So what IS the "gentle let down"?

[Celadon]

I hear over and over that, if you're not interested in someone, it is best to reject him or her gently and honestly. I totally agree, because I know how much rejection can sting. But I'd like to know what exactly one should say?

 

To be honest, I hear more advice of what NOT to say. Don't say, "You're a great person, funny, smart BUT ...." Don't say, "Let's be friends" or "I think of you as a friend." And don't say, "Sorry I'm busy." People consider those insults apparently.

 

So give me some words. Tell me what to say.

 

Thanks.

 

P.S. This thread isn't a response to any other thread on enotalone, just a random question I've got. Apologies if this has already been asked.

[bhzmafia]

If its a good friend of yours who has developed something - do it so that there is no chance of him/her thinking there will ever be something more.

Basically, be firm, but kind (if thats possible?). Say something like "I dont, and never will, see you that way. But you are a good FRIEND."

 

If its not a friend, and is just some random, tell them the truth.

 

Its its someone you sort of know, then tell them the truth.

[Roi]

always tell the truth, never sugar coat ur words.

[rose2summer]

Definitely as other said,

 

Don't sugarcoat, it will seep right through,

 

And the person will be more hurt,

 

Make it clean, concise, and to the point,

 

And say, I think we are incompatible and best part our own ways,

 

Any mushiness, like lets be friends, your a great man/woman,

 

Is just ridiculous and used as a manipulation measure,

 

Which is completely unfair to the dumpee,

 

They have the right to be let go with dignity,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[Day_Walker]

be honest in the respect that you tell the person that your feelings arent the same and you dont want to be with them any longer. Tell them that the relationship isnt what you thought it would be and you are moving on from it.

[DN]

"I am flattered that you are interested in me but, sorry, I just don't feel the same way."

[Shadow25]

Good one DN, that's pretty clear, not suger coated, and it gets the point accross.

 

Unfortunately, no matter how a person says they are not interested, people will still persue in hope of getting them interested, when in fact, it just p***es the person off even more.

 

However, when I get a rejection, I prefer it to be pretty clear, but not harsh.

My last rejection was harsh, not overly harsh, but it was.

 

Instead of making derogatory comments that just arent necessary, she could have said "Sorry, I'm not interested, and never will be, how does friends sound"

 

OR just like DN said, I think that one is spot on.

I would take that very well.

It's an easy let down, without being harsh, and without being hard to understand, it makes a clear point "I'm flattered that you're interested in me, but I don't feel the same way", it simply means "I'm not interested" but makes it sound nicer...how could you go wrong with that.

 

Unfortunately, I have many female friends who just won't listen to your advice...they would ask me "this guy likes me, blahblahblah, I don't like him blahblah, and I don't know how to tell him I don't like him, blah, how do I do it?"

 

I tell them "Tell him the cold hard truth, but don't be a ..... about it, the only way he will stop persueing is if you tell him the truth, don't feel that you're selfish or anything like that for telling him the truth..he'll be hurt either way, but trust me on this when I say that he'll be alot more hurt if you don't tell him the truth straight away"

 

So what happens...a few days later, they come back saying "OMG, he won't get the point!"

I ask.. "what do you mean, did you tell him the truth"

the girl says.. "I didn't want to be mean to him, or harsh, I didn't want to hurt him, I just said that I dunno if it could work out, and that I'd rather be friends"

I say.. "did you listen to my advice at all the other day?"

her... "yeah"

me... "noooo, you didn't, like I said, he just won't get it if you don't tell him the truth about how you feel, tell him "sorry, I don't feel the same way about you, I'm not interested" he'll either get the picture and give up, OR he'll be a creep and keep persueing you"

 

Then I usually don't hear back from the girl until later on she comes online one day saying "omg this guy is P'ing me off, aaaaaargh, I want to rip his throat out!, why doesnt he get the picture!?"

I ask... "Did you tell him what I told you to tell him?"

Her..."no, but I'm gonna send an email now that hopefully he'll get the picture!"

 

Meaning she's gonna send him and email that's going to be harsh, mean and all of that, because of her own silly stupid fault for not telling him the truth in the first place.

 

So yeah, be truthful, don't be harsh, don't be nice, just be upfront, make your feelings CLEAR, but if you hate him and all of that, don't tell him you hate him, just say you're sorry and that you arent interested..end of story.

[Celadon]

Thanks everybody. It's a sticky situation, but I will practice saying, "I am flattered that you are interested in me but, sorry, I just don't feel the same way."

 

BTW, I've had men who *thought* I was interested in them (but wasn't) also do strange things, like look exceedingly uncomfortable and make as quick an exit as humanly possible. lol! Maybe they thought that was being clear. haha.

[Shadow25]

hahaha *raises hand* GUILTY!

 

I used to try and get the hell out of there as quick as possible...funny but strange.

[charley]

I don't have any advice for what to tell you to tell someone else because I'm not sure. Any good advice might work, or might go badly.

 

However, I do have a comment about the "let's be friends" statement. I think that's fine to say if you sincerely want to be friends with the person. However, if you don't really want to be actual friends, then don't say it. Saying "let's be friends" when you don't mean it is phony and insulting at best; or confuses the other person at worst.

 

The "let's be friends" thing is ugly, IME, when one person says, "let's be friends", but really means "stay away from me". It either sounds phony and insulting, or it sounds sincere and thereby confuses the other person. If the rejected person doesn't understand that you really meant to stay away from you, then they will try to be friends with you for real, which will make you uncomfortable all over again; and will cause them a second, deeper hurt and humiliation when they find out that you don't really want to be friends at all. That's like adding insult to injury.

 

On the other hand, if you really do like the person as a friend and want to be friends and only friends with them, then I think it's appropriate to say that because it's how you honestly feel. In this way, you might be able to retain them as a friend, and only a friend.

 

Some kindness mixed with honesty is best, IMO. However, I don't know what you should say in your situation. No matter what you say, it will hurt. However, hopefully you can do it in a way that will minimize the pain for the other person, yet also accomplish whatever you really want to accomplish.

 

First, I think you need to figure out if you really want to be friends (for real) with the person, or if you just don't want to know them anymore. Once you figure out that, you'll have your end goal figured out. Then hopefully you can figure out what to say.

[g44]

"be honest in the respect that you tell the person that your feelings arent the same and you dont want to be with them any longer. Tell them that the relationship isnt what you thought it would be and you are moving on from it."

 

depends on the persons age, when u decide to say that [have things cooled off, are you both being reasonable], what the relationship was like, etc. but overall, i agree with DW. no need to say how great that person was, or that you are flattered, etc. having to do so means that there is simply some 'doubt' left over. if someone told me what DW said, that would be fine with me. plus, why would anyone want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with u? makes no sense. just be honest and respectful - that's it.

[Celadon]

However, I do have a comment about the "let's be friends" statement. I think that's fine to say if you sincerely want to be friends with the person. However, if you don't really want to be actual friends, then don't say it. Saying "let's be friends" when you don't mean it is phony and insulting at best; or confuses the other person at worst.

 

Well, I'm glad you explained that to me, charley, because I wasn't really sure why "I see you as a friend" or "let's be friends" was so terrible. But then, I really have meant it as "let's be friends." When I've said that, I haven't been trying to get someone to leave me totally alone. More like, I've thought the guy was nice but not for me.

 

So maybe I didn't mean it as a "we'll get together every week" type of friend, but at the least as a friendly and happy-to-see-you kind of friend. The kind you'd gladly pal around with in a group or play tennis with every now and then. If that makes sense.

[charley]

Well, I'm glad you explained that to me, charley, because I wasn't really sure why "I see you as a friend" or "let's be friends" was so terrible. But then, I really have meant it as "let's be friends." When I've said that, I haven't been trying to get someone to leave me totally alone. More like, I've thought the guy was nice but not for me.

 

So maybe I didn't mean it as a "we'll get together every week" type of friend, but at the least as a friendly and happy-to-see-you kind of friend. The kind you'd gladly pal around with in a group or play tennis with every now and then. If that makes sense.

 

There is nothing wrong with saying, "Let's be friends" or something like that, if you really mean it. However, I've been on both ends of this before (the rejector or the rejected). When you really do want to just be friends, you should be specific about what that means to you. For example, if you'd like to see the person (as a friend) once a month, then say that you'd like to see them as a friend once a month. Be specific.

 

I've had the sad experience before of a gal telling me she wants to be friends and really meaning "go away and stay away". That leads to additional humiliation and hurt feelings for me, if I don't get her true meaning. Also, extra discomfort for her.

 

I've also had them tell me they want to just be friends and really meant it, but I thought they wanted me to go away and I did. Then months later accidentally I run into them and they're hurt or offended that I didn't want to be friends just because they didn't want to date me. Another miscommunication.

 

I've also had them tell me they want to be friends and I believed them, but I didn't know if they wanted to see me once a day, once a week, once a month, or what. This partly also depends on context (i.e. - do I have to see them every day at work, or school, or never have to see them unless I choose to).

 

I've also been on the other end of this were I told a gal I wanted to be friends, but I was vague about what I meant. I meant I'd like to see or hear from her once a week to once a month since that is my normal contact with my friends. She thought "friends" meant calling me several times a week. So that got uncomfortable the first week. Then she got really hurt when I asked her not to call so much. I could have avoided this if I'd been specific in the first place.

 

The problem with saying "let's be friends" is that many people say that when they don't mean it and they really mean "go away and stay away". The other problem with saying "let's be friends" is that those who really sincerely mean it are usually to vague about what they intend for a friendship, how much contact, type of contact, etc. For example, some lady friends like to give or receive a hug. Others don't want to be touched at all. How's a guy supposed to know all these things if we aren't told? We aren't mind readers.

 

So here's what I've learned:

 

If a lady tells me she wants to be friends, I'll ask her if she means friends with a possibility of dating, or just friends only, or what does she mean? If she really does want to be friends, I'll ask her how often she'd like to hear from me. I wouldn't have to ask these things if they'd be more specific, but they usually aren't specific, until I ask.

 

If I'm the one saying I'd like to be friends, then first of all, I won't say that unless I really mean it. There's some people I just don't want to be around and I would NOT tell them I want to be friends if I don't. For a lady I really want to be friends with, I am very specific. If I mean I'd like to be friends first and maybe date later, I'll say exactly that. If I mean I ONLY want to be friends, then I'll say exactly that. I'll also say "I'd like to see you as a friend once a week" or "twice a week" or "once a month" or whatever I would prefer. Of course, I then have to listen to her wishes and compromise might be necessary, if possible.

 

Being specific about amount of contact prevents your new friend from calling you once a day every day or some other disaster like that, or encourages it if that's what you requested. i.e. - you have to set the ground rules for the friendship and amount and type of contact is the starting point, IMO.

 

Be honest and specific if you are the one saying. If you are the one hearing, then ask questions to clarify, if you have any doubts. These are some things I've learned the HARD way. Experience is a cruel teacher and the lessons are ongoing (ouch).

[Ipso Fracto Man]

Her: "Let's be friends, but you may only contact me once every eleven days. Phone calls must be no more than 23 minutes in duration, emails cannot be longer than four paragraphs of 80 words or less, and IMing is right out."

 

Me: "Have a nice life."

[charley]

Her: "Let's be friends, but you may only contact me once every eleven days. Phone calls must be no more than 23 minutes in duration, emails cannot be longer than four paragraphs of 80 words or less, and IMing is right out."

 

Me: "Have a nice life."

 

I think she (whoever she is) could and would say her expectations more diplomatically than that. If she says it diplomatically and you don't like it, then by all means feel free to become absent from her life. I'm sure she wouldn't miss you, if you can't take it polite, or if you're bent on excessive contact. Sometimes complete absense is best for both people.

[BBHFutureAllAmerican]

i just drop it hardcore, may sound like i'm a bad guy but if that's how it's gotta be done that's how it's gonna be done

[g44]

simply saying...things in a way that shows respect to the other person...how can u lose doing that....but u don't have to say "sorry"

 

i would simply do this, go for a coffee, have a chat about anything but what u are going to say...let both people relax because both probably already know what is going to be said...all you are doing is honouring the past...

 

and while you are sipping on yer triple triple and enjoying a boston cream, simply say..."you know what, we did have some great times togther, and some pretty crappy ones too, and i just don't feel that i could feel what i did before [trust, honesty, etc.] and we both know that. "

 

and if every is kewl, there is no need to ask to be friends

 

you'll probably say something like "can i borrow that nena hagen cd sometime?" and he'll say, "only if i can get back that screwdriver and paint brushes..." lol

 

and u two can do whatever u wish as friends

 

pretty easy i think. that's just me.

 

i would totally respect a woman who did that

 

duh!

[Celadon]

There is nothing wrong with saying, "Let's be friends" or something like that, if you really mean it. However, I've been on both ends of this before (the rejector or the rejected). When you really do want to just be friends, you should be specific about what that means to you.

 

That makes total sense, charley. I've never gone that specific, but I see as how it would probably have helped in a few situations. Some people might perceive it as awkward (and of course it is, since it's accompanied by "I'm sorry but I don't like you in that way"), but it's at least caring enough to be clear.

 

The part for me that's led to trouble is, like you said, the other person's expectation. They don't know that I only talk to my friends maybe once a week at most, so they may think I'm dissing them if I only check in with them once a month, or say a friendly "Hi, how's it going?" when I see them, but don't engage in a lengthy discussion.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

(And thanks to everyone else, too! Much appreciated!)

[OceanEyes]

It depends on the 'relationship' that lead up to the let down. If I didn't know the guy at all before, I'd probably just not take his calls. I don't owe a man anything if we haven't even had a conversation before.

 

If we were friends, or even acquaintances beforehand, I'd be respectful and tell him that I wasn't interested.

 

I don't see why there is a requirement to be so honest with people you don't know at all, though. There shouldn't be a need to have an awkward discussion with a near-stranger.