Need Advice! I have feelings for a close friend.

[Anthony P]

For the past few months now I have had feelings for my friend who is a boy. He is a close friend and one of my closest, however, at first I thought it was just some ordinary crush I could get over in a week or two. But since I have had this crush on him it has just developed and developed. I am still in school and in my last year. I am young I know but sometimes you just know whether or not you are gay/bi. It may all just be a phase that might blow over in due time, but for now I will live my life how I want. Back to my story. It has been some time since the crush started and I think I may have fallen in love... with a straight guy. I try and get over him but each day makes it harder and harder. I even have some of the symptoms of being in love like the old "I just can't get you out of my head" routine. So eventually the summers holidays arrived and I thought with not seeing him for six weeks I would perhaps get over him. The reason I wouldn't see him for so long is because I live too far away for us to meet and I never go out much anyway. So with not seeing him five days a week might actually help, but it didn't. I thought about him constantly even when I tried to occupy my mind with something else. I continually started to miss him. So when I arrived back at school I was, naturally, happy to see him. But since we have come back he has been really touchy-touchy feely-feely with me. He can be like that normally with other people but I have only seen him do it to me so far. He would do something and then apologise by stroking my hand and saying "Sorry baby" or stroke my face. I dont know if he is gay, he says he isn't. It is just I don't want to pick up wrong signals and ruin my friendship. Today he was clingy. He told me to get a PC game but I refused so he put his arms around me and rested his face really close to my own face and neck. I dont know whether he is actually gay and should I try acting upon it or realise he isn't and that he is just a touchy person and that I should move on. Back to the aforementioned of getting over him. Try as I might, but each day makes it harder. I even get jealous when people hug or touch him in rude joke way. So the advice I seek is:

 

1. How do I move on if he isn't gay?

2. How do I know he is gay?

3. How do I know what his feelings for me are?

[Rizby]

I think we are both in a very similar predicament.

 

Incorrigably, irreversibly in love with an inaccessible individual - a straight guy. My experiences to date mirrors yours with dramatic similarity. Likewise, my friend is touchy and doesn't mind me flirting and touching him either. But his straightness is clearly established and he has a current girlfriend whom he loves.

 

In your case, because of your comparative youthfulness, your friend might very well be confused and has not realized his sexualt orientation. It's advisable that he not be cajoled into coming out prematurely, but to search and solidify his own sexual identity. He may be in fact straight but is uncertain and hence is on a subconscious level being experimental and explorative.

 

I know, my friend is the first person I think about in the morning when I wake up, and my last sleepy thoughts at night are always of him. It's a tragic situation, but you have to deal with this issue in your own way. No gay guy should ever have to grapple with this kind of dilemma - to be in love with a straight guy.

[Decado]

Your's is the story of my life.

 

I, too, fell in love with my (best) friend. I am now, also, in my last year of school but i fell in love about 6 years ago and i am, now, getting over it, slowly.

 

That period of unsurity of whether he likes you back or not was one of the best and worst times of my life. The uncertainty, the anguish, the feeling of love and happiness that thoughts of him bring you. Every feeling you've ever felt mixed into one.

 

I dont know if this is what you feel but my advice (however useless it maybe) is to be careful. I remember being so frustrated and angry for years and i just wanna say that it's not healthy to dwell on stuff like this too long. You shouldn't revolve your entire world around this guy until you know that something's there.

 

I know this is a kind of downer post, sorry. But on the bright side, it sounds as if there is something there unless you're exhagerating. Dont take my word for it coz a person in love can see meaning in a brush on the arm. if you know what i mean.

 

How good is your friendship? Do you think that your friendship is worth putting on the line for love.

 

I know this may sound like bad advice but i found out a lot about my friends when we're all drunk. A lot of talk comes out. im not saying for you to get your friend drunk, just to look for an opprtunity to ask him questions.

I also find that when people are drunk they have an excuse for anything they may say. 'i love you' is not uncommon for any drunk to say. I would see how he reacts if the opportunity arises.

 

I know a lot of what i said is garbled and probably wrong. I just hope this has helped a little bit. Even if you wish to disregard all of this post completely, at least you will know what you dont want to do.

 

soz i get a bit self conscious when it comes to advice.

 

good luck

decado

[Anthony P]

Thanks Decado I can see where you are coming from with "be careful" part. I will try not to get depressed even more than I already am but thanks. Getting him drunk? Hmm... not a bad idea *wink wink* Haha! I admit, people do say things when they're drunk and things do tend to "slip" out. However, what do you mean by "You should revolve your entire world around this guy until you know that something's there. ?

 

I also would like to thank Rizby for replying. I appreciate both of you for your advice. The part where you said "He may not be sure" gave a positive reaction, however I will have to be sure before I do anything.

 

Kind regards, Anthony

[Decado]

sorry. i meant to say "you shouldn't revolve your world around this guy" coz there is much more to life.

[Anthony P]

I will try not to. Again, thanks for the advice

[soulsurvivor]

I'll tell you a story. I've been through this 'in love with a straight close friend' so many times that my friends find it comical. Almost 12 years of it, and I finally learned how to end all the pain and nonsense.

 

The thing is no matter how much we try to deny it or pretend it's not true or hope and look for signs, your friend doesn't think of you sexually. He might think of you affectionately, but not sexually.

 

Which means, your completely and utterly wasting your time thinking of him sexually. It's just... wasted energy, because nothing can come of it. If he's not going to think of you sexually, then why in the world would you think of him that way? You have to just turn it off. Every time you see it, when the antennae go up, starting the pain and the cycle, turn it off. See him as you would a married man - unavailable, thereforeeee not worth thinking about.

 

Do it enough times, and you'll completely forget you were ever interested in him and you'll just see the cool friend you had before stuff got messy.

 

Just remember -- if someone doesn't see you sexually, don't messy things up by seeing them sexually. Mirror exactly what they're seeing and you'll find freedom.

[pianoguy]

Hi Anthony,

 

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. In fact there might be some of my old angsty posts from that time lying around here somewhere. To summarize: I ended up falling for a college housemate who didn't even give me a ray of hope that he might be gay. There was absolutely no reason to suppose he might be gay, I didn't even make excuses to myself or find ways for him to be gay, but I still loved him anyways. I tried several times to move on but I found it impossible, I tried everything I could think of, and just wasn't able to move on.

 

In retrospect I realize I wasted a ton of time on this guy (we'll call him John) but at the time I simply wasn't able to divert my feelings. I came to the conclusion that there were only 3 ways to do this: 1) separate yourself physically (i.e., move to a new town) 2) start hating him or 3) get a boyfriend and focus on that. I eventually got over this guy after he went to Pakistan, in the two years that he was there I got a boyfriend off the internet. I haven't seen him in close to 3 years now and I'll be seeing him in December with my boyfriend, we'll see how that goes (I suspect it won't be any problem).

 

In your case it sounds like there is a ray of hope, that he might possibly be gay, so you need to go about finding out if he is or not. Here's a couple of things to try:

 

1) See how he feels politically about gay marriage and stuff

2) Does he talk much about girls? Does he express alot of interest without being prodded?

3) If you're feeling really brave you can come out to him. I ended up doing this with another guy that I liked and it effectively convinced me that he was straight, but we stayed friends.

 

I hope this helps a little...

[Anthony P]

Thank you for the help. I shall try the suggestions. I appreciate anymore advice if anyone feels like posting. I will try Soulsurvivors plan as a last resort if Painoguys don't work, but I did tell him at one point that I liked and it went... well... like Craig and Anthony in Big Brother? He doesn't really talk about girls unless provoked so that might be a hint. I don't think he minds about gay marriage, however certain circumstances have led me to believe he has no interest in me the way I do to him as he is currently trying to set me up with a lad he knows and has got many people in on the idea. Oh well. I shall do Soulsurvivors plan and try getting a boyfriend

[Decado]

hey, just wandering if there is anything new going on? how has your story continued?