I'm clingy and very much in pain (Please help!)

[Clementyne]

Hello everyone

My problem is a follow-up to my recent post. I have realized that I am a clingy girlfriend. I thought that it was the long distance thing, but now I've realized that it's just me. I really need help. I used to think that maybe my boyfriend can help me with this, but now I believe that it might not be right to consult his help in this, I'm not sure if it's right to lay it all out to him. My boyfriend is a great guy and we've live a great 1 and a half year-relationship. My problem is that nothing ever seems to fill me up. I didn't mind when he used to tell me that he wants to leave and do some work or just watch tv and that he'd be back later, but now I find it painful that he'd rather do other things than be with me. He would call me at the end of the day to say good night. I would say I am clingy, I stopped going out a lot and seeing my friends just because me and my boyfriend used to talk a lot. I know that my behavior is probably driving him away, and for the last week I've been calling him less and I stopped giving him a hard time whenever I feel he needs to do other things or that he just needs to withdraw. I know this is natural, but sometimes it's just too painful. And if I called him crying and I've noticed that he cares and that he does not want to see me that way, everything just goes away and I'm all happy again, but I don't do that anymore because it is pretty draining to him. I've read over here that being clingy is unattractive and I think maybe that is how I appear to him right now. What is hurting me the most is that I am a tell-it all kind of person, I wouldn't hold up anything. Now, I'm having a hard time feeling this way and acting like it's all ok when I have these annoying feelings. The problem is I don't want to talk to him about it because of our recent arguments, I'm sure he's had enough. What do I do? It really hurts. I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to keep myself busy, but ever since day one in the relationship I was insecure about everything. He is the most perfect guy for me, yet I always question his love and the fact that I deserve it. I'd relate the pain to my experience with my first boyfriend in the past. My friends tell me that I should get on with my life and move on, but the pain is so real. Even the smallest things from my boyfriend might hurt….Please help….

 

Celemntyne

[TheRedQueen]

I used to feel perpetually empty, and let me tell you from experience, no man, drug nor shopping spree will ever even begin to fill this emptiness.

 

I was lucky enough to come to this realization several years ago and since then, through much introspection and therapy mind you, I've managed to confront the emptiness within myself and slowly but surely fill these vacant remnants of my once painful past with positive thoughts and actions for what will hopefully become my brilliant future.

[justpaisley]

One man's clingy is another man's affectionate. My ex-boyfriend told me that I was too clingy. I definitely like to hug and kiss - I was brought up in a very affectionate family. My husband never had a problem with it, and we are very happy with our mutual levels of clingyness. It doesn't seem like your boyfriend's ever told you that you are clingy - has he?

 

Don't look at what people here consider attractive as a basis for your own relationship. You and your boyfriend are a unique couple with your own dynamic. If you really feel like you're depending on your boyfriend for your own happiness, then I'd suggest therapy.

[New_Horizons]

"Clingyness" is not as unattractive to guys as it is to girls. That's my opinion. Many men find clingy women attractive because it makes them feel secure and wanted (barring extreme psycho cases). Are you sure your boyfriend is turned off by your 'clingyness'? I wouldn't be.

[Clementyne]

I'd like to thank you all for your helpful responses….

 

RedQueen, I suppose I might need therapy as well. You said that you've managed to confront this emptiness with some positive thoughts and actions, what kind of actions?

 

I wouldn't say I depend on my boyfriend for my own happiness, but I'd say I emotionally depend on him. He never told me that I'm clingy, but when he withdraws it makes me think that I might be suffocating him. In a recent argument—an argument I regret we've had—I was mad why he suddenly had to leave to do something even though I believe it was reasonable, I never seem to think so whenever this happens. He says why do you always make it hard for me to leave and this is what made me think he might see me as a clingy person. I'm not sure if he's turned off, but I'm just assuming. For example, in our recent fight that lasted for a whole weekend, I used to call him up crying and he would just apologize and tell me to forget about everything. I feel that I might be smothering him and this is why I've been calling less so that I wouldn't annoy him or pressure him, I want him to come to me on his own time. However, I noticed that he is confused by this. I thought I was giving him space. I don't really get him. And I don't want to talk to him about it because I know I'll get too emotional. What do you think?

[caro33]

Hi there Clementyne

 

I can relate to some degree to what you're saying, and I wish there was some easy answer for you. But the only solution I can propose is to do whatever you can to gain some perspective. You sound like you are (to some degree) making it look to your boyfriend like your world hinges on him. This IS unattractive to most people, as it would probably be unattractive to you if the roles were reversed. He may well have given you the benefit of the doubt and perhaps he's not yet aware of your feelings - but your own worries here need addressing anyway. It's not fun feeling dependent on someone, and it's always dangerous to attach too much of your happiness to others' everyday actions.

 

Have you been able to just do your own thing around him, to just say, 'sorry honey, i have made plans for XX date, how about we speak/catch up another time', whatever the appropriate example is? I know it sounds trite and a little game playing, but you need to demonstrate to him (and yourself) that you have your own life, and can cope very well without him if you need to. That doesn't mean you don't love him or want to be with him, but that you have prioritised other things also.

 

Perhaps you might want to:

 

(a) Speak to a counsellor if you are feeling anxious and need to talk to someone in person and understand what's going on. A disinterested third party might be just what you need to give help you gain perspective.

 

(b) Investigate the things you might do that would make you feel good without him, like take up dancing or language classes alone or with your friends. Take up a sport, art, whatever excites you, but make it regular, make it all yours, and make it a promise to yourself to be doing that thing at specified times when you are not going to be available to your boyfriend. Make some goals and work to attain them.

 

© Monitor your own internal dialogue on this issue. When he wants to leave and you react emotionally, what do you think you believe at that very moment? Is there anything you could tell yourself, or that he could say to you that would defuse the situation for you? Perhaps you can start to train yourself to think differently (ie, "i know he loves me, he is not rejecting me right now"), and perhaps you could let him help you too by asking him to kiss you before he goes, or whatever would seem normal but comforting to you.

 

But hey, most of us overreact sometimes, try not to worry about it too much. I think the key is probably to watch your own triggers and see what you can do to re-programme your thinking. The human brain is great, just by repeating things to yourself you can make yourself believe them.

[TheRedQueen]

RedQueen, I suppose I might need therapy as well. You said that you've managed to confront this emptiness with some positive thoughts and actions, what kind of actions?

Well some more background first, I used to be quite clingy as well and I think this has something to do with the fact that as a child I suffered from separation anxiety. When my mother would leave me or when she'd be late in picking me up, I'd get extremely anxious and expect the worst to have happened to her during this absense. This anxiety I believe later affected my intimate relationships where I would only feel safe and secure with the state of my relationship when I was tangibly with my boyfriend. The second he or I would leave or not speak to each other for an extended period of time, my anxiety would get the best of me and I'd start thinking the absolute worst.

 

Wow, this is the first time I've made that connection, hold on give me a second here to digest...

[Serendipity1607307077]

I used to be, and still am a very clingy and anxious person when it comes to my relationship with Luke.

 

It's something that does take a while to get over and as has already been mentioned - talking to someone about it really does help.

 

In the end, it's good if you get a hobby or something to occupy your mind. Go to the gym, volunteer, go out with friends, something that makes you happy. You guys are in it for the long haul... you need space away from each other sometimes, because otherwise you'll get tired of each other pretty quickly!!!

 

Good luck with it all.. and make sure you talk all this over with your boyfriend as well so he knows where you stand...

[confused25]

You're too emotionally dependent on your boyfriend. Maybe it's time that you start being more independent and learn how to be on your own and rekindle the relationships with your friends. Seriously though, it really helps. Sometimes my bf and I will hang out with our own friends separately. Couples don't need to always hang out together. And also, some people are just not that verbally expressive as the others, myself included, so just because that he doesn't always reassure you with words how much he loves and adores you, doesn't mean that that's not how he feels.

[kekep]

If you are too clingy, believe me in the end, it will only drive your boyfriend away. You need to create activities and hobbies to occupy your time if you haven't already. No one person can make you whole or completely happy; only you can do that yourself. It is too much pressure on a person if they have to be pleasing you all the time in order for you to be happy. And think about it, even if he is constantly up your booty all the time, it probably won't ever be enough. It all stems from your own insecurities. I agree with the above posters, find time for yourself and become more independent. It will help your relationship more than you could ever imagine.

[rocio]

First of all, your behavior is normal. We can all get a little clingy. There's nothing wrong with you.

 

It's good to set rules and stick to them. Instead of acting purely on emotion, sometimes you have to force yourself to behave differently. That can be disorienting, and it can feel like you are playing games. That's why rules can be handy.

 

You set them for yourself, and do not share them with your boyfriend. Force yourself to follow them, no matter how much self-control it takes.

 

Here are some examples:

 

1. Never cancel plans with the girls just to see your boyfriend.

2. Never call him after 2am, or more than 3 times in a day.

3. Only sleep over at his place 5 nights/week.

4. Hang out with the girls at least twice a week.

5. Talk on the phone at least once/day to either your girlfriends, sister, or mom.

 

 

They are just examples. Adjust them to fit your situation.

 

One rule my friend taught me was to never see a guy more than once/week. Of course, that doesn't work once you've actually got a boyfriend. But I was shocked at how it kept the guys coming back, again and again and again.

[ableknife]

Your situation is very familiar. I know i have been there, and i would assume that this is very common for women, especially young women. I am now very happily married, but it took a lot of trial and error before i reached this point. I recently read a book called For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn which talks all about how guys think and how to understand their often bizarre behavior. I found it so helpful, even at this point in my life. If i had this book 10 years ago, it really would have changed my life. Check it out.

 

link removed

[Relationship Coach]

I really don't think this is a matter of you trying to understand him. Everything you have posted is very common in a LDR. What you need to do is learn more about not letting one relationship strain another one. This guy hasn't done anything which says that he does not love you or you are not important. The fact that he wants to watch TV or browse on the web is should not be a slap in the face to you. A relationship like this needs to be secure on both ends and if you become insecure and clingy well that will more than likely cause problems. You want this relationship to be as enjoyable as it can be, not taxing. It is good to communicate with him how you feel but be cautious that it doesn't come accross as you being insecure.

Be more understanding to the fact that he may need less mental and emotional stimulation than you do. If you are really feeling neglected maybe you need to consider whether this relationship is worth the frustration. Try the web cam as a change of pace, maybe he will like that as it will be something new.

 

RC

[Jlizzy]

I can somewhat relate..I think we've all been there in some way or other..we're all human at the end of the day.

 

Hard as it is: try and push yourself to go out with your mates again and to do things for yourself. Quit looking to your boyfriend to be your pepper upper..you know this already. I've jsut passed through a 2 month phase myself where I had turned a bit clingy and I had no clue how to turn it back around...now that I've finally managed to back off and be my own person and do my own thing my bf is texting me more, telling me more sweet things, looking for my attention more and so on.

 

As for saying it to your boyfriend..very tricky definitely..I can relate..as agian with my boyfriend I was caught between being honest and yet another occasion of coming out with a problem essentially.

 

I've tried to switch my focus to the positive. I'm trying to do things for myself and drop my expectations of my bf. When he does something I like I tell him so and thank him for it. If theres something i would like I try to put the positive spin on it...eg by phrasing senstances with we as opposed to you and by making a positive statement about my desires as opposed to a statement that could be misinterpreted as a criticism.

 

I wish you luck coz I know myself it can be VERY tough indeed!

[Clementyne]

I'd like to thank everyone for all the useful tips and advice, I really needed it. Now that I've understood the situation, I am aiming at changing and being a different person regarding my dependency. Now it's been a week since I've been trying to practice control over the clinginess but yesterday was the first day I took charge of the whole thing. It started by a deep sense of emptiness, hours of crying and the impulse to just call him and see what's up, but instead, I called my best friend and we talked for 3 hours or so and we read all the posts here and decided that I really do need a plan. I know that I am a clingy person, but there have been many experiences in my life that I haven't confronted, consulting a counselor will be a great idea, I hope I can do it. So yesterday I went out with my sister, got some work done and hung out with my friends. I know it's a lot for just one day, but maybe the schedule one poster suggested has to be full the first week at least so I wouldn't have any free time to think. I guess my problem is thinking that him wanting to see me less must be something negative, even though I know this is how things go in relationships, but I suppose it's just my inexperience. Yesterday, we haven't spoke until 7 PM, which is when he texted me saying that he'll be waiting for me, I replied by telling him that I still have some work to do and I called him two hours later. It was a good conversation and I'd say giving him some room allowed him to actually miss me and come with a refreshed and very giving attitude. Now the secret is to stick to the plan and stop being too attached. Thanks a lot everyone, you've really helped me. It is comforting to know there are people out there who understand you and are always willing to help.

[caro33]

Good for you girl, come back anytime and let us know how you're doing!

[Clementyne]

Hello again everyone... I'm back.. Thanks for your concern caro33. Today was one of my rough days, there was a lot of crying, actually, I'm still crying. I'm feeling a little better because I've spent the last hours talking to my friends and trying to cope with the whole thing. To be honest, I think my problem is more than just clinginess. I did stick to the plan, however, today he called me and wanted to talk, and I felt that it was going to be one of the "not very good talking days" but I did it anyway, it was a mistake. I'm not sure if my observations are correct or incorrect. My friends tell me that I'm overreacting and that I'm just being over sensitive. I am oversensitive, over-analyzing the relationship and ready to be rejected at any second (because of my first experience). Sometimes I feel I'm just too old to be living with all this baggage. I've never talked to my boyfriend about this past relationship as I thought it's not a good idea, and I still do. I'm sure he knows I'm oversensitive and that sometimes I make a big deal out of nothing. So my problem is I felt today that there wasn't anything we could say. I did talk about my day but I felt that he might be busy and afraid to tell me so not to hurt my feelings. Then he started making these jokes and he was trying to tease me. He likes how I'm easily teased and he says it's cute. I, on the other hand, have tried my best to be so cool about it, and I've never tried to stop him or tell him that I don't like this way, got a little upset about this but I said that it I was just a little depressed, I didn't want to be a whiner. Maybe it's just that I have a pleasing attitude sometimes. This is when he decides it's time to go. I was upset, and him leaving felt like being abandoned by him in my little own world of negative thoughts and catastrophic mentality. We hung up and I cried my heart out and I knew that there wasn't anything serious it's just the baggage and sensitivity and maybe my not telling him this teasing thing is maybe enjoyable to him, but is not for me. I ended up thinking I wasn't born to be in a relationship and that even though he's the sweetest guy I've ever known, that he'll turn into this insensitive jerk once we get married and settle, thus, abandoning me etc etc. I've lived it all today and it made me sick and made me think why I've ever thought of putting myself through this. I'm still attached to a non-normal degree; I'm working on changing. Please help me... I don't want to lose my sweet and loving guy just because I can't deal with silly things like him wanting to leave or him being in a disconnected attitude (this also makes me feel rejected). I know it sounded like everything was working well for me, but it's seems like it's much more than clinginess. Thanks a lot for your help people, I really appreciate it and I would like to talk to anyone if it's going to help. My fear is that I was very happy that I found security with my guy, now I'm kind of losing it because of all the thinking I'm doing and because of an experience I had almost 10 years ago. Help..

 

Clementyne

[caro33]

You poor thing, you sound so afraid and alone. So let's try and take the sting out of your emotional state if we can...

 

First, you're not alone. You have friends, and you have your boyfriend. You have family? You have us faceless enotaloners who are thinking of you.

 

Second, try and take some perspective on who your guy is and how different he is from the previous one. Have a think about all the great things your guy has done for you and said to you, so you're on a more even keel about how your relationship is going.

 

Then let's look at tonight. Perhaps he thought you didn't want to talk? I have been told off by my guy a few times for doing the female thing and expecting him to know what I want without telling him. I reckon his perspective on your call tonight might have been 'oh she doesn't want to talk, so I had better leave her alone'. Is that possible? Men just aren't wired like women on this stuff.

 

Now you're not doing yourself any favours by not talking to your guy about how you feel and what you want. How about later, when you are feeling better and it's a quite moment after you've spent some time with him, you tell him that you feel a bit guilty because you've not spoken to him about how you feel and that he should understand what you are experiencing when he 'teases' you'. That maybe you're a bit oversensitive sometimes, and you're working on that, but in the meantime perhaps he could pull back a bit from the behaviour that's bothering you.

 

Can I ask, what happened in the last relationship that you can't tell him about? Could there be a version you might be able to share with him?

 

And coming back to you and where you are in your life, what are the top 5 things you have planned to do for yourself from here on in? Can you give me a list of things you would like to do for yourself? dancing? art? languages? school? team sports? anything you might want to say 'yeah I can do that' that you can't do right now?

 

And finally, fear is awful but it's normal. It's how you handle that fear and what you tell yourself in the meantime. I am getting married in 5 days and have been quite disconcerted about it all. Lots of nightmares where my ex (10 years together, then he up and left suddenly, never spoke again) comes back and I try to get rid of him, to find he turns into my current fiance and it's too late, he's gone. I am abandoned again. It's ridiculous and I have spent the past year or so dealing with it. But you know, you can deal with it; you can get a handle on it and move on.

 

If your man loves you he loves you despite your neuroses. Give him a chance to get to know the real you once you've had your cry. I strongly recommend sleep also - when I have been distraught and afraid in the past I self-medicate with a nap. I know it sounds lame but I always wake up with much more perspective. Does something work for you? Perhaps you can recognise that things are going to get overwhelming sometimes and then plan for what you will do in those moments.

 

For example 'When I next start to get upset, I will

(a) go for a walk if it's safe and comfortable

(b) not answer the phone to anyone

© call only [friend's name] if I need to vent

(d) have a cup of sweet tea

(e) If all else fails, I will go to bed for half an hour and relax.'

[Clementyne]

Thanks Caro33..

 

Yes, you're right I am surrounded by a lot of people who love me and are concerned about my well-being, and you are definitely one of them.

 

I know for sure that my current guy is way better than the first, in fact, the first was just "my first" I never really loved him and he never really loved me; he was only in love with the idea of being in love, which is why he ended up hurting me (coldly dumping me one day having the nerve to ask for his belongings on the same day). I guess he did that because I wasn't the kind of person who can easily open up... I was 18, young and very confused. This has had a dramatic change on my character, relationships and life in general. My current guy is very sweet, loving, and has proved to me that he is capable of tolerating any sort of hesitation or confusion I have about us until I am ready, which is when we can move on to the next step. He is the type who constantly tells me he loves me and has expressed his affections in different ways. I love him very much and I hate the fact that I might have driven him crazy with my oversensitivity and clinginess.

 

You are right about the female thing; I haven't said a word. I asked him if he wanted to go and do his thing, so that I won't feel rejected if he wanted to go. He did the teasing, I ended up getting upset, claiming that it's the stress I have from working on my thesis. So, I guess it was my mistake here.

 

I will talk to him about the teasing. I was hesitant though, I don't know if I should bring it up now, or later after he comes back from his business trip. But I'm not sure if I can take it anymore. One day, he did the teasing thing, and it is obvious that he thinks it's fun for me as well as it is for him, so I ignored and pretended, I even cried silently so that he wouldn't hear me and freak out. I don't want to set boundaries and I want him to feel comfortable talking with me and being himself; but I don't know if this is something I should tolerate? Obviously, we have been brought up differently, as this might be acceptable, and maybe endearing behavior within his household. In my family, teasing is very insulting and no one ever teases or pokes fun unless they were in a fight. Or maybe it's a guy/girl thing? I read somewhere that when guys tease, it is a male-bonding technique that women don't necessarily understand. But I do have to talk to him, I know how thanks to you, but I don't know when.

 

As for what has happened in the last relationship, it is the classical high school dump story as I have explained. I remember I told him something brief about it when we first met, but I don't remember what exactly. We were still friends back then and it was like 3 years ago. I don't know if it's right to talk about an ex. But I did tell him before we got involved that I do have a lot of issues; I don't know if that's enough.

 

As for the top five things:

1- Work on my thesis (I should be keeping myself busy but these days it became really hard)

2- Hang out with friends and family.

3- I've been doing a little photography with my new camera, but I haven't really went out to shoot the photos, I either do it from the balcony or from around the neighborhood and it has only taken me something like five minutes.

4- I think going back to practicing yoga will be great (haven't done that yet)

5- Read a self-help book on this (Dr. Phil' Relationship Rescue). But I don't know if it's right to include this, I mean it is something for me isn't it?

 

About fears, first, I'll have to say congratulations May you be blessed with happiness and contentment with your future husband. I liked your way of dealing with fear and it does sometimes work for me. I think what has greatly worked for me was keeping myself busy by reading a book, because it takes quite a while to finish it and it manages to get your mind off things for some time.

 

I believe my boyfriend does love me or he wouldn't have tolerated all the pain and drama i have caused. I think it's a good suggestion to talk to him after crying, because I used to call him when I cry and I think it made him feel helpless. He probably feels that he can't make me feel happy sometimes, because when I'm in this mood, I don't know how to get out of it.

 

When I get upset I will:

(a) Take a shower

(b) Practice yoga

© Write a list of the things I love about him and keep affirming myself

(d) Talk to my best friend

(e) Clean my apartment, do some laundry or anything that needs to be done.

 

My question is: now we'll be apart more than we actually are, given that we're in a long distance relationship, so we'll be talking a lot less. What do I do? I suppose I can cope when he's away because I know he has to go and it's not that he doesn't love me. So, do you think that time away will make things better? It will allow me to expect less of him and appreciate what ever I get I suppose.

 

Thanks a lot for your help and congratulations on your wedding, don't forget to enjoy it

 

Clementyne

[sunflowerEyes]

I completely agree with caro.. very very good advice. Here's something else. Consider yourself lucky to have such a kind, loving man in your life- one that you know wants to be with you and that you have a definate future with. Some of us don't have that confort. So, just think about that next time you're feeling rejected. You know it's not true, you know you're loved, and he's still there for you. So, just breathe and be strong.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

[caro33]

My question is: now we'll be apart more than we actually are, given that we're in a long distance relationship, so we'll be talking a lot less. What do I do? I suppose I can cope when he's away because I know he has to go and it's not that he doesn't love me. So, do you think that time away will make things better? It will allow me to expect less of him and appreciate what ever I get I suppose.

 

Thanks a lot for your help and congratulations on your wedding, don't forget to enjoy it

 

Clementyne

 

I haven't really been in a LDR and so don't think I can be of much help. How often do you see one another now, and what's it going to shift to? I guess my approach would be to be available for the times you see one another, and to make myself busy for some of the phone times. Perhaps use those times you are together as milestones for the other things you want to accomplish, like 'when we next see each other in X days/weeks, I will have finished X many more pages of thesis, be well on my way with a draft portfolio of photos, have moved to the next stage with my yoga (however yoga works)' etc.

 

As Relationship Coach said above though, perhaps elements of what you are feeling are natural for a LDR. If you see each other only every few weeks I can imagine each time they choose to be somewhere else when they could be with you it would feel like a rejection. Lots more pressure on you both than the average relationship, and thus lots more responsibility on you to manage your time in a way that keeps you positive and fulfilled when you're not together. Challenging! But it sounds like it might be worth it

 

Good idea re Dr Phil. I'm not by habit a self-help book type, but I have to admit to a soft spot for Dr Phil. When I felt upset a few weeks ago about relationship stuff I went to the local Borders and had a look through his most recent book. Felt much more balanced on my way out the store - stopped freaking out and did a full 180 in my attitude. Hey if this helps you to figure out a way to deal with things and plan your way toward feeling good, it's for you.

 

Thanks for your kind thoughts re my wedding. Have PMd you re the thesis but can continue that conversation wherever you like

[Clementyne]

We hardly see each other; like every other three months or so. We'll see each other on the holidays as we have planned. It'll take two years, when we plan to settle with each other and get married. I liked the milestone idea. I'll try and do it.

 

I agree: lots of pressure, responsibility and challenges! I feel like sometimes I might lose my mind.

 

Reading self-help books have helped me in different periods in my life. I'm in page 14 now in Relationship Rescue, and to tell you the truth it sounds like an excellent book with very good instructions on how to fix yourself/relationship. I will use these tips along with the one's you've all provided me here. Thanks again

 

I'm feeling a lot better...

[caro33]

Glad you're feeling better.

 

Sounds like what you might have is a discipline and organisational challenge most of all, in that it's about your self-discipline to believe in yourself and believe in your relationship, and work toward constantly developing both you and it within the constraints you're dealing with. It's probably going to stay a bit of a roller-coaster ride. When the troughs kick in the rules for how you cope are paramount. First rule according to me is as per the last PM - be kind to yourself!

 

Will leave you to your reading, take care.