight to what cross-dressing is all about and if there's more to what's going on with him than he's admitting. I know the only way to really know is to ask but what if it's just that he's in denial?

[BellaDonna]

I think it's best to approach the subject in a very open, yet delicate manner. Next time the subject of crossdressing comes up, I think you should nonchalantly ask him if he idolizes women then ask is he ever fantasized about being with a man, in the role of a woman. Use a very neutral tone of voice.

 

Just throw little probing questions out there and see what he has to say. When you talk, approach it from the angle of a wife who is eager to learn about her husband's fantasies.

 

It is very possible that he is bisexual. Gay is not the only possibility here. This does not automatically mean your relationship would be ruined. He may just have fantasies that will stay fantasies. On the other hand, if he is gay and in denial, you can be his advocate to help him know his real self. You would be able to make a decision about what to do next for your own self.

 

However, don't jump to conclusions because there are many possibilities here. You will not get the info you crave without asking him directly. Who knows, his answers could very well be a relief to you.

 

BellaDonna

[Deviant_Kate]

it is a possibility. I think everyone has a masculine/femme side; but the womans clothing and purse definetly say gay or cross dresser. cross dressers arent always gay.

 

For the record, cross dressers are straight more often than gay.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I say you have to trust your husband- by that I mean trust him that he's with you and that means thats how he is.

 

He could be gay and a cross dresser- but so what? if he loves you and wants to be with you- if you haven't see any evidence to the contrary then I'd start with that.

[millaj]

Most men who are on the down low, you would never even know it because they act extremely homophobic. Studies show that men who are more open with their sexuality, and accepting of homosexuals are usually straight and have no desire to sleep with men. Those who are afraid of gay people, and are constantly bashing homosexuality, showed signs of having an erection when gay porn was on, vs. the others.