Concerned About Fiance's Faithfulness...

[Towny]

I've written about my relationship before, but now we are two weeks away from our wedding and I have serious suspicions that my girlfriend/fiance has been "unfaithful" in the last month. Sorry for the length.

 

Let me first explain again that I do trust her in the sense that I don't think (98% sure) that she has ever cheated on me in the last 2 1/2 years, but she is a very gregarious and "fun" girl to be around when she's out with people. She has always had more male friends than female, but I've been OK with this since I've met the majority of those male friends and even hang out with a few of them. From all we've been through, I know that although she may get angry and depressed, she has good intentions so I would always give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway, within the last month or so she has joined a bowling league on Monday nights (it sounds redneck, but it's actually a younger, "hipper" crowd, I guess). She joined it with her friend (male, whom I trust) and her maid-of-honor (whom just got un-engaged last year). I know that there is a group of people that go to the alley every week and obviously most are guys. The first couple times she went, they all had gone out for a couple drinks after playing and she was home at midnight or thereabouts. She never mentioned much about it, but I knew she liked it and I was glad she finally had an activity to look forward to. But two weeks ago I woke up at 1:30AM and she was still not home. I called and got no answer. I couldn't sleep so I layed in bed until 2:30 and called again. No answer. She finally came in at 3AM and came downstairs and asked if everything was OK and she was surprised I was so upset, but she just said they all went out for a while to another bar and it got late. I told her to please call me if she was going to be late like that because I get worried, especially if I am not sure who she's with or where she is that late at night. She said 'sorry' and was actually apologetic, but also didn't elaborate on anything else from that night. I accepted it and went to bed.

 

Now, I do not condone my following actions, but I had the worst feeling in my stomach that whole night and also the next few days that something more had happened. I checked her phone and saw that she had text messages from her friend (the maid-of-honor) and they went something like, "Hey, did you know that (another female friend) told (the male friend whom I know) about everything after bowling?!" Now, I can't remember exactly what it said because I only read it once or twice, but I think my fiance's response was "She told him about (a guy they know from bowling) having his hands on you." Again, I know I shouldn't do that, but it was killing me those few days and it was all I had. I left that alone and thought about it for a while and hoped that what her friend meant by "everything" didn't include anything that I obviously would not like. (She also had a phone call from her friend while they were texting that day and my fiance went upstairs and lowered her voice while they talked. This rarely happens with her, but I also let it go.)

 

The next week she went out and was home around 1:00AM. Again, nothing was brought up and I didn't question anything. She had had her bachelorette party last week and got drunk with a lot of her friends but I know nothing happened that night, other than her friends making her hug strange guys, etc. Nothing that I would get mad at, in fact, I was glad she had fun. This Monday she went bowling again and came home around 11:00 because she was so tired from the weekend. So far, I had nothing to get suspicious about. (By the way, I did bring up that late night once during a lunch we had at a restaurant and I said jokingly that "she better be good" and she said "she always is", also jokingly. Then I joked back, "uh huh.......I don't know what you're doing out there" and she looked up a little and smiled slightly and said, "What am I doing?". I said, no, "I said 'I don't know'..." She said, "Oh...OK.")

 

So, at this point I had nothing to go on and felt a better about planning this wedding because I figured it was all in my head, but today I decided to check her messages again just to put my fears to rest. Well, again there was correspondence between her friend and her and my girlfriend asked if anything happened after she left early from bowling on Monday. The rest of it went something like this (I can't be exact):

 

Friend: "We played pool for a while, but that was about it."

Fiance: "Yeah, I was still tired . Now we know not to drink so much."

Friend: "It's not as much fun when you're not there"

Fiance: : )

Friend: "Two more weeks to go

Fiance: "I know I can't believe it went so fast."

Friend: "By the way, Johnny went home right after you left."

Fiance: "I saw that he disappeared....I didn't see him all night. I wanted to talk to him but too many people around."

Friend: [Can't Remember This: something about him leaving again]

Fiance: "He has to know that I didn't leave [me] for him."

Friend: "I think he got the picture."

Fiance: "Maybe because [some other guy] kept saying I didn't want to get married. [there was more here, but I forget]"

 

I can't recall the whole thing, but that was the gist. Now, it's obvious something happened, but I don't know what. What gets me is how she said "He has to know I didn't leave [me] for him." It wasn't "wouldn't" or "won't". This really concerns me. I am at a loss.

 

We have two weeks until this wedding and I don't know what to do. I can't say anything because I never speak with her friend or ever spoke with anyone that was there. Unless I confess to what I did I wouldn't be able to really address it unless I tried to coax it from her.

 

Other than this it has been pretty normal with us. It's all wedding planning and work, really. She has been a little nicer to me than usual, but maybe that's just the wedding or maybe it's in my head. It's really eating me away inside.

 

I guess my questions are:

 

1) What happened? If it was groping, I can deal with it. Kissing? Definitely worth me getting angry, but is it enough to cancel the wedding? More than that? No question, it's over.

 

2) Am I paranoid? If you have any interest about more background with our relationship I have posted a few other times. Might help with giving me some sound advice.

 

I appreciate anyone who read this and thank you for any and all opinions.

[RayKay]

Hum...well, obviously I am not going to condone snooping...because generally when you snoop, you go in with a negative mindset and can see things in wrong way anyway (plus that whole trust issue thing!).

 

However, I do find aside from what you have read....her sudden changes in behaviour a little odd. The not coming home until 3 am without a call, for example. I am assuming you live together here, and I guess for me, it's not only respectful to let your partner know when you are late, but also there is no question in my mind of doing so.

 

If these are "new habits" for her, it is odd.

 

I am not saying she is cheating, but I am saying she seems to be being influenced by something...either being tempted, by her friend (female) to have "fun" or she is indeed "thinking" about cheating. Of course, I think the dishonesty is in itself a form of cheating at this point as it is certainly not healthy towards your relationship or "committed".

 

As for being nicer...it may be out of guilt, or to avoid suspicion..or heck, she might just be excited. I don't know.....I guess I would find it weird that someone was not respectful/nice all the time to you if they are the one you are marrying, but if suddenly there was a huge shift, it would raise my curiosity.

 

Now on to the texts which I don't condone...um, going by those...there is a problem. She may not have done anything, and she may have said no to a situation which was being presented...but there is something to it. I definitely think the "hands all over you" and "not leaving" things are..suspicious to say the least. Indicates something physical happened, and that maybe there was an expectation she was going to end things with you..maybe.

 

My advice...time to talk. Now, before the wedding. Note that you have noticed she has been behaving differently, and you do not think it is just pre-wedding jitters. See what she comes back with.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

My advice is that you have to confront her about all this. With the wedding only 2 weeks away you can't go through with it if you are being consumed by these thoughts. Tell her everything you know, yes, you were checking up on her, but she gave you ample reason to be suspicious in my opinion.

 

To me, it sounds like one of 2 things happened. She got a little drunk and things got a little out of hand with one of the guys she's friends with. It also sounds like this friend has a thing for her and it trying to break you up. Your fiance doesn't want you to worry so she's keeping this from you.

 

Or, she really did go over the line, cold feet, whatever and did something she shouldn't have with one of her friends.

 

You do have the proof that something fishy is up regardless. Answer this to yourself honestly. Can you really get married to this woman if you have doubts about her fidelity? And if you did, how long would the marriage last if you held this all in and let it eat at you like it's already starting too.

 

Talk to her, tell her you know something happened, and ask what. Just make sure to be completely aware of her. I'm sure if you're marrying this woman you already know how to tell if she's lying to you.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think you should confront her about what was in the text messages. Quite frankly if you are going so far as to check her messages you are already quite suspicious so do you think you will be able to let this go with out any answers?

 

From what you have posted I would be worried. The content sounds suspicious and the fact that her behaviour changed (lowering her voice and leaving the room) while taking a call from her friend would indicate something is possibly up. Also her staying out until 3am doesnt sound to good for a marriage especailly if she didnt call you to tell you shes ok.

 

I would simply say to her "so XXXX, how do you know [man you suspect shes invovled with]." or "do you mind telling me about [man you suspect shes involved with]." Her initial reaction will tell you everything.

[rose2summer]

Ah, your situation is quite saddening. I am sorry you are going through this. I think something is up, it's so easy to be in denial when you care about something, but as others have said, if you had inclination to check, then deep down you know something is wrong. Don't marry her until you get this cleared up. I have a feeling she isn't going to want to confess if she did do something wrong, but remember marriage is a very serious very permanent arrangement, and be sure to remind her of this, so you don't want to get trapped with someone who wants to either a) break it off with you already, b) has cheated on you with a male friend, or c) is one-foot in one-foot out, not sure if she loves you, or all of the above. Please talk to her ASAP and get this cleared up because in my opinion someone who is getting married should not be out until 3AM drunk with male buds doing who knows what.

[tylercdurden2004]

Um glancing at your other threads, I think it might be best to put the wedding on hold here. You mentioned about her secret guy friend you've never met, you mentioned red flags given by her and some of her friends, you mentioned she wants to know all the details about your friends and is insecure.

 

Why do you want to get married if you are not 100% sure? Doesnt the pain of having to go through all this PLUS kids scare you off? Marriage doesnt cure all.

[rose2summer]

I completely agree. This is not a case of cold feet on Towny's part, but a serious underlying issue. It either needs to be resolved ASAP as in the next few days or call off the wedding right now because guests need to be informed. I just have a bad gut instinct about this and I really hope Towny that you will discuss this with her immediately and take some action on the issue because something just isn't quite right, and I have finally learned to follow my gut instinct. You obviously know better than me because you lived this firsthand and I am just reading what you write, but something is out of place.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Please talk to her ASAP and get this cleared up because in my opinion someone who is getting married should not be out until 3AM drunk with male buds doing who knows what.

 

Completely agreed. A woman with male friends is not a bad thing, but when she disappears for hours with men, one who obviously has a thing for her, she doesn't answer her phone, and in light of all the other evidence you've found on your own. That's a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

I know I said that you should talk to her, but personally, if it was me, and considering everything you already know already. I'd be canceling the wedding right now. It's nothing wrong that you did, in fact I think you're trying to be TOO nice (read, kind of a pushover). She's marrying you after all, it's been 2 1/2 years.. You deserve some kind of respect.

 

And it is obvious that she's hiding SOMETHING from you. Not good considering it's only 2 weeks to the wedding.

[birdgirl]

I don't know, I don't understand the "he has to know" part. It makes no sense.

 

Also, things can very often not be what they seem. I stumbled upon a very bad-sounding text message (okay, I snooped), I FREAKED, and did some more snooping and by sheer coincidence, what I found was completely innocent.

 

What can you do? Do you think she'll be frank with you?

 

The "he has to know" part sounds odd. Like there's more to the story that you don't know about, and it may not be so bad.

[tylercdurden2004]

I don't know, I don't understand the "he has to know" part. It makes no sense.

 

Also, things can very often not be what they seem. I stumbled upon a very bad-sounding text message (okay, I snooped), I FREAKED, and did some more snooping and by sheer coincidence, what I found was completely innocent.

 

What can you do? Do you think she'll be frank with you?

 

The "he has to know" part sounds odd. Like there's more to the story that you don't know about, and it may not be so bad.

 

 

Wow! Brainwave. Of course he has to know. He has to know whether its something innocent or something not so innocent. I would not take anything she says at face value but I would be looking at her ACTIONS. Already her actions seem to be out of place for someone about to get married.

[RayKay]

Wow! Brainwave. Of course he has to know. He has to know whether its something innocent or something not so innocent. I would not take anything she says at face value but I would be looking at her ACTIONS. Already her actions seem to be out of place for someone about to get married.

 

Agreed. I know marriage is the last thing I would want to be heading to with someone whom was behaving VERY fishy and secretive all of a sudden.

 

I would rather KNOW, and call of the wedding...then NOT know, play naive and get married to someone whom clearly was not committed. Going by other posts, this is not the first time there has been something "strange" going on.

 

Maybe it is innocent...and if it is, her response when he talks to her will indicate that. If she isn't...he will be able to see if it he watches for it....look at her reaction and actions, not words.

[Iceman26]

I agree with everything everyone has been telling you. You need to bring this wedding to a screeching halt until you have a long talk with her and get some things straightened. The first issue being she needs to cut back on the "Girls Gone Wild" lifestyle.

 

She isn't acting like a committed woman. Hanging out at bars until 3 AM, hanging out with a bunch of dudes at these bars, secretive text messages and phone calls, all point to the fact that you and your fiance need to get some things straightened out.

 

You have been too much of a nice guy with her. I sense that somehow you fear being upfront with her and putting your foot down. You can't ignore this or put it off for a myriad of reasons.

 

Getting married to her is not going to change her. She isn't going to magically stop hanging out with these barflies just because she has a ring on her finger.

[Towny]

Thank you all for giving me your honest opinion.

 

I must say that in my heart of hearts I want to stop this and it kills me to even think about it. But like Iceman said, I am a "nice" guy and it is true that I have paid dearly for it in the past. The other problem is that her father died from cancer four years ago and now her mother is terminally ill with cancer also. We were unsure whether she would even make it to the wedding. She is so deeply pained by her father's death and her mother's condition that she has needed to go on medication so as not to completely break down. If I decide to call this off..........it will crush her. Not only that, but I can see how her depression might lead to something even worse. It hurts me to even think about that.

 

I have decided that I will talk to her even though I believe it may be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I can't take this anymore. Thinking about how our family has put so much effort to make this a great wedding for her and now I have to consider ending months of planning, let alone the money involved, makes me sick.

 

But, again, thank you all for giving me an objective outlook on my situation, I appreciate it.

[Iceman26]

I was the nice guy too Towny, and still am, I just learned the hard way that there is a difference between being a nice guy, and what I will tolerate and what I won't tolerate.

 

I am sorry to hear about her mom, and the situation you are facing.

 

Just remember that even though you will have some tough days ahead, they would have been 10 times tougher had you decided to go through with the wedding with the way things are right now.

 

Please keep us posted on what happens and how you are doing, and good luck.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Yes, I was the nice guy too. You don't have to be such a nice guy to the point where you brush off being disrespected all the time. Refuse to be a doormat and you won't be one.

 

I'm glad to hear that you've decided to talk to her. Remember, if you feel that she isn't being truthful with you (you know her well so you will know if she's lying) or if she admits that there is something going on, best to cancel the wedding. There is no way you can "quick fix" this so everything is OK in time for the wedding. If you think she's lying or there was something going on and you decide to go through with the wedding, trust me, you'll only be making things 100 times worse.

 

Bottom line, like someone said already, she's about to get married, it's way past time for her to give up her "Girls Gone Wild" ways and start acting like a woman in a committed relationship. How she's treating you is completely disrespectful of a kind man.

[assumeLove]

Right now, you are not ready to marry (until these doubts are gone), and she may not be, either, if she's been cheating or flirting with cheating. You're stacking the deck against your marriage, and it's already somewhat stacked against you because you've been living together. If you plan to have kids, you're taking a huge gamble with their lives, too.

 

Please find a marriage education class, a member of the clergy who counsels engaged couples, or a marriage therapist, and start working this out tomorrow morning. It sounds like you've still got a great chance at a strong marriage that will last your lifetimes, if that's important enough to you to take action instead of just thinking about it.

[Towny]

Hello, just wanted to give an update as to what happened with my situation:

 

Well, I sat her down and told her that I thought something happened at one of her bowling nights. She was surprised, but she said nothing happened. I kept prodding her saying that I had a very bad feeling about it all and to please tell me the truth. She was really surprised but kept saying that she didn't know what I was talking about. So then I asked her about the text messages. She wasn't really defensive at all, more like she was surprised I was so upset. She said that nothing happened and that this guy did like her there and was "joking" that if she were to call off the wedding maybe they could go out. I asked her why she would write the text about her "leaving me" and, although she didn't really explain it, she was adamant about not cheating or doing anything at all. I pressed her for a little while, not hard, just saying I just didn't believe "nothing" happened. She was actually very concerned and comforting and determined to tell me why she wants to marry me and that she could never dream of doing something like that to me. After about a half-hour I settled down and we talked for a long time about us and straightened out a few things. But, I have to say, I did not see or hear anything that sounded false or too defensive. I told her that I believed her and I haven't mentioned it since.

 

That's the good part. Now, I've had a few days to think about the whole ordeal and I was OK there over the weekend, but something crept back up inside me yesterday and I just can't seem to shake it: If this guy was just "joking" about her breaking up with me and going out with him and it was all just one of those little flirtatious types of moments that everybody has from time to time in their lives, why did my fiance write "he should know that I didn't leave [me] for him"? That sounds a little extreme for some guy just casually joking around. And why did she say, "Why, did he say something about it"? What was "it"? Something about this just doesn't fit.

 

Ok, you may now say I'm overanalyzing it and making myself crazy after she told me more than once that nothing happened, but the more I think about it I just can't fit what she told me into the context of the messages. It seems to me there was at least an intense coversation or some type of physical contact that would make this guy think he actually had a chance. Why else would she want to talk with him that day but couldn't because there were "too many people around"? I don't get it.

 

Yeah, I am driving myself crazy. Her behavior is fine. She is being pretty normal and actually quite calm considering the fact that I accused her of cheating a few days ago. In fact, like I said, she hasn't mentioned it once since that night. Anyway, she is going out again tonight. We'll see, I guess.

[RayKay]

I don't think you are crazy, I think your gut is telling you something isn't right.

 

With good reason, as you are right, something does not fit. You may have been eager to believe in her though, or want to believe her, so accepted what she said.

 

Just because someone denies something, does not mean it isn't true....and given some of the other issues in this relationship, I am not entirely sure she is being totally honest.

 

But, I don't know her, or you. I just find something fishy here.

[tictactoe2006]

Please talk to her ASAP and get this cleared up because in my opinion someone who is getting married should not be out until 3AM drunk with male buds doing who knows what.

 

I second, third, and fourth that. My ex-wife, after a few months in her new job, started being out late for drinks and stuff with co-workers. I had no initial objection, as I have been known to throw a few back with my co-workers, so what not, right? Then it became later and later, and more and more buzzed upon arriving home, then lying about when she got home (I would be in bed, awake but with my eyes closed. Of course, turns out there was plenty going on.

 

Do yourself a favour: get out NOW. I know it hurts, and money's been spent, etc, but you don't want to end up like me: nearly at beark-even whilst paying outrageous child support to an adulterer.

[Iceman26]

Anyway, she is going out again tonight.

 

Did you have a talk with her about the late nights? I will restate that these are not the normal behaviors of a committed woman.

 

What would bother me even more is that she continues to put herself in situations where this guy is around.

 

I don't like any of this. She hasn't put that guy in his place, or else he wouldn't feel he had "a chance".

[tylercdurden2004]

I don't like any of this. She hasn't put that guy in his place, or else he wouldn't feel he had "a chance".

 

This really sums it up nicely.

 

People often make waaaaay to many excuses about girls and guys being friends when someone is in a committed relationship. We dont want to seem overbearing etc etc etc. But really if she cared for and RESPECTED you this guy would think otherwise. Trust me I did the same BS excusing. SHe woudl definitely be putting this guy in his place and not giving him any other thoughts.

 

Sure maybe she sees her actions as harmless. But is she doing anything to ensure you see them as harmless as well?

[Towny]

Thanks again for your responses.

 

I just wanted to clarify that this guy is not a friend of hers, but someone she met while out bowling with her friends. He is on another team and they had not known each other before this. She had been out late about four times and I know that for sure that at least on one occasion they were all drinking a little more than normal. But the night she came in at 3AM she did not appear to be drunk, but I am sure she had a few that night. I am thinking that this guy made some passes at her and was fishing for information and they all wound up going out to a bar afterward. Now, whatever was said or happened during one of these nights gave him the idea that he might have a chance with her. This would make the text messages make sense, rather than some guy joking around that he would date her if we broke up. Also, she did mention the other night that "she thought he was funny" which gets interpreted in my brain as "I thought he was attractive". Of course, that's my insane paranoia doing the translation for me.

 

However, she went out again last night and came home early. She even called me to tell me she was not staying out late. I told her that it's fine if she wants to stay out (I'm not her "keeper") and she said that she felt bad about making me feel 'that way', etc., etc. I do believe that she is done entertaining any thoughts she may or may not have had because I think they were all alcohol-fueled anyway (not that it's an excuse). But I do want to talk to her again about those other nights. I guess even if "nothing" happened in her eyes, I want to know what her definition of "nothing" is.

[Iceman26]

Dude, you really have to go with your gut instinct. Quit looking to her for answers to questions she isn't going to answer.

 

The bottom line is you don't completely trust her and have some serious questions about her character. That is more than enough to warrant holding off of a wedding.

[tylercdurden2004]

Now, whatever was said or happened during one of these nights gave him the idea that he might have a chance with her.

 

I am sorry mate but a girl and a guy for that matter that are about to be married do not let this happen, simple. Jeez dont you think if she is soooo excited to get married, which I hope any married person would be feeling, she would be talking about it non-stop and he would get the impression that it was hands off? Would you approach a girl who was sooo excited abotu getting married?

 

The other point is if she really wanted to be with you in ENTIRETY she would not even risk the chance that you would become uncomfortable. Would she?

 

 

Either you have a very very dumb girl on your hands or she is into "keeping her options open". Why would you want to marry a girl with either of these traits?

[RayKay]

Just another of my $0.02...(even in USD, not CDN)....

 

Guys have, and do hit on me when I am attached. I make it very, very, very clear I am not interested and am with someone. I am not even engaged to be married and I am absolutely committed to them. If they persist, I just stop talking to them.

 

If she has someone whom seems to believe that she would "leave for him", I am suspicious just to what she is doing to lead him on, to be honest.

 

I think you are being quite naive if you decide to just ignore what your gut is telling you, because she is telling you "there is nothing to worry about".