Happy birthday to me!!! Yeh!!!

[Gracelove]

Today is my birthday and I'm 23 years old!!!

Yeh!!!

It's a nice day so far, I woke up less than an hour ago.

I went to Florida with my boyfriend, and it was really nice.

I feel pretty good. Life is still life, it's really hard at time, but things are really, really good today.

I'm glad it's my birthday.

I'll be going home soon, for a month to be exact, and I'll really, really miss my boyfriend!

I'll probably ease the pain of missing him by buying gifts for him.

That will be great, it'll make me feel really good.

I have a job waiting for me at home, so making money will be really easy.

I can't wait.

I'll also be losing a lot of weight when I go home, so I'm really excited about that!

I'm mostly excited about coming back to see my boyfriend and my cats, my new family.

I consider home to be wherever he is.

He has taken such good care of me, and being away from him is likely to kill me.

And he has taken care of me, he took such good care of me when I couldn't take care of myself.

I love beyond words.

How am I suppose to be without him now?

I haven't been away from him since the day we've met.

He has protected me and kept me safe.

I was raped right before I met him and my world just fell apart, but him and Jesus have been the only glue holding what's left of my world together.

How am I suppose to leave him???

School, is taking me away from him.

I hate school.

Always and forever, LOL.

Well actually, I just hate the school I'm currently attending.

I can't wait to be through with it!

I've had soooo many horrible experiences in college, just awful.

College has been far from my best years in life.

College has been like a new hell.

I hate it so much!

Anyways, I'm trying to think of the positive... coming back home.

Seeing the love of my life again, being a smaller size so that I can surprise him, bringing him gifts.

Spending Thanksgiving and Christmas together.

 

And I think a good thing about going back home to California, is that it will give me an opportunity to purge.

 

I can be angry, and sad, and let it all out. I can lose the weight I want, just let it all go.

 

I want to come back a better person. A more normal person, a new person.

 

I've come to realize that I'm stuck with certain things now.

 

Feeling dirty, unclean, and violated, that's just something I'll have to live with.

And it's really unpleasant, but I don't have a choice.

 

It hurts sometimes, to think of my situation, what happened to me, the way I now am.

It hurts so bad not to be able to turn off feelings and emotions regarding what happened.

I just feel so sad sometimes.

 

It's awful to feel like you're in hell.

Unworthy of something.

I feel unworthy of so many things.

 

My boyfriend is such a wonderful, sweet person.

We are both Christians and he has decided to refrain from sex until marriage.

 

It's such an honorable thing.

 

It's just so hard for me to do.

I love him, I love being with him.

 

I just, it's hard, because sometimes I feel so dirty and I feel that only he can make it better.

 

It hurts to think that some random person off of the street can just decide to take something from you.

To me sex is something I chose to share only with those that I love.

I lost my virginity to my secone fiance (unfortunately he was really abusive).

 

So I decided that I wasn't going to have sex again until I was married.

I was definiately going to wait.

I had an unpleasant, slightly tramatic sexual experience with my fiance (the one I lost my virginity to)

 

I really didn't like sex at all. Not at all.

 

Then I was raped.

 

And my world was gone.

 

Then I met my boyfriend. It was definitely love at first sight.

And our love is soooo strong til this day.

 

Anyways, we were intimate, had sex, and it was so wonderful.

 

I mean previously my experiences were tramatic, and then rape.

 

I mean when I had sex with my boyfriend, it was wonderful.

I felt safe. I wasn't scared. There was no badness, it was all so wonderful and special.

Everything was okay, I was safe.

I felt like that nagging badness (of the rape) had vanished ya know.

 

Well, now we don't have sex anymore.

And it's excruciating for me.

Now I feel like there is nothing to get rid of the bad, uncomfortable, nastiness left by the rape.

I don't know why I have these feelings you know.

But I don't feel as safe, and I walk around feeling so dirty.

I can't explain why being intimate with my boyfriend made that go away, I just don't know.

We were going to get married in less than a year from now.

But now we aren't getting married until 3 years from now.

He won't touch me in that way. We aren't intimate. And it should be fine, perfectly okay with me.

But instead I feel, doomed.

Condemned to feeling dirty.

I feel like I'll be walking around for the next 3 years feeling dirty, and unhelpable.

And I hate thinking about sex.

You know.

I love him, and I feel so safe with him, and when we are intimate like that it makes me feel completely safe and in touch with him.

I don't know.

I feel dirty, bad, awful, sad.

I have all of these emotions and feelings that I can't control and don't fully understand.

It's really pretty bad.

Anywho, I think I'll get up and do something nice for myself for my birthday!

Love you guys!!!

~Grace

[Scout]

Hi, Gracelove...we're pretty fond of you, too! Have a wonderful birthday today. Treat yourself to a very special one this year, ok?

 

p.s. (Would it be possible for you to switch to a smaller font? Like maybe the size I'm using in this post? For those of us reading eNotalone posts at work, we don't want to advertise it! I work from home myself, but used to work in a cubicle, so well remember having to hide that I was on eNotalone instead of shuffling paperwork.

[southerngirl]

Happy Birthday !!!!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Happy Birthday Grace!!!!!!!!

[rose2summer]

Happy Birthday Grace! Hope it's a very special day for you

[BellaDonna]

Happy Birthday!!!!

 

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[coollady1957]

Happy Birthday ! Hope you have a great day !

[Gracelove]

Thanks guys!!!!

[NKP]

Happy Brithday i know i am late to say it but anyway i hop you had a great day