Over-reacting to clothing?

[CarnelianButterfly]

This all sounds like just a passive aggressive way to control her. She may not be showing off, its summer, its hot, skin exposure helps cool the body.

 

You should looking into seeing a counselor, you aren't going to be able to change these issues on your own, you sound like you have some serious problems beyond just t-shirts and skin.

 

Did you ever think she's wearing them for you?

[melrich]

But if I knew before and didn't get mad... why is my mind just suddenly now wnating me to push this issue? I don't understand me and I wish I could change.

 

Because you are insecure in the relationship. That is understandable if you have had bad experiences in the past as you have.

 

But you have to recognise that it is your issue not hers. So you have to work hard to say, I am not going to let these insecurities intrude on my relationship.

 

Who knows if this one will work out for you. If she will cheat or not. No one knows that going into any relationship.

 

The only thing I can tell you is that bad things won't happen because of her clothes.

[annie24]

I just wanted to add - a woman's clothing - or lack therof, are not indicative of her morals or propensity to cheat.

[Azual]

This all sounds like just a passive aggressive way to control her. She may not be showing off, its summer, its hot, skin exposure helps cool the body.

 

You should looking into seeing a counselor, you aren't going to be able to change these issues on your own, you sound like you have some serious problems beyond just t-shirts and skin.

 

Did you ever think she's wearing them for you?

 

Nah, I know I can do this (I've changed things before) and I'd rather give it a shot solo. I think it was just because when I was on the phone with her I got heated because my parents wouldn't quit yelling at me and she kept getting distracted by work and family and wouldn't listen to anyhting I was saying half the time (which wasn't all about clothing, it was about what was goin on and how she was feeling about her day and all)... then it moved to shirts when I was putting clothes away.

 

Guess it was just a kind of a heat of the moment kind of thing and the clothing was there and yeah... But after listening to some close friends online and reading all this here, I realize it was pretty petty.

 

If the solo thing doesn't work I'll listen to you more and see a coucillor.

 

And no that thought never crossed my mind in the middle of the argument and she never brought it up. But now that I think about it... Hmm

 

Just now that I look at it, I know I seemed childish there. Wish I could take it back but I can't. So I'll make it up to her

 

I want her to know I'm sorry. And I can't blame anyone but myself for this (I have grown up around domestic violence for most of my life and said I wouldn't be like that) yet here I am...

 

So make it up to her by 12 red roses, a card, a kiss, and a sorry? And please note, I had the Roses thing in my mind for quite a while, it's just a coincidence (swear to God) that my dad isn't working tomorrow and can give me a ride to I can pick them up (I didn't want them dying overnight because dead roses does you no good).

[itsallgrand]

Azual,

 

I would advise against the roses, card, and apology. Simply stop doing it and let it be. Give the roses to your mom or something.

 

Also, please reconsider the idea of a councillor or therapist. You're not crazy or anything, but I think it would be very helpful for you to speed along in accomplishing what you are trying to do on your own.

 

I believe your heart is in the right place. Still, growing up around domestic violence lingers until it is dealt with. And it can escalate. I speak from my own personal experience here: you are already displaying the cycle in this relationship.

 

Just consider it. Take care.

[Azual]

Azual,

 

I would advise against the roses, card, and apology. Simply stop doing it and let it be. Give the roses to your mom or something.

 

Also, please reconsider the idea of a councillor or therapist. You're not crazy or anything, but I think it would be very helpful for you to speed along in accomplishing what you are trying to do on your own.

 

I believe your heart is in the right place. Still, growing up around domestic violence lingers until it is dealt with. And it can escalate. I speak from my own personal experience here: you are already displaying the cycle in this relationship.

 

Just consider it. Take care.

 

Well all I'm saying with the flowers and the card is that I've had this thought up for a long time. And it just happened to be tonight I'd get into an argument and tomorrow my dad can drive me... sheesh. The Fates aren't kind to me.

 

And honestly, I'm never folding my own clothing again, I swear it. Bad time to be folding clothing when that's something my mind obviously had on it and with the being yelled at by parents, her getting constantly distracted. Bad time to do clothing things.

 

And if it escalates, I promise I'll see one, but I've managed to hold on this long, and I'd like to see what I can do. I'd never hit her (I've never hit a girl in my life, cept maybe my sisters but that was in play) and I'd rather shoot myself than hurt a woman like that.

 

Thank you all for your advice. Like I said, now that I've had a chance to think about it, I know I hurt her with it, and it was a childish petty thing to do. But I can't back out on the roses. I don't know when I'm gettin another chance.

 

I know it's going to seem VERY VERY suspicious to her but if she questions it, I'll let her know what they're really for. Meant to just be a surprise for her. -sigh-

 

Again, thank you all. You've prolly just saved my relationship with someone I truly care about and would give the world to. I love all of you lol.

[Azual]

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Thanks to everyone who helped me out tonight. Like I said, I love you all

 

And I know she is gonna wonder what the flowers are for - I'll just tell her the truth. They were supposed to be a surpise and it was coincidental that we had a fight. They were supposed to show nothing more than, "I love you". It's not an "I'm sorry" kind of flower gift. Hopefully this goes well!

 

Again (And I know I say it a lot but she means the world to me and you people are really awesome). THANKS!

[itsallgrand]

Good luck with everything, Az. Maybe see ya around some other time.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

She's going to thoroughly resent you for trying to cover her up, I assure you!

 

If my boyfriend tried to control how low my tops were, I'd be very annoyed, and if he kept doing it, he'd be history.

 

I don't want to accuse you of double standards, but wasn't her body part of what attracted you in the first place? This doesn't mean you now own control of it and demand it should be covered up.

 

A woman's body should be a source of pride and natural beauty - I'd wager you innoently enjoy looking at other women! - so it's rather unrealistic, perhaps even hypocritical, to be so concerned with the amount of flesh she exposes.

[craving_normalcy]

Here is how I see things (and I'm not trying to be condescending here)

 

1) Azual and his girlfriend are BOTH 15 yrs old - we are not dealing with adults here. She's going to dress her age (we're not talking about some 30-something woman wearing daisy dukes and a tube top to the office) and will resent him for trying to tell her how to dress.

2) Azual has said that his GF was raped by her step-brother, but yet wants to spend time with him at Christmas. Apparently he feels that she should not want to draw ANY attention to herself at all because she's 'got a boyfriend' and was raped

3) Azual is very controlling and domineering - SCARY traits in a YOUNG man who has admitted to some 'crime' he committed against a woman himself.

4) There are a lot of strange vibes coming from this.

 

I think your best bet is to just break up with the girl, get into counseling for yourself and hope to change your life. You cannot go on trying to tell every woman you are involved with how to dress, how to act, who to see - you are not in control of ANYONE other than yourself. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.

[Azual]

She's going to thoroughly resent you for trying to cover her up, I assure you!

 

If my boyfriend tried to control how low my tops were, I'd be very annoyed, and if he kept doing it, he'd be history.

 

I don't want to accuse you of double standards, but wasn't her body part of what attracted you in the first place? This doesn't mean you now own control of it and demand it should be covered up.

 

A woman's body should be a source of pride and natural beauty - I'd wager you innoently enjoy looking at other women! - so it's rather unrealistic, perhaps even hypocritical, to be so concerned with the amount of flesh she exposes.

 

Actually, I don't enjoy looking at other women. I admit, there are very pretty girls out there, but I don't see them the same way as I see her, and so I don't enjoy looking at them.

 

And like I said last night, I was in a bad mood and happened to be folding clothing and my mind just made that connection. And I'm never folding my own clothing again.

 

And to tell you the truth, I was attracted to her personality and facial looks, not so much her body, like most guys in High School are...

 

And like I said, after I thought about it I realized the argument was petty and childish. And I don't want her to constantly cover up... And I personally htink she looks better in one of her Tshirts and not one of her low cut shirts. Not sure why so I can't tell you, but she just looks better.

[Azual]

Nah... it's not a matter of I control her on anything, I just complained heavily that she wear more covering clothing. As for the rape thing with her step brother, that was the whole trust issue we got over before the clothing issue came up... I got the rest of the story because I asked her to be more honest with me (Yes I asked!) and I'm not angry at her for that or what the backstory to what happened is.

 

I just ask she be more careful and I don't understand why you would want to draw that kind of attention after something like that happened? Ya know?

 

And I know I can't control her, and I don't really do that. I swear to God that normally I'm fairly laid back, and it was just something that my mind connected and I guess was bugging me at that moment.

 

As for my crime, yes, I did some very stupid things, but that was a huge step for taking my steps away from any domineering traits (I used to complain about a lot of things when I was younger. Friends and everything...) I've come a long way from that, and I've still got a bit further to go, I know.

[Azual]

You should be happy you have a girlfriend who looks GOOD enough to dress provocatively.

 

Someday, when you are MUCH older you will (hopefully) look back on this situation and see how silly it really is.

 

The teenage years are filled with angst for most everybody.

 

Well that's what I'm sayin - And hell, took me like an hour to realize how silly it was and how stupid I was to get angry over it.

 

It's just... I can't help but be happy when she wears a Tshirt - She looks so much more beautiful and sexy in a Tshirt (Like I said, and I don't know why and I can't explain it).

[Azual]

Anyway - Too keep those of you who helped me out updated... She wore a Tshirt today and just told me that now that she has gone thru and seem how happy I was about it (Even though I told her she could wear the low cut ones, I didn't care and want her to be happy), she says she'll wear them more often.

 

And I take this from what she said;

I felt different today, like I felt more comfortable with myself cause I wasn't exposed and didn't feel like everything was showing

I kid you not. So again, thanks to all of you for being there for me.

[Cecelius]

How bad is it? I mean, if it's skanky, then it's just disrespectful and you should just dump her or date her for the sake of dating her.

 

If it's just normal, current-fashion skimpy .. I dunno what else to do.

 

What you should do though is encourage her to wear even skimpier clothes -- she'll wonder why you don't care that other guys are seeing her like that.

 

But do not forget for a moment that she does this because of the attention she gets. So long as you are immune to this silliness, she'll drop it unless she has deeper seated problems.

[candy604]

let her wear clothes, but she shouldn't be wearing slutty clothes out to work or school etc..

 

be dressed for the occasion! if her boobs are exposed then tell her to wear something less low-cut ( not to attract ppl to her etc..).

 

if it's the summer..tank tops are fine so are those low shorts lol.

[Azual]

let her wear clothes, but she shouldn't be wearing slutty clothes out to work or school etc..

 

be dressed for the occasion! if her boobs are exposed then tell her to wear something less low-cut ( not to attract ppl to her etc..).

 

if it's the summer..tank tops are fine so are those low shorts lol.

 

This issue was resolved, but I agree, less low cut because she's taken.

 

And she hates shorts

[annie24]

hm. did you guys breakup? i read your recent thread.

[Azual]

I havn't yet, but I'm just going to set her down easy. I'm just tired of all the games she plays with my head. Let her know that I don't think it's going to work and that her and I both have some things we need to take care of from our past.

[annie24]

what do you mean by "set her down easy?" are you planning on breaking up with her, or just drifting away?

[Azual]

Gonna set it out and let her know that it isn't working and I'm constantly stressed with all the schooling, court dates, probation, and with the problems we're having...

Not going to blame her, just gonna let her know I'm too stressed for my own good and need to focus on my studies and all the other stuff. Let her know we both have issues that are in the past that I believe affected the relationship.

[annie24]

that sounds like a good plan of action. good luck