5 weeks of NC and a date with the ex

[river dog]

Well, it's been a long haul and it's far from over but after two very encouraging meetings, one by chance and one set-up by me, and a couple of light texts in the last week, I decided to withdraw a little today as she comes into my valley Thursdays and Fridays.

 

She arrived as usual, started looking for me, asking a couple of people where I was. I had planned to be unobtainable tomorrow as well. So that gave me an idea, "she is crazy about me"

 

So I sent her a text this evening:

 

Me: "You were looking for me. Not home tomorrow. I want to see you. Coffee at 3:00pm"

Her: "Yes, but in the evening"

Me: "Be at xxx at 8pm"

Her but make it yyy instead"

 

This is her local bar but I want her on neutral ground. So 30 mins later...

 

Me we'll meet there first, see you soon"

 

So, that's it. I didn't ask her, I told her.

 

I got a date (result) she got her bar (not so great) but in the evening (much better) and on a dating night (even better).

 

It's not the perfect "let's back together" call others rave about but we didn't date that long and she gave me the ball back so many ways this week that I decided to push my luck.

 

It may well go pear-shaped as she is a complex girl, but we'll see. I am stronger and wiser.

 

I have 3 goals:

 

1. I have fun

2. She has fun

3. We want to do it again.

 

I'll let you know one way or the other. Wish me luck, people. I'll be thinking of you.

 

p.s. just after that I got a call for some work at a local F1 testing circuit I had been hoping for, so I take my car up there on Sunday for a spin and check it out. Man, I hope I can keep this positive thinking up.

[Scout]

By any chance were power struggles an issue while you two were together? If so, I don't see this text exchange as a good starting point for a *successful* reconcilation.

[jenny_mcs]

By any chance were power struggles an issue while you two were together? If so, I don't see this text exchange as a good starting point for a *successful* reconcilation.

 

Heh, this was my exact reaction to the original post.

[river dog]

By any chance were power struggles an issue while you two were together? If so, I don't see this text exchange as a good starting point for a *successful* reconcilation.

 

Good question, not really but I was a bit wussy before. I rolled over and she was fed up with my indecision. I was exploring new territory in a new language but I have been taking two classes a week for 8 weeks now.

 

May be academic but the Spanish are also not that polite, they hardly ever say please or apologise as I would. The English are always saying "please, thank you and I'm sorry". Got me nowhere in France either.

 

"I want to..." rather than "Would you like to..." is pretty standard around here, even "I love you" is commonly translated to "I want you".

 

If we get locked into a control/power struggle I will be too tired to bother with it after tomorrow, guaranteed.

 

Thanks for your concern.

[river dog]

You got me thinking so I had another look at my text - which were in Spanish and a literal translation is "You were asking for me?" "I have a desire to see you" "Want to meet for coffee 3:00pm?" Then the rest is the same.

 

So I did ask nicely, doh! I'm sorry. Oh no, I did it again.

[Scout]

If you are a naturally polite and gracious person, why should you change to woo another person? Maybe you weren't so much "wussy" as you just never felt entirely comfortable with her.

 

Trust me, when you meet the right person, you don't feel those insecurities. You don't feel like you're being walked over. You don't feel like you have to be "the King of the Jungle" to win her heart. You can be comfortable in your own skin. And that, more than anything, makes someone view you as assertive. Not neglecting to say please. Not ordering instead of asking.

 

I can tell you right now, by doing that it comes accross as an obvious ploy to appear as dominating and most women will be able to see right through that. And again, most of us don't want someone who is a dominating caveman. We just want a guy who is comfortable with himself, and thus, comfortable to be around. As I'm sure most men would prefer their women to be, for that matter.

[heloladies21]

Nah, I used to give the advice to do the kind of stuff that you're doing, but this kind of emotional game of cat and mouse solves nothing and is at best a temporary fix filled with lots of false hope which leads to another break up because the old issues haven't been solved.

 

Time to come clean and cut to the chase. No more wondering what her true intentions are, how to act on your next "date", if you're not able to just lay it all out on the table and tell her what you want and set the ultimatum that you two are either in a relationship or not, it will only make it tougher for you to get over it and waste a lot of your time and energy. Seen this happen way too many times in situations like yours.

[Scout]

Nah, I used to give the advice to do the kind of stuff that you're doing, but this kind of emotional game of cat and mouse solves nothing and is at best a temporary fix filled with lots of false hope which leads to another break up because the old issues haven't been solved.

 

Time to come clean and cut to the chase. No more wondering what her true intentions are, how to act on your next "date", if you're not able to just lay it all out on the table and tell her what you want and set the ultimatum that you two are either in a relationship or not, it will only make it tougher for you to get over it and waste a lot of your time and energy. Seen this happen way too many times in situations like yours.

 

I 100% agree with this. It will vastly simplify what will otherwise remain a gruelingly complicated, emotional turmoil for you.

 

Very, very well said, heloladies!

[river dog]

f you're not able to just lay it all out on the table and tell her what you want and set the ultimatum that you two are either in a relationship or not, it will only make it tougher for you to get over it and waste a lot of your time and energy.

 

Woah, there's an enticing plan. Can't think of a worse conversation. Imagine a woman saying that to you (a woman you have dumped, mind you) and you say. "Oh OK, I never thought of it like that. Now I have an ultimatum, I think I would like to be in a "relationship" with you after all."

 

I will, however, ask her what she wants out of life and a partner (not me particularly) because I am interested and next time I will tell her what I want. If I don't get the right answer, do I walk out? Since when did we have so many criteria, especially as the dumped?

 

But using that word "relationship" and you clearly don't have one.

 

You think that getting back with your ex should be an easy, a no effort kind of thing? Even though they, and you have many flaws.

 

They don't deserve some effort, some thought, some understanding, some bravery? Then they must stay an ex, until the next one. Will you honestly assess the next prospect with the same critical faculty you have acquired about your ex?

 

You don't feel like you have to be "the King of the Jungle" to win her heart.

 

I understand, I CANNOT be someone I am not, that is clearly impossible and anyway, I quite like me, just need to tone down the rolling on my back to get my tummy scratched thing

 

I love this girl, pretty easy to grasp. She is just a girl. Please don't patronise me with this "it should be no effort" stuff. Of course it should. Loving is work, every day.

 

I am 50 years old in October with a dead child behind me, a dead mother, a dead best friend (killed by a DUI) and 15 years of marriage to the most beautiful woman I ever loved and admired, whom I cannot bring myself to divorce because we both end up crying (after 5 years of separation). So loss is no stranger and I have talked about fear of loss way more than control for weeks. It is is significant and must be overcome or kill everything in me.

 

I also had many girlfriends before and since, all over the world. I am as experienced in love as most. I have a date with another woman next week as I do not intend to get exclusive with my ex, even if I had the chance. Not yet.

 

Those "no effort" girls can also break one's heart, but they can be soooo boring. I stuck around because that is what I thought I was supposed to do. It still hurt a lot.

 

I asked for your best wishes. I didn't get that. I did mention that it may well go pear-shaped but I'm willing to give it a go. Man, you guys piss me off more than my ex which gives me even more resolve.

 

Please, please Admin, merge this section into "Healing After Break Up or Divorce" because I was sold a dummy here.

 

I never hated an ex ever, it just hurt that's all, and this is one of the very few I ever chased.

 

So many rhetorical questions but I must now leave this forum, if you guys were around when Lazarus was raised from the dead you would probably have something to say about his character and whether he deserved it.

 

P.S. NC is not passive, it takes a lot of dignity and discipline and pain. At the end of your own timescale you will have moved on or you will still be loving them. Then you must make your call. Nothing ever happened for nothing.

 

P.P.S. I changed my Avatar and my signature - a PayPal payment if you can tell me what changed in both

 

I take my leave

[joyce1412]

aww...no, don't leave! that's so sad...

 

i'm sorry if any of us offended you. i remember posting to one of your threads, sort of being a naysayer like the others (it was in reference to your ex showing interest again i believe).

 

for the record, i saw your ex doing some of the same things mine did, and when he did those things he steamrolled my heart in the process. i felt like SUCH a fool. so when i saw your thread i thought, "nooooo! not him too!" so i posted what i posted, even though you are older and more experienced than i. i just think being led on SUCKS so i like to tell my story as a cautionary tale, which is what it is--simply cautionary.

 

i think some of the members here can be so severe because they, too, wanted to get back with their exes and it didn't work out, despite this or that, and they want to prevent you from making the same mistakes, suffering the same heartache, or having false hope. they are the ones who know how much it hurts when it doesn't go your way.

 

there are also a LOT of devil's advocates on here, who have their BS detectors on super high and feel the need to sound off. but i appreciate them for the most part. they have kept me strictly in reality when a lot of my friends were giving me this blindly optimistic, half-sincere stuff, like, "hey, maybe it'll work out! maybe you'll get back together!"

 

that said, i've been hurt--VERY hurt--by some users' negativity on this board, so i understand your frustration. anyhow, i hope you're not gone for good, i'd like to hear how things go for you.

 

and i agree...as a non-"no effort" girl, i think the effortless ones ARE boring!

[majord23]

Congrats river dog.

 

Your '3 point plan' is exactly how you should approach the date. Have fun and see what happens.

Keep us posted.

[shellshocked]

P.P.S. I changed my Avatar and my signature - a PayPal payment if you can tell me what changed in both

 

Is it the twinkle in your eye and the spring in your step?!?

Congrats and good luck on your date, dog!!

(i just felt like randy jackson when i said that.... )

 

see what happens when you started thinking

those positive thoughts...

 

keep it up..

it looks good on you...

[Scout]

River dog, I didn't mean to imply your reasons for choosing a more indirect method to reconcile with your ex was foolish. I understand when love is involved, things are a bit more complicated, and it can be difficult to take a simplified approach.

 

However, Joyce raised a point that I would echo here...so many of us have seen so many instances where folks try to reconcile with their exes and it just doesn't work. It just extends the break up, basically. I hate to be the voice of doom, but the statistics aren't exactly in our favor. So yeah, the motivation behind my advice is to spare you from prolonged pain. However, things could turn out quite differently with you and your ex. Nothing's impossible.

 

I do have to disagree with you that someone that takes no effort isn't worth it. In my experience, the more effort someone takes, a lot of positive energy - not to mention happy and secure moments - are pretty much drained away.

 

That being said, I do believe that our relationships require day to day work. But it should be for the most part, a joyful work. Not one that is largely marked by anxiety, uncertainty, and insecurity.

 

Nevertheless, I don't really know what led to your break up with this woman. Perhaps it does require some different approaches on your part. I do hope that you achieve the most positive outcome from this.