Need Advice. Doubts in Marriage and Unhappiness/Confusion

[PJ]

Hello everyone. I am going to try to explain this as best I can.

 

I met my wife when I was a freshman in high school..at first she pretty much thought I was a dork (being one of the most popular girls in her school and church) and so I did not pursue her..I instead ended up dating another girl for almost 4 years (off and on). During that relationship somewhere in the middle she broke up with me. I was really heartbroken but I moved on..somewhere thereafter the first girl I mentioned started seeing interest in me...(I guess I wasn't a dork anymore? hehe)..and we hooked up...we dated for a week but I had so much emotions left over from the previous girlfriend that I felt I may be settling..or I wasn't really sure..so I broke up with her.

 

Anyways..we ended up together again for several years and ended up getting married. I was in love with her and things were great. We have been married 4 years now..and recently we had a child who is now 10 months old.

 

Now here is where the problems come into play..one of them is that I wasn't quite ready for children..but she begged and begged and I gave in..and I think I have built resentment to her for that.. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter so much but sometimes I fell I shouldn't going through fatherhood yet..it wasn't time.

 

Also throughout the past year or so (since before the pregnancy) I started having doubts. We fought a lot and frequently..over stupid things and sometimes over valid things. We found that we had..or at least I found..that we had several opposite and things not in common...some of them which bothered me. Also I think that maybe she is very mature..but that possibly I am not mature enough..and not ready to change that yet (rushed marriage in other words).

 

I find myself wishing to be alone more often than not..and when I think about her cheating on me or leaving me..I actually am happy about that..which is weird. I have fought with myself in my head on what is wrong and I can't figure it out.. I have met other women but nothing serious just talked to them and I have found that certain qualities my wifes lack that other women have just really makes me happy..and it makes me think what I am missing..and makes me wonder if I went wrong.

 

Today at work my wife asked me if something was wrong, she said I have been acting strange and that she didnt think I liked her anymore..I said yes I like you..and she asked if I was leaving her..and I said no..then she asked if I had an affair..and I said no. Now I didn't lie. I do like her, I still love her..just not like it was..something feels wrong. And no I am not leaving her..or at least not that I know of yet. And about an affair..no I have never been or even dated another woman so I was honest there.

 

Twice more during the day she brought it up and I just told her I didnt feel well..I wantto sit and talk to her but I am so afraid to hurt her. I think I want to separate and be friends..because I know we would be stronger as friends than how we are now.. What scares me is that I dont think she feels this way. I think she loves me the same as she always did and I am so scared to hurt her but I dont want to pretend to be happy and end up causing both of us more pain in the end..I dont know what to do...or why I am feeling this way..I have fought and fought with myself over it and can't figure it out.

 

I just know the most disturbing things are that I have more happiness when I talk to some of my other female friends than I do with my wife..making me think I might be missing something or have gotten married to soon...and the fact that when I think about her leaving I actually am glad...which can't be good.

 

Ugh..okay that was a long post I hope I made sense...I am so frustrated I have been rambling on and on to friends and have gotten advice all around..any help would be appreciated..sorry for the big huge one paragraph post I didn't know I would post that much. I am 25 by the way..and a concern I forgot to mention is my daughter. I don't think staying together for her is the right thing to do..if it brings her up in an unhappy home..anyways..any advice please. Thanks..

[segagirl]

Hi Pj,

 

I gave you some paragraphs..

Thanks for coming to us here a eNotalone. I understand you don't feel like you are connecting with your wife right now.

 

I think the few things I say here are based on the fact these are all things you have thought about....but have not talked to her about yet.

 

First, you need to talk to her. I have this "thing"....its....don't ever take away someones right to know, don't take away thier choices. esp. a partner. She has the right to know...I mean maybe she has no desire to be with someone who feels this way. Either way she should know. So first gather your thoughts, and sit down for the hard talk.

 

I can understand the way you feel, its quite common. A little selfish....but Im sure quite confusing at the same time. Of course you enjoy talking to other women, but can you honestly say you take the time to have meaningful conversation with your wife? Do you do fun things together? Do you work hard to keep the romance fresh, Do you treat her well? You cannot say something is not there if you have not tried to keep it there.

 

.....mature or not trying everything is a part of the committment you made, seek counseling for the two of you...it will help this obvious lack of communication.

[CrashNBurn]

PJ,

 

I feel so sad for you both, your wife seems to love you so much and for some reason you seem to have doubts in your relationship, I can't imagine that having a few things not in common would trigger this. Trust me NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT! it's about love and respect. It's about working through life together, sharing thoughts and feelings, not judging the other persons flaws, but accepting that person for whom they are, I mean after all she can't be that bad, you did fall in love with her for a reason, right? Also I was wondering are you getting more attention from other girls then your used to? now that you are not a dork any more? You know the old saying The Grass is Always Greener on the other side of the fence. Your wife seems to be so in tune with you, the fact that she sense there is something wrong shows how much she really knows you and loves you. I am going to be honest she is probably feeling really bad already, so that excuse on not wanting to hurt her, well your doing it already, your not sharing with her your conversations, instead you are turning to other girls and sharing with them. I mean you didn't really say that your wife avoids your conversations, or that she is mean to you and ignores you, so I am assuming she would be happy to sit and want to have long conversations and share thoughts with you. You know I want to go on about why, your decision to leave isn't such a good one especially when there is a child involved, but I get the feeling your mind might be made up already? is it?? and also I wouldn't want you to be totally miserable, that would be a bad thing for all of you. But really I don't think you realize what you have at home. A wife who is deeply in love with you and a beautiful child. I mean I get the feeling maybe you aren't telling us what really is the problem here, Your wife is not MEAN, are you just not attracted to her any more? what is she LACKING? that other women have? I am not trying to rag on you I just would like to know, why so many people these days, can so easily dispose of their marriage. I mean the divorce rate is so high, it's like people get married and divorced with the seasons. What is that all about? I think we might have a little to many choices to choose from these days in women and men, and people just can't seem to make up their minds what they want. Sure these girls you talk to might have certain qualities that you want right now, but chances are they also have qualities you don't like, and what happens when you find you need another quality you are looking for in a women, are you going to end that relationship as well?

Or is the fact that you think your immature the real issue at hand? and what exactly do you mean by that? Is marriage and having the responsibilities of a family just too much for you? Is that what you mean? Did you tell your wife that you where not ready to be mature? or did you mention that you where not happy with the things you didn't have in common with her? I don't know your wife, but maybe she would be willing to meet you half way! if she loves you as much as you think she does, I am sure she would be willing to work these things through, please don't be so quick to dump the marriage down the toilet. At least sit and talk and try and work it through, I hope you can work through this. Please keep us posted as to the outcome.

 

 

[melrich]

PJ,

Everyone wants to see a marriage work, your family, friends, acquaintances and even the people you get advice from here. That is the way we are all conditioned. And you have a daughter that you love and would ideally be brought up by her mother and father. However as we all know it does not always work out that way, everyone has doubts at some time or another. No one here can tell you what your decision should be but we can help you with some thoughts about making the decision. The first thing I would say is acknowledge then question the doubts you are having. Are they real or are they a reaction to the sudden responsibility of being a father, which is scary to anyone. Once you have recociled your thoughts, speak to your wife. It may be a hard conversation and I am sure she will be upset but you may also be surprised at what she has to say. In any event don't keep it to yourself, in the longer term this will only make the situation get worse, not to mention that it is unfair on your partner, as Segagirl says, she has a right to know. You also sound like the last thing you want to do is hurt her. Unfortunately sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Whilst I hope you two can work it out, don't be afraid if you can't. You are doing no one any good, least of all your wife and daughter, by putting on a brave face and remaining in a relationship you are unhappy with. To be honest what you have described in your post sounds to me like not much more than the normal insecurities and doubts everyone feels in a relationship, magnified by the emotional event of becoming a father. But if when you really question your feelings you feel in your heart that the relationship is not right then it is best for all concerned to talk it out and get things resolved one way or the other. If done properly, and at your young age, there is no reason why you can't have a great relationship with your ex-wife and of course your daughter for the rest of your life. Don't be a martyr, things will only get worse if you take that road. Talk to your wife, don't be afraid to make it work, don't be afraid to separate. Either course is equally valid if you have devoted enough time your decision and discussed it openly with your partner.

[PJ]

Morning everyone. Going to try to address/answer some of the questions you guys have asked.

 

Richgabe:

"Are they real (the doubts) or are they a reaction to the sudden responsibiliity of being a father.."

 

I have had the same feelings since before being a father. And don't misunderstand, I love being a father..it's just that I wasn't quite ready and yes it does involve a lot of responsibility...But I handle it well.

 

 

Crashnburn:

 

" I can't imagine that having a few things not in common would trigger this. Trust me NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT!"

 

I agree. There is more to it than that, it's everything together I guess. It's very hard for me to explain because I don't quite understand it myself. Perhaps I am just not attracted to her as I was was and I pick it apart to find reasons..I really don't know. That's why I came here..heh..

 

"Also I was wondering are you getting more attention from other girls then your used to? now that you are not a dork any more? "

 

No this is not an issue. After I was not a dork anymore I dated her for about 3 years..other girls were never an issue..in fact noone hits on me because I never go out..going out is not my thing..

 

"Sure these girls you talk to might have certain qualities that you want right now, but chances are they also have qualities you don't like, and what happens when you find you need another quality you are looking for in a women, are you going to end that relationship as well? "

 

Perhaps I should clarify on that a little. I really havn't talked to like tons of girls..I have had a few friends online..just friends that I could talk to..and there is one in particular that I really clicked with..you know the way you click with someone when they have potential to fall in love with. Part of my problem is, with my wife I never really had that completel click. I think more so than not I just settled..and No I am not saying she wasn't good enough for me because she is an amazing women..probably too good for me. But I was ready (so I thought) to get married..and since my first True Love failed I felt I should take the one that was there..This new girl..I have not met..I met her by mistake (and I know this could cause a lot of crap..internet type relationships often stir up some debate) playing a game online, and we startedout innocently flirting as game characters..but clicked so well we ended up talking on the phone and sharing pictures and viewing webcams of each other etc..so anyways..that initially click that you feel..the one I always looked for..I had with her..and we have been talking etc and the more I find out about her the more we have in common (you know how this story goes).. Now I know part of the reason my doubts have gotten stronger lately are because of this woman..but it's not like I want to leave my wife just to persue this woman. She too is married..but her marriage is also lacking and she has similar "married too young" feelings..but she goes about it different. She is happy in her marriage and believes shes going through a phase that will pass. So If I was being selfish thinking I want to separate with my wife to be with this women.. I would be sadly mistaken because I can't be with this women...she just projects the doubts that were already there....if that makes sense.

 

"Or is the fact that you think your immature the real issue at hand? and what exactly do you mean by that? Is marriage and having the responsibilities of a family just too much for you? Is that what you mean? Did you tell your wife that you where not ready to be mature? "

 

I'm not real sure here. It kind of goes back to the too young to get married thing. I think I rushed marriage and picked the first person I could have in fear of being alone and you know how passionate a young person can be..so I thought it was right. But now I feel I am missing something..you know..youth only lasts for awhile..and its something noone should miss out...but perhaps I am just being selfish and immature there..hard to explain..

 

Segagirl:

 

"Or is the fact that you think your immature the real issue at hand? and what exactly do you mean by that? Is marriage and having the responsibilities of a family just too much for you? Is that what you mean? Did you tell your wife that you where not ready to be mature? "

 

Don't get me wrong, I want to. I know you don't know me but I am one of the most sensitive and emotional guys out there..which happens to be one of my downfalls..I do care about other peoples feelings..not just my own..or my wifes..but anyone..I don't like to see people hurting or in trouble. My point is I do want to talk to her..badly..but I am trying to get things straight in my mind first..make sure what I am feeling is even really there and not just something I'm going through..

 

I will just kinda repsond to the rest of your post without quotes. As for doing fun things together..that is one of our differences..she loves to go out and I hate going out..but that is one easily compromised..I taker her to dinner pretty often which is her favorite thing to do..we go shopping together..things like that..taking baby to the park..etc. As for keeping the romance fresh..there really hasnt been any romance...she has never really been much of a romancer or lover..and I have tried to create some sparks but she's just not into romance..or sex..our sex life is close to none. And that's another one of the issues..but not a big deal because sex isn't everything.

 

 

Thank you for the replies everyone hope this reply helps to clarify myself a little more. I have been so confused and it's just really hard. I want to do right and staymarried to my wife but at the same time I don't want to be unhappy in life and cause her to be unhappy and ruin my daughters life as well.. .I didn't really mention it before but I think I have fallen for the other woman that I clicked with..yet that would never happen because she is happily married so that is not the issue. She just helped to show me how unhappy I am..where I am. Maybe I am just being totally selfish..maybe I want to be with someone else who makes me feel the way this other woman can..where things just feel "right"..and my mind is set on finding something wrong with my marriage more than is really there? I don't really know..

 

The only conclusions I can come to is that I think I married too young..may have rushed it a bit and ended up not finding the things I truly wanted. I also am determined..although I could be wrong..that something must not be right if I am able to fall for someone else. If I was happy with my marriage and it was right..why would I fall forsomeone else or even put myself in a situation to fall for someone else? Small conclusions that still leave confusion and doubt in my mind...alright I am stopping now this is long enough..and my head hurts now...plus I am at work..have things to do..but with the emotion and stuff going on in my head I may not get anything done forquite some time...ugh.

[seng]

OK. I've thought about this all day and decided to go ahead and post it....

 

You sound like someone who can't handle commitment and responsibility. You got involved and before you knew it now you have a daughter AND wife.

 

Don't kid yourself, just because you love someone and commit to them, your emotions don't go on holiday. You went looking for something. You found someone that requires no commitment, no responsibility, and even better - she's married - so pretty darn safe. Doesn't require anything of you.

 

I'm guessing it really was about the time your wife was glowing in her pregnancy or after the baby was born and she was giving her lots of attention. I hate to be calloused but the things you are saying are so textbook. "Oh, it started long before that...how could I really be in love and fall in love with someone else, etc..." You are putting your current emotions backwards to help justify what you are thinking of doing - leaving.

 

Please don't pretend that you are worried about your wife or your daughter's happiness. All you care about right now is yourself. If you cared about them you would stop communicating with this other person and concentrate on putting life back into your relationship.

 

I know this sounds harsh but I've been there, done that (on both sides). Afterwards, I wished that someone would've hit me upside the head with a 2x4 instead of offering me solace in my stupidity. Thank God (or whatever you want) that my marriage survived and I lived to see everything for the truth and reality it was - the other person was a great distraction, my marriage was real.

 

(If you are still reading).... Grow up, wake up. You have a beautiful wife and a wonderful daughter. You have the opportunity to have a fantastic family and life - you just need to grab it and hang on. Responsibility and commitment can be one of the greatest adventures in life.

 

Best wishes......

[CAsummer2003]

I am feeling the same way you feel but I have no kids. I have been married for 5 years. (dated for 3 years) I got married too young at the age of 23. I am currently going to school and working full time. I do find myself very stressed. However, I am not happy in the marriage. I feel like being single and being alone. My wife has no friends so she needs me 24/7. I don't see my family in Mexico anymore because she is not a big fan going to Mexico with me. We have had hours and hours of discussion about going to Mexico. It usually ends up in her crying and getting no where. Since I got married 5 years ago, I have seen them twice. Maybe I should wait until I finish school and get a real job because things might get better. However, I feel nothing will really change. I have been very short and grumpy with my wife for couple months now. She has noticed but doesn't say anything. She only comments how SHE is not receiving cuddles anymore, how SHE is not gettig touches from me, how SHE doesn't get too many hugs anymore. I have been frustrated because its all about her. I still love her but not in the same way. I can't even talk to her about this because she loves me very much and I can't break her heart.

[getalife]

Well said Seng!

[marriageintroubleneedhelp]

It is clear what the problem is. You met someone online who sounds like someone you click with so you are thinking maybe this marriage is wrong. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE wake up. Don't you dare throw out a marriage because you are falling for someone online that is ridiculous and I can't even speak anymore on this.

 

There are a ton of marriages that die because of this. I would turn off the computer and stay away from chat rooms, Instant Messengers, and the game you found her in, and stop talking on the phone adn camming with her. You might not think so but that is an affair. Its an affair fo the heart. It might not be physical but the fact you would like it to be is enough to classify it as an affair.

 

That explains why you say you don't care if your wife cheats or if she wanted it over becuase it would lessen the guilt for you. You are selfish and need get a grip.

 

Turn off the computer and focus on your marriage. If your marriage is on the rocks you should not be out there trying to find something else to make you feel good. Look for it in your lovely wife who loves you very much. She is there for you. She is the one you married. She is the woman who had your child. She is the one for you. STop messing with more complications.

[marriageintroubleneedhelp]

CAsummer2003

 

 

I hear what your saying and it is all different. If your wife wants loves and hugs then give it to her. I don't understand why men feel like if they give their wife what they want it is some how giving up who they are. Women have lots of needs that are intimate and when your in a marriage you should be able to give that.

 

I am gonig through the same thing with my husband wanting more affection adn time with him and he feels like I am demanding. I hate that.

 

Also my husband hasn't gone back to see his family in about 2 years but he is going next month without me becuase I don't want to go. I think you should go to Mexico by yourself. You don't need her to go. You really can just go by yourself. Your family is important and don't blame your wife for not seeing them. You can go by yourself.

[poochiemama]

Though i am only 26, i subscribe to the old school assumption that it is better for the children to stay together even if you, the adult, are unhappy. I am in an awful marriage and we have pretty much decided to do what our parents did before and stick with it till our kids (7yr & 18mo) are grown. i believe that is the best, most stable life you can give the kids, even when it is far from perfect. try your best not to argue in front of them, as it is very upsetting as they get older and find your own hobbies. seems not too many people agree with me anymore.

who knows, some day, though the passion is long gone, you may even come to really appreciate eachother's comfortable presense. (we can hope)

[chicagogirl8000]

PJ-

When I read your posting all I could think was "this sounds just like me." Everything about your situation sounds just like the point I'm at in my life. I have been married 3 years and have a 9 month old son. I feel so trapped and unhappy and have found that I am at my happiest when I am with another man (currently it is one of my ex-boyfriends).

 

I have even, like you, just wished that my husband would be as unhappy as much as I am to go out and find another woman. I rushed into this marriage thing (I was 23) and I admit that was wrong, but I don't think we should have to suffer and pay for a mistake for the next 18 years.

 

I know marriage is sacred and I feel terrible that I can't just be happy with where, and who, I am with. I just wanted you to know that there are others out there who feel the same way (even women). My husband knows I'm unhappy but I'm sure he has no idea that I would prefer a divorce. I hope knowing that you are not alone helps.

[RayKay]

Though i am only 26, i subscribe to the old school assumption that it is better for the children to stay together even if you, the adult, are unhappy. I am in an awful marriage and we have pretty much decided to do what our parents did before and stick with it till our kids (7yr & 18mo) are grown. i believe that is the best, most stable life you can give the kids, even when it is far from perfect. try your best not to argue in front of them, as it is very upsetting as they get older and find your own hobbies. seems not too many people agree with me anymore.

who knows, some day, though the passion is long gone, you may even come to really appreciate eachother's comfortable presense. (we can hope)

 

Well, I think there are valid reasons why many do not subscribe to this belief anymore...one which you yourself are proving: children learn about relationships from what they experience in their parents relationships. In other words, your children may grow up and find themselves in "awful marriages" too or with certain preconceptions of relationships because of it.

 

My parents divorced, an awful marriage. They both remarried. I got from my mother and my stepfather a WONDERFUL example of what a healthy relationship is all about - loving, supportive, friendship.....and I don't regret my biological parents divorced. If they had stayed together, I would have had a much lower opinion of marriage, relationships and probably myself got into some bad situations.

 

And even if you don't fight in front of them...don't think kids don't know there is an underlying resentment, and so forth there.

[RayKay]

Well, it sounds like this is a combination of getting married too young, of resentment from feeling pressured into situations you were not ready for, a general misunderstanding of what "commitment" really means, and also the fact you are turning OUTSIDE your marriage to find answers (to another person).

 

First off, there are highs and lows in any relationship. Even the strongest, healthiest marriages have had times of doubt, and re-adjustment. Life changes bring this need for flexibility. It is how couples get through these lows that strengthen their relationship, and determine their path.

 

Secondly, commitment is not just about being faithful; it is about the commitment to developing the relationship and learning to love - love is more than a feeling; it is an action that one must take on for themselves to continously practice.

 

 

Last; when you are in these low periods, it is the ripest time to find another more intriguing and to colour your values, morals and perceptions of your current relationship. You are judging your own relationship against a fantasy - how can something "real" that contains bills, child raising, personal conflicts, different personalities.. compare to something that is "perfect" because it has not had to be tested by LIFE?

 

Only you can decide what to do, but I would advise you stop communicating with this other woman; that you do everything you can (i.e. counselling) to figure out where your discontent is really coming from (hint: often it is not from the relationship, but our own unhappiness that colours the relationship) and give it every shot you can as you promised in your vows.

 

I also recommend reading the book "The Truth About Love" by Dr Pat Love. I recommend it often, because it describes these doubts and the biology of attraction, but also proscribes way to build true love with the person you are with, understanding that doubts are normal.

 

Good Luck.

[tankgirl]

I know how you feel. I am unhappy in my marriage, although my husband is happy and in love. I am committed to sticking it out for the kids, but only if we can continue to provide a positive example.

 

My parents were unhappily married and stuck together for my brother and me. As a result, I saw marriage as two people who fight, are sometimes downright disrespectful to each other and complain about each other even to their children. They divorced when my brother graduated high school and I was graduating college. They both found soulmates pretty quickly and both have been with their mates for more than 19 years now. It was still tough for my brother and me, and I must say I hate the split holiday time, etc when visiting with my children, but there is no doubt that they are happier and stable.

 

By the time I was 12, I learned of my dad's continued infidelity. I saw that my mom loved my dad, but my dad didn't necessarily reciprocate. And my mom constantly drove into me to get my career in order, be independent before getting married, and marry a guy who loves you more than you love him.

 

Well, I did all that, and now, lo and behold, I'm miserable because I don't just want to have a guy who is faithful and in love with me, I want to be in love, too.

 

My husband, on the other hand, grew up surrounded by strong marriages. His parents were and are very affectionate to each other and very supportive. Not that they don't argue, but they are not disrespectful.

 

My husband and I are very affectionate around each other. We do argue occasionally, but do so in more of a debating way, never throwing out personal insults. People who know us believe that we are very happily married and some even comment that we are sometimes like newlyweds. I should also tell you that we do have a passionate sex life, although I will admit that I almost always fantasizing that I am with another man when I'm with him.

 

My point is, yes it can be good for the kids to stay together, but only if by doing so, you are not giving them an example of an unhappy marriage, which they will bring into their own relationships in one way or another.

 

Otherwise, if you decide to divorce, do so in as civil a way as possible. Put your positive attitude into making your split as amicable as possible and be friendly and collaborate parents who are not together.

 

Also, if there is no passion in your marriage at all, consider the fact that you might want or need that some day. Think about how you will deal with meeting someone else or even just wanting to meet someone else. Adding infidelity to the mix is only going to complicate things further.

 

Good luck and hang in there.