Im sure people get on these forums all the times with problems similar to mine. A gay guy finds that he has fallen in love with his straight best friend. I went through that myself a few years ago.
Im way past that now. Need some advice badly.
I fell in love with my best friend 6 years ago. We were roommates in college, had all the same classes, were inseperable. After college we even got an apartment together.
I starting falling for him at the very beginning. It was very hard for me all those years in school not letting him know, watching girls fawn over him, I even got him together with one of my girlfriends because I knew he liked her. For years my heart played tricks on me...interpreting a gesture or a sentence the wrong way, perceiving that maybe, just maybe, he could one day love me back. But I loved him so much that I didn't want him to know how I felt because he was the best friend I ever had and I wanted what was best for him, which I knew wasn't me.
This went on for 4 painful years. When he finally got a job out of town and moved 4 hours away, and we were no longer living together, I felt it was time to tell him. I didn't want to, because I didn't want it to bring our entire friendship into question but I was physically hurting so much over this that I was ready to deal with the consequences. The pain of losing my best friend was preferable to having him dangle in front of me constantly just out of reach.
So I worked up the courage and finally, after nearly 5 years, I told him everything. Poured out my heart with every word I could scramble to find to describe what I had been feeling for half a decade. Then I waited and braced myself for the worst.
He was, naturally, very shocked, and had no idea. Apparently im a damned good liar, because he never once had a glimmer of a sense that I could have feelings for him. We cried, shared an embrace, and he told me he didn't have feelings for me. That was that.
It is now 2 years later and even though he lives a state away we still talk every single day. One weekend a month one of us makes the drive and we have a weekend together, hanging out like we used to. Despite the awkwardness of having your best friend be totally in love with you, he loved me enough as a friend to completely accept me. This makes me love him so much more. Hes the most caring human being I have ever known.
Tonight he just left my apartment to go back home again. Everytime he leaves my heart dies. It feels infinately worse than it did before i told him anything. I have had other lovers, tried dating around, and I did find another person who I cared for, yet the fact that I still talked to my best friend everyday and saw him once a month aroused suspicion and ultimatly a painful breakup because even though I cared for my boyfriend, my bestfriend still had my heart...and I cant get it back.
Ive even resorted to visiting witches trying to make myself fall out of love with him.
Help me...
