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Not your average "gay in love with straight guy" situation


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Im sure people get on these forums all the times with problems similar to mine. A gay guy finds that he has fallen in love with his straight best friend. I went through that myself a few years ago.

 

Im way past that now. Need some advice badly.

 

I fell in love with my best friend 6 years ago. We were roommates in college, had all the same classes, were inseperable. After college we even got an apartment together.

 

I starting falling for him at the very beginning. It was very hard for me all those years in school not letting him know, watching girls fawn over him, I even got him together with one of my girlfriends because I knew he liked her. For years my heart played tricks on me...interpreting a gesture or a sentence the wrong way, perceiving that maybe, just maybe, he could one day love me back. But I loved him so much that I didn't want him to know how I felt because he was the best friend I ever had and I wanted what was best for him, which I knew wasn't me.

 

This went on for 4 painful years. When he finally got a job out of town and moved 4 hours away, and we were no longer living together, I felt it was time to tell him. I didn't want to, because I didn't want it to bring our entire friendship into question but I was physically hurting so much over this that I was ready to deal with the consequences. The pain of losing my best friend was preferable to having him dangle in front of me constantly just out of reach.

 

So I worked up the courage and finally, after nearly 5 years, I told him everything. Poured out my heart with every word I could scramble to find to describe what I had been feeling for half a decade. Then I waited and braced myself for the worst.

 

He was, naturally, very shocked, and had no idea. Apparently im a damned good liar, because he never once had a glimmer of a sense that I could have feelings for him. We cried, shared an embrace, and he told me he didn't have feelings for me. That was that.

 

It is now 2 years later and even though he lives a state away we still talk every single day. One weekend a month one of us makes the drive and we have a weekend together, hanging out like we used to. Despite the awkwardness of having your best friend be totally in love with you, he loved me enough as a friend to completely accept me. This makes me love him so much more. Hes the most caring human being I have ever known.

 

Tonight he just left my apartment to go back home again. Everytime he leaves my heart dies. It feels infinately worse than it did before i told him anything. I have had other lovers, tried dating around, and I did find another person who I cared for, yet the fact that I still talked to my best friend everyday and saw him once a month aroused suspicion and ultimatly a painful breakup because even though I cared for my boyfriend, my bestfriend still had my heart...and I cant get it back.

 

Ive even resorted to visiting witches trying to make myself fall out of love with him.

 

Help me...

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hmmm, seeing how things are i think that perhaps the best thing for you to do is distance yourself from him till you can get over your feelings for him. unrequited love pretty much sucks but you seem to have a nice friend there so im sure you guys could talk things out about how you just need some space for a while. during this time you should also think about things through and sum up your thoughts about him, like as to whether or not you can keep your friendship. If he's causing you that much pain you might have to reconsider everything.

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You can't change the way you feel, any more than he can. Whatever you do, do not punish yourself. You handled this exceptionally well and by all accounts so did your best mate.

 

I love my ex more than anything really, and it sounds like despite all our crap he still cares about me alot too. But after several months of hurt and pain I realised I had to make a decision. I had two choices, as Tracey Chapman says "...leave tonight or live and die this way...". So I tore him from my life. I tore myself away from it and I made the decision that I would not make space for him in my heart, even if it meant leaving my heart empty.

 

In my work I deal predominatly with change. And the one thing I have noticed is that people don't change until they have too. Change is not successful without a commitment to change. I have a feeling, that while this man is your life, you will not be committed to letting someone else into your heart. You clearly shared a pretty special bond with this guy, but he is never going to be able to give you what you want. The love he offers you will never fill the gap in your heart.

 

At the end of the day, this is your life, and there is something immoral about abandoning your own judgement. Only you can choose the course of action, but you should do it consciously. Commit to what you want to do. Remember that you can't swim without getting in the water, so you need to keep getting out there and meeting guys. Now yes, its going to suck. But start with making friends. You know, I made a fantastic friend over the weekend who I had been brushing off for weeks cause I thought he just wanted to date me, or wanted my money, or body, or something.

 

I think its time you learned who you are without the weight of this unrequited love around your neck. After all this time, I think you've earned it.

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I kind of know how you feel.

 

I'm currently in love with a straight guy, but it is certainly not on such a monumental scale as yours. You'll have to tear away from him though, make a clean break out of it. That's the only way to unlock your heart again as at the moment it belongs to him. You need to set yourself free. There are endless possibilities out there.

 

Funny earlier on when you said you had trouble seeing women fawn over him...I can so understand that! It's the worst feeling knowing how all these women can have possible access to his heart and you as the doomed gay gay in love can only covet from afar

 

If you like you can PM me and we can talk/vent more about this topic.

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Oh god, that was so sad.

 

I agree with the others. Don't torcher yourself like this. There good gay men out there who will reciprocate your feelings. And, the minute you find someone, you will start to get over him.

 

Don't base your life around your feelings for him. You deserve so much more. You are such a sweet and loving individual.

 

It is so hard when you get a crush on someone who is straight, believe me I know. But now, when I form friendships with straight people I tell myself upfront that it won't go anywhere so I'll just keep my feelings at a distance.

It may seem cold but it is the only way to innoculate yourself against unwanted heartache.

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