egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 My bf and I had a wonderful realtionship, and connected on so many levels. We were even planning on getting married. He is from a different country and culture than myself, but it has still worked so well. Just recently, his family announced they had a girl for him to marry, and he is now getting engaged tomorrow. He didn't want to disappoint his parents,, they are very traditional, so he is going with the engagement, reluctantly. He is still in love with me, and I am still in love with him. Becuase we didnt have time to heal or adjust to the news, or get used to the idea...we are still emotionally attached. He says he doesn't want to lose me. He keeps calling me and says he wants to see me, and talk to me everyday. Although behind his fiancee's back. I believe he is not ready to be engaged...and that is why he is feeling torn. What should I do? I am sooo broken hearted and depressed..and I don't want to let him go, although i know I should...but is it wrong to just be friends over email or the phone? Or do this until it just fades away on its own? What should i DO? Why is he doing this? He even called me to tell me how much he loved me and how much he was broken over this..the day before the engagement. He is ready and willing to see me, even with a fiancee..if he wants to do this, there is something wrong. This is killing me, I am soo confused and broken over this, please help...and soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilac_indi Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 what culture is he from? if he is that reluctant he should be man enough to stand up to his parents - if he doesnt then 3 lives will be ruined in the process. it is not fair on you and this girl he will be engaged to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 he is egyptian, i am american. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilac_indi Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 do his parents know about the pair of you? are they getting him engaged to that girl knowing that you two love each other? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 his father knew, and his brother, but his mother kinda knew...but she was determined to set him up with the girl of her choice. The mother didn't care much about how i feel because she feels i am different, she is very closed minded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilac_indi Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 okaay...the reason i asked is because i am indian and i used to have a white boyfriend which caused a lot of problems between me and my family. it ended up with us breaking up really badly. i suggest if you dont want to get hurt then i know this is gonna sound harsh but i think you should give him an ultimatum - i mean c'mon you dont want to be known as the 'other woman' do you? tell him that he has to make a decision - stand up to his parents or you walk. believe me if you stay, you will get hurt. sorry if that is not the answer you were looking for. if he loves you like he claims then he would fight for you instead of bowing down to his parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 so, if he calls me, after he gets engaged...which is actually today now...if he calls me tonight, should i give him an ultimatim to break off the engagement? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilac_indi Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 just tell him that you dont want to be with him if he is gonna belong to someone else - you are better than that right? he has to choose one or the other, he cant have both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 He didn't want to disappoint his parents,, they are very traditional, so he is going with the engagement, reluctantly It looks like he has already made his decision. If he contacts you again, you definitely should give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you have more character than to be involved with a person who will be in essense, cheating on their fiance. (It's still cheating, even if the the engagement is arranged) He has to make a decision. Do not be his side dish. If he wants to be with you then he needs to be there 100%- and not just expect you to be a crutch or temporary passtime for him while he is engaged, yet too scared to stand up to his parents. If he decides to keep this engagment then you are going to get very hurt if you stick around. Save yourself and walk away if he won't give you what you need. He says he doesn't want to lose me Actions speak louder than words. BellaDonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nottoogreen Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi egygirl, Welcome to eNotAlone, I spent a bit of time in Egypt. He may be very much under control of his culture and parents. Please do not expect too much. Does he/his family stay in Egypt? Is he financially sufficient? Where would you plan to live? You could advise him to sign up here and see how it goes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beyondthesea Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi hon, I would leave him alone. He will always try calling you and talking to you, etc. BUT If he really wanted to be with you, he would be straight up telling them he won't marry this girl because he's in love with you, period. I know a girl who is going through this same thing right now, and the men in these situations need to grow some b*lls and stand up for what they want. Culture/parents/etc shouldn't stand in the way if you really love someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hey honey, This is certainly a terrible blow I am sure to you. However, ultimately he can make his own decisions, and is an adult. If I were you I certainly would NOT settle for being his "backup" or girl on the side. If he chooses to get engaged, realize that by doing so he is directly choosing another women over you - no matter what words he says about not wanting to lose you, he IS choosing someone over you and telling you basically that what you have is not enough for him to say no to his parents and be with you. Please, please be strong enough to walk away from him should he get engaged. If he does call you when he gets engaged, tell him right then and there you want no part of him if he is now with another woman...the ONLY way you should be with him is if he ends the engagement with her. Do NOT settle for less than you deserve - and you deserve someone whom is 100% with YOU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Thank you everyone for your really good advice. He just called me again (hours before his engagement), as i was talking to another friend about what happened. And he is still telling me he loves me and I am not like any girl. I am special. And I took your advice, and gave him this ultimatum and that he has to choose, and if he chooses her then i have to move on. If he feels he wants to be with me, he will have to end it with her, regardless of what his parents think, they will get over it. But he has to think well, and choose, sooner than later. I told him if he doesn't, he will either hurt me, or hurt her by still being with me. He said he would. but again, he still wants to call me, and see me.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilac_indi Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 what did he say exactly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 well, in about 3 hours, they will have the engagement party. so, at this point, he cannot end it, not before the party, its too soon. But I told him, you need to choose me or her...and make it soon, and he said he would. but right now...since he was sneaking to talk to me without his family knowing...he just said he would think about it. and he will let me know what he chooses soon. i guess that is within the next week. He said, if he chooses me he will end the engagement. If not, he understands that i cannot stick around. So i guess now, he is going through with this engagement, and then soon after will have to start making his choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PRSOV Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 If he has to think about it after everything you been through then I'm sorry.... "He doesn't deserve you" I think you need to walk away from him now, he isn't respecting you enough to stand up to his family, under pressure or not. PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilac_indi Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 hmm..wot is there to think about??? if he loved you he will end this before the engagement happens. i think you should think about this...a guy thinking about if he wants to be with you? red flag! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Mister1 Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I'm with everyone else here but Id go as far as teling him never to contact you again & cut all contact if he choses her Just friends wont work & it'd be unfair onyou. He needs to either stand up for himself or apologise for hurting you & leave you alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverCloud Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Ok i will admit i didnt read all the posts in here but you need help enough for me to tell you my first hand experience in this matter from both sides. My first engagement was to a guy who was of the same culture as mine and he had a girlfriend who was Latin. He said to me after 5 months of engagement that he got engaged to me cause of his parents but in reality he wanted to marry his girlfriend. Now i was the one who was the third party i didnt deserve this treatment. Hey if you have balls to have a girlfriend that your parents know about then dont get engaged to me and settle this before you include me in the bandwagon. So from the point of view of the other girl... its not a good thing save her the pain and stand up before she also starts to develop feelings. Would you like the same treatment for yourself? Now from your boyfriends point of view. Everyone here already knows about my recent ex. He was American and my parents put up a good fight. And my boyfriend realized after i had fought and got my parents to accept him, that he really wasnt that into me... yeh i have had a lot of bad luck in the past... but other then learning from it i cant do much... Lesson learnt from this last relationship... only work for those relationships which are actually accepted by your heart, brain and guts. I wish you better luck then mine but i think now the longer your boyfriend takes to tell this other girl the worst it will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose2summer Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Give him time to think! What?! That is already a failed relationship. If someone needs time to think if they want to choose you, they have already chosen not to be with you. I don't want to see you get hurt here, so no contact. If he doesn't call you before the engagement party, then he is out of the picture. You are not a 24hr McDonald's waiting for his order, please do yourself a favor, and leave this loser. He is too much of a wimp to stand up to his parents. Why cause yourself and this other woman torture by waiting? You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beyondthesea Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 So how did it end up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 well, he is engaged now. He called me in the morning before the engagement. So whatever, he is engaged. I did all i could...so i guess it is his loss. It wasn't meant to be, i guess. I have no other choice than to just move on. It is what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nottoogreen Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I feel with you. It's accademic, but it's good to learn. You have not answered my previous post #10 The engagement will have been planned for months. When he advised you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egygirl Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 To answer your questions nottoogreen, well, the engagement, i am not sure it was planned that long ago...i just know his parents (specifically his mother) has had this girl planned out from a long time, years i guess (its his cousin...i know to westerners this is taboo, but in his culture, its normal) But i think he knew for sure what was going to happen 5 days ago. He heard them talking, but i guess, didn't know for sure, so he says. He told me a week ago. Is he financially stable, he is not rich...he's getting along i guess...we were going to move to dubai..since i wanted to live in the middle east. And yes, ,his parents are in egypt...i am living in egypt as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winter2005 Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 OMG- Same senario but early stage. My boyfriend just broke up with me because his parents dont approve of me. And he is planning on getting married in the next 2 years. Also he states the reason of the break up is that he does nto want to play around with me when he knows his family wont let him marry me..... Its so so devestating!! I live in Dubai actually... It so sad how some families are so closeminded I love the guy and he loves me but he says no girl is worth upsetting his family he has one family and there are many girls out there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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