What do you do if you can't find someone..

[n83]

I haven't found anyone I'm interested in dating. I am SUPER picky about what I want in a partner, and I'm starting to feel like I will never find someone because of this... In the meantime, as "slutty" as it may sound, I just want to have flings. Frankly, I'm in need of affection, and I have no other way to get it at this point because a meaningful relationship is not on the horizon. Of course, I don't want to just have meaningless sex, but I'm totally at a loss as to what else my options are. I have very few opportunities to meet men, but I do have a few potential one-nighters that wouldn't make me feel like crap about myself if I did choose to have a fling with them...

 

Any insights?

[Beec]

OK, divide the duties up between different people.

 

Find some to date casually. Go to dinner, a movie, drinks whatever, limit the sexual activities. If something comes of it great, if not, five dates max, and get rid of them. After two dates, cutting the ties becomes increasingly difficult. After five dates, you are in a relationship, in most cases.

 

Also, look for a person who serves as the stand in, a friend, someone to take to places like weddings, etc., who is a friend, is treated as a date at events, but with whom you both know you can look while together.

 

Finally, find one person, at a time, to enjoy something sexual. My recommendation would be to keep sexual intercourse out. When I've done everything but, the fling has worked better. Pick someone who is defintiely not long term relationship material and for whom you are not relationship material. My longest term, easiest one we had religious differences. So, we knew it was not a longterm deal. The more infrequent you make it, the longer it will last. So keep it to once a week, MAX, once every two weeks is better. Be friends, have fun, and be discrete. No one else should know, so picking someone from a couple towns away is good.

[shes2smart]

If satisfying a need for physical touch is part of your goal here, see a licensed massage therapist.

 

It's easy to get a desire to be touched mixed up with a sexual desire, but they're not necessarily the same thing. Sometimes the non-sexual touch that is part & parcel of professional massage can keep one sated during a sexual dry spell.

 

Now, if you're just lookin' to get laid...well, an LMT isn't gonna help with that...but if you are open to the idea of breaking down what you want into its components and seeing if satisfying some of the components can effectively sate your appetite until such time as you find an appropriate sex partner, you might find that money spent on an LMT is well-spent.

 

I've never felt "icky" after having a session with an LMT. I have had sexual encounters that left me feeling "icky" afterwards, though.....

[ImThatGirl]

 

 

I am a little picky myself. I think my family was sure I'd be single forever this time as it's been 2 years since the last time I was in a serious relationship.

 

For me, I loved the feeling of "being important" to someone, even if it was only during a fling. I knew that I couldn't put my feelings out there - I wasn't strong enough to take the chance of a heartbreak. So I realized I was picking people that I knew for a fact, I would not fall for.

 

I took a break - I realized the pattern I was repeating. I wasn't happy with it. I took a break - no serious dating and definitely no "flings." I'd go out with friends of the opposite sex for dinner but nothing more. I got to the point that I valued myself more and realized that I deserved more than flings.

 

After that very, very long break, I found more peace than I've known for a very long time. And I found someone. Someone that offers everything I ever wanted - someone I thought I'd never find.

 

Take a break, Sweetie. Do some soul searching. If you have your time wrapped up in flings, you won't have time to know yourself or meet someone you will be interested in.

[n83]

Beec - I do have various friends for various things.. this was not done purposely but seems to have become the way things are with me right now... I have this one friend (male) who is like.. my pseudo date every time I go out with couples, but damn, I'm sick of that.

 

Shes2Smart - I don't know what I'm looking for more, physical/emotional affection or ... well, sex.

[n83]

I took a break - I realized the pattern I was repeating. I wasn't happy with it. I took a break - no serious dating and definitely no "flings."

 

Definitely girl I stopped getting into relationships because I was just getting into ones with dysfunctional men and that scared me a lot... I don't know how or why I attract these guys ... I did take a long break, about 2 years with no dating/sex/anything whatsoever just to try to figure myself out, at the end of it though... all I ended up having was flings, not relationships.

 

Susser - Yes I am definitely scared, but I am definitely picky too! I swear, it isn't just an excuse. I would never date someone who uses/abuses drugs or alcohol, who lies or cheats, isn't independent and ambitious... and yet, the guys I am meeting have serious problems in one or all of these areas.. so why date them? I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with the wrong guy just for the sake of being in a relationship. I know what I want and I am terrified, yes, but I feel I would be willing to give it a chance if the guy had the right "problems" that were compatible with mine.. NOT DRUG USE!!!!

[friscodj]

What is your definition of "picky"?

[ImThatGirl]

My family said I was picky. I like to refer to it as I have standards.

 

No drinking, no drugs, must be motivated, must have job, must have goals in life, must take care of self and be independent but willing and want a real relationship that may move forward.

 

I don't think that's too many.

 

n83 - I have dated so many people that were not my type. LOL - Went on a date once with someone that I eventually learned had spent time in prison for armed robbery. One guy showered me with compliments and acted like he wanted a relationship and I learned he will probably never be in a relationship because he is so selfish. One guy told me he had a job and called me supposedly from jobs, also always called me from pay phones and was well just too needy and didn't have a job. Another guy was a police officer and began questioning whether I was an affectionate person after the first date.

 

There were also the guys that I thought I'd fall in love with and be with forever yet they had other plans.

 

After my break, I could barely imagine being affectionate with someone. I refused to kiss someone even on a first date because I feared they'd become attached. lol

 

I honestly thought I'd maybe end up single forever. And then there was J - my boyfriend. For awhile, he was the perfect guy that I had dreamed of finding. Then he broke the news (after 2 months of dating) that his ex from April is pregnant and most likely with his child. I'm still adjusting to that. But the point I want to make is that when you find someone that is right, you will be able to overlook some things - able to accept things that you'd maybe not expect to accept.

 

After I moved closer to work (with my kids) and finished an associates degree, I made my next goal to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Heck, I drove for 2 hrs a day, worked full time, took care of my kids, and went to school 2 evenings a week and accomplished the move and school. So finding someone to be with couldn't possibly be impossible. I made a decision to let my guards down and let someone get to know me. Maybe I got lucky (blessed) but I think if we put off a vibe that we are scared, unemotional, untouchable, and a fun girl, we get fun times and nothing more.

 

Not sure what you think about prayer; I believe yet I don't practice (should.) I prayed, and prayed, and prayed for guidance on letting someone in my life to share with and finding the right person. It finally happened.

[friscodj]

In my mind, there is a fine line between "having standards" and being "restrictevly particular" or even snobbish.

 

I think to say something to the effect of, "I want a guy who generally has his life together, is happy with his life and wants to share it with someone, we're in similar stages in life, he treats people well, treats me well, and is a good guy", that is fair.

 

Now to say things like, "He has to be taller than X, make more money than Y, be between W and Z years old, he must be well-traveled, speak at least 2 languages, have dark skin..." You get the point... I actually know someone who thinks like this and it drives me nuts...

 

There should be a few hard rules, like no drugs, heavy drinking, incurable and contagious STDs, been committed to mental institutions, etc. but for the most part, when I've given relationships with people chances I didn't initially think would go anywhere, I was pleasantly surprised...

[n83]

Hey guys, thanks for your input..

 

I'mThatGirl - Wow, you sound just like me... tons of bad, BAD experiences with dating.. I hate to admit it but after almost 10 years of dating, I have never been in love, never had a good relationship.. glad someone at least gets what I'm saying tho

 

Frisco - I don't think my standards go THAT far.. but I would definitely prefer someone who's been to college, who has goals and is motivated, and who is kind and loving (and faithful). This might be horrendously snotty to some people but I can't help my preferences.. because I don't want to have to "take care" of anyone else like I've had to in the past. I mean, my son's dad has no motivation to go anywhere in his life.. he's a terrific father, but he can't even afford a small one bedroom where we live, and where we live isn't even that expensive!! I've urged him to try to go back to school because I'm terrified that if something happens to me, he won't be able to provide at all for our son. I just don't want to have to constantly nag someone to try to improve their situation... I want someone who's already stable without me, and chooses to have me as part of their life.

 

Overall I think I'm just not finding people that are at the same stage as I am.. I'm young (23) but I am not into partying, I work extremely hard in school, and I jump at every opportunity I have been given.

[friscodj]

I want someone who's already stable without me, and chooses to have me as part of their life.

 

And this is so key! I think you have a good perspective on things and think you are on the right track...it is only a matter of time before you find happiness and fulfillment in a relationship...

[shes2smart]

Shes2Smart - I don't know what I'm looking for more, physical/emotional affection or ... well, sex.

 

Nothing wrong with any of that. Also nothing wrong with not knowing right now.

 

I'm all for a little pampering every now & then. If you treat yourself well, others tend to follow suit.

 

I've been a regular at the LMT for the past 10-12 years...generally every 2-3 weeks. It really did take the edge off what I call "skin hunger" during those dry spells when I was single....even though reputable professional massage is very definitely non-sexual touch.

 

If you've got the $$, it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. If you can't afford someone at a salon or their own practice, see if there's a massage school where you live. Massage students need to practice on live humans, and the schools generally offer discounted rates so the students can learn.

[n83]

And this is so key! I think you have a good perspective on things and think you are on the right track...it is only a matter of time before you find happiness and fulfillment in a relationship...

 

Thanks Frisco .. In the past, I definitely confused neediness/clinginess with love.. which many people have problems with, unfortunately.. I just wish I knew guys that were in the same place as me, but I just don't (and like I said earlier, I don't party much so opportunities to meet people are limited...) Most men my age are enjoying partying/clubbing/enjoying being young/etc.. Not like there's anything wrong with that, but I tried dating a few guys that were like that and it was exhausting for me trying to keep up! I don't think I'm going to meet anyone worth a relationship for a long, loooong time, and that makes me very, very sad.. Part of me is wondering whether it'll even happen EVER..

 

Something else that's kind of annoying.. I keep meeting great guys that I would definitely consider dating... but they live in another state! That's so *not* cool.

[n83]

shes2smart - that's an interesting idea.. maybe I will try to find someone who's training so it's more affordable... I could definitely use a regular massage

[Beec]

Beec - I do have various friends for various things.. this was not done purposely but seems to have become the way things are with me right now... I have this one friend (male) who is like.. my pseudo date every time I go out with couples, but damn, I'm sick of that.

 

Shes2Smart - I don't know what I'm looking for more, physical/emotional affection or ... well, sex.

 

So, you have one guy to handle that portion of "the duty". You did not seek him out for that purpose, but now you seek out other men to fill in where he cannot. You just don't know what areas you really want filled in.

 

With regard to dating, I would not be picky at all. With regard to who I mihgt go out on a second or third date, I would be pickier. With rgeard to who I am out on a fifth or sixth date, I am much pickier. A woman won't make it to a fifth or sixth date if I see no chance for a relationship that I WANT to be in forever. So long as it remains possible, a "next" date is possible. My criteria is very broad for a first date and narrows really quickly, or it did when I was single. The first dates I viewed as borderline, I also saw as good practice. And they were. If you put relationship criteria on for a firsat date, you are probably being too picky.

 

In any event, only see those who demonstrate respect for you.

[blemished]

I think I'll be ready to lightly date again soon. But I can't find anyone who sounds remotely interesting. I've been on 5 dates with 5 different men and I was not interested in any of them. And THEY were much better than other potential dates (which I turned down). Aside from the bar/club scene (which is not my style), how DO you meet people nowadays?

 

Edited to add: I end up going on eBay and buying something instead-- because at least I know I am getting what I want! Dating is like not getting what you want...over and over again.

[Beec]

Dating is like not getting what you want...over and over again.

 

Dating is an investigation. You try lots and lots of samples, and, hopefully, you only buy once, or once more.

[Shadow25]

well, if you look anything like the woman in your picture (who I assume is Milla Jovavich) I wouldnt mind having a FLING at all,

 

I'm sure there are plenty of places out there you can meet new people, go around to shops and stores looking for guys, there will be plenty, especially in fast food resteraunts like McDonalds...although the people who go there are probably really fat slobs anyway who claim to be getting healthier but are infact making themselves worse by eating that crap.

 

Anyway, good luck with finding the right guy/guys, i'm sure someone as lovely as you will find one soon.

 

How about you tell us what you do, you say you arent much of a party person (I can relate), do you work? you know...have a JOB? where you see people all the time, and see lots of guys all the time, do you get out of your house much? or do you sit at your computer?

Or do you actually get out heaps, and do alot with your life? meeting heaps of men and other people?

 

I myself am like a guy who is more indoors than outdoors...but yet I LOVE the outdoors, I've been looking for work that is higher up and needs more work experience, so I havent had a job yet, but right now..I mean today, I may just get myself in the running for a job at a fast food resteraunt called Red Rooster, I don't party, all I do is martial arts, tuesday arvo, all day thursday, and late afternoon friday, I meet people then, but I meet the same people over and over..except thursday, because when I go to grab lunch, I see lots of people, lots of beautiful women that I could simply approach and introduce myself to...I'm sure they'd be interested...but I'm just too shy to do anything about them.

 

Anyway, what I'm saying is that even if you are a bit of a person who stays indoors alot, you can still get out for say 30 minutes a WEEK, and you'll meet sooooooooooooooooooooooo many people, and in your case, you can meet soooooooooooooo many guys who would be interested in meeting you, but they are just like me, they are shy, they don't want to approach someone like you, because they are scared of looking stupid.

So approach them.

 

I hope all goes well with this thing, you'll find the right guy eventually, I know you will

[Cardinal]

How good are you at picking out nice guys? Maybe approach some guys in perhaps an academic setting. Or career professionals who have already demonstated drive and motivation for success? Maybe someone in the corporate environment or medical field.

 

More straightlaced men will be less likely to abuse alcohol or even consider drug use. There are plenty of men who have no interest in recreational drugs. That should be easy to find. I think maybe you are looking in the wrong crowd.

 

Get to know some of the shy guys. You might be surprised at what you find.