marriageintroubleneedhelp

Yes I am going to counseling. I made an appointment for next week. I think that is a good idea as well. Work on yourself and when he sees you get stronger maybe he will realize he needs todo something or lose you. if he cares he will shape up.

Ash I do love him very much. He is the love of my life and I feel like he completes me. I feel a major void without him. Like a part of me is dead. I know he loves me too and he told him I am the love of his life, and he told me no matter what when he meets another girl he is always going to look for me in her. I know he is hurting, and i know he loves me and doens't wnat to lose me, but he wont' go to counseling and we need it. We easily could get back together today and patch things up but that is the easy quick fix and the glue will come undone. We need counseling and he isn't willing. Its interesting that you notice there are some deep issues with him. He is a very troubled soul. He is living here in America and his mother whom he loves very much is living in London where he came from, and he misses her very much. He hasn't seen her in 2 years. He is going home in a couple weeks to see her and he has the anxiety of facing her and telling her he got married. He married me without telling his mother. She is going to be hurt. He is her only son and in their family marriage is very important. He knows he is going to hurt her, and i think he is trying to mess things up with me because then he don't have to tell her the dreadful news, but inside he is dying cause he loves me very much. He has told me there are two people in his life he loves more than anyone and it is me and his mother. I know he is going through alot but understanding that isn't going t solve our problems. I know there are things I have to change as well, but I can't do all the changing. I just can't. I am going to counseling for myself. I made an appoitment in a couple of weeks, and I am going to work on myself. I wish he would go too, but I can't force him. I do love him and I miss him very much.

vfunkera Thank you for your kind words. I think he realizes what he lost now. WE talked for hours online last night and he is really depressed. I just can't be with him like this. I am willing to go to counseling but he is not. He said he didn't go to Thanksgiving because I sent him an email and told him not to show up and spoil thanksgiving for me and my children. I did send him the email but I said not to to just how on Thanksgiving and think that is the time to discuss our problems. Thanksgiving is a holiday and don't show up here and ruin it for us. I simply meant I didn't wnat him spoil it, but he knows he could come here on Thanksgiving and that would be fine, it just isn't the time to take and solve our problem. Oh how frustrating. I love him very much and wish he would go to counseling with me, but he will not. He says I am the one that needs it not him. He is immature and I just keep holding on to the fact that he will grow up and maybe I should stick by him, but I just can't live like this.. every two weeks we are fighting because I said or did something he didn't like so he either gives me the silent treatment for a couple days, or just leaves. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. !!!

dfcannon - I am not worried about him hurting me. I don't think he would hurt me. He is just hurt right now and stubborn. I think he would hurt himself before he would hurt me. I wish I could force him to go to counseling with me but that will never happen. Thanks for your consern.

DGirl, I do have the advantage of him living someplace else however, what breaks my heart is I still love him very much, and i know he loves me. We are both depressed and hate that we are splitting up, but he isn't willing to go to counseling and wants to just blame everything on me. I can accept my part in everything but I refuse to take responsibility for it all. We need counseling to learn how to communicate and he doesn't want to do it. We talked on the phone for like 4 hours last night and it got very emotional. He is really depressed and sad it is over, but I don't know what else to do if he doesn't want to go to counseling. He just says, "I don't need counseling, you do." He is coming to get his things today he said, so we will see how that goes. About your marriage. What is wrong and why do you want it to end? Do you still love him, and does he still love you? Is there anything that can be done to save your marriage? Have you looked into the idea of counseling? I am telling you if my husband was willing I would do it in a heartbeat.

Thank you I appreciate that so much. Your right.... I agree with you. I just can't allow him to do what he is doing to me. I can't.

Yes that is something I didn't think about. I just had a conversation today with him trying to discuss how to best end this and asked to be friends. I was greeted with name calling, finger pointing and means to an end. I see his anger welding up, and quite frankly it is beginning to frighten me. Thanks for your advice.

I don't want to do anything nasty. I just want to do what is best for all of us involved. If I had my way we would go to marriage counseling and work on it, but if he isn't willing then I have no other choice. If I stay in the marriage then we will always be back here becuase he is immature and stubborn. I don't want to throw his stuff out. I want to get them to him, but he demands me not to touch his stuff. I just don't know. I think he is sitting at his apartment waiting for me to cave and ask him to come home, but he is so wrong. I am getting stronger and stronger every day and I am not taking a step backwards like I did the last time. The time before this I went through some tough withdrawals from him, and then I got through it and was at the acceptance stage and stupid me too him back and I knew I would be back here again which I am.

Many of you might have read my previous posts. I have decided to call it quits. We have only been married 7 months and I still love him very much and i know he loves me, but we just are not compatible. I am sorry we had to get married to figure this out, but I just can't live like this anymore. He finds the need to punish me for doing things wrong in such dramatic ways that I just can't do it anymore. He didn't call me on my birthday, he didn't come around for our planned Halloween weekend, and he didn't come for Thanksgiving Dinner. My problem isn't my decision because I already made it. My problem is that I have tried to end it already on a couple of occasions and I am weak and end up taking him back. I love him so much and for a chance to be in his arms again I take him back but we always end up back here. I presented counseling to him and he is not open to that. I tried to talk to him on the phone but he won't answer or return my calls. I tried sending emails to explain that it is the end of the road and he just replies "F YOU" and other obsenities. He doesn't take me seriously and that is obvious. I know when reality hits he is going to be hurt. I told him I need him to get his things out of my house and he tells me he will do it when he feels like it not when I tell him too. I really need him to get his things so I can have closure, but he won't do it. Any ideas on how I could approach him that its over and get him to take me seriously and get his things so that I can move on. I have three children from a previous marriage and I don't want to hurt my children any more than they already are.

YOur so right. I will do that. Your right. I am going to do just that. He isn't open to counseling, so that isn't even an option. I am watching a movie with my daughter now and dinner is almost done. It's hard when they ask me where he is and why he isn't here on Thanksgiving when just last week we were talking about him being here. It is so confusing to them, and they don't understand adn I am frustrated and feel I should tell them something. I'm so upset, but have to be strong. Do you know how bad that sucks?

I need help here. My marriage is coming to an end due to the fact we can't seem to resolve any issues without me accepting full responsibility. I am 31 and he is 25, and I just don't think he was ready for marriage especially with me having children and him having none. I try to always accept my own part in everything and all he does is point the finger at me and say it is all me. He is good at saying, "Its YOU, YOU DO IT, If YOU didn't do it" and stuff like that. He is not spending Thanksgiving with me today because he is mad at me because of a decision I mad that has to do with parenting. I am their parent and I have to make final decisions. I am really sad he isn't here but I am not going to beg him to come here and give him another sense that I am desperate and need him, and make him feel like once again I am accepting responsibility. I just can't do it. In the beginning I took the blame for almost everything because I am the mature one and just don't want to fight but he has gained so much control by that and continues to blame everything on me and doesn't take any responsibility for anything. So I sent him an email today and told him I was carrying on with Thansgiving dinner for hte sake of my children and I am really sad he isn't here but I must have dinner anyway for my children. I told him it is apparent out marriage is failing and I presented him with the idea of counseling. He replied nasty and blamed me, and threw things in my face and ended it with making me feel guilty he is spending thanksgiving alone but doesn't want to spend it with me. He is immature and I am worn out. I just don't know what to do. Any help?

CAsummer2003 I hear what your saying and it is all different. If your wife wants loves and hugs then give it to her. I don't understand why men feel like if they give their wife what they want it is some how giving up who they are. Women have lots of needs that are intimate and when your in a marriage you should be able to give that. I am gonig through the same thing with my husband wanting more affection adn time with him and he feels like I am demanding. I hate that. Also my husband hasn't gone back to see his family in about 2 years but he is going next month without me becuase I don't want to go. I think you should go to Mexico by yourself. You don't need her to go. You really can just go by yourself. Your family is important and don't blame your wife for not seeing them. You can go by yourself.

It is clear what the problem is. You met someone online who sounds like someone you click with so you are thinking maybe this marriage is wrong. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE wake up. Don't you dare throw out a marriage because you are falling for someone online that is ridiculous and I can't even speak anymore on this. There are a ton of marriages that die because of this. I would turn off the computer and stay away from chat rooms, Instant Messengers, and the game you found her in, and stop talking on the phone adn camming with her. You might not think so but that is an affair. Its an affair fo the heart. It might not be physical but the fact you would like it to be is enough to classify it as an affair. That explains why you say you don't care if your wife cheats or if she wanted it over becuase it would lessen the guilt for you. You are selfish and need get a grip. Turn off the computer and focus on your marriage. If your marriage is on the rocks you should not be out there trying to find something else to make you feel good. Look for it in your lovely wife who loves you very much. She is there for you. She is the one you married. She is the woman who had your child. She is the one for you. STop messing with more complications.

Your Right. I sent him an email and told him that we are just two different people, and I can't change him as he can't change me. I recognized that maybe I was blinded by love at first and thought maybe he was not what he is now, but it boils down to the end of our marriage. At the end i told him I am willing to go to counseling as a last ditch effort to save this marriage. I also said "You might think it is "so american" but we tried "so his name" and that didn't work, so maybe you should try the american way." I don't think he will reply in a nice way, he will probably be nasty, very nasty. I sent an email because he will probably be sleeping till around 2-3PM and I will be having dinner with my children around that time, so I sent him an email. I'm so frustrated it is Thanksgiving and he is at his apartment by himself being pissed off, and I am sitting here with my children explaining to them why their step father is not here for Thanksgiving when they know he was going to be here. Not to mention the fight is over a disagreement about parenting with my daughter, so she feels responsible. I just hate the way it is... im frustrated.

I read all your posts and thought I would clarify a few things. First of all, we did date about a year before we got married, and before we got married I brought all these issues up. 1. Him working out of Town. He applied for a job at his school as a Manager of the Telefund department and he told me that he didn't think he was going to get it, and even said he hopes he didn't. He said after that semester was over he would come here and live and change schools, or persue a Masters later on because he didn't like his course of study anyway. Then after marriage he actually got the job he didn't think he would get so he told me he will be gone Monday - Thursday for work and school. I was upset but I understood it was something he needed to do. I figured in my head I would at least have him here on weekends. He gets here on Thursday evening late and I am usually in bed, but the thing that I didn't know is he would sleep till 2PM every day and I am up early dealing with responsibilities that people have to deal with in real life while he sleeps. I stay up till 1AM not because I enjoy staying up that late but only because that is the only way I can spend time with him. I am disappointed every night when I go to bed at 1AM and he stays up until like 4AM and he gets in bed and puts his arms around me and he really enjoys having me in bed. He always gets his needs me. I am always there in bed when he comes, yet I have to go to bed alone every night. Its not just once in a while its every night he is home. The next issue: Cultural Differences!!! In England they have afternoon ciesta (sp) and they sleep in teh afternoon and then get up and have tea and toast and they don't have dinner until around 10PM and then they go to bed late. That is the life there. Not to the extreme of my husband, but similar. Also he is from a large hispanic family. He went to boarding schools growing up. There is a lot of cultural differences I just didn't get into them. So a response to you all is NO I didn't know it was going to be this way when we got married. HE didn't tell his family because he wants to tell them in person not on the phone and he is going home next month. He feels his mother will be hurt because she sent him here to study not get married, and he is afraid to hurt her. She will not be as accepting of me because I have children and in his family it will be frowned upon. What upsets me about it is that in the beginning he just said he will tell her. I thought he was working on telling her when he told her he had a girlfriend but then a month later when his mother asked about me he lied and told her we are just friends, "So much for making progress." I feel like he has no intention of telling his family because he is ashamed of me for having children. I want to point out that I was married for 10 years previously and my husband left me for one of my friends. I didn't have a bunch of children out of wedlock and I don't understand why his family won't understand. He is immature and needs to grow up basically, but I just don't think I can stick around and wait for that to happen. Gilgamesh: YES I realize you can't change people. I know I can't force him to go to bed with me. I know that, but I don't understand why he can't spend time with me at all. He is gone all week and I accepted that. He comes home and sleeps till 2PM and then watches TV all damn day and then goes to bed late. Why can't we sit and talk in the evening? Why can't we lay in bed and talk when it gets late? I guess your right, I can't change him and he just is NOT what I need in my life. I need more and he can't give me more. I need a man who wants the same thing as me, and I don't think that is him. About the yoru parenting comment: YES we talked about it before marriage and he agreed to help me with the children and I welcomed that. In his family where he is from children don't talk back. Children do what they are told and don't ask "Why?" I thought maybe a little bit of strictness in my house would be good for all of us, but it is getting to the point where I don't have a say anymore. We were in Boston on an interview the other day and I had to be back at 4:30 to meet my son cause he was coming home and can't be left alone and he wanted to go eat, and I told him we needed to get back and he said, "Why do you run for your children, they can wait" What he meant is the people bringing him home can wait. As if he had no respect for that fact that my son is my responsibility not someone else's. All this didn't come out before marriage. He is young, only 24, and no children and all this is new for him, and that is why I let a lot slide because I figured he is young and needs to grow, but he is now trying to make me be like him, and I am MYSELF. Like you said, you can't change a pinto into a cadilac. Untimately they are my children and my responsibility. About your comment about being in love with him: YES I am in love wiht HIM, not the idea of what he COULD BE. He used to spend time with me and enjoy the time. He used to be sweet and want to sleep with me at night. He acted like I did and couldn't get enough of me, and we were always together. It's almost as if he thinks he got me where he wants me and he can now let it all hang out if you know what I mean. Now that he has me so in love with him and willing to do anything for him, he can now show the side of him that I don't like very much. I have told him how I feel and he just insults me and makes me feel like what I want is ridiculous and selfish blah blah blah. He is now verbally abusive with calling me names and running me down and making me feel bad. He used to say to me that he would die if he ever made me cry, but lately he is the only one that brings tears to my eyes, and he doesn't even care. I think he grew up with abusive controlling parents, and that is why he is the way he is. I know I have choices to make, and I think ultimately we will divorce. About the comment about the Green Card.. Perhaps your right!