Divorcing after 20 years, he says my fault

[VictoriaInTexas]

I just need to spill some things here. I don't want to burden my friends who already know too much.

 

After 20 years of marriage he says that we are divorcing because I am not a good housekeeper anymore. A little history.

 

I am not a great housekeeper anymore, but this certainly was not always the case. In 1998 I had an AVM and a stroke. Had to have brain surgery, learn to talk,walk and read all over again. It left me with deficiencies if you will, and lack of stamina was certainly one of them. But I managed to go back to school, and get a good job that doubled our income. I spent 5 years unemployed all the while he told me that I couldn't work full time because he didn't think I could keep the house and work at the same time. I told him that I wanted to work,and that we could get help if the house started to suffer. It did. But then he told me that we couldn't get help because we couldn't afford it.......didn't I just say we doubled our income. Then he began to tell me that his sexual dysfunction was because he couldn't get it on in a dirty house.....I'm thinking this is not true, he had the dysfunction since we first met. Then he started to tell me that he couldn't be affectionate with me because the house was dirty. Then he drank alot because the house was dirty, then he drank and drove A LOT because the house was dirty. Then I tryed even harder to get the house clean and to keep it, but I told him that if I was to succeed I would need his help. He told me that he didn't have time to help because he worked at his "hobby" too much. Then he said that he didn't love me, couldn't be affectionate, wouldn't communicate, couldn't see a counselor, didn't want to stop drinking and driving, that I was making him give up things he loved (Drinking and working at his "hobby every evening). Now when I can't take it, I've begged for 15 years for him to get help with the sexual dysfuntion, I've begged for counseling, I've begged for affection, he tells me that we are divorcing because of the way I react to him and that if I would just do one simple thing and clean the house he would love me.

 

Am I nuts? If this sounds like a huge vicous circle imagine how it feels.

 

Summation: He cannot maintain erection (hasn't for 20 years), won't get help- my fault. He will not touch me or show me any affection-my fault. He drinks a lot, and drives drunk a lot-my fault. He won't try to help our marriage-my fault.

 

I ask could all of this really be my fault. Isn't it that if I admitted that i had a hard time with the housework and asked for help that a person who really loved me would have helped and not let me fall on my face and then tell me that it's my fault?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

oh my goodness. I am so sorry for your situation. first of all, this is not about a dirty house. the issues are going far deeper than that. it sounds like your husband is bitter and angry - probably the alcohol problem contribues to this. The house is just an excuse. If it were that simple, he could have cleaned himself or gotten a housekeeper. Instead, it sounds like much deeper issues are at play, don't you think?

 

have you two tried to go to counseling? has he had any help with his drinking problem?

[rose2summer]

No, this is absolutely NOT your fault. You are a victim of an abuser, he blames you for everything, that is absolutely not right. He is obsessive compulsive (OCD) because he is insanely focused on cleanliness. To curb the OCD, he chooses alcohol. This man is absolutely a mental case, stay away from him, he will likely turn into a physical abuser with time. You are being mentally abused here, please take care of yourself, and don't let him get to you. His desire for cleanliness, his lack of constant erections, and his alcohol addiction are NOT your fault, they are all part of his psychological disorder. Don't you deserve better? Leave ASAP, no contact and file the divorce paperwork.

[avman]

Hi there and welcome.

 

Lets face it, usually there is more than enough blame to go around for the failure of a relationship. Both parties contribute to it so both are ultimately responsible for it's outcome. It is pointless to argue with each other over who is more at fault. Either you both want to work it out and are willing to make the effort, or you aren't. If both people aren't working at it, it will fail.

 

So if your husband isn't willing to work with you at making things better, then there is really nothing you can do. Learn from what happened and you'll be that much wiser going into your next relationship. Think of it this way, you're a veteran at it now. You've got 20 years experience and so that makes you quite the catch!

[hardcharger]

Some of his sexual dysfunction could be attributed to his drinking, if not at the beginning, certainly after years of heavy drinking it will be affected. My wife and I have our own differences and honestly, many times I have told her , the fact that she is a decent housekeeper is very important to me. She is doing her part of the work in this household.

 

A marriage is a partnership and for the partnership to be successfull ( 1+1=3) and worth more than its' parts each person much do his share. If your part is housework and you are not performing well, that is going to negatively impact the marriage. Saying that, I sympathize how hard it must be to be married to a drunk.

 

Are you still living together? Would you like to stay married? Are there kids? Do you think there is any hope? If there is, why not try to find what you can do for the household. I am no neat freak but I couldn't possibly function in a household that was constantly dirty. It brings all kinds of negative energy in. I doubt that if you start cleaning the house now it is going to make a big difference, but all you can do is try.

[robowarrior]

Well this is typically a man thing. He's trying to sattle you up with a 'guilt' syndrome. The house is not clean = justification to let everything go wrong in life = moronity

 

SO WHAT!!

 

dirty house = NOT a justification to become a alcoholic

dirty house = NOT a justification for his sexual disfunctionality.

dirty house = NOT a justification for stopping to communicate.

 

Im sorry but your husband is just full of BS is an alcoholic that's just frantically looking for exuses anywhere. NO MORE EXUSES.

 

Tell him. Do you mind if i don't believe your BS stories? And if he would go into the same exuses scream NO! we could have hired a helper, we can afford to hire a helper, your just being illogical and irrational because you want to keep on drinking and driving. (and i can tell you that's going to end up in a nasty argument) , that if he had any consideration for you, he would have understood that you had a stroke and brain surgery and that you are partly disabled as a result of that. Ask him if he still remembered what happened to you, and if he has any consideration for that. Tell him that he needs to join AA and get help for his problems.

 

And if he is unwilling, then maby a divorce is the right thing to do. Living with an alcoholic is an extremely difficult thing, its like having an elephant in the house. Although i would try to salvate your marriage by any means possible, he shouldn't blame his problems on you. Your husband needs help, seriously.

[Siriana]

Not you fault.

Don't bealive him a single world. Let him live alone in a clean place. He can clean it if he want's too. He is just using the clean house argument as a way of manipulating you.

Divorce him. You're going to be blessed after that.

Go to therapy. Why? So that he can't persuade you that his problems are your fault.

Once again: it is not your fault.

It is great to go through life blaming other people for the way our life looks like. So easy and convinient. Some people choose to do that forever - like your housband. If it's not his fault he can't fix it. That way he is not responsible for the fact he is alcoholic, sexualy disfunctional, controling, emotionaly abusive man.

 

Run as fast as you can. You have a right to do that. LIve your life the way you deserve it.

 

It is only sad that he asked for divorce, not you. What were you waiting? This is the only thing you should be bothered about. Why it took you so long to leave him alone whit his problems he's not interested in solving? It is not your job to rescue anyone.

[VictoriaInTexas]

Just for the record, Hardcharger. Our house is not dirrrrrty. We have two teenagers, I work 60 hours a week, and just need help staying on top of it instead of the proverbial all day Saturday cleaning. A little help would be great, and moreover, another man telling me that if I clean house it will make it better is not encouragement. We are like any other people in the world, candid photos are taken at a moments notice, and looking back in my photo album tells the whole truth. Not a dirrrrty house. Got a question for you though.......who determines if the house is my part? ("If your part is housework and you are not performing well, that is going to negatively impact the marriage." ) You said a marriage is a partnership. Partners cross train, take up the others slack, help when they are asked and give when they need too. Since when is it a womans place to "do her part and clean the house". Are not men responsible for their home too? WHat about our lawn, he never did that, me and our kids did, our cars; I filled them, washed them, took them for oil changes, our dogs; I trained them, took them to the vet, cleaned up after them, drug their food home, bathed them. So, I know that I did more than my part. So don't give me that.

 

For the rest of it; my last post was on Saturday I believe.

 

On Sunday I got an email saying that he was seen kissing some woman. And the finger pointed at it being his boss.....sick. I got mad. He denied, although his cell records show 2 hour conversations at midnight, I caught him in a lie the week before when he said he hadn't had any lunch the day before but I found the receipt from where he said he took her to lunch. So anyway, I got mad. There was little fighting about it. By nightfall I told him that I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

On Monday he cleaned out our checking and savings and never came home. I filed for divorce on Tuesday. My son and I are near destitute, and the bills are stacking up quickly; he cleaned us out at the same time all the mid-month bills are coming in.....and I found out that he hadn't cancelled our insurance with one company when we switched, so I have an additional bill there. He has threatened to kick me and our son out of the house, told me that -yes, you guessed it- he cleaned the account out because I hadn't reacted well to him over the email.

 

I have been seeing a councelor for a while. And I'm joining a divorce recovery class next week. I want this jerk out of my life, my head and my future.

 

Today I've had a real bad case of the "mad as hell". I got up, got my camera and started taking pictures of our house.....it's still in the same state it was all along. I printed the pictures, then sat down and circled all the dirty I could find. I have four circles in the living room (dusting, vacuum, pick up dog toys and throw away the paper from the day before. The kitchen ( unclutter one 2 foot counter where he always kept the dog treats and his extra misc tools, empty the dishwasher and sweep). The point is, I took an outside look at the "dirty", and I wouldn't have been embarrassed for any one of you, my neighbors, or politicians soliciting votes to come in and sit down just the way it was.

 

I've been bamboozled, swindled and conned into thinking that all that crap was my fault.

 

I know that if any one of you had been accused of having an affair you would go to no lengths to prove your innocence,if you were innocent, but the reaction I got was nervous laughter, "believe what you want" indignation. I've fallen for all the classics: break her down and rebuild her the way I want her, muffle her and she'll speak what I want to hear, isolate her and I'll have full control over her.

 

Well, no more.

 

I may be in tears tomorrow, but today I'm mad.

 

Hardcharger, forgive me if I was rough on you, but I think you need to read the whole post again. I'm not as good a housekeeper as I used to be, I never said I never cleaned up. But you came off sounding bad; this is not our grandfathers world we live in anymore, we women pull as much weight or more than a lot of our men. And bottom line, if your wife asks for help confessing that she can't do it alone, then it's time for the partner to help, not refuse to help and then beat her down when she doesn't make par.

[hardcharger]

Victoria, no, please forgive me, your post makes a lot of sense! Exactly, working 60hrs per week or even 40 hrs per week, makes the housework not all your responsbility. Sounds like a huge vicious circle. God Bless!

 

As usual, we(I) all look at our own circumstances and try to see how it applies to others and sometimes that results in dead wrong information. I have a stay at home wife who does about 15 hrs/wk of bookkeeping and thankfully she keeps a nice household, my friend has, not had, a wife who didn't work, didn't keep the house at all, and that lead to added stress. Sounds like you have much, much more going on than that. And easy for me say, even with my wife's schedule she has a cleaning lady one day a week for 5 hrs.

[VictoriaInTexas]

Thank you. I see where you are coming from. I have been taking long hard look at myself. What did I do wrong? I was not the right match for him after 20 years. I recovered the illness, I went back to school, I got my education and I started building a career. He wanted me to work and be a "stay at home wife", I couldn't do it without help. I insisted that he be a part of the family, the relationship, the inner circle of home. I insisted. I was maybe to insistent. Maybe I didn't know how to be HIS wife. But I do know how to be a good wife.

[Smitty1]

Once he leaves how is going to be able to keep his own place clean and keep up with his drinking schedule. Sounds like your gonna be missed real soon, so get ready for the i cant live without you speech. But seriously, even a bad relationship hurts when its over but you can use the time to rebuild your self esteem.

[Jane0815]

I am not a good housekeeper anymore.

I managed to go back to school, and get a good job that doubled our income.

his sexual dysfunction was because he couldn't get it on in a dirty house.....

he drank and drove A LOT because the house was dirty. the sexual

if I would just do one simple thing and clean the house he would love me.

He cannot maintain erection (hasn't for 20 years),

 

 

Hi Victoria,

 

I haven't read the other responses, just have to say the above is lunatic.

 

For comparison:

My xH was pretty clean-conscious, and more than a little inhibited; even if I'd tried to do half of the housework, I'm TERRIBLE at it and create messes everywhere, and can live with things getting pretty dirty. (Don't like it, but won't take care of it myself.) He still managed to get me done. Why? No performance problems!

 

Right now it feels horrible, I'm sure - but you've got a lot of years of sexual enjoyment still ahead of you, so better to get rid of this guy NOW and go through a difficult divorce, heal and be available for LIFE.

[VictoriaInTexas]

Well, let's just keep adding to the "how great it is to be me" series at this point. It seems that everyday something else happens; I am surprised at myself at this point. I should go and strangle him, but I'm not. However; (A little history) we needed to change insurance companies because we were just paying too much, I called and got a quote from Allstate. We like the quote and decided we'd switch. He said that he would take care of it. He went down and paid for the first month to get us started with Allstate. BUT THE IDIOT NEVER CALLED THE OLD COMPANY TO CANCEL!!!!) I got a bill in the mail yesterday for 800.00 worth of insurance. When I called him and asked him about it, the idiot told me that I didn't need to worry about it because we don't owe the bill. WHAT??? How can we not owe the bill, we never cancelled the insurance? Bottom line, we do owe the money, or I should say that I do at this point, because idiot left me with the mess. But he actually told me that we don't have to pay the bill because we cancelled on the 6th we just never called the insurance company and told them we were cancelling!!!! He actually told me to call the insurance company and tell them that!??!! As if the insurance company will just say that's acceptable.

 

Remember that saying about every day forcing you to add the list of people who can kiss your a**? Well, that's how I feel, except the first ten names on the list are his at this point.

 

I bless you people for letting me vent here, like this. I would just explode if I had to carry all this around inside.

 

So, today marks one week of pure hell. Let's recap:

 

Last Sunday- I got an email saying that he is having an affair with his boss

 

Last Monday- He cleaned out our checking and savings accounts and didn't come home

 

Last Tuesday- He came picked up some of his belongings, I filed for divorce

 

Last Wednesay- He told me that he cleaned out the accounts because I shouldn't have reacted in an upset way over the email and lets not forget that he said I locked him out of the house......he had keys, he could have come home.....jerk

 

Last Thursday- I went out of town for a business meeting, I hate travel, but thank God, I got to go.

 

Last Friday- He told me that he will "allow" me and our son to stay in the house if I will agree to not ask for 1/2 the money he took from the accounts, if I won't ask for any of his 401K and if I will settle for support based on part of his income........sheech!

 

Saturday- I got a bill from an insurance company for 800.00 and he told me that he was sorry that I thought it was a "mess", and that I would have to deal with it. I changed the locks on the house. Now I have officially locked him out.

 

Today(Sunday)- so far, so good. It's 3:30 pm and nothing yet.........

[avman]

Sorry to hear you are having it rough.

 

First, call the insurance company and explain the situation. Chances are they will let you cancel and you won't owe the $800. Insurance companies make you pay in advance for the insurance so it's not like other things where you get the service and then you have to pay. Since you haven't received the insurance coverage yet you can likely cancel all or most of the coverage.

 

The judge will look very unfavorably on his cleaning out the accounts. So make sure you and your lawyer use it to your advantage. I know it's very frustrating but you will get that money back in the property settlement. The judge might just hit him with some extra fines just to teach him a lesson.

 

Good call in locking him out of the house. He sounds like a total jerk.

[Jane0815]

Wondering what gem he'll come up with today ...

[VictoriaInTexas]

The Gem? He said take the agreement to my attorney (yep I got one, yep I filed for divorce). I did. Then he changed his mind. You all will love this; of the support he agreed to he wants me to

continue to pay his cell bill -after all it is in my name-

continue to pay his truck insurance-after all it is already established

and he wants the dogs awarded to him (not a problem) BUT he wants me to keep them and care for them.

 

When all is said and done (that is after I pay all his bills for him-out of the support-it cuts down by more than half). So, no agreement.

 

Did you ever hear someone say that a person's dog takes on the owners personality........thus the reason I don't mind if he is 'awarded' his dogs.

 

I got a courtesy call from my cell company, "Someone" attempted to change the account information....wonder who whould have tried that? No go Joe, I thought of that and put a security code on all the phones, utilities and anything else that I could think of the day before this "Attempt".

 

I got his cell bill in for the month of July.....he spent a total of 543 minutes (that's 8.9 hours on the phone) in a month on the phone with this woman that he is "NOT" having an affair with,and over 6 hours of that was spent between the hours of 10:00 p and 1:00 a, I go to bed at 9:30-wonder when her husband goes to bed? You all tell me, isn't that a bit curious for a man who isn't having an affair with his boss, who by the way (no offence to anyone) is 61 years old-my husband is 41.

 

At any rate, I've been a bit down today. My youngest started his first job today. He won't be home until after 11:00 pm.

 

I had to tell our sons (16 and 18). I told them that they should leave the door open for a relationship with their dad. I told them that they may one day want a relationship with him, and that if they close the door now, it will be difficult later to open it again. They are both VERY angry.

 

Our 18 year old moved out a couple of months ago and hasn't really spoken to his dad since then, so I'm pretty sure that their relationship was on the outs before all of this.) The 16 year old told me that he has never really had a dad in the first place, that the only advise his dad ever gave him was in the seventh grade when my husband apparently told our son "don't get laid".

 

In two months I've gone from having a house full of life with my sons wrestling in the floor, and tickling me in our little "funny wars", a husband who actually came home to tonight; I sit here in complete silence,the only sound I can hear is the sound of my tears. This hurts beyond all that I could imagine. This silence is so deafening.

[annie24]

wow - I am so sorry. i don't know what to say. (((BIG HUG))) from me. hang in there. people out there are pulling for you!

[avman]

You can still have that wonderful life with your sons. I know things look rough right now and I won't kid you that the divorce will not be a fun process. But this is a process you are going through in return for the long term benefit of a better life.

[Jane0815]

You deserve SO much better - and you're going to get it.

[Cherishluv]

Oh my God, I think that he's my soon to be ex's twin. My husband of 17 years is doing the same things. Drinking, infidelity, emotional, economic abuse,sexual dysfunction, blaming me for his un-happiness. Taking money out of our joint account. Threatening to stop helping with bills if I seek part of pension, and ask for my half of the money he took. My hubby did this while I was out of state attending my brother's funeral! My mother-in-law informed me of his intentions to divorce me. He has isolated me from all friend and family, denied me a car and gave me only $30 a week allowance. I worked full-time for 13 years faithfully depositing all my money into the joint accounts. He controlled the finances and all the bills were in his name. Now he's divorcing me and doesn't want me to seek my due. Where is the money? He was economically irresponsible.

 

I hope you can get a low cost attorney. I did. He's going to get his fees from my STBXH. My STBXH thinks that I am going to sign for an "un-contested" divorce. He is in for a rude awakening! Fight back !

[VictoriaInTexas]

Well, we're two days away from the first court hearing. I would be fooling myself if I didn't admit that my insides are best likened at this point to tenderized scraps of meat.

 

I did find him. He has taken up with a woman who is into (and getting him into) some weird cult-like religion. I know that he is seeking something, but what he will find in the end is the same kind of slow-torture-high-pressure-gut-ripping pain. After all, we do eventually reep that which we have sown....right.

 

I hate the weekends now. They just bring lots of pain and too much time to think - and hurt.

 

If any of you pray, please pray for me. I am suppose to meet with him on Sunday to discuss the nature of this business before our Tuesday morning with the judge.

[Cherishluv]

I've kept you in my prayers ever since I read your post. It is painful, this I know. How do you deal with the loneliness, and the heartache? I don't drink nor am I into recreational drugs, so is there anything that a doctor can prescribe for this, at times I feel I can't bear it.

 

cherish

[micy226]

A dirty house driving someone to drink and drive, is this man OCD? Or looking for an EXCUSE.

 

Ugh, you should not be expected to do all the housework on your own. I can't believe he'd even expect that from you, especially after the stroke and all. I mean, what did he do to clean the house during the (probably months or even years) while you recovered? I just can't believe that. Have you tried hiring a maid regardless? I mean you did double your income (which is quite an accomplishment after that stroke, congratulations!)

 

First things first though. He probably needs to be in A.A. if he has a drinking and driving problem (multiple times). Get him there and find a way to get the house clean (probably hire someone). Hopefully he'll start recovering from his alcoholism and then you can work on the cleaning thing. Try to get him to share the chores. If you both work 40hrs+ it's only fair that you split the chores.

[micy226]

Oh my God, I think that he's my soon to be ex's twin. My husband of 17 years is doing the same things. Drinking, infidelity, emotional, economic abuse,sexual dysfunction, blaming me for his un-happiness. Taking money out of our joint account. Threatening to stop helping with bills if I seek part of pension, and ask for my half of the money he took. My hubby did this while I was out of state attending my brother's funeral! My mother-in-law informed me of his intentions to divorce me. He has isolated me from all friend and family, denied me a car and gave me only $30 a week allowance. I worked full-time for 13 years faithfully depositing all my money into the joint accounts. He controlled the finances and all the bills were in his name. Now he's divorcing me and doesn't want me to seek my due. Where is the money?

 

Oh I wish I hadn't heard your story over and over before. From your speaking in the past tense, I hope that means you've set up your own bank account and have your paychecks depositing into your personal account lol. It sucks that he isn't guilty enough to give you what you deserve for money. Even if you can't get half his pension, hopefully you can get the money back from your joint account. Try to push that, definitely. Also if he has accrued any debt behind your back...try to get that put all on him. I know of an unfaithful husband who bought his mistress's marital home, fixed it up and sold it, and then bought her a condo (all in his name!) Not to mention he drove his wife by the condo, and took his daughter and her friend to the condo when he expected his mistress to be home. What is wrong with these guys!