Cheated and regret it...need some advice

[hurting30]

I am happily married for 8 years and have two wonderful children with my husband. We have had our problems, like any other couple but I took it too far. I became attracted to a married co-worker and after nearly a year of flirting and spending time together we had sex. I can't tell you how much I hate myself for doing this and wish that I could take it back. I don't think that I could ever tell my husband about this because it would crush him and I do love him and would hate to put him thru that. I think about this all of the time and it is truly killing me! I find myself becoming more distant from my family and they don't deserve this. I made a huge mistake and just want to get over it. To make matters worse, I believe my co-worker has been talking. I expressed my feelings to him and he knows that I was not happy about what we had done. He promised to keep it quiet and we have not talked about it. But I notice that other male co-workers treat me differently (more flirty with me) and I can't say or do anything about it. I really need some advice here...PLEASE HELP!

[princess81]

They say honesty will set you free!

What a load of crap.

I have been the cheater before never married though so it should be allot harder when I came clean it was horrible I was so scared but at the same time relieved like I didn't have this constant what if he finds out we lived together so he just got mad and left and came back a couple of day's later.

Everything changed there was the silent treatment then the sarcasm then there was the awkwardness of the questions who was it, why, was he better then me, do you love him, do you still think of him etc. or we would laugh and small talk end up having an intimate moment and then bam its over because all he can think about its you and him your sex life is none existent

then comes reality check time do we stay together and try to work it out and you realize that what you have done to this person is never really going to go away that no matter what this person is not going to forget even though they open their arms and forgive you.

You have to accept that you did this and you have to be strong their will be good day's and their will be bad days.

You have to gain trust little by little you gain that back and realize that it isn't just going to be given to you, you really have to work for it.

In the end it didn't work out for me I wasn't strong enough and I gave up I realize that what happened was my fault and it doesn't just end there what I did is gonna affect this person during their future relationships believe me I have been called and told how I constantly affect their life.

So my advise to you is this, this man deserves the truth right now the both of you are living a lie and you either tell him or you run the chance of him finding through someone else and when you do tell him realize what it really means and be ready to deal with the consequences of your actions after all you did this and no excuse or reason is going to change that fact.

 

I hope you guys can be strong enough and that your relationship can survive this god bless good luck.

[NJRon]

My suggestion, based upon what sounds like a serious mistake on your part and something that you don't wish to ever repeat... and also that it doesn't seem like you dislike you marriage... don't tell him. Go to counselling to deal with your anger at yourself. Make up a reason... but I would vent the frustration with a third party that won't be liable to talk to your husband. Also, if things get more uncomfortable at your office, you may think about changing jobs.

[Rain__man]

It sure sounds like you might want to change jobs regardless. Whether your man knows or not, that situation is just going to keep getting weirder and weirder.

 

I haven't been through a cheating experience on either end with anyone I particularly cared about, but my thoughts:

 

If I were the guy, I trusted and believed in you, and you did something you regretted and had no intention of repeating... I probably wouldn't want to know, honestly. Maybe a lot of guys will disagree with me here; I say if he ever asks, then he deserves to know, but until that happens, telling him is almost selfishness to relieve your own guilt. But that only goes if you really are committed to fixing your end of the issues and relationship deficiencies that even let you consider cheating in the first place.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I believe that someone who cheats should tell their partner otherwise they are living a lie with their partner and denying their partner the right to have all the information and make a choice. Infidelity is a big no no and I would certainly like to know right away if a partner cheated on me rather than find out at some later date and then think about the time span in between the cheating and finding out as a sham.

[bigredvick]

its better for you to tell him then for him to find out.

[maryr]

You make sure you are ready for the mess that will ensue. You have created a no win situation for yourself. But, you have also destroyed your other half. You will not be able to live with yourself without trying to clear the air. There are a lot of good books on this to help cope. He is going to be devestated. You betrayed him and with a co worker no less. Trust is gone and will take a long time to revive. I guess, you should keep your panties on unless you want to leave him, then you should leave FIRST! Whew, bad deal you did to your mate without a doubt. The guy is a scum bag for doing it with you too knowing you are married.

[yeawutever]

Well see, how can you be so sure that neither you nor your husband are at risk of catching a disease. I would suggest get tested first before you plan on whether to tell him or not. If you come clear and you really regret that you arne't planning doing it again, then don't say a word about it.

[jack_2020]

It is only natural that you feel distant from your family because deep inside -- you feel like you're living with a lie.

 

Nobody here can tell you the future, whether your husband will still love you..

 

Think of it like this, the ball is in your court. While your family is on the other side.

 

It will always be in your court, and in being so -- you will always feel that you're playing this game of life. Alone.

[waytoodown]

I have been cheated on by my current bf one year ago. I can tell you that I have yet to completely get over what he did, and we're not even married, so I can only imagine it being worst in your case. ( In our case, I wish he hadn't told me.)

My opinion is that if you can live with that lie ( as long as you don't plan on cheating on him again), then I would say don't tell him. Get a counsellor or something to help you deal with it. But if you really can't deal with the guilt, then tell him, because it will only make matters worst if you keep thinking about it and regretting it.

In the end, only know what's best to do.

[sillygurl]

I was cheated on, I found out when I went to my bfriend's place unannounced and there she was... It was terrible. It still is terrible. Every time I look at him (we're still together, I'm seeing other people, but it'll never be the same) I see her in his arms, picture the things they did...shudder! I don't trust him anymore, nor myself. I keep wondering what about her was better than me...do you want your husband to go through this? Can you handle him feeling about you the way I feel about my b/f? Don't tell him unless you can deal with the fact that things will never be the same about you in his head.

 

Do change jobs if you can, and do talk to someone, a counsellor, clergy person, whomever you can trust to deal with your guilty feelings and help you heal. If you decide you have to tell your husband, make sure you provide him with the necessary support-- like in a therapist's office, or somewhere where he will feel safe and be supported. Good luck

[pacopaco]

hi,

 

I can relate to your husband. My girlfriend of 7 years had an afair with her boss, three months after she started working there. This happened in February Your huband needs to know, really. it isn't fair what you did to him, and it isn't fair that he's living thinking everything is ok.

I also have the "was he better, he must be so charming and sincere." thoughts. I've never met the guy. if your husband doesn't know who this is, this'll mess him up, too. It's too bad you did what you did. it is a betrayal, and though he doesn't know it, things have changed in the world you both built.

for you, i suggest finding another job. my ex is still at her job. why she stayed, i don't know! Her boss is piling up a bunch of work on her, and he is manipulitive. she knows it now, but it's difficult. she said her work IS her life now because of it. you need to leave that place and cut all contact with anyone from that company. that is, if you want to be honest.

[doman]

Wow! What a tough position. Lots of good points on both sides. I just posted my story early today. My wife was going to keep two of the three guys a secrete...but it was eating her up. But then there were other variables such as the suicide of her best friend who was deeply invloved in the first act of infidelity.

 

The catch for my wife was that I was receiving anonymous emails from a "dogooder". At first, the anonymous email was from a fictious email account...but then, two weeks ago, it came from an email that was real, although the idenity was still a secret. For one week, I argued back and forth with that person, insisting that my wife had told me everything, and they were spreading rumors. I was wrong...they were right. It got back to my wife that I was receiving the email, despite my attempt to shiled her from the unnecessary burden...but then I thought she was innocent. She pretty much had to tell me. I was apparently the only person in town who didn't know...and it was just a matter of time.

 

But if you think you can keep it a secrete...and learn to deal with your own pain, then do so. I am glad that my wife is free of the burden of her secrete...as it really appeared to be killing her...with numerous suicidal comments. I had just htought she was really depressed over the death of her friend. Secretes a EVIL little things. If there is any chance that it IS going to come out, it probably will. Somebody will send him an anonymous email. And it will change things. It is too fresh for me to say things are going to get better, because right now, hardly a minutes goes buy that thoughts of her deceit don't run through my mind. I don't think she loves even though she says she does. And if she ever becomes so unhappy with me again, I fear she will do it again. But, as I shared in my original post...the worst part is that one of the guys was here in our new, fancy upstyle house!!! And we had only been in the new house for two months!

[butterflydreamer]

If you are truly sincere, leave your job, find another one, start to be true to your husband and family. Move on and hope he never finds out. But if he wants to know. Tell him.....

[yeawutever]

I was cheated on, I found out when I went to my bfriend's place unannounced and there she was... It was terrible. It still is terrible. Every time I look at him (we're still together, I'm seeing other people, but it'll never be the same) I see her in his arms, picture the things they did...shudder! I don't trust him anymore, nor myself. I keep wondering what about her was better than me...do you want your husband to go through this? Can you handle him feeling about you the way I feel about my b/f? Don't tell him unless you can deal with the fact that things will never be the same about you in his head.

 

Then why are you still with him, is it pity you feel?? It defiantely can't be "Oh b/c I love him", same overuse excuse?? Has he actual done things to prove himself to you??