He hit me - I HAVE to leave him

[nmduipd]

I know I have to leave him.

He hit me and that's not something I can't forgive.

He apologised, but I can't even talk to him any more; I don't think I can even stay friends with him.

 

We had our problems before, but nothing that we couldn't work on.

I don't think we can work on this one.

 

But…

We've been together for so long.

We were best friends and always there for each other if one of us needs help.

I need to completely reorganise my life.

I'm terrified.

 

Even worse, even though I'm still angry and completely disappointed, I have flashes of the best times we had together.

I know this is stupid and totally unrealistic, but I'm going to miss him a lot.

No, I'm not going to miss him hitting me, but there are so many other things that I'll miss.

 

Has anyone else felt this way?

 

I don't want to stay with him, I'm clear with that.

Still, I know it will be painful process getting over him. Am I being silly?

 

Does anyone have some tips how to make it less painful… and quicker?

I feel so alone in the world.

 

If anyone has ever been in the similar situation I would love to here your opinion.

[friscodj]

What you wrote in your post concerning your feelings and fears sounds completely normal to me. I'm so sorry you are in this predicament.

 

The best way to do this is just do it. Don't think past the day you do it...which ought to be today...

 

We'll be here to help with the fallout...but first you just need to drop the bomb...quick, clean, and absolutely final. It would make it easier if you could move, change your contact information, and disappear physically and emotionally, especially from abusive guys as they tend to not let go so easily...

[tylercdurden2004]

Although I have never been hit I was with a girl for couple of month who would just lose it. 0-60mph in no time flat. I left her because I knew it would never get better. She was too hurt and quite frankly it most likely would get worse. You should leave him, violence while sometimes stems from unimaginable dynamics to most is NEVER acceptable. It happened once and its very possible and probable it will happen again although not necessarily. Do you want to invest more time in something that could get you potentially seriously injured or worse?

 

There are a majority of men out there who have never hit a GF or wife. I think you should leave him and seriously consider a restraining order.

[ButterflyWrists]

ur right you have to leave him. it'll just get worse, i know cause i've been in the same situation, and mine got so much worse. and dont feel threatend by him!!!

[joyce1412]

i second friscodj's idea of disappearing. if you can find a strong moment to do the initial cutting of ties and get gone, the breakup will be much easier knowing that your ex doesn't have a way of calling and begging you to come back. a lot of people can become very vulnerable to a crying lover who says he only wants to be with you...no matter what offenses he committed.

 

i imagine there are lots of support groups and organizations for women who have been abused. find help as quickly as you can, and get support from your family members as well. if your family loves you, they'll do everything in your power to not LET you get back with him. me, i have a rather scary mother, and if i told her a man hit me she'd chain me down before letting me go back! even just thinking about how much your parents, grandparents or siblings would disapprove of you getting back with him might help. i know it helps me when i feel weak and sentimental about my jerky ex.

 

good luck girl!

[nmduipd]

Thanks for repying.

 

He is my first neighbour. There' no way I can move.

But he used to say, if I ever left him, he would move overseas, as far as possible. Maybe he'll really do it, he has lots of opportunities to do that – in fact, I was the main reason he hasn't done it before.

 

I've already told him I don't want to see him ever again.

 

He called thousands of times in the past 12 hours to apologise. I couldn't bring myself to answer his calls. I don't have anything else to say and I don't want to hear his lame excuses – he had a terrible day, but I can't accept that as an excuse.

He sent me a few texts saying how bad he feels and begging me for forgiveness.

 

I know him for 13 years and he was never violent – not even close. I just can't believe this is happening.

But once is more than enough for me, I must leave him.

[joyce1412]

He is my first neighbour. There’ no way I can move.

 

i'm sorry, i don't understand. because he's your neighbor you think you can't move? perhaps i'm not reading you correctly, but you certainly CAN and should move. and you shouldn't bet on him moving away. better to GUARANTEE distance by removing yourself, not hoping he leaves.

 

and i have a feeling you will see him again, despite your telling him to leave you alone. especially since he's your neighbor, he will make his presense known, i'm sure.

[nmduipd]

Sorry, I wasn’t clear enough.

The fact he is my neighbour is not the reason I can’t move.

I just bought the place and can’t afford to sell it and purchase somewhere else.

[friscodj]

He called thousands of times in the past 12 hours to apologise.

 

And I believe this to be the tip of the iceberg. You really need to stay strong! Strap yourself in, batten down the hatches, and be prepared for him to throw everything he's got at you; everything you've ever wanted to hear and chase you like mad. Stay strong and resist with everything you've got...you are in no way, shape, or form done with this situation...

 

If you ever have an urge you can't resist to contact him, post to us instead...

[nmduipd]

Yes, I know.

This is just a beginning…

I don't feel very strong though.

One moment, I feel I want to call him to tell him how wrong he was, to ask him how he could do it…

The other, I want to hug him and tell him everything is forgotten.

I haven't dropped a tear since that happened (last night). Until now. I'm crying like baby while I'm writing this.

 

I know I'm being over emotional and stupid, but I'm having really hard time controlling it.

 

I find myself forgiving him… and I don't want to forgive him – he doesn't deserve that.

 

He hasn't called either – almost 4 hours now. I suppose that's a good thing. But, stupid me, I find myself wishing him to call.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me - I don't know what I want.

This is so hard. I just hope I can stay strong enough.

 

Thanks for helping me. I really appreciate that.

[robowarrior]

You need to be strong tho. If you would take him back it would only give him a green light to hit you again. Only a coward would hit a woman.

[celticghirl]

that is great that you are going to leave him. please dont consider going back. men like that dont change!! you deserve to have someone who will make you happy and respect you for who you are.

 

this will hurt only a short while but it will benefit you in the long run.

 

take care

 

leah

[Considerate Empath]

You're not over emotional or stupid - it is perfectly normal to feel this way after knowing him for 13 years and then just suddenly hits you.

 

You have left him, you are strong, and you will get through this. Have faith.

 

 

//C.E.

[Ash]

I know him for 13 years and he was never violent – not even close. I just can't believe this is happening.

But once is more than enough for me, I must leave him.

 

If you've known him for that long, and this is the first time that this has ever happened to you (or anybody you know of) and he's never violent then I have somewhat of a difficult time believing that he is truly the abusive, violent person that many are jumping to the conclusion that he is.

 

You know him better than any of us. Does this latest behaviour represent a fundamental change in the way he is? If so, they yes, it could get worse. But every once in a very long while this kind of thing can happen and I'm not sure it always ends the relationship.

 

I'm not saying there's an excuse for what he did, or that it's right, or that you should accept any of it, but I'll repeat again, you can detect a change in his character better than any of us. And yes, people can get help to deal with this type of thing.

 

Given the fact though that he claims you're the only thing keeping him where he is, then perhaps he will take this opportunity to end things and move on.

[nmduipd]

Thanks for your support.

I know the decision is mine, but your input helps a lot.

 

I think I'm moving through grieving stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) a little bit too quickly. I went through Denial and Anger in a day. I'm entering Bargaining phase now. I'm analysing things and trying to find way to stay with him.

Rationally I want to finish things with him. Emotionally, I'm still hoping that magically 'something' will happen that will make everything all right.

 

Ash, you reminded me of something that I have completely erased from my memory.

He told me once about an experience with his wife – they were in the early stages of divorce and the emotions were running high. He said something about grabbing her neck – he didn't actually hurt her and I never took that too seriously (neither did she). But he was scared by the strength of his anger.

Now when I think about it, this is very similar situation.

 

I still don't think he is a violent man. Normally, he's the total opposite.

But he could've hurt me seriously in that one incident, and quite frankly – I think I was lucky.

 

I really think we should finish things now.

But it's incredibly hard to imagine my life without him.

[Ash]

A very tough decision to make I realize. But a wise one, and we're here to support you when and if you need it. Having mentioned that incident with his ex wife sheds new light, and there may be additional times you're not actually aware. It's too bad really, as so many others on this thread have pointed out these things can become quite dangerous. And, as you've pointed out, this wasn't the only incident ever, and he has scared you badly ... so you're decision to move on is certainly a very valid one.

 

Best of luck.

[nmduipd]

You have no idea how much your help means to me.

 

I can't talk to anyone, all my friends are actually mutual friends – talking to them would only cause more problems.

 

I don't know if my decision is right or wrong – time will tell.

Life is not black and white – nothing is certain.

 

It's touching though, that someone who doesn't even know you is there to listen and support you.

 

Big thanks

[TheDoctor]

Ok well I'm a guy and my ex girlfriend hit me hard for a total of 3 times. That was 3 too many for me but I forgave her all 3 times because she would cry and I'm a guy who used to box so I was like whatever. But you know what, physical abuse to me symbolizes somebody who has so much disgust mentally that they expose it on the physical level and someone like that has no place to be in a relationship.

 

You are capable of forgiving him just like I forgave my ex, but you know there are more problems you have to focus on like this guy is clearly not ready to step up and be the man that is there for you. That is why me and my ex ultimatley broke up, there just isn't enough stability going on inpeople like that.

[Tshwane]

COUNSELLING anyone? maybe they can help to deal with his anger. Also u haven't said how bad was the situation, did he slap you, grab you e.t.c. I dnt condone what's his done but maybe u need talk to a professional if you can't talk to friends. Breaking up with someone needs very serious consideration.

 

Do not decide out anger.

[Marianne]

nmdupid, as ive already sent you a email i thought i would write a post as well.

i can understand how your feeling . ive been a victim twice in my life and the 2nd time it happened to me was when iwas in a realationship with my boyfriend who i went out for 6years and as soon he hit me i knew everythng was ruined.hitting anyone is no excuse and it was hard to walk away from all those year and support myself i back then didnt have any friends just radom friends that didnt know wot it was like for me n told me to get over it n stuff, so if you need support we at this site are here for you xx