sosimpole Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 This saturday is the 2nd anniversary of my dad passing away. I ask my girlfriend for her help to take my mind off of it, but she says she has a party to go to that night. It really feels horrible when I ask a person, that I thought loved me, for help and she has a hard time deciding what to do. She says that going to the party keeps her from losing herself to the relationship...which I can understand, but isn't that a little selfish? Or is it me who is being selfish? All I wanted was a little help, on one important day of the year, is that too much to ask? Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Wow, I find that to be selfish of her. This is a very important and emotional day for you. And she cannot be there to comfort you and make sure you are loved. I would see that as a red flag and make a note of it. I am sorry she isn't being as compassionate as you would have hoped. Hugs, Rose Link to comment
Meow18 Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 First of all, welcome to Enotalone! I can completely understand how you feel. If my boyfriend was in your position, I wouldn't think of being anywhere else but with him.. I do think it's a little insensitive of her to go to a party rather than be with you on a day that you need her the most.. all because she doesn't want to lose herself to the relationship? There's a difference between losing yourself and being there for the person you love. But you know, you can't make her do something she doesn't want to do. I guess you need to question the meaning of your relationship.. because it honestly doesn't sound like she's really thinking about your feelings. Is there a close friend who will be there for you? How long have you and your girlfriend been together? Link to comment
sosimpole Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 First of all, welcome to Enotalone! Is there a close friend who will be there for you? How long have you and your girlfriend been together? I have a couple close friends, but none that I can trust with this task.... We were together for 3 years then apart for 3 years, now we have been back together for about a month......it feels like a new relationship, but we have known each other for 6 six years.... Link to comment
lunatic Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Well I can only think of one possible reason why she would rather go to a party then be with you. That reason is she may not know how to deal with you or maybe she is someone who does not do well with death. I know a few of my friends that are like this as they would run for the hills rather than go to a funeral or even to a cemetery. If I were you I would talk to her about how this is affecting you. P.S. I agree she is a bit selfish. Hub Link to comment
sosimpole Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 Well I can only think of one possible reason why she would rather go to a party then be with you. That reason is she may not know how to deal with you or maybe she is someone who does not do well with death. I know a few of my friends that are like this as they would run for the hills rather than go to a funeral or even to a cemetery. I know her pretty well, and I don't think this is the case.... Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Then she's definitely selfish and I'd drop her if I were you! Link to comment
lunatic Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 I know her pretty well, and I don't think this is the case.... well then you might want to re-evaluate your relationship with her. I mean if she is not or cannot be there for you on the saddest day of the year. Well then I would have to say she MUST GO!!!! Kick her selfish butt to the curb and start No Contact ASAP! I mean if she is not able to be here for you on that day then she is not worth your time or affection's. Lose the selfish loser as you deserve better! Hub Link to comment
babypink61 Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 No, I don't think it's too much for you to ask . . . if my bf asked me the same thing I would've stayed with him to console him instead of going to the party. It's not like she has no idea of what's going on . . . you flat out asked her to help you and she refused, and I don't think that's what a supportive and caring girlfriend should behave. Link to comment
sosimpole Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 No, I don't think it's too much for you to ask . . . if my bf asked me the same thing I would've stayed with him to console him instead of going to the party. It's not like she has no idea of what's going on . . . you flat out asked her to help you and she refused, and I don't think that's what a supportive and caring girlfriend should behave. She hasn't given me an answer yet....she says she has to talk to her girlfriend, I think she is scared to lose face with her friends....especially for an old/new boyfriend.... Link to comment
WildChild Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 I don't understand why she didn't invite you along. Given the situation, even if it is "her way of not losing herself" what a perfect way to keep your mind off of things. I have to say, I would be evaluating this. May seem petty to some, but may be a good indicator to who and what she is really about. How long have you two been together? Link to comment
sosimpole Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 How long have you two been together? We were together for 3 years, broken up for 3 and now back together for about a month.....I know it is still new, but we have some history.... Link to comment
lunatic Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 We were together for 3 years, broken up for 3 and now back together for about a month.....I know it is still new, but we have some history.... You two have a long history and she is not NEW in a sense. She is not doing the "right thing" here in this situation. I would really think about your relationship with her and think if this is something you can deal with. A person who runs when the other needs her. Lose the selfish little girl before she hurts you even more in the future. Good luck, Hub Link to comment
WildChild Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 You may have a history together, however people can change over time and given that you two were broken up for a significant amount of time she may be a different person than who she was when you first met her or when you originally broke up. I'm not saying that she is a bad person, however depending on what your relationship was like before maybe there is more behind this decision. Just a thought: were you ever not there for her when she needed you, asked you to be, or otherwise should have been? You have to be honest because maybe she is giving you a taste of your own medicine as one possibility. Link to comment
sosimpole Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 You may have a history together, however people can change over time and given that you two were broken up for a significant amount of time she may be a different person than who she was when you first met her or when you originally broke up. I'm not saying that she is a bad person, however depending on what your relationship was like before maybe there is more behind this decision. Just a thought: were you ever not there for her when she needed you, asked you to be, or otherwise should have been? You have to be honest because maybe she is giving you a taste of your own medicine as one possibility. Before I was an inconsiderate ******* and she was (and I am starting to see probably still is) a selfish little girl, but in the last three years I've been through so many life changing events. My dad died, I almost died (I have the scars to prove it), I've beaten depression, addictions (drugs, alchohol, pills) and in the end, I came out a better/stronger person. I'm now the person that I never thought I could be. It's funny how much you grow when a parent passes away, how much it changes you spiritually and mentally. Sometimes I feel she needs to catch up.... Link to comment
Bethany Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 I understand that people don't have a clue about grief and how much it affects us when someone close dies and this is in a sense all new to you again, but just as a friend, I would be there. If I had made plans and this came 'along', I would immediately cancel them, no if's or but's, it's something you just 'do' without even thinking. If she can't be there for you when you need her most, there is no hope for the future, sorry. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 That is selfish on her part. My father's second anniversary is coming up next month and I believe I would feel the same way if my significant other reacted the same way as your girlfriend. Talk to her and let her know that you would really appreciate her company that day. If she's understanding, she'll want to make you happy. Link to comment
WildChild Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 It sounds as though you have been to hell and back in the last three years and deserve a pat on the back for everything you have worked through. All of these things that you have experienced are "eye openers" and fortunately for you, you have become a better person for surviving emotionally, physically, and mentally. Your gf however may not understand or grasp any of this and the only true way to find out is to simply explain to her exactly what you have explained here and see what her reaction is, or how she responds. Honestly, this is something that you need to find out right away during the initial reconcilliation before you go any further, including the day of the anniversary of your father's death and any plans you are trying to make with her. You will have enough to think about, you do not need to think about how your girlfriend was not there for you or making your day even more miserable. Maybe you two are no longer compatible in this type of a relationship. I certainly would find it sad to see anyone who has come as far as you have anyone bring you down. Link to comment
sosimpole Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 I left the conversation open ended last night. Well, I just got an e-mail from her suggesting ideas of things we could do together on saturday.....I guess she's not a rotten egg after all!!!! Link to comment
NKP Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Well I can only think of one possible reason why she would rather go to a party then be with you. That reason is she may not know how to deal with you or maybe she is someone who does not do well with death. I know a few of my friends that are like this as they would run for the hills rather than go to a funeral or even to a cemetery. If I were you I would talk to her about how this is affecting you. P.S. I agree she is a bit selfish. Hub I agree she might not know what to say or do to help you. Helping someone coping after losing a loved one is hard, even harder if you dont know what it is like to lose a loved one. But her rather go to a PARTY {mod edit} that is real selfish Link to comment
WildChild Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Well, good. I hope whatever you do your mind will be a million miles away from the anniversary. I do have to say, I stand by what I said earlier. Regardless if she is making plans with you now, I would still evaluate if she is "still a selfish little girl" like you similarily referred to her as, if you as a changed person can either live with that or not. Link to comment
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