What's wrong with me?

[GoneAgain]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I spent all day volunteering with a place that helps homeless kids to paint their housing so it was more warm and welcoming. It was wonderful, the people where all great, and I felt really good doing it. The great feeling lasted until I got home

 

I feel like I'm going to cry and like there's a lot of anxiety. I got home and things just kept going down hill. Even before I walked in the door I could hear the screaming. I walk in and see my father yelling at my brother with a keyboard in his hands waving it around. My brother was trying to help my father fix the computer and he did something wrong so my father got angry.

 

I should know better, but I asked what was going on. My father started on me about staying out of it, then continues on my brother about what an idiot he is. My brother is really sensative and I can see the tears starting and finally rolling down his face. My father goes "Oh what!?! Know your going to cry like a * * * *ing baby! That's just great!" and on and on about being a "wussy" and "cry baby" and of course I have to stick my big mouth into it trying to defend my brother or at least turn the heat away from my brother and onto me.

 

Well it worked of course. He started in on me getting in my face yelling at me, throwing his arms around and all. At this point anything I say or don't say just makes things worse, so the only thing I can do is either get him so angry by just walking out or just stand there and take it for a while. Well I chose the first choice. I grabbed my brother and walked out the door with him with my father close behind yelling that if I don't come back right then I won't ever come back.

 

Well so me and my brother just kept walking, I had no clue where we were going to go so we just kept walking. I guess I ended up here....at my friends house. So yeah, that's where I'm at now. I don't know what to do! I can't live at my friends house forever! I feel horrible, I just * * * *ed up my life AND worse, my brothers!!! I don't know what to do, I can't go back to my house and I have no where else to go......I'm so lost on what to do. Why do I always do these things??

[friscodj]

Hey GA, what you described reminds me of my dad, actually, he has done what you describe before, down to the computer keyboard and everything...

 

How old are you? How old is your brother? Do you have any family close by? How long has this been going on and what is the worst he has ever done in these rages of his?

 

I think your dad said what he said when you were leaving out of anger. I don't think he means it. You will most likely never hear an apology for this...

 

Answer those questions I asked and we'll talk about them...

 

And I think you did good by stepping in and standing up...

[TheRedQueen]

Wait, PLEASE stop beating yourself up for this, what you did was the right thing to do. I'm impressed by your strong sense of morality and the sacrifices you've made to protect your younger brother. I would love to give you practical advice, but I would need more details about your situation.

[GoneAgain]

Hey GA, what you described reminds me of my dad, actually, he has done what you describe before, down to the computer keyboard and everything...

 

How old are you? How old is your brother? Do you have any family close by? How long has this been going on and what is the worst he has ever done in these rages of his?

 

I think your dad said what he said when you were leaving out of anger. I don't think he means it. You will most likely never hear an apology for this...

 

Answer those questions I asked and we'll talk about them...

 

And I think you did good by stepping in and standing up...

 

I'm 18 (so old enough) and my brother is 16. I don't have any family close by, the closest family I know of are my cousins who now live in Connecticut. He's always had a temper, it use to be taken out on my older sister, but she ran away a few years ago. Um....The worst? The worst he's done would be to my brother, he poured boiling water on his chest, caused it to bubble up. He was cooking something when my brother got him angry for something. I think that sounds worse then it actually was though. To me the worst would only threatening to hit me or flipping a coffee table upside down that had a bowl of spegetti on it. But that's it.

 

I hope he said it out of anger, because I have no money and no where else to go.

[TheRedQueen]

Oh, and the name of your thread shouldn't be what's wrong with me, it should be what's wrong with him, as in your father.

[GoneAgain]

Wait, PLEASE stop beating yourself up for this, what you did was the right thing to do. I'm impressed by your strong sense of morality and the sacrifices you've made to protect your younger brother. I would love to give you practical advice, but I would need more details about your situation.

 

I'm sorry, I just wish i wouldn't have said anything and left. I wish I would've just stood there and taken it cause at least then I would of had somewhere to go, my room.

 

Oh, and the name of your thread shouldn't be what's wrong with me, it should be what's wrong with him, as in your father.

 

But he is a good guy. I know that sounds pathetic, but he really is. He is really nice when it comes to others it's just when it comes to us he has a short fuse. But to others he is really nice....like once he saw a kid standing near a busy road that looked lost and went over and talked to the boy and waited with him till his mother came just to make sure nothing happened to him. So he's really not a bad guy as long as you don't live with him!

[TheRedQueen]

This is such a sensitive subject for me to deal with, I feel very sad about it and I wish there was some way I could help.

[friscodj]

The worst? The worst he's done would be to my brother, he poured boiling water on his chest, caused it to bubble up.

 

Oh honey, this is serious business...serious business...

 

How is your financial situation? Do you have any money saved? A decent job? Where's your mom? Is she involved here at all?

 

You've got to start taking steps out of this situation...

 

But for now, you have no other choice but to go back there. What else are you going to do? I'd probably make your entrance in the middle of the night, hopefully your dad will have cooled down by then and be asleep? Maybe stay with your friend another day?

 

From there, you should probably detach, embrace indifference, let the angry words pass you by. If things get physically violent though, you need to get out of there. Maybe this friend of yours could help you out more?

[brando]

Their is nothing wrong with you. You did what you felt was best in this situation. It took a great deal of courage for you to defend your brother like that and walk away from the situation.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like a healthy envirionment to be living in. Does your family members know of your fathers temper and abuseive behavoir???

[GoneAgain]

Oh honey, this is serious business...serious business...

 

How is your financial situation? Do you have any money saved? A decent job? Where's your mom? Is she involved here at all?

 

You've got to start taking steps out of this situation...

 

But for now, you have no other choice but to go back there. What else are you going to do? I'd probably make your entrance in the middle of the night, hopefully your dad will have cooled down by then and be asleep? Maybe stay with your friend another day?

 

From there, you should probably detach, embrace indifference, let the angry words pass you by. If things get physically violent though, you need to get out of there. Maybe this friend of yours could help you out more?

 

I don't have a job and I have a bit of money, but not much at all. My mother is there, she lives with us. She just stays out of it I guess. They fight with each other as well, but usually just screaming matches.

 

I don't know, I mean I know it's not good, but is it really that bad? I mean obviously I know it's not good or else I probably wouldn't of said anything, but I never thought of it as that bad either. IDK.

 

My friend's letting us crash here for tonight, but I doubt he'll let us stay for much longer then that. I'll try and go back and stay out of the way (try) but I know he'll take it out on my brother. He knows he won't fight back.

[TheRedQueen]

 

 

But he is a good guy. I know that sounds pathetic, but he really is. He is really nice when it comes to others it's just when it comes to us he has a short fuse. But to others he is really nice....like once he saw a kid standing near a busy road that looked lost and went over and talked to the boy and waited with him till his mother came just to make sure nothing happened to him. So he's really not a bad guy as long as you don't live with him!

My father was incredibly nice, caring and generous to certain women and their children (from other men), as in he would find them a place to live and pay for the rent and all of their expenses.

 

So to them my father probably seemed like J.C. himself. But the way he treated my mother, my sister and me, there was no seeming to be seemed, we got to see the real ugly person that he was just lurking beneath the surface.

[GoneAgain]

Their is nothing wrong with you. You did what you felt was best in this situation. It took a great deal of courage for you to defend your brother like that and walk away from the situation.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like a healthy envirionment to be living in. Does your family members know of your fathers temper and abuseive behavoir???

 

If it was so right and brave why do I feel so stupid?

 

I already said but I don't think he's abusive, I mean he has a temper, but I don't think it's abuse. Or maybe I just don't want to think it's abuse.

 

I don't know if they do or not. I don't talk to them very much anymore.

[brando]

Maybe it isnt stupid your feeling, but uncomfortable for standing up to him which you may have never done before.

 

 

Flipping a coffee table, and pouring boiling water on your brother are clear signs of abuse.

 

Talk to your mom, if she minimizes his actions (your fathers) then it is a clear sign he is abusive and your mother may not know how to handle it.

 

It is his temper which is concerning and his past actions. Why did your olser sister run away???

[friscodj]

If it was so right and brave why do I feel so stupid?

 

I already said but I don't think he's abusive, I mean he has a temper, but I don't think it's abuse. Or maybe I just don't want to think it's abuse.

 

I don't know if they do or not. I don't talk to them very much anymore.

 

You probably feel that way because you grew up being controlled and put down like this. You also probably feel like you are "biting the hand that feeds you" because you are dependent on your dad to provide for you and your brother but you seemingly pissed him off. Trust me, your feelings are OK and normal...not true (you aren't stupid) but OK...

 

And if someone gets boiling water poured on their chest, it is very much so abuse...even the rage is abusive in and of itself...

 

What and where is your motivation here? Are you trying to make some distance with this or are you just going to keep letting this happen? Let's start there...

 

You're not going to change your dad, your best option here is getting you and your brother into a place of your own to live, with family, or good friends. At least start working to put a plan together to make that happen...

 

I know this probably seems like a monumental task and that you are walking into unfamilair territory, but that unfamiliar territory has to be better than the territory you are in now.

[TheRedQueen]

You should work hard to get out of this situation, but what about your younger brother? I am the youngest in my family and when both my sisters left, my father layed it on me pretty thick *shudders from memories* Is there anyway your plans of escape can include rescuing your brother?

[GoneAgain]

Flipping a coffee table, and pouring boiling water on your brother are clear signs of abuse.

 

Talk to your mom, if she minimizes his actions (your fathers) then it is a clear sign he is abusive and your mother may not know how to handle it.

 

It is his temper which is concerning and his past actions. Why did your olser sister run away???

 

Um, I'm sure it had to do with my father. Before she left she was the one who really got the worst of his anger, I think that's cause she's not his, she is actually my half sister, but my father raised hersince she was reallly young. I was like my brother, I didn't fight back, but she did. She faught/argued him and of course she got worse. I just remember them argueing a lot really bad and him saying something and her saying he wasn't her father and then just not good and in the end she left and didn't come back.

 

I don't know if I can talk to my mother. If I tell her anything she just starts crying, blaming herself. Then I feel bad for bringing it up.

[TheRedQueen]

I agree with this entirely.

Now read Brando's signature and you'll be set in the right direction.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

hi Gone...

you have described my childhood with my father. Perfectly. I too would s tand up for myself and things only g ot worse w hen i d id.

 

That never stopped m e.

 

YOur father i s DEAD WRONG. NOTHING and i mean NOTHING you did deserved yelling, abusive talk and behavior.

 

I am so angry FOR you right now.

 

What you live with is NOT normal ....and don't blame yourself....- if anything do not spend your life blaming yourself.

 

Just don't...it just makes for a lot of wasted time.

[brando]

One thing i learned about abusive people, is that in public they appear to others to be saint like, but behind closed doors that mask comes off and the real Hyde appears.

 

Please do not blame yourself. It isn't your fault or your brothers. Your father seems to have a problem he needs professional help with, do not minimize what he has done. I understand it is difficult, and it doesn't mean he is a terrible person, he just has some anger to be resolved, but i will not get into that here tonight.

 

Talk to someone, maybe a counselor at school, your mom, someone you trust as a friend, but preferrably an adult. What about your sister, can you get in touch with her???

[tretneo]

Goneagain,

 

As a kid.... and I don't mean that as an insult... but at 18 you are still very young.... when people we love, especially family members act that way we tend to look at ourselves to place the blame.... It is very natural that you feel the way you do...

 

But look at the situation... You father as you say has a short temper with you and your brother... There is no excuse for verbal abuse, Period... He has issues with anger and that is not your fault, your brothers fault, or your mothers fault... I imagine your mother feels as helpless as you do in this if he does it to her as well...

 

You are very brave and did the right thing by getting out of the situation as best you could... Verbal abuse can be as traumatic as physical abuse but it leaves different scars... deep ones. I think your father needs some serious help with how he approaches things. If he isn't willing to do that then maybe you need to sit down and have a serious talk with other family members and figure out a way to get away from that abuse. Your father can only be helped if he is willing to admit his problems and want to fix them..

 

Again it isn't your fault and it isn't your fault... there is no excuse for that kind of behavior...

 

Rob

[tretneo]

one more thing.... you show a very caring personality... with what you did for the community and what you did for your brother... You show selfless giving... that is rare and beautiful.... BE PROUD OF YOURSELF....

 

Rob

[GoneAgain]

I just want to have it stop. I don't want my brother to hear anymore of it. I want him to be happier. You're right though, I know I do I'm just not sure how. I guess first is to get money huh?. I don't have any really good friends, but my brother has one. I know they would put him up for a while I think.

 

 

 

Yeah, that's one of the reasons I want it to stop. He is a good brother. He's really nice. I think my brothers friend will let him stay there for a while.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

have you thought about contacting social services?

is there a teacher or counselor that you can confide in?

 

just because you are 18 doesn't mean your d ad can do this.....he is "technically" still responsible for you since y ou l ive under his roof

 

Perhaps the next time he goes i nto a rage you should call the police????

[GoneAgain]

have you thought about contacting social services?

is there a teacher or counselor that you can confide in?

 

just because you are 18 doesn't mean your d ad can do this.....he is "technically" still responsible for you since y ou l ive under his roof

 

Perhaps the next time he goes i nto a rage you should call the police????

 

But I thought since I'm 18 and legally an adult then it's more of something they don't deal with anymore? I mean like if it was with someone legally a child still they would have to deal with it, but 18 and over it's not something they deal with?

[GoneAgain]

One thing i learned about abusive people, is that in public they appear to others to be saint like, but behind closed doors that mask comes off and the real Hyde appears.

 

Please do not blame yourself. It isn't your fault or your brothers. Your father seems to have a problem he needs professional help with, do not minimize what he has done. I understand it is difficult, and it doesn't mean he is a terrible person, he just has some anger to be resolved, but i will not get into that here tonight.

 

Talk to someone, maybe a counselor at school, your mom, someone you trust as a friend, but preferrably an adult. What about your sister, can you get in touch with her???

 

Yea, that definetly sounds like my dad. He seems like a great guy in public but has a short fuse with us.

 

I don't know where my sister is so I can't get ahold of her. Umm, I'm think I'm going to try a little harder to get a job. At least I'll have money then.

 

Goneagain,

 

As a kid.... and I don't mean that as an insult... but at 18 you are still very young.... when people we love, especially family members act that way we tend to look at ourselves to place the blame.... It is very natural that you feel the way you do...

 

But look at the situation... You father as you say has a short temper with you and your brother... There is no excuse for verbal abuse, Period... He has issues with anger and that is not your fault, your brothers fault, or your mothers fault... I imagine your mother feels as helpless as you do in this if he does it to her as well...

 

You are very brave and did the right thing by getting out of the situation as best you could... Verbal abuse can be as traumatic as physical abuse but it leaves different scars... deep ones. I think your father needs some serious help with how he approaches things. If he isn't willing to do that then maybe you need to sit down and have a serious talk with other family members and figure out a way to get away from that abuse. Your father can only be helped if he is willing to admit his problems and want to fix them..

 

Again it isn't your fault and it isn't your fault... there is no excuse for that kind of behavior...

 

Rob

 

one more thing.... you show a very caring personality... with what you did for the community and what you did for your brother... You show selfless giving... that is rare and beautiful.... BE PROUD OF YOURSELF....

 

Rob

 

Thanks, that's another thing I struggle with, self-esteem. I guess I have been thinking if I just wait till he's older it will get better. I mean I've heard stories that people get along with their parents better and their parent' get better when they get older.