I hate myself for this

[yeawutever]

csa39, have you start going to counseling by the way?? You may want to go so you can work on yourself and find out what really led you to look elsewhere. Now what I don't get is why is she restraining you from your children. Your problem with your wife, is between you and her, it has nothing to do with you and the children.

 

As for the overuse statement "staying for the kids's sake", that's a lot worst than a divorce. Children are always perceptive, in a way they are like psychologists analyzing from every each that there is something wrong going on with the parents. Unlike, with separated/divorced parents, the child doesn't really suffers that much, they can adapt to new things.

[cnotes]

First of all we don't live in the dark ages anymore and anyone who thinks that someone who commits adultrey is completely and solely responsible for the demise of a marriage is completely wrong. Yes maybe the relationship is so bad that one person ultimately gets pushed into committing an 'action' that is only a symptom of what is really going on.

 

 

=========================================

 

That is totally accurate, that's why I didn't leave my wife. I reiterate that if there is adultery it is both parties who are usually at fault because it is a symptom of a bad relationship. Most bad relationships are due to the actions and behaviors of both parties. (Please note that I said 'usually' and 'most', so no lame responses saying that sometimes one person really is the evil one, PLEASE)If this relationship cannot be repaired through counseling, then you can leave. You don't stay together because of the kids, but you at least owe them the chance for a normal childhood. So you go to counseling to see if it is repairable. I'd be willing to bet that csa's wife had plans to bolt anyway due to the quick exit of the relationship. Maybe there were skeletons in her closet that she was afraid of being revealed or something.

 

you know, she sounds like an unreasonable person that is willing to throw away the lives of her kids anyway, sorry, but f her. This is not all your fault. Hey man, I was cheated on and I still feel terrible about it, but I realize that my actions were a big part of why she did what she did. This woman seems unwilling to look at herself, maybe that's what she is afraid of.

 

in any case, to csa - a few pieces of advice:

 

1) Da' coach (Ditka when he got fired from the Bears) was right: time really does heal all wounds

2) forget about her, she is unwilling to work it out. ya gotta move on.

3) Do whatever it takes to make it easier on the kids, that's your #1. Your kids will forever be grateful to you for this. This is critical to YOUR well-being

4) FOCUS on being a good person, that is really all you can do in this complicated world to make your life better. Just add to the world's goodness, don't try to add to its misery by getting revenge or anything. Just be good and you will live well. Remember that some things will always be a mystery.

5) run/jog or exercise every single day it really helps one to feel better. You have to do it almost every day though. Start slow if you're new to it. This is not negotiable, you have to do it. it will help, it will take time, but it will help.

 

 

good luck

[cnotes]

Spro,

 

I'm sorry but you're approach on this is too hard-line for the complex world we live in. Don't you think its strange that she just took the kids from her father without even trying to repair this problem? Ya gotta know that these kids are going to pay the price for 2 adults who can't work it out AFTER they decided to walk down the aisle and get pregant etc...start a life together. its not their fault.

 

I'm curious Spro if you're in a serious relationship, or have been cheated on, or cheated on someone? seem a little bitter with no compassion for these kids. Or maybe you've never built a life with someone and don't know what it means to tear it down? not trying to insult you at all, just curious.

[Batya33]

I think you are angry at her because it scares you less than being angry with yourself. I hope the sex was worth it. I agree with the advice that you let her go and maybe down the road you will be able to convince her why it happened and why it will never happen again. Right now it is probably better for you to focus on co-parenting your sons - they did nothing wrong, you are not angry with them and they are entitled to as stable a life as they can possibly have despite this situation you chose to create.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Cnotes,

 

Obviously I disagree with you on many points. Not all, but some.

 

First, I responded to the OP's anger issue. I think in this situation, it is not appropriate for him to be expressing rage at his wife because she won't take him back. If you read over my posts again you will notice that I was saying that it's not unreasonable (and it doesn't make her a bad person) to see cheating as a deal-breaker. Whether you think that is valid for YOU is not the point - there are OTHER people (just check out some of the other posts on this board) who find this to be a relationship deal-breaker. She could be one of them.

 

Second, if you read over my posts again, I encouraged him to try to work things out with her, but if she's not willing, that's her right - we don't know anything more about her or their relationship than what he's posted. And there probably is a lot more behind the scenes. So let's not just assume that she's been waiting to bolt all along. It could be that that's the case, but it could be otherwise and I was trying to give him another perspective on why she might have been unwilling to try this time. Given that he's professed to not having a clue really about why she won't take him back, I was trying to give him some other possibilities of why she might not having been willing to try.

 

Third, I don't know where you get the impression that I have no compassion for his kids. You are so off the mark here, it's not even amusing. In fact, it is sometimes the MOST compassionate thing to do to admit that the relationship is not right and to move forward positively (which is what my advice was all about) and create a better one for everyone, including obviously the kids.

 

Fourth, despite your caveat that you are not trying to be insulting in your post to me, nevertheless, the tone of your post is entirely disrespectful in my opinion. We disagree but it is not appropriate that you should ask about my personal life or impliedly request my personal "qualifications" to be posting here. That is disturbing and, in fact, insulting. More so since my opinion pretty much echoes that of many others here. Why are you not requesting their personal qualifications as well? Indeed, in a response to my first post, you even stated that "You're right on about everything. I'd like to re-iterate that your point #3 really resonates with me." Nothing has changed in what I've been saying, but somehow you've now decided that I'm now inflexible and bitter.

 

If you disagree with my advice, you are more than welcome to insert your own. Please do not engage in personal attacks (ie calling me bitter) just because my opinion differs from yours.

 

Thanks.

 

Spro

[cnotes]

You're right I shouldn't have been 'checking your qualifications'. I guess you don't need a 'reason' to be the type to just walk after somebody cheats on you. I was seriously just wondering if there is a common thread among people who just pack up and leave on first notice, and leave their families. I can say I was cheated on, and if it happened again I'd be walking out no questions asked, so I am now a part of that group, and have a reason for it. Nothing wrong with walking on first offense.

 

Here's what I don't agree with:

 

You know, I wasn't going to post anymore on this topic, but I just wanted to point out again that despite your firm belief that

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by csa39

the decision to leave and tear apart this family is 100% hers and not mine

 

 

is really misplaced, and appalling, actually. The decision to leave and tear apart your family is 100% YOUR doing. The fact that you continue to blame everyone/thing but yourself is the reason you cannot move on.

 

I can't agree with the fact that it was 100% his doing and I don't think he is blaming everyone but himself, I just think he is justifiably wondering why she won't make an attempt at reconciliation. If there were other issues for both of them not being happy it might have been worth exploring to find out if these issues were repairable.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, what makes you think she wasn't already making an effort to stay in the marriage for the kids all along before you had your affair? Maybe (in my opinion, probably) the affair was the end trigger, not the beginning or middle. The last straw.

 

If the above paragraph were true (and i agree that it probably is), then I think csa is justified in wanting to know what those reasons were, I mean that is not being selfish. Who wouldn't want to know what the reasons are/were for your wife not being happy (assuming it was more than the cheating). Maybe if she had communicated her unhappiness with the marriage than things wouldn't have gone this far. That's why I think he can't be 100% at fault.

 

That's what I meant when I said you're taking a hard line approach. You're saying he's 100% at fault. I think we actually agree on that. And I think we both agree that this is the gamble you take when you cheat, maybe that's what you meant by him being 100% at fault.

 

Peace

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The minor flaws that I saw in my wife (bossy, somewhat demanding, big spender) is really not the reason that I had the stupid affair.

 

She immediately filed for a seperation and said she didn't want a divorce. Then had me served with divorce papers and restraining notice unexpectedly 1 month later.

 

For some people, infidelity is a deal breaker while for others it is painful but they are willing to work through it because they love their partners and sense that there is remorse on the side of the cheater. Given what you wrote above, it is not too surprising that she will not try to work things out. It is also not surprising that she is after everything financially given that you say she is a big spender. Her reactions are clearly those of someone who is hurting and trying to gain back control over the situation by hurting back. She siad she didn't want a divorce and then unexpectedly served you with divorce papers and a restraining notice a month later. She is going for maximum hurt, to get even. When someone is in "get even" mode, you can't talk to them. Revenge is what is driving them. Given that you said she is bossy and somewhat demanding, revenge rather than reconciliation would fit more with her personality.

 

She has said to friends (and it got back to me) that I was a crappy husband and father ---- I know this isn't true because I used to be told constantly that I was the greatest father and she was so proud of me

 

This again fits in with revenge. She is lashing out at who you are in other aspects of your relationship.

 

 

She has told me directly that I let her down on other occasions and the affair was the straw that broke the camels back.

 

During your relationship, did you ever discuss this? How have you let her down? Were you attentive to her needs?

 

Some of my friends and family tell me that our marriage would have ended regardless

---

 

Why did your friends and family say this? Did they detect anything in relationship that would have given them a clue that the marriage was off?

 

As for being manic when you had the affair, I don't buy that. On the one hand you are taking responsibility for your actions, and on the other hand you are trying to find excuses for why you cheated. You cheated, because you wanted to at the time. Now reality has hit and you feel remorse.

 

I wonder if your anger at her is really about the fact that she doesn't want to work this out, or if it goes deeper into issues about her personality (bossy, demanding, big spender) and things that might have happened over the course of your marriage which you have not dealt with. She has the right to not want to work things out with you because you cheated. It is a tough pill to swallow, thinking about your partner having emotional and physical intimacy with someone else. Some people are better able to put that aside and say it is over and we will re-build. Other people can't handle having physical and emotional intimacy with a partner who has cheated on them. They can't get beyond thinking of what you did with the other person.

 

If a person does forgive and re-build the relationship with a partner who has cheated, doesn't mean that these people are doormats and willing to accept anything. It means that their love is strong enough to overcome the obstacles. It is fine for people to say they would boot their partner to the curb if their partner ever cheated on them...however, what you say in theory may not necessarily be what you will actually do if the situation arises.