Lied About His Age..........and Now

[AFRIQUE4488]

When My Partner And I First Met I Was 23 And He Said He Was Also 23.........then 3 Months Into The Relationship He Said He Was 26.....ok Fine We Dealt With It...........then 6 Months Into The Relationship I Stumbled accross His Drivers Licence And To My Amazement His True Age Is 39!!!! He definitely Has Aged Gracefully!!! I Was Obviously Very Upset Not So Much About The Number But The Trust Factor disappeared....now Im Doubting All His Stories!! Iv Began To Feel That The Age Gap Is Showing Now I Dont Know If Thats Coz I Know His True Age Or What? Would I Feel This Way If I Still Thoght He Was 26??????

Any Comments Would Be Great

 

 

[monkey1]

Well the fact that he lied, TWICE isn't cool, especially the fact that you've been together 3 months. That's a long time to not tell someone your real age.

 

Did you ask him why he waited so long? What did he say? Does know that you know how old he really is?

[nottoogreen]

Hi AFRIQUE,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

That is not good.

 

How is he behaving? Is he truly respectful and caring or anything tough, loud, abusive or manipulative?

[Honey Pumpkin]

It's quite a few jumps, isn't it?

 

I can understand the temptation, when you meet someone you really like, to lie about your age. But...I don't know. I would be quite wary. I once knocked a couple of years off my age (don't ask!) to be the same age as someone I really liked. And it was *so* hard to get all the cultural stuff right, let alone all your life events!

 

What has he been doing in the missing 16 years? I would think that someone of 39 would have quite a different lifestyle/past to someone who is 23, and I think it's the lying that would bother me - it would inevitably involve quite serious rejigging your life.

 

You should talk to him about it - but he's a different person to the one you thought you were dating. I don't know if I could get over that, personally. But on the other hand, I can kind of see his motives too (if he *really* liked you!); I just don't know if that would be enough.

 

Good luck!

[SarahRose]

Wow 16 years. That is a huge lie. I should try that sometime. j/k

 

He would be just graduating from uni at his lied age. How can he just forget about 16 years? Was he married before? Have children? What else is he hiding?

 

I would probably end a relationship over it. It is one thing lying maybe up to 5 years of age, but 16! Yes lying about age was pretty common back in the old days from stories my parents have told me about people.

 

If you plan to stay with him I would definitely do a complete background check on him.

[Hope75]

I agree that it is something that you need to talk to him about. While I don't condone lying under any circumstance, you might be able to find a somewhat reasonable explanation for his "changing" his age on you...like, say, he was embarrassed to be so much older than you, or he thought you might completely rule out dating him before you got to know him, and he really liked you.

 

However, this is a BIG difference between what he told you and what it really is- and that makes me concerned at the depth that he tried to hide this from you. After 6 months, have you met his family? What about friends? Anyone mention that he was that much older than you? Does YOUR age ever come up? These are things to consider.

 

If he had been honest with you from the first day, would you have still dated him, knowing he was 16 years older than you? How important would his age have been to you, had he told you the truth? How doe he treat you otherwise? How is the relationship with him?

 

Lots of couples find themselves very happy long term with a big age gap...but you have to decide if the way it started out (with dishonesty) is something you can forgive and get past... depending on how he treats you otherwise, how he makes you feel, how significant a thing this really is for YOU...and what he has to say about it.

 

But you won't know anything until you ask- so- why not go to him with this and be honest? Tell him you saw his lisense and you want to know what's up, and why he felt the need to lie to you?

 

See what he has to say and then make your decision.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

If it was a woman who lied about her age that would be more acceptable somehow- I've heard about women lying about their age before but never men.

As it is- he lied but do you know why?

[NJRon]

I know people who might shave a couple years off their actual age... but... 39 to 23? That's just... odd.

 

Someone I know recently went through something similar. He is 42, she is 25.. He lied and said he was 31. Turns out he had been married and divorced and had a child. They are still together for some reason.

 

How does someone keep from slipping for 6 months and not say something that obviously doesn't match a timeline? I don't think I could be with someone so deceitful. Not so much for lying about their actual age, but more because they are living a lie for 6 months and, either making a life up, or purposely avoiding talking about anything that may have happened during that 16 year time gap. Anyone who can get away with that concerns me.

 

definitely confront him... and don't let him turn it around on you by saying something like "I can't believe you looked at my Driver's License"

[Managor]

Yeah I agree, I think lying about an age gap of more than 15 years is ridiculous, I really think you should confront him about it. And Happytown, though I see where your'e coming from when you say women lying about their age is more acceptable, I still disagree, a lot of guys and girls don't like the fact that they're older than they wish they were, but lying about fairly fundamental information as age is still pretty bad.

[Siriana]

Dump him, if someone lied to me that way he would be history.

[Relationship Coach]

I'm with the majority here, lying is a huge red flag! Using lying as his excuse because he felt he may not have had an opportunity to be with you is just as bad. Relationships that start with lies end with lies. The age gap is something that would have to be worked out. My wife is 11 years younger but is 5 years beyond in maturity than most her age. I on the other hand am 6 years short of the maturity level of my peers so we have a near perfect match!

 

If you can get past his initial, twice admitted, three times caught lying butt sit down with him and discuss first why he felt the need to lie and second what other lies has he told. This is a come clean session and he needs to know any further discoveries of dishonesty will bring an end to your relationship.

 

Because he lied about the age gap, now it has become a negative in the relationship and yes, you are going to now see more negatives than before. Had he of been honest from the start, mentally you would have been more accepting. Way things out and if you really want to stick with him, talk it out. The one thing really bothers me is often with these types of lies the liar has no real desires for a LTR. Why would you lie to your potential spouse only to be exposed later? Covering up lies with more lies just makes things worse.

 

RC

[Batya33]

if he's so willing to lie about his age, what else is he willing to lie about?

[AFRIQUE4488]

THANK U all for your comments - helped heaps!!!

 

we talked about it and he had said he felt felt fearful that if had told me about his true age i wouldnt have pursued him and that it is only a number!!!!!!! poor excuse!!!!! also he lies about his age to others aswell....like people at his work think his 30.........its quite confusing..... why lie about it......he only makes his age an issue by lying!!!!!

 

and the thing is we're very close and involved in eachothers lives.....things are bound to surface!!!! we all know the truth eventually peaks thru!!!

 

he has a gorgeous baby daughter back in Ghana and whenever the mother calls his mobile he never allows me to say a simple hello.......he says that his not married but hey who knows??? u think u know someone so well and then the surprises just keep coming......HONESTY IS VITAL!!!

iv got lots of study now so i'v decided to not see him for a couple of weeks (thats ages 4 us) then see how i feel and its either make or break!!!!

either way memories will eventually come sweet...........

 

peace & more love

xoxoxo

[NJRon]

HONESTY IS VITAL!!!

 

Yes, it is, and you honestly don't have it with him.

[_Just_a_girl]

i don't think.... actually I know I'd never get past it. Lying once...well, I'd probably get over it. But a second time?!

At least you found out now. Imagine being with him for years and planning a life together and THEN finding out.

 

People do the strangest things