Stranded Alone in the Desert

[desertnomad]

I have been reading the posts on here for about a week and decided to finally post my sad story about being left after a long term relationship. I just could use a little support. My girlfriend and I had moved to Arizona about a year ago from Michigan. Times were rocky there but we still managed to stay together and make alot of good memories. After we had moved here last year things stabled out quite a bit we both had good jobs and this summer were looking for a house to buy. Yeah we had issues like communication problems and occasional arguments but not all out fights except for one about six months ago. I thought we were committed though despite those issues. We did everything together and made tons of memories here. In June we went to disneyland and the beach and had a great time without a single argument. A few weeks after that she left work early one day on a Friday and when I got home all that was left was a note. She was going back to live with family in another state. She wouldnt answer her cell phone or respond to any email messages. I didnt get a response for two weeks on email and when she finally did turn the phone on she wouldnt answer and then would turn it off if I called. For weeks I didnt know if she was even ok...which was equally as hard because I always looked out for her. I found out a few weeks after she left she was not even in the state her family was in and then I found out later she had met a guy from an art site online who came here from another state and hooked up with her the very day she left me! She had been talking to him for many months here behind my back and even had a cell phone I didnt know about. She of course claimed he was 'just a friend' but now I see them posting love yous on the art site to each other. I thought she was my best friend. We did everything together and had so much fun. After she left when we finally did talk she would blame me for everything even stuff that I know I wasnt responsible for. I readily admit my mistakes but it really wasnt so bad here not for either of us. She abandoned me and betrayed me and tossed me aside like I was nothing. We did and had all the 'special' little things two people have. Its been over six weeks and every place around here is another place we went to that reminds me of us. Its one thing for someone to leave and need space ...to lie and go off with someone else and not even care about the other persons feelings after four years seems extremely cold hearted. She said I didnt trust her but I know I did because I could never feel so betrayed if I hadnt trusted her. I planned on being with her without a doubt for the rest of my life. Yes I had complaints about her but I accepted her despite those. She obviously didnt accept me for all my shortcomings. I know noone here at all. She and her daughter were my family. How do you get over this?

[shamus]

Welcome to ena nomad...

 

wow that really sucks...I went through a similar situation earlier this year. do you really want to be with someone who would so callously throw you away and treat you like crap, even getting another cell phone to talk to that guy? you probably want her back, I wanted my ex back so badly, despite all she did so i know what you are feeling.

 

take time for yourself...AZ is great (I actually live in Scottsdale) and there are a lot of things to do here especially when the weather cools down. and there are plenty of bars and clubs out here as well, so many people, trust me, you will be fine. I have a new gf who blows my ex out of the water, so dont worry...keep your chin up

[desertnomad]

Thanks for the reply Shamus. I actually work in Scottsdale and have heard about the bars and clubs but have not actually gotten to one yet. Your right I did want her back badly despite all that she did. Part of me thinks I could have forgiven her and wants to excuse her actions which she justified by blaming me for everything and then part of me realizes why the hell would I want someone back who would be as callous as she was towards me. She said she did nothing wrong and had nothing that needed to be forgiven and has no regrets.She had no emotion at all towards me after she left and I thought we were much better than that.

[shamus]

yep sounds familiar...

 

I was the one who was always wrong, she never did any wrong in her eyes.

trust me, in the long run you will be better off. you will just keep going through that drama, and i bet at times you felt like you walked on eggshells.

what she did was wrong.

be happy she is gone. if you got her back, you would never be able to trust her again. be with someone who wants to be with you.

some good bars clubs in scottsdale-Barcelona, devil's martini, martini ranch, maloneys(on shea and the 101) and old town is loaded with them. grab a few friends and head out there. even desert ridge marketplace has a few cool places to hang and chill...fat tuesday, the keg, tgifridays, pumphouse.

 

start exploring around here, you will be happy you did

[desertnomad]

I will try out some of those places. Sometimes I dont even feel like going out anywhere just sleeping. She actually emailed me a little while ago and asked me for some money to help her with an apt. She left me most of our money when she left cuz she made more than me and I might not be able to afford the lease and bills we had. But then she changed her mind I guess after her summer of fun and running up her credit card bills. Because I didnt respond to her demand for money quick enough she fired off some really nasty emails about seeing my true colors and how thats ok it was worth giving up any money to see that..then she said to have a nice life and never to contact her again a message that was further reinforced by a nasty email from her new 'friend'. Thanks for the tips on the clubs.

[Donster]

DesertNomad, sounds like you are in a tough situation with a not-so-good person who has truly treated you like crap. You deserve much better than that. starting no contact immediately is what you need to help you through all this. You don't need calls from her or text messages. So block them. You don't need any nasty emails like this, so block them. She is clearly still treating you like crap, and you really don't have to stand for it. You're better than that, and you're stronger than that, and you should never let anyone do that to you. She's the one who has shown her true colors.

 

Like Shamus, you'll eventually find someone new in your life who will be so much better than your ex. And you'll forget all about her and you'll wonder why you even wanted your ex back!

[desertnomad]

Funny thing is in one email she told me that one day I would wonder why I was ever with her...I cant help but keep blaming myself because a year ago and a couple times before that I had called her a couple names in a few fights we had but nothing in the last year when things stabled out much more or so I thought. but she kept bringing up that and all the things I had done wrong even though she gave out as good as she got. She claimed the guy was just a friend and was mad at me for thinking she was screwing someone else and that I couldnt see 'past my own eyelashes' but what else was I too think? She left with him and went on a roadtrip with him. At best it was emotional cheating on me for many months. I never cheated on her and was totally committed to her. I would have gone to counseling or done anythign to save us and told her so but she just left. She didnt necessarily treat me like crap when we were spending time together but she always had this other side to her when she was at work and had this attitude like 'what happens at work (or on the internet) stays at work. I had trust issues with her with the internet or at work because she had lied to me before about several things one major thing with another guy. I did forgive and forget but then she did it again. She had two distinct personalities to her and it seemed like she was being phony for a long time with me. She has shown her true colors at least her bad side.Thanks for your comments it really helps.

[shamus]

nomad,

Same thing happened with me. was willing to go to counselling to resolve our issues, and 2 weeks later found out she was screwing someone else.

and yes, i went through her emotional cheating and manipulation as well. and she had 2 personalities as well, one was sweet and kind, the other plain mean-picking fights with me for no reason...calling me names all the time. yet when we fought and i fought back, i was the bad guy.

 

bottom line, delete everything you have of hers, emails, textx, phone numbers. eventually you will breathe a sigh of relief that you dont need that drama in your life

[desertnomad]

yeah I agree I dont need that drama. We couldnt just have a simple argument or fight and then make up it had to be the end of the world even though we didnt fight often. She would always bring up everthing from the past to bury me with and thats always a bad sign they say. Forget makeup sex with someone whos not ever willing to see their part or make up.

[desertnomad]

I honestly just dont know how i am going to make it some of these days. She was my sunshine despite what she did and i was grateful to have her every single day. I told her twice a day I loved her and kissed her even if I didnt do much of the other romantic things I could have done for her lately. The daily grind did come between us some during the week and we were much less than we were capable of being. Funny she never told me she loved me unless it was in response to me...maybe one email or two but hardly ever. We traveled the country together and went places we had dreamed about. It hurts to think I wasnt enough for her... that I couldnt be what she needed or wanted even though she left and betrayed me. I made alot of mistakes but I did some good things too. I know she is not blameless for this but why I didnt do more to make sure we were on solid ground I dont know. Describing the number of things we did and places we went to would take up an 80 gig harddrive. She was special to me and I always saw her as my second chance in life after a tough divorce years before. I cant help but think I blew it.

[shamus]

there isnt much you can do at this point except continue to live your life. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.

many of us on here went through the same thing. I thought my ex was "the one" and I would have spent my life with her. But why? all the drama, no thanks.

you dont need that either...you shouldnt have to work so hard for someone to stay with you, after all you did for her, many of us tend to say that. I am glad to be with someone who appreciates me and what i have to offer...

 

remember all the negative things, it will make it easier...for me it was her cheating, always going online talking to other guys, blaming me for everything, calling me names and picking fights for no reason, me feeling like I had to walk on eggshells all the time. just no thank you

 

so be good to yourself, focus on work, keep busy. nights will probably be the hardest for you for a while.

[lioness726]

Oh, honey, after reading this post of yours I have to say that I was there.

 

My ex never completely cheated on me. I know he made out with a girl that we knew (one that he wasn't even attracted to), and had a slight internet affair with a girl on an online message board. Now, I know a lot of people on here will say (because people around me have said it), "Oh, come on. You really think that's all he's done?" But I know in my GUT that there was never anything worse than that. I knew in my gut that his actions weren't exactly "kosher", but there was never anything else.

 

But yes, he emotionally cheated on me via internet I believe a couple of times. And the thing is, I had heard from other people that with other girls he had previously dated he had cheated or done things that weren't right.

 

With my ex it was like whatever girl that came along and gave him attention and showed interest, he just couldn't pass it up. I knew he loved me but I guess I wasn't enough... Doesn't really bother me as much now because during our three years, I was hurting too many times from his actions that eventhough I miss the memories, love, and all the incredible times, I really didn't want to deal with the constant feeling of jealousy, betrayal, and hurt. I wanted love with out the taint. And that's what it was, tainted love.

 

You are better off without this girl for someone to do you wrong the way she has, she's really doesn't deserve you. Yes, people make mistakes but not like this. She didn't appreciate you. Someone BETTER will.

[desertnomad]

Wow my ex and yours sound very similiar. She just couldnt say 'no' to anyone that showed her any attention even guys that hadnt emailed in over two years. You are right she didnt appreciate me despite all the effort I put into us. She claimed I didnt show her appreciation but it goes both ways. I always felt her distance and judgment of everything about me. My ex spent weeks with this guy at his home in another state after their little roadtrip. Certainly not a normal friendship. Like you I do miss the memories and all the great times and I still miss her sitting here alone in our two bedroom apartment we had for the two of us and her daughter. But,I dont miss all the feelings like something was wrong or the suspicions that she was being dishonest with me about something. Yeah I was suspicous at times but maybe it wasnt suspicion just some kind of gut feeling about her. Your right it was tainted love...she wasnt honest with me. Thanks very much for the comments.

[lioness726]

Yes, it seems that the insecure folk just can't give up the attention. I'm sorry your ex was one of them. It was something that I hated about my relationship with my ex. It hurt me constantly because I would even look at these girls, compare them to me, and they always came up short. I think that was one reason why my ex had such a hard time leaving me (because he always came back). I mean, even his friends would all tell him I was hot and that they were surprised I was dating him.

 

These girls that my ex would emotionally cheat on me with were tramps next to me. All the things he told me that he loved about my looks or body, these girls didn't have. So, I never could understand why he did it. It would be one thing if they were Angelina Jolie or something.

 

It's funny because I think he couldn't ignore women's interest because it wasn't something that was constantly thrown at him. When I would go to bars with him or clubs with my gf's, I would constantly get hit on. And even though I'm pretty insecure myself, I always had no problem turning guys down or telling them I had a bf. It was like I was proud to have him, and I wanted to show him off. I even got a fake engagement ring for when I would go out. It was really pretty too, lol.

 

And desertnomad, you are right, it's not "just a friendship" between your ex and that guy. That's the biggest load of BS I have ever heard. I can't believe she would pull that card on you. I mean, she's still lying AFTER you guys have broken up. Thanks to my ex, I can't stand liars or people who omit information.

 

My ex never completely, full out lied to me. He just left out information, or declined to tell me things. I used to have to fight and tell him that NOT telling me was just as bad, if not worse, than lying.

 

I know you feel stranded, but in time you will realize the burden that has been taken off your shoulders. My ex and I split only two months ago from a three year relationship, after I decided it was time. We had broken up two other times prior to that and both times were HIS decision. I couldn't take it anymore.

 

I'm still hurting and occasionally I have my relapses. But the constant worry, wondering, pain from previous betrayals, and pain because of trust issues is now gone. Unfortunately all I have left is the love I had for him, and the memories, but I'll always have that. I just have to learn to get past that now.

 

I also have to learn how to trust someone. I think that will be the most difficult. While I was with my ex, I thought that all men were liars and cheaters. I heard stories about it all the time and looked at my ex and thought, "I'm doomed. Maybe those guys that are faithful don't exist. Might as well stick with this one."

Silly, I know. Sad, mostly. But after posting on these boards, and seeing that there are a lot of men here that were completely faithful, just shows me that there are faithful men around. Just as I know I'm as faithful and loyal as they come, it's not just a gender specific thing.

 

But you'll pull through with time. You can always post away here or feel free to PM me or anybody!

[desertnomad]

Yes! You are sooo right. Leaving out information is the same as lying because it has the same purpose to be deceitful. If you feel like you have to hide it then it just means you probably shouldnt be doing it to begin with. My ex not only flat out would lie to me she would never communicate or share things with me. I have my insecurities too but her never sharing anything about her life just drove me crazy. I felt like she was hiding something...which she was in the end. Yeah I do feel stranded. She did stuff for me and we had good times so I do miss her but yeah she was still lying to me. In the beginning of our relationship she lied to me about some online guy 'friend' but then I saw an email from him which he signed 'lover' and she said she had no idea why he would sign it that way. Then I found icq chat messages between them that were pretty sexual that went on the first month we lived together. Even after confronting her about those messages she lied more about their relationship that she didnt know I knew about. I let it go though and forgave her. But she obviously was a compulsive liar when the opportunity arose to lie about something. Your right the burden of wondering if theres something going on is gone. But like you I feel the hurt and have the relapses along with the love I felt for her. It was true genuine love. I would have NEVER cheated on her she was the one I cared about and looked out for. Thankfully there is this forum because like you said I might have thought bad about the opposite sex completely but I see alot of the same stories from both men and women. There are guys that are committed and are trustworthy. Have a great day 8)

[desertnomad]

Shamus, thanks for the comments...its been some dark days here lately. Your right I shouldnt have to work so hard just just for someone to stay with me. She always complained about me trusting her but she Never communicated with me at all and on top of that lied. Theres no way trust can grow without communication. That is a big negative I will remember about her. Never sharing and always hiding things. We would have phone conversations where if I didnt talk I swear it would be dead air so I just felt pressed to ask her about stuff just to continue the conversation. I still miss her or at least the thought of her.