I'm Confused About What to Do

[kimber271]

Hello All,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together close to 4 years. It started out on the wrong note to begin with, but we worked through our problems, and were able to maintain a happy relationship.

 

He's always had a temper and is easily angered though. We can be having a perfectly normal time, he will be in a very kind a generous mood, then all of a sudden I'll say or do the wrong thing and I'm yelled at.

 

We have many problems, but I'll state the one that bothers me most. We haven't officially been exclusive for about 2 months now (his choice). We still see each other every weekend, but he's been on dating sights, and who knows what else in the mean time.

When we have problems, I'll get the silent treatment for days. He's probably called me every degrading name out of anger imagineable, but afterwards, he is sorry and treats me so well. It's messing up my head and mentality, and he does it with such ease. I can't even ignore him for an hour!

 

The frustrating thing is he's acting like he doesn't care lately. He won't call me all day if I don't make an effort, he ignores me if I say ANYTHING he doesn't like, EVEN if I apologize.

he's ignoring me right now, and I didn't even do anything to piss him off, I just texd him to see if he wanted to go to the gym. How is someone capable of being a gentleman one minute, then treating his "girlfriend" like she doesn't even exist the next.

 

I guess I'm just asking everyones help and support in leaving him. This hurts too much. He gets upset SO easy, he ignores me for hours OR days, and it's becoming too much. I don't live with him, but he was basically my life for 4 years. Please help, Im weak, but know I need out.

[NJRon]

Welcome to ENA, sorry about your predicament.

 

It sounds to me that you two broke up about 2 months ago. If you were together exclusively for nearly 4 years, then you don't suddenly decide to be un-exclusive. That's known as a break up. You are still making yourself available to him while he is free to do whatever he wants.

 

I know how tough it is to leave someone that you have been with so long. But, he's already left you. All you need to do is keep him from coming back.

[kimber271]

Thank you for your reply. We had such a great weekend together, he told me he took all his online profiles down, then come yesterday, he doesn't even call me. I text him this morning to see if he wanted to get together, work out and get lunch, and he hasn't answered in over 2 hours.

 

I'm so hurt right now. I'm writing him an email asking him how we could have had such a great weekend then do this. Why I even stay with a man who ignores me, cusses at me in anger, and is bothered by EVERYTHING I do, is something I need to figure out.

 

Should I send that email or just move on with no further word, since he has always been able to ignore me with no pain on his part. How can someone be like that? I've had my problems, but I'm not an abusive person, I haven't even told him to shut up or cussed at him once in our whole relationship, yet he does it to me so much.

[NJRon]

No... don't send the email. Don't look to him for what *he* wants. You know what *you* want. You want a relationship with someone who loves you. A person who loves you places your needs at least equal to their own. He is not doing that and hasn't been for a while (if ever, considering your description of his abusive behavior).

 

Write your thoughts out... but don't share them with him. He lost that right when he decided he didn't want to be with you anymore.

 

You need to look to yourself. You need to be unavailable to him. Stand firm and break it off. Don't allow him to play the field. And, for your own sake, move on. If he has done this once, no matter what he says, it will happen again. This is a broken relationship and there are men out there that will treat you with much more respect.

[kimber271]

NJ Ron- Great idea about writing the email out, yet not sending it. You're right, I need to be unavailable to him, and not let him think the way he treated me was ok. He finally texd me back, but I'm just not going to answer it.

Thank you.

[kimber271]

Well, after 2 hours, he texd me back and just said "yea." I had asked him if he was going to the gym, and maybe I wanted to go with him.

I texd him back, just so he would know i wasn't coming. I told him there was too much traffic, so I would just go to the gym near me. He never texd me back. Why does this bother me so much. I feel like emailing him right now and asking him WHY he feels the need to not even give me a response back, and act like I don't even matter. Am I overreacting at him either not responding, or responding 2 hours later to my text. He is busy since he works at home, but I know he checks his phone a lot.

 

 

I wish I had the backbone to not look back and realize what a jerk he is, but I'm having a really hard time.

[Meow18]

It's not just about this situation. As a whole, he's a jerky boyfriend.

 

And I agree about not sending that email. You don't need to ask him why you are staying with a jerk. That's something that only you can answer for yourself.

 

But about leaving him. I think you are very strong for realizing that you deserve better, cause you do! Leaving him will be hard and painful, but sometimes the things that are good for you aren't always easy at first.

 

I think you need to sit him down, unless you think he might get too upset and mad, and just explain to him how you feel.

 

And like NJRon said, you don't be with someone for 4 years and suddenly want to be unexclusive. It just sounds to me like he wants you and others on the side. How disrespectful..

 

But you know, we will always support you. If you ever need anything, you know where to go!

[kimber271]

Thanks for the support. I've tried many times to sit him down and tell him he either needs to treat me like his girlfriend and not disprespect me by ignoring me, going online for women, etc. It's not like I'm nagging him at all, but what he is doing kills me, and I try and communicate and tell him so. He won't hear of it. He just says I'm always 'creating' a problem, he loves me, or else he'll ignore me.

 

There's no reasoning with him, and I guess ive just become so used to him ignoring me, then calling me days later and the situations forgotten. It's awful, I'm not denying I have a choice in leaving, but it's SO hard because I always think of his sweet and kind side when I want to leave.

 

I do have to remember that if he can curse at me, ignore me, and treat me with so much disrespect, it's not me that is causing him this anger. He will treat any person that has a relationship with him in this same manner, and I have to leave.

 

I'm in my early 20's, yet I feel I will never find anyone. My whole life pretty much revolved around him, but I do hope it's a feeling that will go away with time. Thanks for the support

[NJRon]

It is a feeling that will go away with time. Even better though... you can spend some time building a life that *doesn't* have someone else intertwined with it. It can be all your own.

 

I do hope you have actually sat him down and said, "It's over." period... It doesn't sound like you have made it final to him yet.

[kimber271]

I wish I could have a civil conversation like that with this man, but he doesn't allow it. If I sit him down and tell him it's over, he either would laugh at me, yell at me, or say, "fine, go then." I did that once, and he got in a rage and opened the door and literally pushed me out.

 

I don't think he handles situations or relationships in a normal way, and I'm seeing that even clearer now that I'm going back on the course of the relationship. He is ignoring me today for no reason, he acts as if I'm not even existent to him.....

 

Tell me if this is wrong, but IF and when he finally gets lonely or decides to call, should I just text him or email him and say I'm not going to settle for what you are giving me. I know there is something going on, he's just not telling me. Whatever the reason for his non caring attitude, it's showing no respect for me, and I don't really know how to cut it off except to just not respond to him anymore. I could be wrong, but thats seems the easiest way.

[NJRon]

Actually, I would think the easiest way is to flat out say something like, "Since we last talked, I have had a lot of time to think. I don't want to be in a relationship with you. It's time for us to go our separate ways. It's over." And then enter NC.

 

You do need to do something to "finalize" it. Just fading away isn't going to work... he'll just keep trying to get ahold of you until you come back. By telling him it is over, at least he will know why you aren't wanting to communicate. The reason why he laughed last time is that he didn't believe you... and rightly so. Now.. .do it one last time. This time though, make sure he believe you by never talking to him again. He has a serious attitude problem.

[kimber271]

Good advice, and I will take heed to it.

He is a cruel jerk and I need to keep thinking that and remembering all the cruel things he did to me. Once again, I'm not saying I was a perfect girlfriend, but I loved him so much, as much as I could, and he knew I would do anything for him. Maybe that's what he's taking advantage of.

All the same, I know what I need to do. I read somewhere on this forum that many women have left men for much less. I need to be one of those strong women again who won't allow a man with a huge anger problem, who ignores me all the time, to control me anymore. He was basically my routine for 4 years, but I've been reading on this forum how many people have left much longer relationships, and have never felt better. Well, all I need to do now is finally end it. He probably won't even care. He won't have to hide anything now, because it won't matter.

Sorry, guess I need to vent, but thank you to everyone who has replied.

[NJRon]

He's abusive. He is in control of you and is able to come and go as he pleases. Believe me, once he feels that control slip, he's not going to just let it go and act like he doesn't care. Be prepared for a struggle here as he pulls out every sneaky trick he can to get you to stay uunder his control.

 

Read about other women who have broken off abusive relationships. What they have gone through, etc.

 

Once you take the control back, you will feel a great sense of empowerment. You will start to feel new, good things that you didn't even know you were missing out on.

[kimber271]

I'm prepared for anything at this point. I just hope he ignores me for a while longer, maybe a week or so, so I can gain some strength. I know that sounds silly, but I am weak right now.

Your advice has been very helpful

[Momene]

We're right here if you need us. Sorry I took so long but I've been busy