i posted something last night but it was pretty long

[sfindependent]

so I still love my ex. woohoo. everyonehere who's anyone has gone through it. After begging, pleading and doing all sorts of crazy obsessive type things to make her feel uncomfortable, I decided I should stop. I was pushing for us to get back together, getting jealous of the men she's started dating and getting hurt from her lying about certain things (she only lied to keep me from hurt about dating other guys) and hating it that from number one priority, became next to last. However, this time, she said there was an ex that she referred to as "god" for treating her that started calling her back. The guy lives half the country away and she lives on the west coast. SHe's always spoke so highly of him and she made it clear to me she would get back with him and try it if she moved back home, or if he moved here. I don't really know what kind of relationship or how he treated her that made it such an awesome relationship other than the fact that they had an open relationship and he did not take advantage of it, while she did.

 

There's no doubt in my mind I want to get back with her. A few of her main reasons were that she couldnt EVER trust me (i cheated on her) and tha she wanted to see other people. We've been in contact ever since we've broken up (4 weeks) and I've had my heart broken so many times from disappointment and jealousy. She wants to be friends but now has been flaky (not calling when she said she will, won't hang out) and I understand that from the way I've been acting (psycho) why. None of her friends and family likes me anymore either because of the 4 weeks that has happened. All the time,she said she wanted to move on from me (as a BF, she already took all the memories we have together down) but and wanted to move on from the topic of getting back together or what went wrong in the relationship or what other things I can get upset about when we talk. She said she didnt care who I saw or dated anymore. One of the things that hurt me was that almost immediately after breakingup, she started seeing people and having fun (but insisted she was depressed and I saw it) and I sat here with my heart open and pictures of us together still clung to the pages of my notebooks.

 

My question is, how do I rectify the situation with her? How do I make her trust me once more? How can I make myself attractive again to her? How can I make her know I can treat her better than anyone, including her ex BF? I know NC is part of it, but last night, she said she'll call me when she gets home and she never did and I'm freaking out either a) she might have gone a date and slept with someone b) finally broke down and said "f*** it, I dont want to talk to him or some other thing that is going through my mind.

 

can anyone help? please!

[lozic21]

If you cheated on her, she will probably never be able to fully trust you again... If this guy is treating her so well AND she can trust him she is probably a lot more likely to go for him than you. (I'm bitter towards cheaters btw) If you don't contact her she may be more likely to miss you and wonder if you have moved on, which will cause her to contact you and perhaps want to be with you.

[Meow18]

Honestly, I don't know that there is a way to make things better.

 

Like you said, you acted like a psycho trying to get her back. And this most likely just pushed her away even more.

 

If you really want to try to make things better, then give her space. Lots of space. In fact, don't contact her unless she contacts you first.

 

Really, it's going to be hard, but at this point it's the only way.

[sfindependent]

thank you, yes, I admit I was a big cheater. I've cheated on all my other girlfriends and including her. But when I saw the look in her eyes and the way she focused on me, and the way I hurt her, I changed. I made damn sure she knew I changed. We got back together and I thought that I should make that time to make myself available for her and make sure she knew was being faithful. But there are certain things that she believes in already, like I've been with other people while we were together. But I never did. A year later, she comes up with one of reasons for the break up would be because of that.

 

She called me today and apologized for acting the way she did last night (I got upset when she compared me to her ex and included me in her list of suitors and I said take me out of that "list")

 

But i digress. I want to be friends with her now to show her that I am sincere and not the man she has in her mind as an ***hole, a liar, a jerk, and an unfaithful companion who can treat her better. I know she would be going out with other people, but ignorance is bliss.

 

Is this a risk worth taking?

[heloladies21]

But i digress. I want to be friends with her now to show her that I am sincere and not the man she has in her mind as an ***hole, a liar, a jerk, and an unfaithful companion who can treat her better.

Well it has been proven time after time that this method does not work. Never ends up in getting back together in situations like yours. It does always end up in the eventualy flakey behavior which you're coming up to until she gets completely bored with you and drops you for good.

 

She's been making it very clear to you that she is not interested in anything further, by her words and her actions, but if you're not willing to take her at her word and believe her when she tells you this, there's nothing that can be done. It's a relaization you're going to have to come to before we can advise you further.

 

If you have any doubt as to her true intentions, ask her. Lay out all your cards on the table, tell her you want to get back together and friends just won't do because it's giving you false hope and preventing you from moving on. At that point, take her final answer and if she's not with you, then it's time to go NC. The only thing that matters right now is if she's willing to get back together with you right now. Anything other than that are just empty words and other ways of saying "no i'm not interested."

[sfindependent]

I just came from a show that I've wanted to go to for weeks. I mentioned it to her a few times that I wanted to go there and said that she might not go (we HAD mutual friends, now she hangs out withthem soooo much more than I do,like, 20-0). long story short, she ended up going tonight. I saw her and she had about 20+guys hitting on her (i'm not exagerrating) and she's loving the attention. But there was one guy in particular that she hung out with (guy she liked and has been hanging out with for quite a while) that got me jealous and got upset about. She stood by his side, his arms sometimes around her, and I saw a kiss on the cheek from both parties at one point. She's been insistent that nothing has happened, that "they're friends right now" and that I have nothing to be jealous of. I know I'm making it easy for her to get over me real quick and that I have lost her respect becoz of my groveling.

 

How do i initiate no contact? do I write her, tell her, or just up and leave? I dont know what to say either. I know I'm going to get hell for this, but the main reason why i'm going NC is for her to realize what she lost, even after 5weeks of arguments and futile begging. She know's i'm not like this at all. She still calls me when she says she will. the other day she got so upset with me, she said she'll call me the next day after work and she ended up calling at 11am, before she headed in. I don't mind her hanging out with all these guys and getting the attention she wants, but I really want to be back with her, and she can still have the life she wants to live (flirting, going out partying) its as if I just want to get her "love" back and let her have fun finding herself too.

[sfindependent]

the thing is too, the guy has a lot more interesting life than I do. He's a drummer for a band, has a huge group of friends who want to do her, and always have these parties that she wants to go to.

 

She really wants to be friends, I can tell, since she's been reaching out to me daily. But I can't just be friends with her. Iwant to end up having more than that in the long run...

[NJRon]

You have a history of cheating. Stop focusing on her and focus on yourself. Sometimes losing something really good is the "wake-up" call, and it is the price you pay.

 

You say in one post that you want to become friends with her to show that you are sincere, that you have changed. In the next you become a little more honest and state that it is actually to get her back. The only reason I see at this point is for your own self-esteem. Look to the core of the problem here.

 

There is no need to prove to anyone that you have changed. There is only a need to prove it to yourself. You haven't even begun to do that yet.

[heloladies21]

Come on my, reread my post...

 

But you can't do NC expecting or hoping for some kind of outcome. It wouldn't get you anywhere as you wouldn't heal. NC is not a tactic to get your ex back. Even if it works, it's only a temporary fix and the relationship fails again eventually. NC is when you have nothing left to say. When you become honest about your feelings and the other person doesn't agree. So no psychological head games, it's not the time. Concentrate on telling her everything you have to say until the situation has played out to completetion.

[Meow18]

I think you just need to do no contact. There's no need to explain it to her. You don't have to prove anything to her.

 

Take this time to work on yourself. You can't honestly say that you were the perfect boyfriend. There has to be something that you can work on.

[sfindependent]

I know I wasnt the perfect boyfriend. So afraid of the no contact...

 

ugh. I hate myself that I am this weak to buckle down.