after effects of violence, me

[itsallgrand]

Disclaimer:

I require a rant. This is purely personal feeling. I need to write it, and this community is good, so I hope it is taken for what it is. It is basically venting steam. Thx.

..........................

 

Just when you think you've 'moved on'. Moved on! *insert crude finger gesture here* Move on and strong.

If I hear that once more in my life, from some weak willed soft belly crawling spewing not living real life puke I shall simply tell them: f off. Oh, I'll call em on it. Comfort and a state of (bliss). It's called drunk and delusional!

Pin heads.

 

" Shall I knock it into your head again? Heh? Don't be stupid. "

" Don't make me take off this belt. "

" Ohh you think you are so great. Eh? Smart arsed byatch. "

" Don't go thinking you are worth anything. Because you are not. You were born a sl and you will always be a sl. You deserved what you had coming. "

" Cow. You think money grows on trees? Filthy little byatch. "

"

" Nobody likes you, nobody will ever like you. Nobody likes a piece of sh like you."

" Pull down your pants. "

 

AaahhhhhFfffffYooooooo uuuu!!!

 

...............

 

Did you ever get the feeling you'd like to squeeze something so hard it would squack and pop, crunch and squeak? Like you just have to get it out, and its going to be this poor little creature that is going to take it. Take and suffer the pain. Seeing it so small, so helpless, so vulnerable makes your throat tighten up and your blood boil?

It has no defence. No chance. Oblivious. Trusting. You can laugh at it. Mock it. Toss it. Discard it.

Sound familiar?

 

I got this feeling today. No, no way did I do anything like that. But the feeling. I've had that feeling before. What is it. Where does it come from. How do I make it go away. Why doesn't she have it. Am I cursed from birth.

 

I was damaged. Badly damaged. Feel it raw still. Still. Hurts. Today. Bad.

Holy Sunday, it's not my fault! Btards! I lost out on something - what is it.

oh, this is what it is:

Learning how to process emotions.

How in the hel did I make it this far?

Being seen and heard for who I am. Square one. Nasty words - lies! - and I believed them. HOw could I believe them? Maybe I actually am stupid.

No, I am not stupid! Then, I needed somebody. It wasn't my fault.

My brain, my mind. They screwed with my mind.

My body. They hurt my body.

 

Cowards!!

 

I guess I figured I was going to take the whole world on. Cut n bleed and punch and fall. Who cares? I thought.

Not I. "ya ain't worth this can. buurrllp. "

But she is. She IS.

 

It IS me. They are only sickly pathetic cowards infecting the population now.

And I carried them inside me - thinking they were me.

 

And I'm not stupid.

Do I need to repeat it? I am not stupid.

 

No way. No way will I carry this around anymore. This is IT. I declare war on the true enemy. The pathetic little meatsack of a mind that grasps and grasps and seeks and seeks and destroys and sucks and lies and tortures and is blind and is a negative print of all actuality and totters drunk and fumbles for zippers and laughs in hate and cruelty. Blehhh!!

 

It is all one huge Lie. Absolutely, without shame sick. Abuse, violence, rape, murder death kill - ((HUGE SCREAM TO THE WORLD )) That sick b murdered her own child. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered.

Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered.

Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered.

Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered.

Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered. Murdered.

 

" Things happen. "

 

Whatever. Another one bites the dust. A kid don't mean much. We can make another one with a few bottle of Crown. S happens. Throw her away, don't speak her name, watch your own back cause no one will watch it for you.

This is life sweetheart, and no one gives a damn. Kill or be killed. Watch yourself.

 

Don't worry. I'm calling a professional. Always talk to a professional. Never rely on your own judgement. You may get hurt! Do not panic. THEY will protect you. Never think for yourself. Always consult an expert. Take a ticket. Wait. Room B, corner around the left. Take this pill. Take that. Have a nice day.

 

But god help you if you tell the TRUTH! The world is basically insane. It 'functions' more or less. Yet basically insane. Forget it all. I mean, ALL. (to self)

 

(I am calling a pyschiatrist. That's beside the point. Soceity is safe. You are safe. Resume all cellular conversations. Go back to school. )

 

I'll figure it out eventually.

[Beec]

I doubt you'll figure it out. I won't tell you that everything that you allude to is clear, but it seems as if most of it would defy rational explanation. If it cannot be explained, it cannot be figured out, in my eyes.

 

On the other hand, I do hope you learn to live with it to the extent that can be done.

 

Take care.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks Beec. You talk sense.

 

Sometimes I just feel I need to get the doubts and ugliness out, and here seems safe.

[Dako]

Please vent anytime. You obviously need it, and while I might not understand it all, I understand the need. You're a good person.

[dogheadma]

Well done.

[Gracelove]

Wow!

I can tell you're hurting and going through a lot.

There was a lot of craziness in your post, which I'm guessing means you're feeling that craziness inside.

I can really sympathize with you. Things get so crazy.

I gather that you've been abused, have you been raped also?

You mentioned taking a pill.

I feel for you.

This life is very hard, and it seems...well, at least in my case...that you only really notice when a tragedy occurs.

Life seems so wonderful and optimistic, at least it seems workable.

I've been abused and raped.

then life changes, it's like you're swimming upstream.

Definitely keep writing.

Get out the ugliness.

I feel happy for you, that you can get some of it out.

It feels good to get the ugliness out.

I find that I can't always get it out, so you should continue to get it out when you can.

I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry that you've had to go through this.

You're still here though. Congratulations. Because it truly is an accomplishment.

I hope your day gets a little better.

With love always

~Grace

[itsallgrand]

Thanks. Having someone to hear it means A LOT. Though I don't want it to get out of hand. Notebooks piling up full of garbage.

 

Yes, Grace. I have been raped. It was a long time ago. I was a teen.

I read all your posts Grace, even when I don't reply. I think you are a very brave girl.

 

And what you say is true...Life IS hard and often it takes tragedy to get that. Oh yes, it is also beautiful. Fragile, glorious, and with incredible bursts of love and kindness. That stuff really matters. It matters more than anything.

 

Sometimes I get very angry, and I feel jealousy. Jealousy of those who don't understand. Who don't know.

Would I wish for bad things to happen to them? No. No. No.

But it hurts to feel when others do not understand, when you search and search for some understanding. Just a basic understanding.

 

It's little things. Someone being cruel without understanding what they are doing is cruel. Someone dismissing another bc of some trivial difference. Someone taking all their priveledges for granted. Fairy tale fantasies that hurt others. eeyup.

 

Sometimes I really do believe that understanding is even more important than love. To be understood.

 

Really feeling alone, and then I remember: there are others. Saddens me, there are others who know. Saddens me even more, sometimes, to see how the whole machinary of social humanity works. We're all just human.

 

There's a lot of fight in me trying to understand the unexplainable. Probably a basic human instinct. And some things really don't have an explanation. That's easy to accept when things are sweet, not so easy when things are not.

 

Venting helps. At least right now it is. Got to watch out for indulging.

[Beec]

Itsallgrand, I'm not quite sure if you head is in the right place. After all, you've been through something tough, and maybe more than I know. However, I can tell that your trying to get to the right place. And often, there's not much more we can ask of someone. Keep it up.

[Daddy Bear]

here we have proof that anger has a rightful place in our hearts. i could almost feel the catharsis flowing from your fingertips as you typed.

 

i totally hear where you're coming from, and as much as i can from this far away, Grandy... i got your back.

 

*huglet*

[sonjam]

Venting goes a long way in helping to deal with pent up anger, anger against abusers, anger against the world, anger directed at yourself for "letting" this happen.

 

Talking about therapists.... I've been to a few different kinds see this thread if you are interested to read about it

But the type that helped me best to deal with anger, against my mother, and sadness for what happened to me was a hypnotherapist - here's a run down on my writings:

 

 

 

 

sorry for the long quotes, I would not post it if I didn't think it would be valuable to you.....

[itsallgrand]

sonjam,

 

I really appreciate that.

 

It's giving me a lot to think about.

 

I've been through so much therapy and such already, at the moment I am just taking a break. Except for check ins and emergency type calls.

It's a lot to process. My symptoms were rather severe and that is what has been the focus so far: so I can live a 'normal' life.

 

It's very strange how stuff comes to me in waves. Layer, after layer. Right now I'm (thankfully) getting a bit of a breath of fresh air. Yet I know there is still stuff waiting to be confronted and dealt with. Trying to trust the process.

 

I dread and am excited simulatenously that moment you described...when you hit the core and open it up.

 

Your thread that you linked helps me a lot. Thanks for sharing and reaching out.

[sonjam]

Itsallgrand, anything I can do to help. We all carry alot of pain in us. And sometimes we focus on the things we THINK hurts the most, only to discover it was triggered by something totally different, something we never even thought was a problem, and that's the core of our sorrow.

 

Reaching that core is painfull, and drains you emotionally and physically. It felt good to finally confront it, but it was not over in a session of therapy. I talked about it with my loved ones, and best friends, and started crying everytime I had to explain what happened. Only after several weeks passed was I able to think about it and feel better. Therapy only opens up the festering sore, you have return there afterwards, often, to wash it all out and let it heal .

 

You've had alot of pain and loss. As a child a person cannot deal with that. Even as a grownup we know it's ok now, but when you think back on what happened it's not the grownup you, it's the child in you that sees it, feels it aches from it. You need to "mother/father" the child in you...

 

Gosh I really hope you feel better soon, until then, keep raving and ranting, we will listen and support you!

[little red]

I know what you mean about understanding being important.

 

I found someone who understood, even though they hadn't been through it.

Someone who I could trust, to tell everything to and who walked through so much of this journey with me. Someone who I valued so much.

 

And they have just ruined everything by telling me they have feelings for me,

 

How do i deal with that?

[Beec]

I know what you mean about understanding being important.

 

I found someone who understood, even though they hadn't been through it.

Someone who I could trust, to tell everything to and who walked through so much of this journey with me. Someone who I valued so much.

 

And they have just ruined everything by telling me they have feelings for me,

 

How do i deal with that?

 

Who else would you want to have feelings for you, but someone you trusted, valued and could tell almost everything to? Isn't that what you look for in a person? Sounds to me like someone to latch onto, not to think has ruined everything.

 

At the same time, I'm not in your shoes.

[little red]

sorry i probably didn't explain enough - he also happens to be my partner's best friend

[Beec]

sorry i probably didn't explain enough - he also happens to be my partner's best friend

 

Well that doesn't help. But just because the feelings exist, does notmean something needs to happen. Of course, that may make it more difficult to talk with them, so . . . . I think I understand a bit more.

[little red]

Again, I'm sorry ...

there's so much more to it than that and I realise that I can't expect people to understand and support me if I don't share the full story but I don't feel as though I can right now.

Everything is such a mess and my head is so confused ... then I read the thread about someone who's partner read their posts on here and that made me reconsider what I was about to write.

I just feel really alone now.

[itsallgrand]

Sonjam,

 

Yes, yes, yes. Your posts are spot on.

 

I'm actually feeling better. Like A LOT better. Something clicked, and part of it is due to me starting this thread. I've been writing so much since I posted, in my notebooks, even scribbling on scraps during work. The pieces are starting to come together. Things I guess I wasn't able to come to terms with before or confront bc my pain was too distracting. Couldn't think of much else.

 

This part made me cry. In a good way. It hit home:

Even as a grownup we know it's ok now, but when you think back on what happened it's not the grownup you, it's the child in you that sees it, feels it aches from it. You need to "mother/father" the child in you...

 

Now this may sound stupid, but i don't believe you will find it stupid. I think you will understand what i mean. ....

'Kid' me 'Past Me' has been in charge and living parts of my life! Like, at times I've been confused - and acting out the past, thinking like i was in the past, transported right back there without realizing that i am a grown-up now and that is memories.

 

It's really really weird. Y'know, i'm familiar with dissassociation and numbing out and flashbacks and all that junk, but I never really connected the fact that 'it is all memories' - not in the Present.

 

God, the body and brain is so wiley ! It feels so real, eh.

 

anyhoo. This feels like a major break through. I can now START Talking about the facts of my past. Know my own life history, reclaim it!

 

........Just, sincere hugs to you Sonjam.....

 

Little Red,

 

We're here to listen if or when you feel comfortable to talk about it.

 

Do you see a therapist? Therapists are like a safe haven in the world, seriously. When things get so complicated that you need just someone to listen to you and pay 100% attention to you without asking for anything but respect in return - that's the way to go.

 

p.s. You are not alone. You are at enotalone! Whatever it is, there is someone who understands.

[little red]

that's my problem.

 

this guy i'm talking about was my therapist - i went to see him in a professional sense. and it got messy. the very person that i needed to be safe has complicated things more. and we'd come so far.

 

We made a mistake. when we started talking it was all professional but, because of circumstances, our two families became friends and the line between professional counsellor and friend became seriously blurred. it's all gone horribly wrong and I feel very betrayed.

 

i also understand all that you've discovered about responding to things as the child in you. I was sexually abused as a child and when things come up now or I talk about what happened, I feel as though I'm taken back in time and still respond with the powerlessness I felt back then. It has taken a lot for me to start responding to emotional situations as an adult who is in control.

 

thank you for your patience and understanding. I do appreciate it.

[TheRedQueen]

I know that it's not much of a consolation but I think that you are a beautiful person.

 

I feel you, I feel you.

[itsallgrand]

Little Red,

 

Okay. Your situation is starting to make more sense to me now.

 

That is a deep betrayal. Your feelings are healthy. That was not right of him at all.

 

I will be perfectly honest here and let you know I feel ill-equipped to really guide you in the right direction right now. My head is pretty messy and I need to go to bed soon.

 

I will listen, though, and offer what I can. I come here often.

I can tell you do understand - unfortunately - what I was talking about with the 'kid me' thing.

 

Do you think you would be ok with starting your own thread to tell more of your story? More people will see it that way, and we'd have a better shot at supporting you and helping you figure this out.

 

If you're not comfy with that, you can stay here. No problem.

 

.........

 

RedQueen,

 

thank you for the love. Your words mean a lot to me.

 

...........

 

Til later. must sleep before work. lol.

[sonjam]

Itallgrand. I know exactly what you mean. I've been there, and done that. I sometimes disassociate too, but less so these days than previously. Yes and I agree, it is the child in you that steps forward and tries to "re-enact" the past to try and fix it.

 

It means that child is hurt and is trying to heal himself. You have to help!!! That child will keep on trying to fix things (but still as a child) until you, the grownup you reach out to that child and show the child that everything is going to be ok, that you turned out ok, and that you will take care of it.

 

What a big step to take. You will need a bit of guidance with it you know...

 

Anyway, I truly and utterly believe it will go along way in helping you sort out all the dark pages in your book. After you discover what it is that is REALLY bothering you, other smaller problems will fall into place and resolve themselves. The biggest YAHOOOOOO for me was the depression I've been struggling with for years. As a child I had terrible migraines, and now I know it was from the stress a poor 5 year old was under, it was the only way I could deal with it, by letting it manifest as a migraine!!

[Punk-Minority]

i can't imagine what you've had to go through in the past, but i feel like this site is a tremendous support system for each other, where we can find people who have gone through similar things, and find comfort.

 

i really want you to know, that i'm deeply sorry for the trauma and hurt you've had to go through. Some people say "it gets better" and sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but usually, it does. And sometimes, therapists and counsellors, physiatrists are the right route- they can heal our emotional wounds. i have emotional wounds, because of my dad, when i was 13 i wanted to die simply from the emotional abuse, and i would cry myself to sleep. i can't say, i know what you’re going through/have been through, but in the area of emotional abuse i can say i know how it feels.

 

i believe, finding a spiritual source helps, professional help, of course helps, and finding really great friends who are the opposite to the ugliness in the world, helps. When we can find something/someone in life, that can do and be the opposite of the things that abused us, then we can begin to heal. Find these things, and heal. KNOW you can, don't doubt you can, KNOW you can overcome the evil and ugliness this person put you through.

 

" Shall I knock it into your head again? Heh? Don't be stupid. "

" Don't make me take off this belt. "

" Ohh you think you are so great. Eh? Smart arsed byatch. "

" Don't go thinking you are worth anything. Because you are not. You were born a sl and you will always be a sl. You deserved what you had coming. "

" Cow. You think money grows on trees? Filthy little byatch. "

"

" Nobody likes you, nobody will ever like you. Nobody likes a piece of sh like you."

" Pull down your pants. "

 

Don't believe lies. Don't ever let yourself believe lies. You're not stupid, you're very smart and intelligent, so much it scares this person, because it is this person, that abuses/abused you, telling you the things, that are secretly his/hers demons.

You are worth more than this person had imagine. You are so worthy because whether you believe it or not, your a child of God. thereforeeee your worthy and again this person is just lying to you.

And he's wrong again, saying "No body likes you" , i bet you can list a few people that like you eh? we certainly like you! This just proves, it's this persons insecurities, it's his fears that people don't like him, that no one will ever like him, that’s why he takes it out on you.

May i ask, who is this person to you? Father, stepfather, brother, boyfriend?

 

Please, try and get yourself out of his persons claws, don't let this person control you anymore, leave! get away from them. You don't have to be a victom anymore.

 

God bless you.

I hope you escape this.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you so much. I don't know what to say. This thread makes me feel very positive about moving forward because of the beautiful replies. It strengthens me.

 

Tonight is a crasher and i'm not sure why. Spent the weekend with family. Could be it. Overall, it was nice and positive. But it was also intense, and dare i say emotionally draining. I'm tired but feel deflated.

 

People are starting to notice that I am changing. I don't know what to think or feel about that. I almost wish they would not compliment me, or say anything. Just because it makes me wary. It makes me a bit scared that I will not succeed. I don't understand it.

 

I got a 'gee, i guess you must have had a hard time. Never thought of it before.'

 

I think that is what has me temporarily crashed at the moment. That is precisely the point. I was forgotten and left to fend for myself. And it still hurts. There is still so much unspoken. So much weighing on my soul. I want to say the words. I want to cry. I want to be helt and told it will be okay. I want to be told I am worth it. I want to feel loved again. I want my voice back.

 

I'm lonely and I'm sad and I'm scared. I am jealous of women with families and babies. I know I have done right. I know I was not able to do that before. I never wanted to be a mom or wife who couldn't provide all of myself, I never wanted to make a child or spouse of mine pay for my own pain. So I stayed away from that.

 

Still, I think I would be a really good wife and a really good mom. I would like that. Some day.

 

I am tired of my randomness and self absorption. I am tired of feeling alone.

 

I can not even bear to speak of my own life. I am writing it down. I have shared some. I still have trouble believing it. I still can't come to grips that it was real, and that it is over, and that I am okay.

 

I'll do what I have to get better.

 

The world seems rather surreal to me tonight. Let's hope this is only the effects of a full moon passing and it will be saner in the morning.

[Beec]

itsallgrand,

 

Your comment about doing what you have to do to get better is perfect.

 

And if you do, then you will be a great wife and mom.

 

Keep it up.