I spent the night with a married man...

[Batya33]

Maybe the thing to do is to seriously consider not drinking anymore or at the very least not having more than one drink particularly if you are in a vulnerable situation to begin with. The choice to drink is also part of the "choice." There is a great article in the October 2006 Oprah magazine on women and alcohol.

[Sad_now]

I'm glad to hear you are fully intending to move on! All the best and don't beat yourself up about it. It happened - just do what's best for yourself from this point on. Turn regret into wisdom. That's what I'm trying to do....

 

Stay strong!

 

PS At least you had alcohol to blame - I just had one coffee So don't beat yourself up about it too much. Hugs

[engagedkitty]

Yes, you are playing with fire.

 

My mother had an affair with a married man she met at work. It's destroyed the entire family. His children are probably emotionally damaged as well as his wife. His kids have threatened my mother and even me (I've got nothing to do with my mother for being a homewrecker) and the wife would call my mother's house incessantly. The wife's family would also stalk my mother.

 

Did she deserve that? Oh hell yes. It's wrong. What you did is wrong. You're looking for people to justify your actions and help lessen the guilt you feel. You want everyone to tell you that what you did was not wrong. It was. Think of the others you're destroying through your actions.

 

And if you've got kids- remember the stigma attached to the children whose parents commit wrongful acts. (Edit)

[Sad_now]

Hey, she is here because she feels regret and guilt. She's not asking us to validate her actions. Everyone slips up at some point - and if they have the courage to try to move beyond it, I think they deserve support rather than accusations and derisive ppppfffffftts. I know I have made horrible mistakes and if it wasn't for the support of my friends and others (also here on this site) I would have ended up a wreck. If she was happy with what she did and planning on wrecking people's lives, she would have been on the phone with this man, arranging to meet up. Instead she is here on this site, seeking help.

[Goldfish6888]

Hey, she is here because she feels regret and guilt. She's not asking us to validate her actions. Everyone slips up at some point - and if they have the courage to try to move beyond it, I think they deserve support rather than accusations and derisive ppppfffffftts. I know I have made horrible mistakes and if it wasn't for the support of my friends and others (also here on this site) I would have ended up a wreck. If she was happy with what she did and planning on wrecking people's lives, she would have been on the phone with this man, arranging to meet up. Instead she is here on this site, seeking help.

 

Thanks Sad_now. I didn't expect such a response to my post. I guess the whole headline "I spent a night with a married man" provoked a lot of responses in people. Maybe If I had not phrased it this way, people might have been less judgemental and heated. I'm happy to say that Mike has not contacted me and I can safely pack this experience away into a suitcase under the bed and hopefully learn from it.

 

I feel that some people have been harsh on me....when I've already been harsh on myself and also already judged myself on it. I do respect their opinions, but I've found myself a little depressed this week after reading some of the comments from some postings.

 

Its kind of like you know you've done wrong and I can't expect support from enotalone for that, but some postings have been tough to read. I have been judged, here and the jury has spoken "Guilty" - when I already knew this.

 

Thanks for your support Sad_now.

 

I mean, thanks to all for the advice and taking the time to respond to my thread, but some of it has been hard.

[Batya33]

I believe you phrased it that way for a reason - you wanted to get attention, just like you chose to get drunk so that you could get the attention you needed from this man and then blame it on the alcohol. See these as signs and realize that you are at risk for this type of behavior recurring if you don't treat the root of the problem.

[Sad_now]

I just think the role of alcohol is being over-played in this situation. Batya, I agree that if people have a problem with alcohol, they should stay away from it. However, I am teetotal, yet am possibly in a worse situation than Goldfish where I have wasted 2 years with a retard. I take full responsibility for it - and I am sure there are many weaknesses in my personality/personal situation that have made me vulnerable to such predators.

 

Bottom line is - it wasn't that she 'chose' to get drunk in order to have her wicked way with this innocent man. Obviously she is a vulnerable lady, possibly not in the best of situations, which is always, always the first thing predators pick up on (as I know from experience). I didn't choose to get drunk - I don't drink - yet I have made appalling mistakes and I am still trying to process it all and move forward, hopefully emerging a stronger person.

 

I just think you cannot give enough support when you are at this point. To to be told 'well, you wanted attention so you chose to get drunk and sleep with this man - so just stay away from alcohol' is really oversimplying things ALOT...

[Batya33]

If you read her posts she focuses on absolving responsibility because she was drunk. I can safely imply from that that in this case she chose to keep drinking knowing that alcohol impairs her judgment and knowing she was in a situation where she was vulnerable to a married man.

 

I would think the focus of any support should go to supporting her in her decision (hopefully!) to stay out of contact with this man and to stay away from excessive drinking given the outcome -- and to support her in developing her friendships and interests so that she is not so lonely next time and vulnerable to this sort of temptation.

 

 

I don't see where handholding and "oh, don't worry, everyone makes mistakes" is justified here. If his wife finds out -- or gets an STD from her husband because of this encounter (and that is not to assume she has one - any one of us can have one and spouses are entitled to presume they won't get one from extramarital contact) -- it won't be able to be dismissed as "everyone makes mistakes" -it's a mistake that can go a long way towards destroying a marriage. This is particularly the case since she said that she wouldn't put up with cheating in her own relationships, so she knows how this could feel to the wife.

[gattsuga]

Please stay away. Don't destroy their marriage and mess up their kids. Divorce is really traumatic for children, and they definitely don't deserve that. What would they think of their father if they found out he was cheating? That would mess them up!

[wrightgirl]

Have you even read the other messages on this thread?? If you did you would see how hurtful having a relationship with a married person can be.

[Goldfish6888]

Well, there has been no contact with me and the fireman.

 

So thats all good.

 

I have been abstaining from alcohol since the event - not becuase of what happened - just for health reasons.

 

But let it be noted - this was the FIRST time I ever, ever did anything like this - even with alchohol. I have never been and am NOT in the habit of picking up married men. I had broken up with my b/f of a year and a half and I was abroad on my own on a holiday to forget and I felt really vulnerable. I am not making excuses for my behaviour at all. But that is the background to what was a mistake.

 

But please know everyone I'm not in the habit of a) getting drunk b) fooling around with married men c) losing my judgement.

 

It was a once off and I'd like to think it will remain that way for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks everyone for your postings. Goldfish xoxo. (Still lonely), but rest assured I'm not going to jump into a bed with married man AGAIN just so I don't feel lonely.

[ImThatGirl]

Aaawww Goldfish - I feel so bad for you! Remember we are here if you need to talk!

 

No judgement passed!

[Shadows Light]

Awwww Goldfish....

 

Stuff happens. We live and learn.. thats what we're here for. We all mess up. Its a human trait. And its cool. Just pull yourself up, pull your boostraps up, learn from your mistakes and continue on the journey.

[Beec]

So, you made a mistake. You see it, you know it, and you don't wan tto repeat it. Which one of us has not made a mistake? The good things are seeing it and not wanting to repeat it.

 

Now think about doing something to cure one of the causes. Do something to work towards not bieng so lonely. That won't be easy or a fast solution, but it will be worth it, if it works.

[ender1]

What a scumbag. Would you like your husband to do that to you? Think of the wife as a woman who you just witnessed a profound betrayal of. Wake up. This guy is a grade-a loser, and you've lowered yourself.

[OceanEyes]

LOL ... I'm sure that you expected a bit of scrutiny here huh Goldfish?

 

I'm not going to bother telling you how wrong this all is, because chances are VERY good that you already know that. Otherwise, why would you find yourself here asking for advice? So, let's just say that you already know all of this and try to look at this from a different perspective.

 

You've had a few great times, and obviously feel some kind of connection with this guy. BUT - what do YOU really expect to get out of this? Are you prepared to trust him or what he says? You do know that he goes back to his wife, lies to her, and sleeps with her as well? It's almost impressive how a disgusting guy like this can get away with treating people the way he does.

 

This man sounds like a bit of a sociopath (a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience). The point I'm trying to make, is that he doesn't really seem to care about the people who love HIM. His interests are 100% completely and totally selfish. A person with even an average conscience will think twice about doing something like this. This guy didn't even seem to think once about it. That, right there, should tell you enough about him and his "character" to cut him off right then and there.

 

Now, the only reason that I can see YOU tolerating this, is if you are also somewhat of a sociopath. I'm not saying that you are, obviously because I don't know you. You have to understand, that there are other people in the world that will be directly affected by YOUR choices; his wife and kids will feel this much more than you ever will. I think that your ability to continue a relationship with this man says something about your character as well, but it's not too late to 'wake up' and realize that nothing good can come of this.

 

I apologize if any of this sounded harsh, but I believe that willingly engaging in sex and clandestine behaviour with a man who was married less than a month ago speaks volumes about him AND you. You have much less responsibility than he does, but be humane and realistic. You can find deep, meaninful, intense sexual connections with MANY men in this world.

[Sad_now]

A bit harsh to suggest that someone may be a 'sociopath' based on this story...

 

if that's true, I'm afraid there are WAAAAY more sociopaths on this planet than we think.

 

Similar mistakes are made by the best of us. Sociopaths keep doing it and in fact in worse and worse ways every time, the rest hurt for a while and learn and move on.

 

Goldfish, given what happened, you are doing the best you can by not contacting him and yet not bottling in your feelings and talking about them honestly. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise...

[Goldfish6888]

Thanks Sad-Now. I've really just put it behind me now. I guess I'm kind of desperate and searching for the one. My loneliness is palpable sometimes.

 

I am soooo tired of being hurt.

[s_finch]

Yep, definitely some of the posters have been way too harsh on you. I wonder sometimes if they read all the posts of if they just read the first one and jump in with a reply Anyway, don't beat yourself up. You made a mistake, most of us do it seems. I applaud your willingness to admit your mistake and your honesty about the whole thing. You obviously are not a homewrecker and have no desire to be. Good for you. None of us are perfect, forgive yourself and move on. Do something nice for yourself, like a day at the spa or dinner at your favorite restaurant.

[s_finch]

Having an affair is not socipathic behavior and the guy wasn't recently married. Read her post again. He has 3 young kids, those don't happen in a month.

[Goldfish6888]

I don't think half of the posters here also realised it was ONE NIGHT and one NIGHT Only. We did not follow on with any kind of a relationship. I did not give him my contact details - he said he would find them out. But he never did. We NEVER contacted each other AGAIN.

 

This happened over a month ago now. I still feel bad, as I've NEVER ever done that before. (not that I know of as you trust people when they tell you they are single).

 

Thanks again to everyone who posted, but it is hard to read some of the posts.

[Goldfish6888]

I just want people to know I am lonely. When I'm out, I'm the social butterfly - but inwardly I'm sad and alone. Thanks to everyone. XO

[s_finch]

I just want people to know I am lonely. When I'm out, I'm the social butterfly - but inwardly I'm sad and alone. Thanks to everyone. XO

 

 

I totally understand. Same here. Don't let these judgemental posters get to you, apparently they've never made a mistake but love to jump on those who they think have. One day they will realize that they too are human.

[Goldfish6888]

I was just trying to be honest and I guess it opened a can of worms for a lot of people. I just want to stress again that I'm not the kind of girl that a)sleeps around b) sleeps around with married men c) likes to get involved with married men. I am a solid christian girl with strong values. I do unto others as much as I can.....and I have a strong sense of conscience on all I do. Which is why I felt the need to post this originally.

[Spugly Fuglet]

the hard truth is

 

Shame on him for disrepecting his wife,

 

and you know what you are doing, there is right and wrong here and its clear what they are, what you do next is all that counts now.

 

So what will it be, more shame or the clear path