my bf will be engaged to another woman, but he an I are still in love. (cultural)

[nottoogreen]

Thank you egygirl, and I have some news for you.

 

I am in Asia based out of Hong Kong for 23+ years and spent a bit of time in Middle east. My gf is Thai, I have experience around Far east.

 

Not 5 days, more like 5 months, at least 5 weeks, but I think 5 weeks is not enough. It's a big announcement. A first cousin will be taboo, 2nd and further possible. In ancient cultures marriages are between families, not between lovers.

 

I am afraid that he knew it and he did not tell you.

 

Please remember, men have two heads, an eratic small one down under and a big one under control of culture and faith.

 

While in middle east Egypt is most "progressive" next to Dubai and Israel, when you stay in Egypt, please stay away from local men as men cannot get women except import prostitutes and they will play you as the only alternative to rampant homosexuality which is widely tolerated. Their family play you too for "training". You are deemed "infidel". It's still shariah law after all. Would you be aware of a family sanctioning marriage?

 

I wish you that you recover from your pain and that you will find true love within western culture, at least outside middle-east except perhaps Israel.

[egygirl]

I agree with you to a certain point. While this is true of many families in egypt, there are a lot of people who do marry for love. And someone outside the family. There are some, those who are brave and open minded enough who dare to break the mold and do what they want. It also depends on the mindset of the family. This is on any social class level and it is the case with Christians as well as muslims. I have this example in my own family, and with some friends. But anyway, its over...i am not going to lose sleep over it anymore.

[Mr Mister1]

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before in another post or not but I was in a similar situation with a girl about 4 years ago where she would say it was a problem that she was Muslim but change her mind every few days. We ended up breaking up over it which followed with her then begging me to come back and calling me over and over.. even when I'd move on and found someone else she was pestering me.

 

The thing is, if these people really do care about you why do they put you through this. If they don't think their parents will approve of you and they're too cowardice to stand up to their parents why bother dating in the first place. In my case the girl actually went after me and didn't tell me she was Muslim until about 6 months into the relationship!

Frankly if my parents told me they didn't approve of a girl I loved I'd tell them that that was their tough luck!

But if people can't stand up for themselves then they should just not get involved with others whom their parents won't approve of, especially if they really care about them, because they'll just cause hurt and resentment not to mention the potential of hurting the third party.

 

I personally think the whole attitude of "you can't be with him/her because they're not like us" to be another form of racism. But if that's the way they want to live their life then fine just don't get other people hurt in the process.

 

So in conclusion egygirl, it's his loss, and while it might not feel like it right now, you'll be much better off without this guy!

[egygirl]

Well, I have some interesting developments...Well, I found out about my bf, and things were not as I thought they were. I guess, one thing I learned was that when you are in love, and you think with your heart and not your brain, you miss out on some important details that could have saved you from a lot of hurt in the end.

 

My ex-bf, turned out to be a huge liar. You want to know how I found out, I found out from one of his closest friends. I asked myself at first, why did he call me? But I feel it was a God send, cause it was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits.

 

His friend told me that my bf went around telling others that I was just his friend, and he had "a good feeling about me." He was never in love with me like I thought. All of the love talk and going out and everything was just for fun. Before he met me, he knew the girl who he is now engaged to. He knew her a loong time ago, and always wanted her, but i guess decided to take me for a ride while he could. I always thought he was open minded, a free thinker, and didn't worry about what others thought of him. Well, his friend told me, he came to work...(my bf used to wear lots of jewerly, rings, funky stylish clothes, etc.) he came to work today, completely changed--none of that stuff just plain like every other egyptian guy (who he told me he never wanted to be like.) And he did it cause the girl wanted it. And he used to tell me, he would never change his syle for a girl. He also will be largely supported by his family...unbeknownst to me, he was not as self sufficient as I thought he was. He doesn't have enough money to support his wife on his own. And she will not work. So what kind of life will that be...he doesn't have a rich family. And this girl, to him is beautiful, but not someone who will be worth a lot to him as anything other than a trophy wife for the next 15 or 20 years, tills she loses her looks and blows up like a whale after having a whole bunch of kids.

 

The moral of the story is: He was not honest with me up front, misled me, took me for a ride and I took the bait and ended up with a broken heart. But The good thing is that I learned from it, and I do see now that I am better off without him, i would have led a misrable life with someone who is still basically a child. Anyway, he called me funny enough after telling his friend that he wanted nothing else to do with me, and the he woudln't call me again. Low and behold he called me, and said, hi, do you remember me? How are you? Like why was he calling me when he said it was over? Anyway, i told him, I'm fine, how was your engagement? Well, I hope you and your wife have a wonderful life together, in a cheery voice. He asked me if that was it, I didn't answer, and he said, ok, byebye. I guess he was surprised he couldn't use me anymore. This time I GOT THE UPPER HAND!

[Mr Mister1]

Wow you go girl! Now you can see that really his parents did you a favour.. sort of.. still if that's the way he treated his gf I wonder how he'll end up treating his wife?

The comment about the whale with lots of kids had me in stiches too! He'll have plenty of time to think about what he threw away while you've moved on with someone better and taken on a prosperous career!

 

Low and behold he called me, and said, hi, do you remember me? How are you? Like why was he calling me when he said it was over?

 

Another funny response to this would be "nope who are you? Are you some crank caller?"

[lilac_indi]

wow...wot a *@#? !! well thats guys for ya. anyway the last poster is right...he will regret the day he lost a lovely person like you. you on the other hand will do a lot better...be loved by someone who will not take you for a ride and be true to you from day one.

 

my ex was the same but it was the role reversal..i went against my family to be with him and he ended up breaking my heart. he lied to me continuously during our relationship and i blindly believed him. he has a new girlfriend..he is her headache now. i do still miss him but i have realised that i would rather be alone than unhappy.

 

we are survivors. i am glad you put him in his place - he was asking for it

[Mr Mister1]

wow...wot a *@#? !! well thats guys for ya.

 

Don't forget girls can be like that to, remember I had a similar thing happen to me with a girl.

 

The rest of what you said is right!

[egygirl]

anyway, he keeps calling me....he won't leave me alone. I have tried to tell him to stop calling me, he keeps going...so i listened to what he had to say, and he said he wanted me back, and wanted to end the engagement, he isn't happy with the girl. And he doesn't want to lose me...i told him, if you want to be with her, that is your problem, if you want to break it off...that is on you...but i am finished..so let me go...let me live now....and i hung up

but it was funny to see him running after me once he realized he lost me for good!!! loooool, it kinda felt good, that i made him feel the pain i felt when he broke my heart...now he knows...

 

i know this thread goes on and on...but this is a whole bunch of drama....i hope it will end soon...its driving me crazy....

[Mr Mister1]

Ah yes, exactly the same thing happened to me, I swear EXACTLY the same! I think she finally got the message after several attempts to call me that resulted in me given her the silent treatment. Although she then went into a chat room that I went to and started typing out abuse, that didn't do her much good though because I just put her on ignore and everyone else was disgusted with her behaviour.

 

So I say just tell him to go away whenever he calls. Do you have caller ID? If so you can just not accept any calls from him, maybe even tell your mutual friends to let him know that you don't want to talk to him anymore. He'll get the message soon enough!

[lilac_indi]

just ignore his calls..he sounds like a loser who doesnt know what he really wants. dont let him bring ya down!

[annie24]

Wow - what a jerk! I think you did the right thing, and I am very sorry that you are seeing he is not the man you thought he was. I feel bad for his future wife. Be thankful you are not her.

 

Don't answer his calls. Eventually, he'll get bored and find someone new to harass.

 

good luck

[Viper62382]

I'm in the same boat. cultural divided relationship between ignorant parents. Feel free to contact me.

[mholloway]

i am very sad when i read your blog i am in the same situation mine is just terrible, i meet a very sweet american palestinan man back in 06/2007 we became lovers i loved him very much and he does too, in the first year of our relationship i took him to my home i let him know i build this home with my best and only friend, he did not like that because my friend is a mail, so we some time fuss about but loving each other was still vital, he comes to the home and visit then one day he said he will not come there anymore i cry because i dont know what to do he explain to me that in there culture the man do not allow he woman in the house with a strange man, and i understand, ask my friend to buy me out of my share in the home he did not have the money and not much equeity in the house, so i move out of the home in late 2009 because i want to be with the man i love and he would not accept the fact of my life style with another man name on a house with me i did not want to go through any legal help ,

during all of this my boyfriend tell he loves me very much he wants to marry me and have children i was very happy because been a doctor it is very hard for me to date and this guy i thought he understand the life of me been a emergency room doctor i am always on the run.

so i move to an apartment in the same building he lived i remember when he move to the appartment he said he would live there first and see how it was safty wise then we can live togeather there that did not happen we live in separate complex we still live our lives like girlfriend and boyfriend, i confronted him about the way we live but his response to me is that my name is still on the house and i am not doing any thing to get me name off it, i ask him what can i do i spk too a lawyer and this is messy and the best thing to do i put the house up for sale, it is a half-milion dollar home so it is going to take a long time to sell, so the house i gues cause us to live separate form each other ,

in 2009 i ask him to interduce me to his parents it took a long time for him to interduce me to his family when he interduce me to them he told them this is he wife, secretly his mother ask me where did we get married i ask him what to say because i cant lie to them he said tell them at the court and u did not want a wedding, ok so i told his mother what he said to tell, i fuss with him that night if it is because i am black he had to lie for them to accept me , he said no he wants them to know he loves me and they will treat me as apart of the family ok i dont know what to think. but again my love for him cause me to be blind so i dont think of things much,

i bought a town home in 2010 i ask him to move in with me again he said no because of the house thing with me and my friend, so he comes and visit sleep make do things out side the home every thing, i some times get made with him when he ask to sleep with me some time i said to him i feel this is the only thing he needs of me why he never ask to marry me and my life would be complete, so in april of 2011 he said his mother his going to jordan for vacation to visit there family his mom is 64 he said he wants to company her and he has not been back home for 0ver 10 years i thought ok its good to visit your country and family they will be happy to see you he slept at my home that week he was leaving he cry alot i told him stop i will befine and your family will love to see you when he was in the shower i was standing in the bathroom and he said he hates the culture and the family becaus he been in his 30's and not been marry is not acceptable and they are going to push him to get marry, i did not know what to say i told him he is a grown up i was thinking who would force a person to get marry, and he said to me it is possible he may get marry i did not thing it was excluded from my head i was only telling him he is making a deal out of nothing,,,,,,,, i did not know that the reason why he was telling me this is because when they lived in jordan there was a cousen of theres has two daughter one of the daughter is married and my boyfriend it intrested in the other sister he had ask his mother about her because his mother had went to jodan in 2010 to visit, she told my boyfriend she it still there, i also got to found out that the girl mother did ask my boyfriend mother that she wants her son to marry her daughter, so the girl mother call the US to plea to my boyfriend mother to have her son marry her daughter. my boyfriend knew all of this and he never told me, so in my heart i feel he know what he was doing all this time, when he went to jordan he call me one time i was at work and the ER was buzy so i could not talk to him i ask him to call me the weekend because i want to talk to him i miss him very much; i did not hear from him at all for the month he was there, he came back the end of may and he came to pick me up he wants to take me to work while drive he ask me if i spk to his brother wife i told him yes we said hi on the phone he ask what else did we talk about i told him nothing really she said she is going to miss her buddy he got really mad and said she is noisy she is calling me to tell me he is engage i turn to him i said you are engage he said yes i ask how could he said he did not expect or plan and it was not his intention when he went over sees.. i call his sister and cry to her she said when she heard she was crying to her husband because he did not tell me his intention that he was intested in this girl his sister said they ask him did he told me before he left that he was going to engage he told his family yes and i was very understanding, he never tell me the was she said i do remember he said it is a possiblity he get engage he make it sounds like it will be by forse, she said she could not tell me because he ask her not to he wants to tell me himself when he gets back from jordan, his sister said she loves me two mush she did not want to hurt me by telling me so she cry to he husband because she knows that i dont know whats going on because of my behavor towards her brother when he was gone i told her i love him very much and i want to turn a new page so when he comes back our life can be better, so i call my friend and let him know i am going to quick claim deed the house to him, and move on so i did the process end in end of May, so in reality now i am out a home and a boyfriend . i am left with only my job

now the next thing is my ex he tx me every morning WAKE WAKEY WAKEY

he call me while driving to work he will tx me through out the day at work some times he said i hope your day be as lovely as you are, he still call me mama in the tx which i hate because we had such caring feelings to each other i call him babah in arabic and he calls me mama.

i when i tx back i express what he did to me is not right he would tx me and say he is very very sorry and he did not mean to hurt no one but deep in his heart he loves me and my son and my cat, then he would call me when he is going home , oh he moves back to his family home , when he gets to the drive way he would say he is home i gues he can't speak to me when the family his home because this in islam is a sin, he talks to he fiance in the evenings and weekends so i can only ask my self and people out there what to do , i have lost so much wait over this situation i always keep my weight 140 to 140 because i need that weight and body strainght to lift patients, now i sudden drop to 130, i dont eat as i use to i cry alot when i am alone even typing this blog i am crying, because i love him still and i am hurt and every time i visit him parent i hear bits and pices i come home and try to put them to gether. i dont know what to think when i express to him what i hear and that he knew why he wanted to go to jordan he said i dont want to hear this * * * * today it is in the pass what do u want me to know shot myself so i cant talk him some time she said there was signs in the relationship at the end i dont tell him anymore that i love him, i told him because he is with me for atlease 4years and he knows i want to get marry and have children i only have one boy and soon he will be off to college, he some time said he had to think logic and not love he wants to get marry to a person of the same culture and langue so his kids can grow up right.. so i dont know why he still cares and inside do love and we tx every day i worry now about myself because in 11/2011 his fiance will get the visa to come to the US but he is going back up there to get marry before that thats what is heard. advise please what to do and your honest opion