Kitten123

Although my husband of 19 years went a lot further than having an EA, I can tell you how I felt and what I wanted him to do. I was angry because I felt he spent time, money and emotions on them. I was angry because he can be very charming and romantic, and he wasted that on somebody else! I needed be feel that 100% of his time and thoughts are with me, and me only. For me, it went a lot further than helping around the house (he started doing that, and I was thankful). This past Friday, I needed some help with the mom's taxi and he actually cancelled an appointment to help me. He also phoned every half hour while I drove quite far to fetch my son to find out if I was safe. He waited for me a the gate as I came back, hugged me and told me he is glad I am at home. I felt that for the first time I could trust him. I could rely on him to do things for me! I was important in his life! He wanted me in his life! He also scheduled an appointment with a client on Sunday morning and asked me to go with him, as he said he knows that I would worry if he went out alone. I just sat in the reception area of the client's office and read my book, but appreciated that he, once again, had me in mind when he planned something. I also wanted him to "entertain" me. But I wanted him to do all the planning. Not "should we go out for supper tonight?" I wanted him to announce that he has a surprise and I must get into the car, while assuring me that he has already made arrangements for the kids to be looked after. Once again, I wanted to feel he spent time thinking about me and planning romantic stuff. It is impossible to explain how hurt I was when I found out about my husband's affairs. How my self-worth took an immediate plunge. I was so scared that he didnt love me any more and wanted to leave me. Three months later, I still have to ask him to reassure me and tell me I am the only one for him etc etc. Intellectually I know he loves me, but emotionally I have doubts from time to time. I also thought that if he loved me for the last 19 years and that didnt stop him from having affairs, it would maybe not be the kind of love that I want. He had to explain the feelings he had for me as opposed to the others. I am working very hard on believing him. Perhaps your wife feels like I do?

I am new to this group - in fact, I registered just so that I can join in the discussion! My heart goes out to you! Allow me to tell my story: I have been married for 19 years and have 2 wonderful kids. I always thought that we had a pretty good marriage, in fact, we used to try and talk friends out of divorcing! Three months ago, I found out my husband had an affair. The machanics of exactly how I found out is not important. I confronted him and he confirmed that he had an affair which he broke off a month before that. He also confessed that he has been visiting prostitutes. I can not begin to describe the feelings I went through! But 3 months later I can see a pattern that I would like to describe to you as I have a feeling it will help. For the first month I CLUNG to him like I was going to drown! I wanted sex every night because that was the only way I felt that he could prove his love to me.... but every time we made love I cried, because I couldn't get the image of him with someone else out of my mind. I was so terrified that he would leave me - that he didn't love me any more! I obsessively checked his cell phone records and his credit card statements. I noted every call to every number on a big calendar (don't laugh, it was terrible!) I compared the calls with his credit card statements. Where did they meet? Where did they go? Did he buy her gifts? Did he phone me while he was with her? Did I phone him while he was with her? I can describe the questions as a ping-pong ball just bouncing and bouncing and bouncing in my head. I couldn't stop the thoughts of him with her. I cried at the most inappropriate times, I stopped eating. I asked myself what is wrong with me that he wants to have sex with someone else? I believed that everything must be my fault - that I drove him away! I obsessed about having to be the perfect wife so that he will not ever again want to stray.He told me that he wants to stay with me and that he loves me. I asked him to repeat that about 50 times a day!! But I couldn't believe him! He has an ongoing problem with depression and agreed to see someone. He says the shrink asked him if his wife knows how sorry he is? Checking his phone records showed that there were in fact two affairs. I confronted him and he confirmed that he was having two affairs at the same time, as well as seeing the prostitutes from time to time. My first reaction was where did he find the time for all this?? I had myself tested and found that I had both vaginal warts and some other STD. I also went for therapy and it has been very beneficial. (I must add here that it is not always easy to find the right therapist - and the wrong therapist will not help). She asked if I was angry. I couldn't tell her if I was or not. My heart was broken - that was all I was feeling. During the first month I felt very close to him - I felt that he was really making an effort. He would send me lovely messages on my cellphone. How sorry he is, how much he loves me etc etc. I think that was the honeymoon period - post-traumatic stress from both of us? The second month was very productive in terms of myself. I saw that I was terrified of abandonment (HUGE issues from my childhood) and would in fact do anything, consent to anything and tolerate anything just so that he wouldn't abandon me. I found myself retreating from him - I spent lots of time trying to work through my own issues. At the same time, he was very good with visiting his therapist and working on his own issues. I felt numbed by the whole sordid mess. I started asking WHY?? I could stay faithfull for 19 years. why couldn't he? I promised before God "For better, for wose etc", why couldn't he? I wanted to climb into a hole and bury myself, I was even thinking of suicide. I wanted to have my own affair - not because I wanted an affair, but because I wanted him to find out and feel my hurt (luckily I didn't). Then in the third month his therapist told him that he has strong narcissistic tendancies! Some of the things he did throughout our marriage suddenly made sense. He used both myself and the mistresses to satisfy his need for affirmation and adoration. If I didn't give him enough attention, he would go elsewhere! It was a huge relief on the one hand, but terrible on the other hand. How could I ever trust him in the future not to sleep around if I am not attentive enough? Now, for the first time, I am getting really angry. I didn't sleep around, so why should I feel guilty? He must prove to me that he still loves me, not the other way around. He must tell me I am pretty and sexy and all the things that I am not feeling because he rejected me by sleeping around. I told him yesterday that I am sure of my feelings towards him, but am thouroughly confused as to his love for me. He must earn my trust back, I dont have to feel guilty if I wonder where he is etc. I am still, and will be in the future, commited to my marriage and making sure that I do my best to make it work. I now see that although I contributed to the problems we had at the time, it was his choice to sleep around. It was NOT my fault. He could have talked to me and suggested counselling - which I gladly would have done. I can only tell you to hang on, maybe your marriage can't be saved. I am not 100% sure how I will feel in 6 months time - maybe by then I will want to leave him. Work on yourself, on your own self-image, let her solve her problems herself. You cannot carry her burden, you cannot make it easier for her to confront her issues - pain brings growth. Hopefully the growth you both experience will be towards each other, not apart. Your marriage will never be the same, but you may end up with a brand-new marriage - with the same woman!