Why does life always kick you when you're down?

[Aulsihceira]

I wish I knew the answer, because then I'd have a chance to find my way around it. My life sucks, plain and simple. Why? Well, there's a lot of reasons, I'll name a few….

 

For as long as I remember, I've always been depressed. I don't really know why. When you fall off the horse, you're supposed to pick yourself up and get back in the saddle. Why is this so hard for me? I'm an extremely "hyper-sensitive" person in the sense that I get hurt easily-- physically, emotionally, mentally. Which is rather odd as my whole family tends to be emotionally withdrawn. I don't think some people realize what this can do to a person, never having any sort of bond or contact with the people closest to you. It hurts. I hurt.

 

Now, I don't know if my family's drug addictions has anything to do with it. It probably does, but I just don't care about it anymore. I've been around drugs my whole life, and it's getting harder and harder to resist. How the hell do you get away from something that is always around you and it's all you know? Addictions run in my family, from alcohol to gambling to drugs. It never goes away and I am terrified that I will end up like the rest of my family…. Addicted to some drug or other substance. I will not let myself end up like them. I will not become the one thing I loathe. But as my spirit begins to break, I fear it is beginning to seem like a solution to all my problems and heartache.

 

I feel I should also tell you that 10 months ago, back in November, I stopped going to school. I just stopped going. I couldn't handle the stress anymore. I have always hated school. Since I first started going I've hated it. Back in elementary school, things were easier, yes. But I still hated being there. Junior high is where things started getting really bad for me and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I often missed about a day of school a week, and that gradually started to increase. And in high school, I cracked. I don't know why I hate school, I mean, I love learning. But being there was just something that wore me down and caused a huge stress in my life. I can't be in a place where everyone expects me to fail and stresses me out to the point where Im physically sick. It's like working at a dead-end job that you absolutely hate and going home feeling like [insert a word that's going to be bleeped out It doesn't matter who you are, being in a situation like that long enough will break you.

 

Now, to the part where life kicks me once more. My dad has recently gotten sick and the doctors don't know what's wrong with him. He can't breathe, so he's on an oxygen tank and can't work. No work equals no money. His job pays nothing but peanuts that was spent on drugs anyway so it doesn't make much of a difference. until you factor in the fact that my mother has no job, refuses to get a job, and refuses to go out and apply for financial assistance, food stamps, etc. Now, there is a valid reason she stopped working at her last job, but she is being incredibly selfish now. She only cares about her self and doesn't care that her family is suffering.

 

I got into a fight with her earlier today when I asked her to go out and apply for food stamps. We have no money and no food in the house, and she refused to do it and said she doesn't care. When I told her she was selfish and didn't care if the rest of us die she laughed! She laughed!!. I cant believe that woman! How could I possibly related to such a cold-hearted woman?

 

Like I said, my life sucks. Sometimes I wonder if ending my life would solve all my problems. But I don't have the strength to do that. Whether that's a good or bad thing is left up to interpretation.

 

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Im sorry for the length of this post. I tryed not to carry on too much. I've been lurking these forums for about 3 years now, and decided it was time to post.

 

With hope,

 

Amber

[kellbell]

Hi Amber!

 

Welcome to eNotAlone. You have been dealt some really tough hands. But I have to say, although you are no longer in school, your writing is very clear and concise. You are a very smart young lady. I know it will be hard for you but the first thought that came into my mind reading your post is that I encourage you to go back to school. It is a way to keep yourself busy, keeps your mind occupied and because I strongly feel you are very bright, you can work towards scholarships towards college.

 

In your post, you are making a wise conscience decision NOT to end up like your parents and the first step to make sure that does not happen is getting your education. Also, in school, there are guidence counselors and so forth that you may be able to talk to about your feelings of depression.

 

I know at 15, your opportunties of getting a job is limited but perhaps babysitting, getting a paper route, and the like can help you have some cash on you. I know this sounds like a lot but I keep thinking the best way for you to get out of this and not become like your parents is helping yourself, keeping yourself busy and taking the necessary measures to keep your head above water.

 

Is there any other family members around you can talk to or stay with when things get really rough, or a friend you trust? I am really sorry about your dad. That must be tough. You are a very strong and brave young lady, I can tell in your post. Post here as often as you need, we are here to help and listen.

 

 

((((BIG HUGS))))

[tiger_lily57]

You need to go talk to child protective services, I so sorry that you feel the way you do.. But you need to get out of there. You might have a chance if you could get a better environment. You are only 15 so you have some time to change things, but you are the one who has to do it. Life can be wonderful and beauitful, trust me I have been where you are now. I thought the same way you do... But first you need to get out of that box that you are in. That is the first goal... Then go from there. DRUGS ARE NOT THE ANSWER, THEY LIE TO YOU AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE THINGS NOT ARE NOT REAL... YOU can talk to me any time you want, I will listen.

[robowarrior]

There's nothing in this universe that can make you happy exept loving and helping other people, this is the meaning of life. You have to act like a castle, letting the good things and good people pass thru the drawbridge, and pull it up against bad things and bad people. You need to love,support believe in yourself because no one is going to do that for you, if you don't support yourself who will? Well there are people who do love,support, and believe in you ME lol ,and i want you to find support here. Because Enotalone provides a family that DOES care for you.

 

Basically its like this, you CAN survive life without school, but i dare say no one on enotalone would recommend such. However you have so much rubbish going on in your personal life. You definitly need to make a very logical plan , basically it comes down to this. If you can't depend on others (your dad,your mom and what not) you have to depend on yourself. There's jobs for everyone even a 15 year old can get a job easily if she really wants to. I know your in a difficult position, but you have to learn that you have to earn what you receive in life. Your family needs help, you need help. It all comes down to bringing love and light back into the family based on a strict logical set of rules within the house, which is primairly used to keep everything together from falling apart.

[TheRedQueen]

Hi Amber

 

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, and though I am 24 now, I went through a very similar experience, I however ended up breaking at 17 and lost several years because of it. Please, please PM me and we could talk in depth if you would like. From my experience I've found that it gets much worse before it gets better, but guess what Amber, and I stand here as living proof, that it does in fact get better. Please PM me I'd love to help.

[Aulsihceira]

I'd like to thank you all for the advice.

 

I know going back to school would be a step in the right direction, however, at this time, Im not sure im in the right state of mind to take on all the responsibility again. Theres no way I'd be able to concentrate. I know Im probably just making excuses, but I truly feel Im no ready for it. Not yet.

 

At 15, there's not many employers looking to hire an inexperienced teenager. As for babysitting and such, Im not sure. You see, Im terribly shy and not so sure if I have what it takes to look after someone besides myself. I can barely do that right.

 

I do have family I could go stay with, Im just not sure if they would want me with them. I'll think about it though. As for friends, well, I don't really have much of those. Besides the fact that Im somewhat of a loner, most teens my age tend to be immature and wouldn't be much help. It's a thought, though.

 

Tiger_lily57,

 

Believe me, I have thought about that many times before. Separating yourself from your family at any age has to be one of the hardest things a person can go through. They're not much, but they're+ the only family I have. And im not sure I can turn my back on them.

 

robowarrior,

 

I like your analogy of being a castle. It makes perfect sense. I know I need love and support. Its what my heart longs for, and I hope someday, preferably in the near future, I can find what Im looking for.

 

Theredqueen,

 

The fact that you made it through a situation similar to mine inspires me. I just might take you up on that offer to talk.

 

 

 

 

Im having a major power struggle within. But I do believe it's a cause worth fighting for.

[TheRedQueen]

Please do Amber!