shes2smart Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 Sharing The Love Had a project that was going to work better with a few sound bites from different voices. So I rounded up 3 people I used to work with, offered them a quick freelance gig, and wrote out checks for all 3. That felt kinda awesome...and I couldn't really say why. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 Heard On The Way Home One of the many soul/R&B songs I listened to on the radio as a child. While I might not have been able to really say what they were about when I was, say, 8 or 9...I listen to them now as an adult and I am blown away by the oh-so-concise and to-the-point lyric writing....and how they describe feelings and situations in such a way that (if you're going through something similar) it just smacks you right upside the head....and maybe gives you some insight into your own situation. That's the part that's amazing to me - this combination of songwriter, music writer, and singer who don't know me from Adam nailed it...and sent me a message from about 40 years ago. I have met people my age who lived in places where they were not exposed to a lot of these great soul songs. I'm glad I lived within (radio) earshot of Detroit growing up. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Message For You From The Past Strange Days - The Doors Strange days have found us Strange days have tracked us down They're going to destroy Our casual joys We shall go on playing Or find a new town Yeah! Strange eyes fill strange rooms Voices will signal their tired end The hostess is grinning Her guests sleep from sinning Hear me talk of sin And you know this is it Yeah! Strange days have found us And through their strange hours We linger alone Bodies confused Memories misused As we run from the day To a strange night of stone Had lunch a couple weeks back with the engineer who set up my studio. An interesting and thought-churning conversation. The main thing I took away from it was that there is no deadline or time limit...other than those I impose on myself. So, any pressure to make a decision or "do something" immediately (...or sooner...) is coming from within. Which means its under my power to remove it, too. So, I set about doing that. Strange Days, indeed. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 Happy New Year A couple days late. As I believe I've mentioned before, September feels like new year to me and August, particularly the last couple weeks of August, always feels like things ending. At this very early stage, my psycho-psychic prediction is this September will start a new chapter in my life...some things end, some things begin. And there will be more transition. My last therapy session wasn't as difficult as the one I had in the first part of August. I processed the things that came up in that seesion in the last 3 weeks of August, with the feeling of endings in the air, and while I have made no decisions as yet, I did have that conversation with God/Spirit/Universe. The one where I screamed and cried about things not being fair and things not being what I wanted and "haven't I gone through enough upheaval already." And after all that ego, I-Must-Be-In-Control BS was expressed and out of the way, I was able to get to that place of (relative) peace where I could say the line from the Lord's Prayer and mean it -- "Thy will be done." Thy will...not my will. If upheaval and transformation is what is required of me, bring it on. I walk forward in the faith that there are no coincidences, every experience I am presented is for my learning, and I will not be given anything I cannot handle. Bring it. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 Damn You, Journal! Damn you, Journal, for putting a timeline to everything...for keeping a record of what happened when...written (or typed) by my own hand, so I can't question someone else's faulty memory or accept, "Oh, no, it hasn't been THAT long" excuses. Damn you, Journal, for presenting things as I felt them at the time they were happening, so I can't tell myself (or allow someone else to tell me) "it wasn't THAT bad" or "it didn't happen THAT way." Damn you, Journal, for not letting me get away with lying to myself. Damn you, Journal, for showing an unedited and sometimes unflattering picture of situations, of my own thoughts, and my impressions of the cast of characters in the movie of my life. Today, I damn you for these things. Ultimately, I will thank you. I know that from past experiences. But today...I damn you. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 I'm NOT Broken Turns out, I'm not broken. Hell of a way to find out, girlfriend. But the fact of the matter is I wasn't broken at all. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Well, It's A Cliche Because It Happens A Lot, I Guess.... Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Phrases I'd Like To Have Banned From The English Language It wasn't intentional. I hadn't thought about it. I'm about to. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 What Was I Waiting For, Anyway? I don't know, really. Perceptions shift, things change. I said "Bring it on." It done been brought. In abundance. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Never Say Never Posted by me on another thread, 2-19-11 While I've never been in that exact situation, I have managed to live long enough to watch my outside observer pronouncement of "If it was me, I would want to know/I would do this/I would say that" morph into something other than what I expected when I found myself knee-deep in what was once only a hypothetical. Yup. So easy to say what you'd do when you're on the outside looking in, isn't it? The date I wrote that amuses me, too...for reasons that I really can't get into. The actions and the results have come about in the last few weeks...but apparently the seeds were planted a long, long time ago. I don't have another therapy appointment until next week. I could've maybe used one this week or last. Just to have a professional listener to bounce things off of, if nothing else. I've chosen what I've chosen, fallout be damned. In yesterday's mail: 4-figure check for VO work. It's the first payment on a larger project. There's still another $2k coming. That's what overhauling my views of work and career and employment and money got me. So why be afraid to overhaul your views on other areas of life? Remembering a snippet of the book I read during the 6 day power outage (3 years ago nowish) "If you understood the power that walked beside you, you would never be afraid." Something to ponder...while I remember to enjoy what now has presented me. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 Please Stop Yelling At My Cat That is all. Thank you. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Is That Your Final Answer? Because if it is, the options just got very limited. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 22 Years Later, More Relevant Than Ever Was listening to "The Sensual World" album by Kate Bush at the gym this morning. A couple songs really hit me hard. This song was out in 1989. Wrap your mind around that. And then, this song a couple tracks later. Between the two, they feel like they paint a pretty good picture of my now. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 I Know It's There Yeah, you can ignore the spotted elephant in the living room all you want, but I know it's there. I can't make you see it if you don't want to. In addition to that elephant, I'm starting to see a lot of other things (or maybe just see the same things differently). Clarity? I don't know. It might be. I guess I should feel worse than I do, given all the facets of the situation....but I don't. Maybe that happens later. Maybe not seeing the elephant takes more effort than seeing it. I don't know what happens next, but trust Universal Wisdom and my own ability to handle things to meet it head-on. Again, I say, "Bring it." Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 At The Bottom Of It Some 10 months ago, I went to the gynecologist for my annual check-up. I brought up my complete lack of sex drive, and they discovered a really high blood pressure reading. That's how it started, 10 months ago. Today, I walked into my therapy session and said, "We have a lot of ground to cover today." And proceeded to cover it. To cover what's happened, to cover what's going on, to cover what to do next. And it's stuff I couldn't even look sideways at 10 months ago. Today, I went charging at it full bore and head-on. Because the only way out is through. Because I don't want to have panic attacks and high blood pressure because I'm trying so hard to not see things that are plain as day to many observers. This time next week, I will be in phase one of Information Gathering mode. Which is frightening, yes, but treading water here and making myself physically ill is more frightening. So, where am I 10 months or a year from now? I don't know. I can't even begin to guess. Maybe it's someplace very different and unrecognizable as my life now. Maybe it's something familiar that doesn't look much different, but feels different. Maybe it isn't anything at all. No way to really know until it's been lived. 10 months from now is July 2012. Heh. July. How very ironic. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 My 2 Cents If you want to be a jerk, commit to it. Act like an ass, but do it with conviction. Have enough of a spine to do it consistently. Backing off and being a Merry Little Sunshine when you all of a sudden realize being a jerk might result in some negative consequences for you does nothing to help improve things....then go back to being a jerk when you think the crisis has passed and it's safe. Really? I'd have more respect if you didn't cave. I wouldn't like it, but I'd at least have some respect for your tenacity, and wouldn't doubt your sincerity. Right now the Merry Little Sunshine act is coming off as insincere, totally phony, and, well, irritating. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 It's Not You, It's Me "...'cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel..." - The Eagles. Well, "he" is only the catalyst...the reminder...for what was already (and always will be) inside of "her." It's not him, it's her. And by "her," I mean me, of course. She (and by "she" I mean me) needs to remember that. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 .....Just So You Know Yeah, I know. I chose it. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 ....Just So You Know, Round 2 Why, yes, I'm aware I'm the one who said, "Bring it." The responsiveness of the Universe to my request is nothing short of awe-inspiring. But my belief system tells me if I wasn't ready, it wouldn't have been brought. So, even though I may feel shaky, I am right where I'm supposed to be. Beneath the intermittent shakiness, is a calm, steady core of strength. A knowingness that I will be ok. Almost...almost...peace (?). Maybe the hard part (for me) has been done...heh...maybe I've lived it for the last few years. The future is a blank page, wide open. And I'm the only one with a writing utensil. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 The Truth The truth is this: whatever control you thought you had over me was only what I chose to give you. If I choose differently, you don't have control. But you never really had it anyway. Apparently, you thought you did. Another illusion shattered...along with all the sharp & pointy edges that go along with it when something shatters. All the King's horses....... Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 30, 2011 Author Share Posted September 30, 2011 When In Doubt, Consult A Professional Who will let you know, in very excruciating detail, just how messy things could get. I am now beginning to understand a whole slew of things I never thought I would. Things that I have been guilty of being very judgemental about when I've witnessed things from the outside. But that seems to be a somewhat frequent occurrence in my life -- and still, the notion of "never say never" gets away from me sometimes. I have another consultation appointment tomorrow. Let's see what another professional thinks of this mess I'm in. I'm not holding my breath expecting any better news than I got today. You tell me not to panic...and "we" will get me through it. I want to believe you, I really do. But I don't know if I can...ha...I don't know if I should. Thank God I still have my sense of humor. Parts of this situation are just laughable (in a darkly morbid kind of way). That's not the light at the end of the tunnel. It's the headlamp of an oncoming train. Where the hell is the fast-forward button for my life? Link to comment
shes2smart Posted September 30, 2011 Author Share Posted September 30, 2011 What Popped Up On The Jukebox In My Brain This Morning Link to comment
shes2smart Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 Well, There Is That.... I'll always have me. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 2011 The year I walked out of my normal life and into a damn soap opera. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Options 1. Always here physically, but only rarely here emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. 2. Usually here emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, but not here physically. Heh. In my fairy tale, the princess ends up saving herself. Link to comment
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