Wife of 17 years cheats with THREE guys!!

[NJRon]

I suggest listening to the doctor and following through for the time being. Anti-depressants are long acting medications. They are not like valium... take a pill and be happy. You need to take them for a while and then monitor usage and then modify dosage and, sometimes, change the drug entirely.

 

Don't be impatient with the process. It sounds like things are actually going well for you, but you are just upset that they aren't perfect already.

 

If you want to be in this, you got to be in this all the way. Give it time.

 

As for your own feelings ... I still recommend a therapist/counsellor for you... but I know what you'll say

[doman]

Hello. Thanks for the feedback. Jen, yes, she was apparently much more depressed than I thought. I just listened to a fight that we had in Oct 04 (I had a recording on my Palm)...and I heard things in a different light in that fight. It was our last really big fight. When she made an agreement to sleep with her best friends husband, it was shortly after that fight. I thought things had improved after the fight, and that we were getting along. After listening to the fight again last night...I think she made a conscious decision to start drinking...at least that is pretty much what happened. Drinking was a big factor apparently...more so than I realized. The last person she slept with was a near black out. That was in March. I found out about that person at 5:00 am the next morning as she tried to sneak back in the house. Anyway, the rest of the details are in my first post...the point is that she agreed that day to not drink again...and she hasn't. She really has been working hard at changing her ways. She stopped hanging around the people that got all this started. She started going to counseling. She restarted doing things with and for me and us....with good spirits about it. It was only later that I found out about the other two people that had occurred previous to the drunken incident.

 

Point is, about the warning for the drinking...tahnkfully, she has resummed a vountarily and willing position to NOT drink again. For our first 14 years together, she didn't drink out of respect for me. Then, it started to creep in...and then over the last 2 years up until March when she hit her bottom. She isn't going to AA, but she seems to be ok no drinking.

 

Thanks Ron for your comments...here and PMs. Good points...and I will work on doing just what you recommend.

[Kitten123]

I am new to this group - in fact, I registered just so that I can join in the discussion!

 

My heart goes out to you! Allow me to tell my story:

 

I have been married for 19 years and have 2 wonderful kids. I always thought that we had a pretty good marriage, in fact, we used to try and talk friends out of divorcing! Three months ago, I found out my husband had an affair. The machanics of exactly how I found out is not important. I confronted him and he confirmed that he had an affair which he broke off a month before that. He also confessed that he has been visiting prostitutes.

 

I can not begin to describe the feelings I went through! But 3 months later I can see a pattern that I would like to describe to you as I have a feeling it will help.

 

For the first month I CLUNG to him like I was going to drown! I wanted sex every night because that was the only way I felt that he could prove his love to me.... but every time we made love I cried, because I couldn't get the image of him with someone else out of my mind. I was so terrified that he would leave me - that he didn't love me any more! I obsessively checked his cell phone records and his credit card statements. I noted every call to every number on a big calendar (don't laugh, it was terrible!) I compared the calls with his credit card statements. Where did they meet? Where did they go? Did he buy her gifts? Did he phone me while he was with her? Did I phone him while he was with her? I can describe the questions as a ping-pong ball just bouncing and bouncing and bouncing in my head. I couldn't stop the thoughts of him with her.

 

I cried at the most inappropriate times, I stopped eating. I asked myself what is wrong with me that he wants to have sex with someone else? I believed that everything must be my fault - that I drove him away! I obsessed about having to be the perfect wife so that he will not ever again want to stray.He told me that he wants to stay with me and that he loves me. I asked him to repeat that about 50 times a day!! But I couldn't believe him! He has an ongoing problem with depression and agreed to see someone. He says the shrink asked him if his wife knows how sorry he is? Checking his phone records showed that there were in fact two affairs. I confronted him and he confirmed that he was having two affairs at the same time, as well as seeing the prostitutes from time to time. My first reaction was where did he find the time for all this?? I had myself tested and found that I had both vaginal warts and some other STD.

 

I also went for therapy and it has been very beneficial. (I must add here that it is not always easy to find the right therapist - and the wrong therapist will not help). She asked if I was angry. I couldn't tell her if I was or not. My heart was broken - that was all I was feeling.

 

During the first month I felt very close to him - I felt that he was really making an effort. He would send me lovely messages on my cellphone. How sorry he is, how much he loves me etc etc. I think that was the honeymoon period - post-traumatic stress from both of us?

 

The second month was very productive in terms of myself. I saw that I was terrified of abandonment (HUGE issues from my childhood) and would in fact do anything, consent to anything and tolerate anything just so that he wouldn't abandon me. I found myself retreating from him - I spent lots of time trying to work through my own issues. At the same time, he was very good with visiting his therapist and working on his own issues. I felt numbed by the whole sordid mess. I started asking WHY?? I could stay faithfull for 19 years. why couldn't he? I promised before God "For better, for wose etc", why couldn't he? I wanted to climb into a hole and bury myself, I was even thinking of suicide. I wanted to have my own affair - not because I wanted an affair, but because I wanted him to find out and feel my hurt (luckily I didn't).

 

Then in the third month his therapist told him that he has strong narcissistic tendancies! Some of the things he did throughout our marriage suddenly made sense. He used both myself and the mistresses to satisfy his need for affirmation and adoration. If I didn't give him enough attention, he would go elsewhere! It was a huge relief on the one hand, but terrible on the other hand. How could I ever trust him in the future not to sleep around if I am not attentive enough?

 

Now, for the first time, I am getting really angry. I didn't sleep around, so why should I feel guilty? He must prove to me that he still loves me, not the other way around. He must tell me I am pretty and sexy and all the things that I am not feeling because he rejected me by sleeping around. I told him yesterday that I am sure of my feelings towards him, but am thouroughly confused as to his love for me. He must earn my trust back, I dont have to feel guilty if I wonder where he is etc.

 

I am still, and will be in the future, commited to my marriage and making sure that I do my best to make it work. I now see that although I contributed to the problems we had at the time, it was his choice to sleep around. It was NOT my fault. He could have talked to me and suggested counselling - which I gladly would have done.

 

I can only tell you to hang on, maybe your marriage can't be saved. I am not 100% sure how I will feel in 6 months time - maybe by then I will want to leave him. Work on yourself, on your own self-image, let her solve her problems herself. You cannot carry her burden, you cannot make it easier for her to confront her issues - pain brings growth. Hopefully the growth you both experience will be towards each other, not apart. Your marriage will never be the same, but you may end up with a brand-new marriage - with the same woman!

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

Just some questions that may have been asked (I haven't read pages 3-5).

 

1) Could all of the fertility treatments be messing with her head?

 

2) Do you feel the relationship needs a child, or do you wish to accentuate your love with a child?

 

3) The first time she cheated on you it was with a much younger guy, and later she tried to get you to wear a more contemporary style of jeans, do you think this is a peculiar coincidence?

 

4) If you were to look at her actions alone, and ignore what she may have said to you and what you think she feels, what do those actions say about her intentions?

 

5) When do you two find yourselves happiest with the marriage?

[doman]

Hey Kitten, Thanks for the very thorough reply. That is some real insight. A honeymoon for AFTER the affair. VERY interesting concept...and makes perfect sense.

 

Hey Rodeo-rider, thanks for the VERY kind comment. When I think of my wife as a sick person, I do ok. It is only when I start thinking of my own feelings and rights that I feel hurt. I still feel hurt almost every day. I just think it is strange that the times that I remember...are when she is being nice, and loveing to me. Just the second she says something sweet (like yesterday), that the thoughts of what she did go racing through my head. Like yesterday, I mentioned I had noticed a bunch of new gray hairs...and she replied how good I looked and how well I was aging....and that I was looking better and better. And I thought, well why couldn't you have remembered that two years ago when you started sleeping around on me. And then, I have to remember, oh yeah, she is sick. And I have to remember how I would want to be treated if I relapsed and started drinking again...and then got back in to recovery. According to my wife, from since before we ever date 18 years ago, she used sex as a way to feel better about herself...and that she has never been happy. So, I have had to look at her as having 15 years of "sobriety" before she relapsed and slept around.

 

But you know, I can't help but wonder (from Kitten's and RRs posts, as well as others) how much different it is for a woman to be cheated on. I mean, I feel bad about what happened...even now, even on a good day. But I release that it could have been a lot worse. RR, I hope that your suspicions don't pan out...but if they do...you are in the right place to get things worked out.

 

Hey IKK, yeah, most of those questions have been addressed. The lack of a child is definitely a factor in her depression. We watch one friend after another have their first child about 7 years ago...when she first wanted us to have a child. Then, a couple of years ago, we watched another round have their child, including her best friend...who is the one whose husband she slept with (with the wifes permission). Actually, he is not all that much younger than I. ALthough that was not much of a factor, I have been aware of the signficance of he desiring me to dress the look of younger people. I actually look really young. My students are always shocked to learn that I am the same age as their parents. I have dirty blond hair...and I play tennis and otherwise work out regularly.

 

But anyway, I think the lack of a child, and the issues of failure are very much relevant. Also, the lack of her own success with a career. She says that she didn't think I loved her any more...and that I didn't even like her...and that she felt that the end of our relationship was near, and that is partly why she strayed. She admits that she was wrong...and she is not arguing what she did was wrong...just trying to explain her position. Unfortunately, it is really a huge miscommunication...at least that is the best I can figure. Basically, from my point of view, I stopped asking her to help me...and let her grow apart from me in the name of "giving her her freedom". I just didn't reliease that the friends that I thought were good for her...would talk her in to such a strange releationship of allowing a best friend to help her husband out for sexual responsibilities. I think then, that just started in a nasty downward turn of everything that resulted in more cheating...and the death of her friend.

 

We have always had good times...and we have always been close...even in the midst of the last two years...which made things so confusing to find out that she was sleeping around). Both today and before...our best times are when we together doing things. Like when we went skiing recently. Or like we will go to the big city near by and go shopping, etc. We usually go out to eat each evening...and we work out together. Recently, she has been helping me keep up at work, so we have been spending even more time together.

 

Actually, in the back of my mind, I don't see that anything ever was really wrong. I know she was sad about not having children. But she seemed so happy about having close friends. I knew she was starting to drink alot...but that was about the only clue that something was wrong. We were still having regular sex...if not more so as we were still trying to have children naturally. And we were still doing lots of things together, especially on the weekends. It was REALLY a shock to learn that she was going out to get MORE sex than we were already having. It is something that does cross my time even now. What if things are going very well...and she decides to sleep around again? I guess I cant really know. I do know that she does not drink...at least not around me. And she is outwardly working on being a better person. She is extra sweet to me when we talk on the phone...and always comes up and give me a good hug and a kiss when see each other for the first time each day.

 

I just got to keep my thoughts on the present day...and not dwell on the past.

[doman]

Hello everybody. It has been a 1.5 years since first catching her with what appeared to be an "accidental, drunken, one night stand". It has been almost 1 full year since I found out about the full extent of my wife's cheating that involved two other guys over two more years.

 

We are getting along great...and you would think nothing ever happened...but I CAN'T FORGET!!!! What she did is still in the back of my mind. I think of the guy climbing the stairs in our house to go have sex with my wife. The fact that I came home later that night and she would lie there like nothing had happened.

 

When she goes missing sometimes for periods of time (normally no big deal) but now...the first thing on my mind is that two years ago...she might have been with one of those guys.

 

When my wife says sweet things...I reply with sweet things...but in the back of my mind I think of how she cheated on me. I also find it hard to initate sweet things. I used to sign all of my emails to her with oxox. I used to do a lot of sweet things...but I just can't. I don't really even tell her I love her except when she tells me that she loves me first...and she does that like 10 times a day.

 

She willingly has sex with me pretty much when I ever I want (if she feels ok)...or when she thinks I should need it. She just sent me a text message that said, "How about sex and then we run". It has been a few days...so I am sure she is thinking that it has been a while. But when I got the message...I swear I thought maybe she sent it to the wrong person. I mean she hasn't done ANYTHING else to warrant the mistrust. She has completely stopped drinking...and seems to be 110% committed to loving me, being happy wtih me...and trying to make me happy no matter what. But I still have that nagging thought that every time she does something nice...that she is a cheater...and that she slept with three other guys. I try to tell my self that it was just her sickness...that she had been sick for a very long time. And she got off into drinking...and that I should forgive her like I would want forgiveness if I relapsed. But it just seems different. It seems like she was

 

My wife is still on medication...and she is relatively happy. But I hate the fact that she has to be on medicine. It seems to make her so wired. Things that used to bother her...might bother her for a second...but she seems to let go of things a lot easier...and get back to being "happy go lucky". She had tried getting off of Zolofot...but got depressed again. She is now on Cymbalta, 60mg. I think the medicine sucks. She takes medications for everything...over the counter stuff...mostly antihistamines, Tylenol, Excedrin, gas relief. But when I said earlier that she will have sex with me pretty much any time I want...IF she is feeling ok. Problem is that she is never feeling good. She is always sick with something. Ate too much, allergies are messing her up, something. And then when we do get together...it is pretty obvious she is just doing it for me...even though she has a good attitude about it...because of the SSRI...she just doesn't really want it, need it...or enjoy it!

 

Anyway, I have been wanting to write and update what has been going on for some time. But when I got that text message this morning...I just about lost it. I have been going to AA meetings regularly here locally...but it is not the same as here. You just can't open up and start talking and asking for feedback like here.

 

But I have got to ask. When, if ever, will I forget? Will I always remember?

 

Actually, I have a specific question. I want to stop thinking bad thoughts when she does something nice. HOW?????? How do I do this? When she asks...want to go make love? I don't want to say yes, but think how she cheated on me. What can I do physically to retrain my brain?

 

Thanks!

[ProtestTheHero]

I'd get out of this situation, man. This is obviously something that won't change.

 

You are who you are. If she can't accept that, let her sleep around and play dress up with someone dumb enough to let her. You are worth more than that and deserve more respect than that.

 

I'd bail.

[beauty21]

By getting out of dodge.

Seriously, when are you going to stop torturing yourself? I know you love her, but sometimes love isn't enough. She seems to have alot of issues going on with her and combining those issues with your issues how much can one man take? I honestly, can not see how you are even able to still touch this woman after she has slept her way thru the whole state. She's nasty. Blaming her actions on her sickness was a cheap shot. No. You will never forget what she has done. You may forgive, but you won't forget. The only reason you are staying in this marriage is because you are still afraid. I hope you come to your senses soon. Good luck.

[jevonj77]

You know, you're better than that. You should have left her a while ago. She is really lucky to have you.

 

What will you do if she cheats on you again? I mean, maybe she was trying to get pregnante by these people...maybe she'll do it again. The fact is if she is still disappearing in the day like she did before, most likely she's doing it again. Also, how do you know that the times she told you are the only ones? Maybe those are the only ones that she feels comfortable telling you about.

 

So I think it's time that you do a trial separation with dating of others or just seeing others. This way you can see how it feels to be apart from her and with someone else; you may find that it's not so scary to leave her as you thought before.