Broke No Contact and Feel like Crap

[alaskagrrl]

Spent 4 years with a guy who couldn't commit who is now commited to someone else. Is this irony? Or some cruel joke of life? I'm trying not to focus on the obvious fact that it was all a lie. It wasn't that he needed his freedom and alone time, it was that he was always on the lookout for someone better. And apparently she came along. It wasn't that he didn't want a relationship, it was that he didn't want a relationship with me.

 

I really loved this guy, we were close for many years. Is it cruel of him to lead me on all those years just to drop me on my bum for some blonde or is this just life and I need to suck it up and get over it.

[Bounder]

Alaska,

 

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. Seeing someone you loved move on apparently effortlessly without you is a painful thing. But, did you feel he wouldnt commit, was reluctant before the break up? Did it make you nervous, jumpy, maybe a bit paranoid? Sometimes our guts speak a truth that our hearts have trouble getting to our brain. It doesnt excuse what he did, but did he consciously lead you on, or was he just unsure of the next step? I had to end a relationship recently because I wasnt sure i could trust that it would last, given her history, and i came out looking like the commitment phobic jerk, but i didnt cheat, and there was no one else. Now, like a week later, she has a new man, and apparently is moving back to Montreal with him.

 

Its hard to see years of intimacy disappear. It hurts. One day, i hope, for our sake, that it does indeed get better. Write me if you need to vent okay?

[alaskagrrl]

Yes he was totally reluctant. I relocated for him, and he didn't see it through. I hung in there for a couple years only to realize I need to head back north and get back to work.

 

I did everything right. I sold all my stuff and leased my place to my brother, said take care have a nice life, disconnected my phone and headed north. New start, all good.

 

But he's the one who could never let go. Calling my parents, trying to get ahold of me. Carrying on the long distance thing, sucking me back in. And then he was going to move here. And I paid for him to come here for a week and scope out work and place to live. After all our history together I thought this was it, things were finally good it was just a bit of a road to get there.

 

Well she (the blonde) called his cell while he was here. While we were in bed together. I knew. I just had to prove it to myself so I found out who she was the day he was flying home-- supposedly to get his stuff and move up here.

 

She told me they were in love. And because I contacted her he got mad and told me never to contact him again. The whole thing was awful. I think because of the way it went down is why I can't just move on. I feel stuck in this numb place. I am pretty thick skinned though, have been doing okay and then broke no contact. He wasn't exactly nice, really rubbed it in. They have a puppy now and are buying a sailboat. They are in a committed and loving relationship that he "is looking to the future with". They are "concerned" for me.

 

"Concerned".

[Süsser Tod]

Spent 4 years with a guy who couldn't commit who is now commited to someone else. Is this irony? Or some cruel joke of life?

 

 

Nope, it isn't either, it was a lie. Basically, he wasn't that much into you as he is into the new girl. Obviously, he is as much into the new girl as to commit.

 

Live and learn. Don't get yourself stuck in a relationship where you feel somethign is not right, and most important, a relationship that is not fullfilling to you.

[kadvati79]

I wondered alot why I suffered so much before I finally found peace and committed to no contact, then I realised:

 

It took precisely that much suffering for me to earn peace.

 

I earned my life back, I qualified for it through suffering. As a reward I grew. NC is not something you implement, it is a journey of self discovery and emotional transformation that takes you to the next level. I am not "going" no contact, that is simply what I am doing.

 

You broke no contact, and its hurt, you'll learn from that and its just one piece of a much wider journey that you are on. Yes, its ironic where he is now at. I definitely don't think you need to "just get over it", what you need to do is just keep going... you're growing and learning... and once the pain and sadness begins to die down and not seem so important, the lessons will still be there with you. They will be lessons that you will apply to your life and you next love. Hopefully they're not bitter lessons, but ideas for next time reflected in personal growth.

 

People change and make mistakes, and in the end many of us end up hurting people as a result of these two things. We don't know what he is thinking, or whether this new relationship will last. But you do owe it to yourself to keep going on the path, keep trying, and keep growing. Recognise that every tear you shed is one tear closer to happiness. The journey to peace for you will probably seem to lead you backwards, but eventually the road will wind round in a happy direction again, you just have to have faith that eventually you will make it.

[freelove]

Bounder,

 

Same thing happened to me...exactly, although she is in Australia travelling for 6 weeks. I ended it 3 days ago. We were together for 2 years, wonderful relationship. Goes traveling, don't hear from her in a week. When I finally speak to her, she didn't text me her cell no. earlier because she felt like she needed space. Well, now she has it!!!

 

How's that for disrespect and lack of consideration???

 

But boy, does it hurt!!!

[LONESOUL]

Ice, I'm not who could have said all of that any better. Thank you very much

for that inspiring post to Alaska, and us all.

There is much pain, yes. But

hope is not dead. Not even close. There will be better days and there is much to learn along the way.

[Bounder]

Ice, you have given me a good boost today. Just found out today that another of my friends got engaged on the weekend. It seems like my world of single friends or non-engaged friends is constantly shrinking. Makes me wonder if I was meant to marry my ex and just got caught up in my own jealousy over what happened last summer and couldnt see past that to a wonderful woman. But a wonderful woman shouldnt cause misgivings.....I guess her own journey has made her realize that pain she is capable of causing, i know she really is sorry and in all likelihood wouldnt do it again....but for me, i cant be sure of that, not right now.

 

Alaska, keep on trucking. At least you have Mother Nature to inspire you up there. I miss the mountains terribly. And keep writing!

[alaskagrrl]

Wow thanks.

 

I can deal with the pain okay, I still function.

 

I need to figure out how to protect myself from people like him, and still be able to trust people.

 

Everytime he lied to me I knew he was lying, so from now on I will learn to go with my instincts. But what if now I'm conditioned to be suspicious of men?

 

Does that make me bitter?

 

Oh well it doesn't really matter anyways. I plan on being single for a good loooooong time. One good thing is I'm finally buying a place of my own.

 

Thanks again.

[Süsser Tod]

Oh well it doesn't really matter anyways. I plan on being single for a good loooooong time. One good thing is I'm finally buying a place of my own.

 

 

Famous last words

 

 

Everytime he lied to me I knew he was lying, so from now on I will learn to go with my instincts. But what if now I'm conditioned to be suspicious of men?

 

Does that make me bitter?

 

 

Lets see. Don't drink water for a week. You'll likely die, right?

 

Now, get yourself in a pool and dont' step out for a week. The results won't be as dramatic as dying from dehidratation, but they won't be something too look forward to.

 

My point is, no water, you die, too much water, you also die. But you need water in order to live, right? So what is the basic principle behind this? Balance.

 

 

If you are suspicios of all men, and never let yourself trust anyone, you'll likely end up single forever. If you trust every guy out there, you'll end up being hurt big time. So? Balance, let things happen, and take your time. Dont rush things, and be safe but also let yourself trust.

 

No one can guarantee that you won't get hurt. If anything, you'll get hurt again (who said it was easy? If it was easy, then there wouldn't be any fairy tales). This is about balance, and the risk you can accept.

[joyce1412]

Everytime he lied to me I knew he was lying, so from now on I will learn to go with my instincts. But what if now I'm conditioned to be suspicious of men?

 

i agree with susser todd. don't trust everyone, but realize that some men can be trusted.

 

i like to go on empirical evidence. while i have been deceived or hurt by more than a few men, i also know some REALLY GREAT guys--in my family, boyfriends of friends, etc. i have no doubt that they will be loyal to their girlfriends and wives forever, as they have always been.

 

i'm sure you know some good men, too, even if they aren't men YOU'VE dated. you've been unlucky in love so far, but every dog has its day.

[ataurusguy]

Dear alaskagrrl,

 

It seems to me that you are one of many people whom perceive the cup to be half empty. However, that same cup may be seen as half full. You must start to see things as such. The best thing for you to do for yourself is to resume no contact with your ex. He seems to be happy and moving on with life, and it is only up to you to do the same. Be well.

[ataurusguy]

In addition, and I truly mean no offence by the forthcoming comment, but...the root of your problem may lie in how you choose to spell the word "girl". Again, be well.

[alaskagrrl]

Thanks again to all who replied. This breakup was pretty recent and I all of your comments have helped.

 

Perhaps the root of my problem does lie in the letters. Maybe I subconsiously willed him to fall in love with another woman because my alter ego, akgrrl, refuses to be tamed and housebroken by any man and prefers to be wild and free.

[need2bme]

Alaska: WOW!

 

I need to figure out how to protect myself from people like him, and still be able to trust people.

 

That says a lot right there. I am so scared that I am going to be afraid of every relationship now. How do you trust someone will stay? I was so in love with the ex before this one. We were so good together and then wham, she decides to leave. I got together with the current ex and who shows up to get me back? Yep. Whatever.

 

She should have stayed in the first place. I hope we can all find a way to trust again. Everyone tells me to get out and I do. However, I have noticed that I still remain a loner. I go to dance, but feel uncomfortable (after 13 years) asking someone to dance. I go to the mall, but shy away from people, even if I am holding my head high.

 

I worry about how long it will take too, to actually be with someone and not compare them to her.

[alaskagrrl]

Actually I was just trying to come accross as strong. If I am being really honest here I'd have to say I am seriously depressed and have been drinking, a little too much as like I've said I am trying to close on a mortgage. Wasting all that money at the bar is not working towards that goal.

 

I drink because it makes me feel better, it is a time in the day when I'm not wondering what the "root" of my problem is. I wonder what's wrong with me it's pretty much what all my off task thoughts are about. I think about her. He told me she does triathalons and has a flat stomach. He was always suggesting sit ups, I have an old fashioned figure like from the 50's it's not like I'm obese, but he was really not that into my body. He also had no interest in my work and said that he can't be with someone who "competes" with him. I wonder what else I could've done to masculate his insecurities I mean I LEFT MY CAREER to be with him. She's a blonde, I imagine she's drop dead gorgeous, as I am not, women were always staring at him and hitting on him. He could've had anyone and I felt grateful to be with him. Isn't that pathetic?

 

Yeah I'm not in too good of shape right now. (And BTW I always consider my glass half full at the bar)

[need2bme]

Too funny. Easy on the drinking there girlie. I know how you feel though. Near the end of my relationship, we would both be SO stressed, we would just come home and have a drink. After a while I thought, hey we are drinking a lot.

 

I turned to another addiction early in my relationship (not sex, booze or drugs, so there is only 1 big one left) and I don't think she EVER recovered from it. She could not forgive me. In fact, we were arguing in the car once and she just blurted out, "well at least I didn't blank" (I just don't want to say publicly what it was, because those who know me and read this board, would have more info on who I am).

 

I too felt lucky to have my ex. I mean everyone at work wanted to date her and she asked me out, NOT the other way around.

 

BTW, you look fine (if that is you in the avatar). The important thing is to be comfortable with yourself, respectful but not too much of a prude and have all your teeth.

[alaskagrrl]

Well thanks for caring, I hope you (all) feel better soon.

[alaskagrrl]

I'm feeling better today. Great actually. I think it helped to admit what I'm really feeling about my insecurities regarding why he fell into love with another woman.

 

Regardless of how's he's treating her and that he is committed and in love now.. that doesn't change the way he treated me. It's hard to not take it personally but I really do believe we don't "teach" other people how to treat us. Sometimes, it is a mirror of our self image. But the way he treated me is not a reflection of myself (being worthless and unlovable) it is a reflection of him.

 

I still feel mad, how can he treat her so good and why did he treat me so bad etc. Maybe he really is a "changed man" as he put it. Perhaps my role in his life was to show him that you can't treat women and people like garbage. You just can't. Maybe this whole thing had a purpose after all. It taught me love fiercly and taught him to develop a moral fiber.

 

I sound like a martyr... I don't know if that is a bad thing, but I do feel better today.

[starwisher]

You are too smart and spirited to be controlled by this man. He needs to be superior to his woman and not be questioned. Seek someone who appreciates you for being strong, intelligent, wild and free. Harder to find, but someone is out there that wants to share what you have and not destroy it. Let him go so you can live free.

[alaskagrrl]

Thanks for saying so. It's amazing how a compliment can brighten your day! I have to agree with you.. he was pretty controlling. Hopefully happier times are ahead of me. As soon as I buy my place and move in, that is going to be the fresh start I need.

 

I read your story, about the breakup. Did you ever contact him or send a letter?

[starwisher]

I don't want to contact him. I just want to forget. There is no going back and no trust. He ex'd himself permanently from my life. I have learned that men who need to control women will leave as soon as you resist, and find someone weaker. He sure didn't deserve you! Your future looks bright with a new home and a fresh start!

[ataurusguy]

Hey Alaska girl,

you are not pathetic and never say that about yourself again! You seem to be a very emotional person, and those bastards can unleash havoc on your soul. Do not put yourself down, in comparisson to this certain "blonde". I believe that is your picture, and you have nothing to worry about in the way of attractiveness. please attempt to curtail the drinking, as it just sweeps the problem under the carpet. keep your money and use it towards your admirable goals, and you are sure to be proud of yourself when you achieve them. (young, single female paying off a mortage...how cool is that!). Look forward and be well.

[beebee]

hi alaska... i just wanted to say how lovely it was of him to tell you how flat her stomach was... wasnt that just a wonderful thing to tell your ex?... talk about having a "sensitivity chip missing"?... and then to be "concerned" for you?... lol... im just shaking my head...

how is it that there are people like this out there?... how do they get like this?... what would make him think that saying something like that to you had anything to do with anything?... it just makes me mad at how cruel a person he is...

 

your very pretty and intelligent and hes a fool...

[alaskagrrl]

starwisher: you're awesome not to reply. that takes some salt.

 

ataurusguy: thank you for the post. I was originally accused of being "stoic" which leads me to believe he enjoyed the part in the breakup where I get hurt.

 

beebee: I know it sort of makes me want to hurl a little he was whacked I really need to focus on how much better off I am without him.

 

(warning ranting below...)

 

like he was not even a good liar. he couldn't keep track of them and if he knew I was onto him he'd flip out. all I had to say was "I thought you said..." and WHAM! he'd tell me he can't be 'controlled' or 'on a leash'.

 

another random thing he said during the breakup was that She was "proud of him for not having sex" with me while he was here. first of all, we did have sex. so.. not only did he lie about stuff he did but he also tried to convince me I did not do stuff I did. I'm not even kidding.

 

okay, now even if we did not. let's say we didn't in theory. WHY would she be "proud" of him for spending a week in another state with his other girlfriend? I considered setting the record straight with this other woman but at that point they had already formed this alliance or whatever. and why break her heart too? I decided she didn't really need to know.

 

I suspect those two are perfect for eachother.

 

(...end of rant...)

 

again thank you all. this is helpful, remembering these details. and ranting.