so emotionally drained

[shorty20]

I know I've been posting alot about my fiance and things we've been going through since his accident, so please bare with me. i just need to vent right now. For those of you who haven't ready my previous threads, here's a brief overview of what happened. He's infantry in the Army. About a month ago, he was the DD for some guys he wasn't even friends with (he went to basic with them) but he saw them when he was at dinner and saw how drunk they all were and heard them talking about going to another bar so he decided to try to do the right thing and said he would drive them. while on the way to the bar, they passanger reached over and jerked the wheel trying to make a Uturn while the car was going 40mph and it flipped the car throwing my fiance out the windshield 40 feet from the car. The other guys were fine (there were 4 others) and they ran half a mile down the road and called a cab, leaving my fiance for dead. He broke all the ribs on his right side, broke his foot, shattered his scapula and fractured his skull. He was life flighted to the hospital and was kept there for 9 days.

 

Now, he got sent home for recovery, and ended up having ot get surgury for some roadrash that had gotten infected on his side (the hospital ignored it so it got infected) that surgury didn't work like it was supposed to, so they had to do more surgury because his side got infected. He has a huge 3 inch hole in his side that they have to have this thing called a woundvac hooked up to to drain fluids and help with healing. He has to have this changed and cleaned 3 times a week! The first time it wasn't so bad... ever since his surgury last friday he has been in immense pain. When they changed his dressings and cleaned it up today, he actually went into shock because he was in so much pain! And the doctors give him nothing to numb or help with anything while they're working on him.They also informed him today that he had developed a staff infection in his side. I can't stand to see him in so much pain and have nothing i can do about it but hold his hand and tell him I'm there.

 

Also, he's just now coming to terms with the fact that he may never be able to do infantry again. He may never go back to the army. They're saying it's a 50/50 chance he may be discharged. He's so depressed about this, because the army is the first thing that he's ever followd through with his entire life. It's the first place he felt like he belonged, and the first place that ever gave him any sense of direction. Because of one guy's mistake he may have all of it taken away. The guys that were involved in the accident that left the seen were given an article 15. Seems like they were pretty much left off the hook to me.

 

I'm seriously about to break down. I've done all I can. I've tried to encourage, tried to be there and done my best to keep my fiance happy but he's just constantly depressed. I just want my baby back. I want to help him, I wish I knew what to do. He's blaming God for all this happening, and no matter what i say nothing changes his mind. Sorry this got to be so long, I just needed to vent. I'm at work right now and can't even function because i know my baby is sitting at home in pain and hating the world and i just want to go and be with him and tell him everything will be ok.

[WorkNProgress]

Has he talked with a counselor or a therapist yet? I am surprised they havent started him on any anti-deps.

 

Unfortunately the only thing you can do for him is be there. You can't make him happy right now. He is in grave pain and his career is all but over in the Army. It is stressful for you I agree but when someone is coming to terms with so many things at once a cutesy remark or smile isn't going to fix it. Plus with all the surgeries and infections it must be just awful for him. His life has taken a dramatic turn. He is going through the stages of loss. You must give him time for these feelings. It is hard but a must.

[Dako]

You've done all you can. He needs to heal, recover and decide his future, and he's got you waiting for him. Not a bad motivator!

[shorty20]

i know there's nothing else i can do for him. i just feel so unbelievably helpless to watch him be in so much pain... to watch him be so depressed, and not be able to do anything about it.

[shorty20]

and i'm not waiting for him Dako, I'm with him now and helping him. We'll do this together!

[WorkNProgress]

Has he talked with any sort of therapist?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh wow. That is awful. There is nothing you can do except be there for him. He needs to come to terms with all of this on his own. Blaming God is a natural reaction. Years ago when I couldn't get a break and my life was in a downturn (career-wise), I too had a negative feeling about religion and God. Once my life turned around, I realized the lessons I had learned by going through the bad times had actually helped me in the long run. Had my life turned out the way I had originally planned it I would not have been happy. I was not given the career I thought I wanted at the time because I was not meant to have that career, I was destined for something more suitable for me. I think God was looking out for me.

 

Having said all that, I am sure your fiance doesn't want to hear "it is for the best and things will work out in the end". Nobody wants to hear those cliches when they are going through a bad time. Just listen and be there for him.

[shorty20]

no he hasn't talked to a therapist and I don't think he would. He's a very independent, manly man and I think that seeing someone about his 'emotions' would be a blow to his ego that he wouldn't be willing ot take.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Shorty- your fiance must feel pretty good that you are there for him the way you are and that you care so much.

 

That alone, i believe is enough, just keep holding his hand.

[WorkNProgress]

Wow! I am surprised the Army hasn't brought someone in. If he doesn't talk with someone he could be bitter and angry for a long time. This has been a major upheavel in his life.

[shorty20]

well, he's stationed in Georgia and right now he's home on con leave in our hometown. He's communicating with his commanders and stuff via phone calls only.

[Scout]

Shorty, this accident happened a relatively short time ago. It could be a long while before he gets through all the aftermath, and if you're already emotionally drained and wanting "your baby back" I have to tell you that you're in for a much longer journey than perhaps you're prepared for.

[WorkNProgress]

Shorty, this accident happened a relatively short time ago. It could be a long while before he gets through all the aftermath, and if you're already emotionally drained and wanting "your baby back" I have to tell you that you're in for a much longer journey than perhaps you're prepared for.

 

I have to agree with this statement. Accident victims have long long roads to recovery. Not only the physical part of it but the emotional and psyche part too.

[shorty20]

I have to tell you that you're in for a much longer journey than perhaps you're prepared for.

 

I disagree with this statement. Much longer than I'm prepared for? I"m having a bad day and yes, I am emotionally drained and in need of a good, relaxing weekend but that dosen'tmean I'm ready to give up on him now or ever. It dosen't mean I'm expecting him to be back to normal with the snap of my fingers. I don't have unrealistic expectations of him at all. I know he'll have his good days and his bad days it just pisses me off that it seems like he keeps getting the sh*t end of the stick. Nothing has gone right with doctors or surgury or anythign since he's gotten back and I think we are both emotionally drained and just clinging to each other right now. I'm trying to be strong for him and to be the person he comes to for strength but some days are naturally easier than others. That dosen't mean that I can't handle it, which is what it seems like you were implying.

[Scout]

You're right, I did have some concerns that you might not be able to handle it. Not because you're not a very caring and devoted fiance (which I KNOW you are), but mostly because this is new territory for you and happened so unexpectedly.

 

Just a little "motherly" admonition to remember that you're in for a long haul, here. (Sorry, the older I get, the more I start to act like my own mother. ) Apologies if it seemed to imply you're fed up already, that was definitely not my intention or even something I considered. I know you love him, a great deal, as I've followed many of your threads for some time now.

 

But again, the aftermath is going to be a while. I agree with another poster who said the best thing you can do is just listen and sympathize. Because sometimes, trying to point out all the alternatives in an effort to make someone see the positive can backfire. I think a lot of people are geared to want to "fix things" for their loved ones, it's only natural...but let's face it, it can also get on their nerves. Not that you're doing that, either, but just something to remember in the future. Again, listening and just being your usual sweet self will be the best tonic for him.

[Scout]

it just pisses me off that it seems like he keeps getting the sh*t end of the stick. Nothing has gone right with doctors or surgury or anythign since he's gotten back

 

Now, that would definitely frustrate me, too. It also strikes me as very messed up how his "buddies" aren't having to answer to their responsibilities here. What exactly is an Article 15?

[shorty20]

it can mean a number of different things. It's pretty much a slap on the wrist... deff. not something that will affect their careers much. Maybe a little cut in pay from what i understand but i"m not an expert yet since we're new to the military