can't go to his apartment...

[craving_normalcy]

Ok, long story short:

 

BF & I lived together for about 16 months of up-n-down, rocky-road mess. He moved out in May of this year because I asked him to - things were just too chaotic and hectic at my place...he and my daughter didn't get along, and it made it very hard to be the 'referee'.

 

When he moved out, I figured that we could 'mend' our relationship if we weren't together 24/7...slow things down a bit, rebuild some aspects of the relationship that had started to crumble. Basically - I have a lot of trust issues with him and it sucks. We continue to see each other exclusively and get together 1-2 times per week to hang out/go out, etc. We are both full-time college students, and he works part-time too (I work full time and am a full time single mom to a VERY busy 13 yr old girl)...so, we don't have a lot of time TO get together...which is a big change from living together...and it makes me nervous of 'what is he doing when we aren't together?'...

 

So, things went OK for a month or 2...then some crap came up that started some issues and heated debates. One of these times happened at his apartment when I was there just visiting. Our voices got louder and we just kept yelling at each other (no violence). Well, after I left, we were on the phone a few days later, where he tells me that I am 'no longer allowed in his apartment'...WHY, I ask? Because he says he is afraid that IF we argue and get loud, one of his neighbors might call the property manager and/or the police and he might get evicted...Now, this was HIS decision - the landlord didn't say I can't be there - this is just him.

 

Ok, I can understand the rationale behind that...because he'd just moved into an apartment complex that is MOSTLY retired senior citizens who are used to 'peace & quiet.' I can see him not wanting to rock the boat or draw attention to himself for negative reasons like us fighting. Ok, fine. Well, it's now mid-September and I'm STILL not allowed in there.

 

Whenever I bring it up, he tells me that 'when you trust me you can come back over'...well, how the hell do I prove that I trust him, when it DRIVES ME NUTS that he lives 2 miles away and I can't even pop over with a pizza after work??? I feel like he's hiding things from me and THAT is the true reason I can't go over there...it makes it very difficult for us to 'be alone' (if ya get my drift) when my daughter lives here and I can't just 'send her off' so we can be together...the natural thing would be 'hey lets hang at HIS place' - but he wants no part of that...

 

What do I do? Is he out of line? Should I just give up on EVER going back over there? Because, quite honestly, if I do - that means the relationship is pretty much done and over with...I'm NOT going to be in a relationship where I'm not even WELCOME at my SERIOUS bf's house because we 'might' get into an argument???

 

HELP!

[DN]

OK - just for a moment let's reduce this to two things.

 

1. You threw him out of your house because of arguments.

 

2. He has thrown you out of his because of arguments.

 

So now you are even. Maybe you should both approach these issues with less arguing and more negotiation and compromise. Both of you over-react.

[craving_normalcy]

...uh, no, I didn't 'throw him out of my apartment' because of arguments...I ASKED him and WE decided he should move out because the tension between he and my daughter was getting to be too much for me to take. If I reprimanded her because of him, I was a bad mom. If I didn't reprimand her, I was a bad girlfriend. So, it can't really be 'reduced' to these 2 factors...there is a lot more involved.

[DN]

But the bottom line is the same. Maybe thrown out is too strong a way of putting it but the fact is he left the house for a reason instigated by you. And it may well be that even though he agreed to move out there is a resentment on his part that is a contributing factor in this latest issue.

 

If he is not going to live with you because of your daughter - how did you see this relationship proceeding? What was the plan for the future in terms of improving the relationship between him and your daughter?

[craving_normalcy]

Honestly, I don't know...I was hoping (maybe naively) that things between them would 'iron out' a bit if they weren't constantly around each other...he's not a bad guy, nor is my kid a brat...they just don't get along on some levels. We were also going to counseling (he & I) to work on issues as well.

[DN]

The here's what I suggest you do. Ask to talk to him and say that obviously the relationship has got badly off track and you want to get it straightened out. You should reaffirm that you love him and want to be with him and ask him if he feels the same way.

 

If you both do want that, then agree to get family counselling that includes your daughter so that you can learn how to manage all three of you living in the same house. You two may also benefit from couples counseling although that may not be necessary if the family counselling solves the major issues.

 

In the meantime, you two should be dating. And part of that is spending time in each others places - at first when your daughter is not at your place if that can be managed.

 

Agree that if an argument develops that you do not yell at each other but take a time out until you are calm enough to talk it through rationally - no matter where you are. BTW - if you two have had loud arguments so that your daughter can hear that may well be a contributing factor in the bad relationship she has with him.

 

Negotiate and compromise. All three of you.

[craving_normalcy]

We both know that we love each other and want to work things out. As I mentioned, he and I have been going to couples' counseling, and that's working pretty well.

 

The problem is that he will NOT let me come to his apartment - no matter what I say or do. I tell him it makes me feel like he's hiding something, or that I'm not really 'welcome' in his life anymore. I honestly don't think that anything I say or do is going to change this, according to him, until I am able to 'trust' him...it's like a double edged sword - he wants me to trust him, but yet, won't let me come over, which leads me to have suspicions and worry (not always warranted suspicions and worries, but sometimes red flags get raised)...so then I don't trust...AHHHH HELP!

[Batya33]

I don't think it's healthy for your daughter to be around the two of you given the fighting and that he is not her father. Too confusing and not a great role model for her (and potentially harmful). What I would do is go back to just dating - no sex - see each other once a week for dinner or a walk - do not involve your daughter and no one goes to the other's apartment (because there's no reason to). Figure out if you two still like each other and can get along. I also would consider couples counseling.

[DN]

I think you are getting hung up on the apartment issue which, though important, is not the main problem here. The main problem is his relationship with your daughter and that is the thing that needs addressing first.

[Bethany]

I agree with DN. Not letting you come to his apartment is NOT the main problem here. You have to accept that he doesn't want you there, whether you like it or not. It's his choice, his decision. Stop seeing this as a rejection of you or a brick wall to bang your head against and look at the bigger picture.

Who needs drama and arguments in their own home? not me! And not you either seeing as you said that he moved back out at your request.

 

Surely you can see his point of view? Respect his wishes and accept for the time being this just IS and instead work on your relationship with him and your daughter.

 

If these issues were solved, he would no longer have an apartment and would be living with you and your daughter full time. That is the issue here that needs to be addressed.

[Batya33]

I don't think your daughter should be involved in this relationship anymore until you two decide to get engaged with a definite wedding date. Why subject her to this drama until then?

[craving_normalcy]

Just to clarify...

 

My daughter is not 'subject' to anything...he comes over when SHE is not around...and, actually, when they are around each other (which happens every now and then), they are getting along a lot better...in fact, SHE called him tonight to ask him to take her to a movie next weekend that I don't want to see...

 

Yes, there were some touchy rough spots in the beginning that my daughter saw; however, she is 13, not 5 - she's aware that adults argue and have disagreements.

 

Who said ANYTHING about engagements or weddings????

[Batya33]

From my experience with teenagers it can be very confusing for teenagers to be in an apartment where mom is with a man who is not married to her mother or her father (I assume he sleeps over - I am a little confused about this situation).

 

As a famous talk radio psychologist has said "children don't get dating - they get attached." She advises not involving children in these types of relationships or having sleep overs etc unless the couple is engaged with a wedding date. I happen to agree with that opinion. I take it you do not. Of course your daughter knows adults argue - it is a different thing entirely when the adults arguing are her mother and her mother's boyfriend - those are direct role models for her. That's all I meant and I respect that you disagree.

 

As far as your relationship, I would make a list of pros and cons about this relationship, including its impact on your daughter, and see which list is longer. Sounds simplistic but I have seen this work fairly well and it sounds like that approach might work for you. Good luck.