9 More Days of Limbo...

[Jayar]

So, my ex has 9 more days to decide whether he feels we're worth one more shot at. Ultimatum, maybe, but considering that we'd been together for over 2 years and planning an engagement/move-in/marriage prior to break-up, I don't think that having him decide whether he wants to work on things together or lose me forever is a decision that should take longer than it has. We've been split up now for about 2 and a half months.

 

Anyway, early this week I completely went out of my mind. The following is like a soap opera. You will read it saying "no don't do it!" and then sure enough, like the girl in the soap opera who never listens, I do worse.

 

Enjoy!

 

On Tuesday I panicked. I don't know what triggered it, but it had been a week of my ex's "thinking time" by then. I texted him asking for some reassurance (screw-up #1) and then texted once more (you know, just to make sure he got the first one... screw-up #2). When I didn't get a response, yep, you guessed it, I sent a text asking if he was out on a date and saying that I was probably the furthest thing from his mind (screw-up #3).... THEN, as if THAT wasn't enough, I called and left a voice message on his cell saying that I cannot handle this anymore and that we should just call it quits because I'm going out of my mind and I don't even think he's THINKING about us anyway. (screw-up #4... Anyone else still counting?)

 

He called back a nano-second later. I seriously hadn't even put down the phone. He sounded irritated (as is completely expected) and said "what is up with YOU tonight?!?!?!?!" The truth is, I expected that my behaviour that evening completely killed any chance with us anyway, so I just said "I'm sorry, you're right... I shouldn't have texted or called but I can't do this anymore. I think we should just call it quits. You're not even really thinking about us anyway are you?"

 

Keep in mind that I FULLY believed there was no chance for us, and even if there was that I had messed it up by my antics that evening. He surprised the crap out of me...

 

Him: "You said 7 days ago that I had until the end of this month to think about things, and I have been. What's changed?"

 

Me: "You haven't really been? Have you?"

 

Him: "Of COURSE I have!"

 

Me: "Well, anyway I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick to my stomach thinking you're with someone else and some girl crawling all over you and doing things only WE were supposed to be doing together..."

 

Him: "You are DAFT!"

 

Me: "I just can't handle it"

 

Him: "So do I not get the rest of the month to think about things as we had agreed?"

 

Me: "You actually still WANT the rest of the month? Did our relationship even mean that much to you?"

 

Him: "What do you think?!" (in that, are you seriously asking me that question kind of tone) "I want the time we agreed upon, to think about us and decide. Of course if you won't give that to me that is your call"

 

Me: "You can have the rest of the time I guess. I don't know what difference it will make... I don't figure how you will all of a sudden be in love with me again in 2 weeks"

 

Him: "I never said I wasn't in love with you. I just wasn't happy with the way our relationship was, and I still don't know why"

 

Me: "And you will know in two weeks?!" (A little irritated myself now)

 

Him: "I don't know..."

 

Me: "It's not like the love fairy is going to smack you in the head with her wand and make you love me again!"

 

Him: "See you're not even listening to me! I never said I didn't love you"

 

Me: "Well then why aren't we together? What is going to change in the next 2 weeks? Do we honestly have a chance?"

 

Him: "I don't know.." (said in a weird "maybe" kind of way)

 

Me: "Well as I said you can have the time we agreed on"

 

Him: "Okay... I better run now. Talk to you later!" (Sounded happier)

 

Me: "Bye."

 

 

The things that stood out about our conversation were that he even called me BACK after my behaviour, that he didn't want to end things immediately then and there, and that it was very late. He works early and I was surprised to hear from him so late rather than get a stupid "we'll talk about this tomorrow" message. I dunno, I got the feeling he was ACTUALLY worried about losing the rest of the time we had agreed upon.

 

He's the kind of guy that if he honestly didn't believe it could ever work and it thereforeeee wasn't worth me hoping for the next 2 weeks, he'd have told me. He wouldn't have left me hanging on, ruining the next two weeks and my birthday. He's just not LIKE that. So I was surprised to find he actually apparently WAS thinking about us. I didn't expect that.

 

Anyway, in 9 days the limbo ends... Either way.

[ILovePasta]

Ah, the 'same old story'

 

I feel your frustration as I am going through a very similar situation. In fact, after reading these boards for the past week, I've come to a generalization that all relationships trying to get back together have all the same things in common....even the outcomes.

 

We all want answers NOW, we all have mistrust (is he/she with another person, and is that why they can't make up their mind?), we all just want things to return to normal.

 

One thing that I've seen as fairly common is the 'mistrust', if that is the right word. Telling you one thing, but really thinking and/or doing another. It is quite an unpleasant feeling to have, and naturally we push and push for a truth. Yet, in the end we only seem to make things worse trying to do what we think is best.

 

Another thing is that we ALL think our significant other is 'different' from everyone else, but slowly Im starting to see that is misguided. People are people and behave very similarly in similar situations. Kind discourages me as well. We all think that small acts of affection are preludes to reconciliation, yet it seems time and time again, those are unfounded.

 

Im sure this is not true in all cases, but it does seem to be a general consensus on these forums.

 

My thinking is similar to yours though, in that....

 

If a person wanted to give things a second go, it shouldn't have to take a GREAT amount of time. Either you know you want to see if it can work, or you don't. Yes, there is a chance of getting hurt again, but what in life isn't a risk?

[Scout]

Don't beat yourself up, Jayar, your behavior wasn't THAT bad. (Is remembering with embarrassment my own "how to lose a guy in 27 calls" debacle that led me to eNotalone two years ago.)

 

Seriously, you had a moment of panic, but why not make the rest of the month as positive for yourself as possible? That will only generate good, happy karma. The more you stay in this negative, agonizing place, the less control you have over yourself and your happiness. At the end of the day, you may not have control over anyone else - in fact, you definitely don't - but you certainly have more power over yourself than you realize.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Relax and chill. If it is meant to be, it will be. Acting panicky will either drive the other person further away or will give them a swelled head and more of an excuse to continue sitting on the fence.

[DBL]

Your relationship is over. He is just stringing you along incase something doesn't workout for him. I'm a guy, I done the same thing. All our lines are basically the same. People usually don't leave a relationship because it is not working out. They usually leave because it is not working out and they have interests in someone else.

 

It isn't you fault though. You have a right to know where you stand. Your calls won't influence a decision that has already been made. If he needs this much time to think about a relationship then you need this relationship. As for you thinking you know him well enough to say "he's not like that", guess again. There been people in marriages longer then that who think they know their spouse, end up finding out they didn't know them as well as they thought they did.

 

Forget the two extra weeks, just move on.

 

DBL

[NJRon]

I can understand how antsy you are to be done with this waiting. However, in reading the exchange you posted, I get the impression that you *aren't* listening to him, as he mentioned.

 

He loves you.

He had problems with the relationship.

 

I imagine that this is somewhat indicative of your interactions. That's the relationship part. What have you been doing to change?

 

It seems like he does love you and is trying to make a very hard decision. Is the relationship worth the love? Love isn't always enough.

 

I am sure he is worried because he is probably 1, having a hard time figuring out how to fix the relationship and 2, wondering whether he can tell you what he actually thinks. Given your exchange, you seem like you are in a bit of a sensitive mood right now.

 

Instead of focusing on the "love"... try and figure out the "relationship"...

 

Just some things to think about. Good luck.