Update after last nights DATE.....

[coollady1957]

Update after the date I was posting about last night in my other thread..

 

Whew !,,,, Well I made it through the date last night with out being a big bundle of nerves. He was about 15 minutes late, so I started to feel uneasy for a bit. He had forgotten to tell me he had to stop for gas before he headed over.

 

We met at the little restaurant that I had mentioned before. We had a delicious dinner and chatted for quite a while.

 

After the dinner we went over to this casino/bingo/ dog racing establishment and stayed there for about 3 hours playing a few slots,listened to some music and sat in the lounge area and had an after dinner drink.

 

He seemed pretty outgoing , and talkative and we do have a few common interests. He was complimenting me on my hair, because he said he loves long hair on a woman. But he was not being overly flirty or anything.

 

He didn't put any " moves" on me at the end of the evening. Which I was glad I didn't have to deal with that on a first date.

 

But here is the part where I have a little bit of concern. The conversation flowed, as in there were not any awkward quiet moments. However, much of his conversation was about HIM and his late wife. He never really asked that much about me, or my life, kids, family. I heard all about his personal ailments, surgeries, heart attacks, etc. Then I heard a three month scenario of how his wife died.

 

I would try to lead the conversation in a different direction, but each time that I would tell something about myself and my life, and sort of leave the door open for him to ask questions, he would go right back to the conversation about his ailments and his late wife. I was a bit put off by that.

 

I know that I am probably not going to find a guy that is in my age range that absolutely has no health issues ofsome sort. BUT,,,,, gosh , this scared me when he said he had already had two angioplasties, with stent placement and two heart attacks, foot surgery, knee surgery and back surgery. He is 51 years old.

 

Now , he is also a bit " rough around the edges". It is kind of hard to describe what I mean by rough round the edges. Ok , let me put it this way.... he is very very very " country " acting in his ways. As in kind of over the line from country to actually being a " redneck" as we call them in the south.

 

His dining manners while we were having dinner were not that great. You know , talking with food in his mouth, kind of smacking when he talked and ate at the same time.

 

I also kind of like it when a guy is kind enough to open and hold a door for me, but he would open a door and go out first ahead of me. It was like it never dawned on him to hold the door for me.

 

The date has its plus side, in the fact that I got out of the house and actually went some where and had a nice diiner, went to the casino, music, drinks, but on the other hand I am just not sure I am comfortable seeing him again. At times he as pleasant enough, friendly, etc, but there were moments where I just felt out of place with him.

 

He is already wanting to get together Saturday night. No plan was made. I told him we will talk later about it. Don't know how to handle that part just yet as I am not so sure I truly want to see him again. I am having quite a few reservations about letting it go any further with him.

 

It is not my intention to sound as though I am being too picky about things. It is not that I think I am better than he is, but I just feel we have a different style, is the best way I can put it.

 

But what do you all think? Am I too picky, am I too worried about health issues with a potential BF ? Am I expecting too much ?

[rose2summer]

This 2 items really concern me:

 

"conversation was about HIM and his late wife. He never really asked that much about me, or my life, kids, family" AND

 

"His dining manners while we were having dinner were not that great. You know , talking with food in his mouth, kind of smacking when he talked and ate at the same time. I also kind of like it when a guy is kind enough to open and hold a door for me, but he would open a door and go out first ahead of me. It was like it never dawned on him to hold the door for me."

 

These are areas that show me a red flag, just my opinion though. I wouldn't judge the health issues because they are beyond his control, unless he is overweight. Is he? I think it's great you are getting out and having fun coollady. That makes me very happy as you have been so supportive in my posts.

 

Maybe he was nervous and showed all of these maneurisms because he wasn't comfortable yet. I say give the guy another chance and see how he does next time. But if the red flags present again, I would probably say it is best to walk away.

[Dako]

Congratulations!

Sounds like you got out of the house. He seems a bit like a kit you need to assemble yourself, but we all have some rough edges.

 

His lack of interest in you is the most worrisome thing to me. I can't imagine him prattling about his late wife, especially if it's been a while since he had a live, interesting lady to be with.

 

I wouldn't think a guy his age would have so many ailments. At 53, I've had minor knee work and a hernia repair, and other guys my age are about the same.

 

Are you considering round 2?

[Relationship Coach]

Is it possible that he was nervous as well and felt like he needed to unload his story on you. If he has been alone since his wife's death, maybe his table manners reflect his lapse in social outings. If his wife isn't there to tell him to chew his food with his mouth closed and refrain from talking with a mouth full of food, he sounds like he needs a mother not a wife. Give him a second chance to see if he improves his dating skills.

 

RC

[coollady1957]

I thought about it as well that he may have been much more nervous than myself.

 

He did say that he had only had 5 dates since his wife died two years ago, and that nothing progressed beyond a first or second date .

 

Maybe I should give it a second chance, just to be fair and give him the opportunity to become more comfortable. Who knows he may think I am a bit rough around the edges as well, and I have no doubt that I probably am in some peoples eyes.

 

Some one asked earlier if he is overweight, and no he isn't. He only has a bit of what I call a " beer belly". He is quite a good looking guy as far as the physical side of things, and has awesome piercing baby blue eyes.

[Scout]

Is it possible that he was nervous as well and felt like he needed to unload his story on you. If he has been alone since his wife's death, maybe his table manners reflect his lapse in social outings. If his wife isn't there to tell him to chew his food with his mouth closed and refrain from talking with a mouth full of food, he sounds like he needs a mother not a wife. Give him a second chance to see if he improves his dating skills.

 

RC

 

Excellent advice, RC. I was thinking too, hey, maybe she could give him a second (i.e., last) chance to see if he fairs a bit better on the next date. He may very have gone home and realized he blundered a bit, so let's see if there is an improvement the next time. Particularly, that he asks more about you.

 

Could very well be that he found your company soothing and it opened up a wellspring in him to talk about stuff he hadn't been able to talk with about anyone for some time. I get the sense, coollady, you're one of those people who have that peaceful kind of aura that makes people feel very comfortable with you.

 

But, if on the second date he doesn't focus the conversation more on you, to make up for the last date, I wouldn't feel any kind of obligation to accept a third date.

[hosswhispra]

Hey Coollady,

 

Sounds like you, Ren and me are in the same boat right now. It is kinda scary out there....I am most fearful of never experiencing chemistry with someone again....I know that it will come in it's own time. I am mostly going on these dates to get more dating skills. So, I don't have many expectations going into them.

 

We can support each other in spirit

 

hoss

[coollady1957]

Hey Coollady,

 

Sounds like you, Ren and me are in the same boat right now. It is kinda scary out there....I am most fearful of never experiencing chemistry with someone again....I know that it will come in it's own time. I am mostly going on these dates to get more dating skills. So, I don't have many expectations going into them.

 

We can support each other in spirit

 

hoss

 

I noticed that you, Ren and myself ,are all on this new dating thing this week. I have very little skills on the dating thing. I married when I was 18 , so it has been so long since I actually had a date.

 

I too get concerned over whether I will really ever find someone again that I truly click with. Good luck ladies !!

[rose2summer]

I noticed that you, Ren and myself ,are all on this new dating thing this week. I have very little skills on the dating thing. I married when I was 18 , so it has been so long since I actually had a date.

 

I too get concerned over whether I will really ever find someone again that I truly click with. Good luck ladies !!

 

Oh and me,

It's now Coollady, Ren, Hoss, and Rose who are in the dating scene this week.

[hosswhispra]

Oh and me,

It's now Coollady, Ren, Hoss, and Rose who are in the dating scene this week.

 

We'll be with you tomorrow in spirit, rose

[coollady1957]

We'll be with you tomorrow in spirit, rose

 

 

Ditto, to what hosswhispra said.

[Hope75]

Hey CL,

 

I'm with RC on this one...

 

He was probably out of the dating scene for awhile with his marriage, and maybe he was just nervous. Why not give him ONE MORE chance and see how things go the second time? If you find you can't get a word in edgewise about yourself, then maybe it's time to reconsider a 3rd date...

 

(and yes, he's had ALOT of work done for a 51 year old guy!)

[doyathink]

Hey coolness...If it were me, I would probably go on the second date and then make my decision. First dates are crazy for both people!

 

The other thing I want to say is that you and him may both be 'opposites'! some times it works, sometimes is doesn't. What you find attractive in a man may be something he just isn't! Good luck!

[Mun]

Heya, well I'm glad you didn't cancel the date...even if things were not perfect. He sounds like a nice man despite his lack of "refinement." I wonder, was he the one who cared for his wife as was ill and finally died?

 

Maybe he would be one to keep on the "friends" list for awhile. I get the feeling you were not that "into" him.

 

and... how close are you to Birmingham? I have a friend there. Divorced gentleman with excellent dating skills... a professional person.

[Scout]

Let us know how that second date goes!

[coollady1957]

and... how close are you to Birmingham? I have a friend there. Divorced gentleman with excellent dating skills... a professional person.

 

I am 85 miles from B'ham.

[coollady1957]

Mun, I am 85 miles from B'ham. You also asked if he was care giver to his wife while she was ill. From what I gather so far, is that she had heart bypass surgery and contracted a staph infection and her last three months before her death were spent hospitalized. She was his second wife ( supposedly) and she has grown children so he left most of the health and medical decisions up to his wife and her daughters.

 

This guy is very likable, with a very humorous personality. There is a part of me that thinks he would be fun to spend time with , but on the other hand there is something about him that is giving me an uncertain feeling.

 

The second date we just hung out at my house because I had family coming down to visit.

My daughter and son in law were down for the weekend for a visit, so I asked the guy to come over and we grilled out , played pool and watched DVD's. My daughter and her husband liked him.

 

On the emotional side of things, I feel I am having a bit of difficulty with being afraid that someone is going to try to play games with me, take advantage of me in some way, and lead me on , just to end up being another player. I keep trying to tell my self that I must to learn to trust again, and that not ALL men are going to be like the EX BF.

 

This guy seems a bit too gung-ho about seeing me. He keeps saying he is tired of being alone since his wife died . The night that we had the first date which was last Wednesday, he was already asking for the second date, which we did this past weekend. At that point he was asking already for the third date before the second one was even over.

 

I have tried to make it clear that I don't want anything that is going to move too fast for me right now, and I thought he understood this. If I accept seeing him for a third time for this upcoming weekend that will be three dates in 10 days , which for me just seems like a lot really fast.

 

He has dated a little since his wife died, but he says that it always ended after the second or third dates, by the choice of the woman. That kind of threw up a " yellow flag" because if he has dated 4 women in the last couple of years and they all ended the dating, then I keep wondering what the problem was.

 

There was also a comment that he made about his marriages that led me to believe that he may not have told me everything about his prior marriages. When we first met on line and talked, he said that he had been married twice. First time divorced, second time his wife died.

 

However during conversation this weekend, he said something about when he met the last woman that was his wife ( the one that died ) , that he had already been married two or three times prior to that. That seemed to contradict his prior statement about marriages. That threw out a flag as well. It started running through my mind, why wouldn't he have told me in the beginning that he had been married more than twice.

 

NO matter how likable this guy is, I am just having some apprehension about things. I have not questioned him about the concerns I have and am not quite sure how to approach the whole thing.

 

Gosh I hate this feeling.

 

If anyone has any thoughts, throw them my way.

 

 

 

[Scout]

NO matter how likable this guy is, I am just having some apprehension about things. I have not questioned him about the concerns I have and am not quite sure how to approach the whole thing.

 

What would you have to lose by sitting him down and telling him exactly everything you have just told us here - the good stuff AND the uncertainties?

 

I don't know what you would have to lose, but you could gain a few things...for one, valuing your concerns enough to speak 'em out loud! Continuing to hone your wonderful communication skills is another gain.

 

And the gain for him would be immense. Maybe you two won't pan out, but it sounds like he could benefit from hearing how he is coming accross. Maybe that would give him some insight into why he's not finding a connection with anyone so far. And you know what? I bet he'd appreciate the honest conversation. It's probably been a while since he's had some.