alaskagrrl

Either that or it's just another point of view. Thinking outside the box can also be healing. In any event the original poster did admit to opening a "can of worms". I guess I'm the first worm to crawl out.

Wow. I have just read this thread out of curiosity. Is this for real? Do people actually talk about dating "up" or "down"? And judging others to see which "level" they are on? OMG I never want to date anyone again. How completely awful. Some people claim to not be judgemental but for me I think it is true. The benchmark by which I estimate this world and the people in it is constantly being re-calibrated. I am giving thanks to God for leading me to Alaska. A place where riding an old bike to work is considered way cooler than driving the most expensive car, where living in a bus on an isolated beach is considered the best view of the mountains, where having no running water or electricity is considered respectful to the earth and the only "judging" people do is to compete for who has the coolest and most comfortable outhouse. I just realized how blessed I am.

starwisher: you're awesome not to reply. that takes some salt. ataurusguy: thank you for the post. I was originally accused of being "stoic" which leads me to believe he enjoyed the part in the breakup where I get hurt. beebee: I know it sort of makes me want to hurl a little he was whacked I really need to focus on how much better off I am without him. (warning ranting below...) like he was not even a good liar. he couldn't keep track of them and if he knew I was onto him he'd flip out. all I had to say was "I thought you said..." and WHAM! he'd tell me he can't be 'controlled' or 'on a leash'. another random thing he said during the breakup was that She was "proud of him for not having sex" with me while he was here. first of all, we did have sex. so.. not only did he lie about stuff he did but he also tried to convince me I did not do stuff I did. I'm not even kidding. okay, now even if we did not. let's say we didn't in theory. WHY would she be "proud" of him for spending a week in another state with his other girlfriend? I considered setting the record straight with this other woman but at that point they had already formed this alliance or whatever. and why break her heart too? I decided she didn't really need to know. I suspect those two are perfect for eachother. (...end of rant...) again thank you all. this is helpful, remembering these details. and ranting.

Thanks for saying so. It's amazing how a compliment can brighten your day! I have to agree with you.. he was pretty controlling. Hopefully happier times are ahead of me. As soon as I buy my place and move in, that is going to be the fresh start I need. I read your story, about the breakup. Did you ever contact him or send a letter?

I'm feeling better today. Great actually. I think it helped to admit what I'm really feeling about my insecurities regarding why he fell into love with another woman. Regardless of how's he's treating her and that he is committed and in love now.. that doesn't change the way he treated me. It's hard to not take it personally but I really do believe we don't "teach" other people how to treat us. Sometimes, it is a mirror of our self image. But the way he treated me is not a reflection of myself (being worthless and unlovable) it is a reflection of him. I still feel mad, how can he treat her so good and why did he treat me so bad etc. Maybe he really is a "changed man" as he put it. Perhaps my role in his life was to show him that you can't treat women and people like garbage. You just can't. Maybe this whole thing had a purpose after all. It taught me love fiercly and taught him to develop a moral fiber. I sound like a martyr... I don't know if that is a bad thing, but I do feel better today.

Well thanks for caring, I hope you (all) feel better soon.

Actually I was just trying to come accross as strong. If I am being really honest here I'd have to say I am seriously depressed and have been drinking, a little too much as like I've said I am trying to close on a mortgage. Wasting all that money at the bar is not working towards that goal. I drink because it makes me feel better, it is a time in the day when I'm not wondering what the "root" of my problem is. I wonder what's wrong with me it's pretty much what all my off task thoughts are about. I think about her. He told me she does triathalons and has a flat stomach. He was always suggesting sit ups, I have an old fashioned figure like from the 50's it's not like I'm obese, but he was really not that into my body. He also had no interest in my work and said that he can't be with someone who "competes" with him. I wonder what else I could've done to masculate his insecurities I mean I LEFT MY CAREER to be with him. She's a blonde, I imagine she's drop dead gorgeous, as I am not, women were always staring at him and hitting on him. He could've had anyone and I felt grateful to be with him. Isn't that pathetic? Yeah I'm not in too good of shape right now. (And BTW I always consider my glass half full at the bar)

Thanks again to all who replied. This breakup was pretty recent and I all of your comments have helped. Perhaps the root of my problem does lie in the letters. Maybe I subconsiously willed him to fall in love with another woman because my alter ego, akgrrl, refuses to be tamed and housebroken by any man and prefers to be wild and free.

I don't think the fleeting happiness that came with being in love was worth the pain at all. Without coming accross as bitter, I know that for myself I do not want to fall in love again. No one is ever going to have a hold on me like that again. I wish I had learned of "NC" a long time ago. It would've saved me YEARS of suffering at the hands of my heartbreaker. I am far from niave, but I really believed in love. All we can say is that we gave it our best efforts and now know we have the ability to give ourselves to another person. It's up to us as individuals to decide whether or not we will do that again. I for one will not.

Wow thanks. I can deal with the pain okay, I still function. I need to figure out how to protect myself from people like him, and still be able to trust people. Everytime he lied to me I knew he was lying, so from now on I will learn to go with my instincts. But what if now I'm conditioned to be suspicious of men? Does that make me bitter? Oh well it doesn't really matter anyways. I plan on being single for a good loooooong time. One good thing is I'm finally buying a place of my own. Thanks again.

Yes he was totally reluctant. I relocated for him, and he didn't see it through. I hung in there for a couple years only to realize I need to head back north and get back to work. I did everything right. I sold all my stuff and leased my place to my brother, said take care have a nice life, disconnected my phone and headed north. New start, all good. But he's the one who could never let go. Calling my parents, trying to get ahold of me. Carrying on the long distance thing, sucking me back in. And then he was going to move here. And I paid for him to come here for a week and scope out work and place to live. After all our history together I thought this was it, things were finally good it was just a bit of a road to get there. Well she (the blonde) called his cell while he was here. While we were in bed together. I knew. I just had to prove it to myself so I found out who she was the day he was flying home-- supposedly to get his stuff and move up here. She told me they were in love. And because I contacted her he got mad and told me never to contact him again. The whole thing was awful. I think because of the way it went down is why I can't just move on. I feel stuck in this numb place. I am pretty thick skinned though, have been doing okay and then broke no contact. He wasn't exactly nice, really rubbed it in. They have a puppy now and are buying a sailboat. They are in a committed and loving relationship that he "is looking to the future with". They are "concerned" for me. "Concerned".

Spent 4 years with a guy who couldn't commit who is now commited to someone else. Is this irony? Or some cruel joke of life? I'm trying not to focus on the obvious fact that it was all a lie. It wasn't that he needed his freedom and alone time, it was that he was always on the lookout for someone better. And apparently she came along. It wasn't that he didn't want a relationship, it was that he didn't want a relationship with me. I really loved this guy, we were close for many years. Is it cruel of him to lead me on all those years just to drop me on my bum for some blonde or is this just life and I need to suck it up and get over it.