Wonderland

[shes2smart]

Breakthru...

[shes2smart]

Was I That Pissed In My 20s?

 

So, in the last little chunk of time, I've encountered a handful of 20-something young women. And they're all angry. Doesn't matter what the context of the interaction is, there is this underlying anger and hostility that I'm not understanding. I'm not sure where it's coming from or why or who it's directed towards. They're just.....angry.

 

Was I that angry in my 20s? I don't think so. I guess I'd really have to go back and look in my journal for some sort of answer, though. A lot has happened in the last 20 years and my recollections of my 20s might be a little hazy at this point....without the written-in-my-own-hand evidence my journal could provide. Maybe I will find out that I was just as angry, I dunno.

 

When I encounter one of them now, I'm tempted to ask, "Why are you so angry?" Problem is, I don't think I'll get an answer. Heck, I may not even get an acknowledgement that they ARE angry at all. Maybe they have plenty in their lives to be pissed about. I don't really know. All I know is I keep seeing a ginormous chip on the shoulders of these 20-something gals and I wonder why.

[shes2smart]

Wish You Were Here

 

Whenever I hear this, I think it's being used in some significant scene in the Movie of My Life. Today was no exception.

 

Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

 

 

So, so you think you can tell

Heaven from Hell,

Blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field

From a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

 

And did they get you to trade

Your heros for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

 

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl,

Year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have we found?

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

[shes2smart]

This Is OK

 

I'm glad I'm not in my 20s....or even early-to-mid-30s anymore.

 

Too much drama and BS and cluelessness.

 

Not that I have things figured out now, but I think I at least have a better handle on the non-importance and absurdity of most of it.

 

I still don't know what the hell I am doing most days, but at this point, I've experienced enough to make some pretty good guesses most of the time. And that's enough.

[shes2smart]

A Spike

 

Had been hovering around 89% lately, but have gotten some good feedback from auditions recently...(that usually signals that I'm about to get hired for one or more projects) and I spiked up to

Your audition/proposal ranking score is greater than the ranking score of 92% of all Premium Subscribers (92 link removed).

 

Woot.

[shes2smart]

I Can See The Future

 

...(that usually signals that I'm about to get hired for one or more projects)

 

Sure enough, I got a phone call about 24 hours ago. New client, $300 gig with a very short turnaround time. Was up late last night and up early this morning cranking it out. Still have a few more pages to record & edit, but should be able to finish late tonight.

 

And, almost predictably, a couple of established clients popped up yesterday needing stuff, too.

 

So, where am I right now? Sitting at the office gig doing next to nothing because there's not much to do.......

 

Harumph.

[shes2smart]

Oh, No You Di'nt!

 

Really? Really? You really had the nerve or stupidity to send me a friend request? Wow, seriously. I had to look at the notification email twice because my brain was refusing to process it.

 

Here's a special long distance dedication:

 

 

 

Ignore. Block. Adios.

[shes2smart]

Recreating The Last 2 Months

 

Aaaaccckkk!

 

I went to put some info in the spreadsheets I use for bookkeeping for my VO business and my computer froze. Had to reboot. When I tried to go back to the spreadsheet the program attempted to recover the document......and couldn't.

 

Aaaaaaccckkkkk!!!!

 

I mean, between PayPal statements, bank statements, my checkbook register, my email, invoices and receipts, I can pretty accurately reconstruct it....but the amount of time that'll take.

 

Well, better now than the 2nd week in December, I guess. I only have to reconstruct a couple months (and a couple slowish months at that...).

[shes2smart]

Because Everything Always Works Out For Me

 

Well...a quick tally of the VO work I have booked this week comes up to about $1300. Most of it has cropped up in the last 36 hours and needs to be delivered in a ridiculously short time. It will be a crazy 48 hours for me (again....), but I really don't have any choice but to get it done.

 

Sorry, the $15 an hour office job is not going to stand in the way of making $1300 doing what I really want to be doing in less time.

 

This is where all the time I logged at various radio stations over the years saves my rear....and that experience will come to my rescue yet again.

 

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

 

At the rate I'm going, that may be mere years away.

[shes2smart]

Woot.

 

Woot-woot-wooty-woot, even.

 

Your audition/proposal ranking score is greater than the ranking score of 93% of all Premium Subscribers (93 link removed).

[shes2smart]

Wasted Weekend

 

Well, wasted half weekend. One day. But it was annoying enough for several days.

 

Yet again, my husband pulled that get-up-don't-eat-breakfast-and-get-hungry-b****y-and-behave-like-a-2-year-old-throwing-a-tantrum thing.

 

GAWD. I am so sick of this. There is no way to win in that situation: If I suggest he eat something, I get my head bit off. If I don't guess that he's hungry, I get my head bit off. If I suggest any food items to see what he wants to eat, nothing is right. If I just pick something I want, that's not right either. He gets pissed if I pick a food or restaurant....and he gets pissed if I don't pick anything, too.

 

Yeah, thanks so much for WASTING my day off with your unnecessary drama. Thanks. So. Much.

 

When he finally does decide to eat, he's fine. Says, "Wow, yeah, I was being a jerk....sorry." But this has been going on with some regularity for at least a year now (I saw where I wrote about it about a year ago) and it's getting old. It was getting old the second time it happened.

 

It's stuff like this that makes me think it makes one a better partner if one has a period of time where one lives on one's own for a good while. To be in a situation where you are your sole support and solely in charge of taking care of yourself, your money, your life...becuase there isn't someone there to do it for you. You learn that you're the best person for that job, and that, yes, it ultimately is YOUR job and not anyone else's.

 

Because I learned that. And I have enough to do with the part that IS my job. I don't need to be doing yours, too...and I certainly can't make the determination about something so fundamental as your level of physical hunger and what you want to eat. Stop trying to make me responsible for it. I can't be bullied into taking that on for you. I won't be embarrased into taking it on for you. You announced you weren't going to eat at that particular restaurant, so I told the waitress we'd pay for the drink, but that we had to leave now.

 

I just shut up, keep to myself, and think about things I have talked about in therapy. Try to figure out if I want that level of responsibility. Some days, I think I don't.

[shes2smart]

The Curse of Competence

 

That was the topic of discussion at my most recent counseling session. This ridiculous level of competence I attain (with some degree of speed) even when thrown into something I've never done before. It is the reason I am in the situation I am in with the office gig. There were a series of events a couple weeks back that demonstrated something truly frightening to me. I have managed to get into the position where there's a certain level of dependence on me/what I do/what I know.

 

I do not like this. It's too much responsibility. On the other hand, it is job security.....for a job that I would like to not need sooner rather than later.....hmmmm....

 

New Agey counselor lady says, "Maybe you still have something to learn there....or something to teach."

 

I understand on some gut level that she is right. If I was done with the job, I wouldn't be there any more. Either by my own hand or theirs, I'd be moved on one way or another. But I am still there. The person who was the largest pain in my rear moved on of their own volition several weeks ago....and my stress level went down some when they did. (And, oddly enough, their former department's performance improved in the wake of their departure......)

 

I have moments where I'm really into the office gig and catch myself crafting some longer-term plans for the department that I am very reluctantly in charge of. Then I catch myself and wonder what the hell I am doing. I don't know that I planned on being here this long, let alone long enough to be making larger-scale, long term plans for an entire department. If nothing else, I figure I want to leave it in decent shape when I leave. So the next person won't be walking into a freakin' mess. Maybe that's the way to look at it. Making long term plans for the hand-off....not for my stay there. One of the things I have been thinking about is "How do I get these people to be less dependent on me/what I do/what I know?" Not really a goal for someone who's picturing themselves there in the long run, is it?

[shes2smart]

So, How's Therapy Going?

 

 

 

 

The last appointment was brutal. I am still recovering from it days later. It is stuff like this that makes people not want to go to therapy. It's difficult and painful and challenging and messy and exhausting.

 

What would it have been like if I had filed complaints against Dysfunction Junction instead of focusing on just getting the hell out of there? Would I have even had a case? Would it have just been an exercise in futility & pointlessness? Would they have offered me hush money to go with the blood money they already paid me? Could I have lived comfortably with that if they had? Or would the restrictions on what I was permitted to say be too off-putting?

 

In the "It's All Interconnected" department....I went to this appointment not expecting anything much to go on. Things have been going along pretty well lately, I haven't been in any immediate/unusual distress. Started off talking about where my, "Oh, crap, I can't get what I want, I'll just do it myself" attitude might've come from. Ended up talking about a few incidents from my teen years when it was made very clear to me that anything someone (and by "someone" I mean my parents) did for/provided for me came with all sorts of strings attached. And how, when a particularly desirable carrot was dangled in front of me when I was 15, I chose not to take it because of the strings attached. I said, "no, thanks," and went about figuring out a way to get the carrot myself.

 

That all came up at the beginning of the session and didn't seem related to anything. As I sit here this morning and mull over where the session ended up going and how intense it got, I can see where that little snippet is related. I would've turned it down. My behavior was not for sale when I was 15, and my silence was not for sale 20-some years later.

 

Why does it all come up again now? I had a thought about that bubble up as I tried to run a few errands after my appointment BTW, I failed miserably. One simply cannot focus on mundane things like "what do I need at the grocery store" and "I need to go to the post office and buy stamps" right after ripping open old wounds that bleed like they're fresh. Anyway, the thought I had was, "this is what's standing in your way now."

 

"This" = the stuff that happened the last time I was in a position of control/power ("in charge") in a work/career related sense. The horrible experience and outcome of that. The stuff that made me tell my current employer I don't want to be in charge, I don't want that level of responsibility, I don't manage people well. Well, all that stuff is true in the context of the office gig. But in terms of running my own business...it's holding me back. There's some part that is wondering what the hell I think I am doing running my own business...that it's too much...that I can't handle it...based on what happened when I was put in charge of things at Dysfunction Junction. And this is what's standing in the way of the freelance getting to the level where it can be the sole source of income. This is the roadblock.

 

At least that's what bubbled up when I was trying to act normal after dredging this stuff up. Even now, a few days later, it feels as if there's some truth there. Something that needs to be dealt with if I want to get to where I say I want to be. There is no other option, really. Even though where I am now is better than where I was a year or two or even 3 years ago, this is not where I want to be. The income level is decent, but the amount of work I am having to do to earn it is not. I am stretched too far, too thin and I cannot be in this state indefinitely. The freelance needs to move forward. And if that means I have to go crashing headlong into this roadblock, that's what it means. If it means I have to spend more time in therapy mucking through the wreckage of my last 12-18 months at Dysfunction Junction, that's what it means.

 

It all comes back to the same question.....How much do you want it?

[shes2smart]

...And Then...Boom!

 

Today, I realized I surpassed what I made (VO money) in all of the first quarter of this year.

 

It is only the first month of the second quarter. Seriously. In this month, my VO stuff made more money than it did in the first 3 months of this year combined. If I could make this much doing VO stuff every month, I could ditch the job.

 

No wonder I'm so flippin' tired.

 

I also managed to get another decent-paying gig for Mr. Good Hair with one of my clients.

[shes2smart]

Better Living Through Chemistry (?)

 

This week, I started developing some rather distressing symptoms at random times. Chest-squeezy-can't-breathe-head-feels-like-its-stuffed-with-cotton-heart-pounding kinds of symptoms. Being the merry little sunshine that I am, I figure every poor choice I've made health wise over the course of my entire life is now coming back to bite me in the ass and I'm going to keel over dead with a heart attack or stroke any minute.

 

Of course, I have been thinking this since I had the spiked blood pressure readings last November. It's been a source of on-going low-level panic on top of the constant usual mind chatter about finances and work and all the other stuff of life.

 

So, after a few days of that stuff coming and going, I get over my med-phobia and my "maybe if I ignore it, it will go away"-ness and call hunky soap opera primary care doc's office. Once again, he has an available appointment at a good time for me the very next day. They take my blood pressure. As luck(?) would have it, I'm having one of my episodes at the time - chest-squeezy-can't-breathe-etc. And my blood pressure is ok. 142/78. Not the 200-over-100-something that it was last time when I was there and thought I was feeling pretty relaxed. Hunky soap opera primary care doc looks at my stats, looks at my blood work from last time, does an exam and says he's 95% sure there's nothing serious wrong with my cardiovascular system. He'd like me to get a stress test to be 100% sure, but given what he's seeing and the conversation we had in November and the one at this visit, he's gonna go with I'm having panic attacks.

 

So, once again, after a long period of near-constant stress, my brain chemistry is out of whack. Maybe this is the real reason the episode at Dysfunction Junction came up. Somewhere in my brain or my body something was going, "Hey...if you keep doing what you're doing, this (or something similar) is going to happen again....we're struggling here and need a little help getting back on track."

 

Ok, so now I'm gonna have anxiety and panic attacks instead of lethargy, depression and suicidal thoughts. Is this improvement? Not sure. I've been put on Cymbalta to see how it works. Took the first dose yesterday. Like most psychotropic meds, it certainly let me know it had been ingested a short while after I took it. It was a weird drowsy-but-wired kind of feeling with just a touch of sea-sicky nausea on top. I dozed off for a few hours then -boom- wide awake around 3am. Which wouldn't be a huge deal if I had today off from the office gig, but I don't. Have to be there at 9.

 

And what do we do when things are a mess and we can't sleep? What I've always done since I learned how to use a pen to string words together. I write. I pick up all the stuff that's collected in my head and watch it roll down my arms, into my hands and out my fingers. The gray and white boy cat sits next to me, just hanging out and being there. Because that's what he does.

 

Good kitty.

[shes2smart]

My Brain Hurts!

 

 

 

In the midst of the weird, drowsy, dizzy, stoned feeling from starting the Cymbalta the other day, I remembered this little bit of amusement. Michael Palin yelling, "My brain hurts!" Too funny.

 

I've slept a lot (well, for me "a lot") the last day and a half. More than in recent memory. I think there's been some benefit from that already.

 

Got a few small projects to work on today, but that's about it.

[shes2smart]

My Brain On Drugs, Dose 3

 

Took the 3rd dose of Cymbalta last night. It didn't make me as drowsy/loopy/dizzy/nauseous as the previous nights. This is good. Reading a lot of different things on various health/drug message boards....much of which I have to take with a grain of salt.

 

I don't doubt people have had problems with this (or any other) medication, but I always have questions when I see complaints. Things like: Did you take the meds the way you were supposed to? Did you have realistic expectations about how much a medication can do? Sometimes it seems like people expect the medicine to change their lives without them having to do anything but swallow the pills. That is not realistic. You still have to do the work yourself. The meds just make it easier for you to do what needs to be done...but you still have to actually do it.

 

Am I thrilled to be on it? Not really. But, knowing my health and mental health history, I know that sometimes my brain gets out of whack. Prolonged periods of stress will do it, and if the last year or two hasn't been a prolonged period of stress, I don't know what is. So, I'll be on it for a while, and when I don't need to be on it anymore, I'll taper off it and be fine. Just like therapy...I'll go for a while, then there will come a time when I won't need to go anymore. This time, I brought in the chemical assistance *before* I had a complete mental meltdown. Good for me for dealing with it earlier rather than later.

 

Everything is cyclic...and we are fast approaching the 1 year anniversary of my getting hired full time at the office gig. That means another shift in 6-to-12 months is likely...since it seems like work stuff takes 18-to-24 months to transition from one phase to the next. Here's to that next shift being leaving the world of traditional "work for someone else" employment.

[shes2smart]

"....But Until Things Blow, I'm Gonna Have Some Fun..."

[shes2smart]

I Know Too Many Songs

 

So, I'm in the car yesterday, and stumble accross this one. Haven't heard it in forever, but it felt like it fit.

[shes2smart]

Better Living Through Chemistry? YES!

 

5 weeks on Cymbalta.

 

Where has this drug been before now? Seriously. All the weird things my brain/thoughts do that I have spent so much time working around/working through/dealing with have pretty much evaporated.

 

Food is not a struggle. I get hungry, I know I'm hungry, I know what I want to eat, I eat a reasonable amount, feel satisfied and stop. I do not over-stuff, I do not obsess, I do not do any of the other mental gymnastics I have gotten used to fighting against over the last 3 decades. I have lost weight without trying and without any of the old ED/compulsive thought patterns or behaviors. The overage (or lack) of VO work at any given moment is not occasion to flip out and hyperventilate. If there's a lot of work, I do what I can reasonably do...if there's nothing, I know that something will come up. I don't freak out about financial stuff. I know we're fine and we will be fine. I go to the gym and work out. I don't want to put it off or talk myself out of it or have any struggle with that, either.

 

I feel (dare I say it) normal.

 

I don't feel zombie-like or out of it or somehow "watered down" like I did on the other psychotropic meds I've taken. I feel like "me"....only without the stuff that made for a lot of unnecessary struggle and difficulty.

 

And if I'm not struggling and having difficulty and some degree of miserable, I don't feel particularly compelled to write....hence my several week disappearance.

 

Even if the meds don't keep working like this over the long term, or there's some other reason I can't stay on them long term, I am enjoying this break from all the stuggle that was going on in my head on an ongoing daily basis for so long that I didn't even realize how much effort it was taking to manage it until it was gone. Dunno where it went. Don't care. Will it come back at some point? Maybe. Probably. But for now, my brain's on vacation and life is fine.

[shes2smart]

R.I.P Big Man

 

link removed

[shes2smart]

Random Observations

 

My therapist says I should write some of these down so I can keep them with me later. ("Later" meaning at some point in the future when I am no longer taking the Cymbalta)

 

-Why is it I tend to walk around assuming I'm the only one screwed up and everyone is is functioning better than me?

 

Since being on the Cymbalta, I have been able to "get out of my head" more -- I'm not consumed/distracted by constantly having to manage/monitor my own thought to keep them on the track I want. They just stay there on their own now. So, I'm starting to look around and see other people's issues.

 

Like how much of a picky eater my husband really is. Like the overall piss-poor attitude of one of my co-workers and how it makes for a constant struggle in that person's life. Seriously, this is someone who would win the lottery then complain about paying taxes. Like the....strange....relationships other people are in. Like the weird habits other people I encounter on a daily basis have.

 

I started to feel like an island of sanity in a sea of insanity after a few weeks of noticing these things. Yet I am the one in therapy and on meds. Go figure.

 

My husband yells at the cats for stupid stuff. The older cat sometimes throws up. If my husband is the one who finds the pile of kitty puke, he yells at the cat for puking....like the cat purposely did it piss off the human. The cat is going on 11 years old. He has bad teeth (had his upper fangs surgically removed last winter), and his bloodwork would indicate he's likely to develop some liver issues as he ages. This is the cat who didn't leave my side after I had my work-related crash in 2003. I don't know how long I get with this animal, but I know he doesn't deserve to be yelled at for throwing up.

 

Yeah, I have observed a lot of things in the past several weeks. But they don't bother me. My reaction is along the lines of, "Oh. I never noticed that before. Wonder if it's always been like that. How interesting." My therapist says this is acceptance. She thinks it is a step forward...some sort of advanced way of being. Not letting these things bother me, but just acknowledging that they are.

 

I have been on the Cymbalta a little over 2 months now. At this point, I want to stay on this drug indefinitely. If it keeps working like this, maybe I just will.

 

The last week has been ridiculous work-wise. Both the job and the freelance work have been very demanding. But I got everything I needed to get done, done. Without stressing, without freaking out, without completely sacrificing sleep, civility or sanity. I still made time to go to the gym and get a decent (although not ideal) amount of sleep. BC (Before Cymbalta), that would not have happened....I would've blown off the gym, ate a bunch of crappy food, been snippy and pissy, and completely stressed out. AC (After Cymbalta), it was, "Oh. I have a lot to do. But I still need to take good care of myself, so I will go to the gym, and eat well, and get a good amount of rest...and I'm confident in my ability to get what needs to be done, done when it needs to be done." And I did. And it's been fine.

 

I know it is likely due to the time of year, but I find myself reminiscing about The Alcoholic a bit lately. Wondering what he's doing now, remembering some of the ok things about him. Wondering what might be different in my life now if he hadn't been a more functional person..... In some alternate time line, am I celebrating an almost-20 year relationship with him?

 

Questions with no answers. Well, no answers in this life and this time line, anyway.

 

Laundry calls and I must answer.......

[shes2smart]

Awesome Sauce!

 

Recently got the opportunity to attend a Francis Dunnery House Concert.

 

 

Didn't know the homeowners/hosts and drove a couple hours to get to it, but it was soooooo worth it. Francis Dunnery has been influencing my life philosophy for the last 15 or so years, so to get the chance to see him do a show in such a small venue AND be able to interact with him afterward was nothing short of amazing. There were maybe 2 dozen people there. That was all. Definitely a unique experience....and one I got to have. I kinda feel like it was a reward for navigating the rather challenging passage of the last couple years.

 

Freelance work continues to boom. It's been a crazy few weeks. Got hired to do some very technical/engineer-y type training piece. No idea what I was saying. But I apparently said it well enough that they asked me to do an additional section of the training for them. The other reads that have cropped up have been a piece of cake compared to that one. But, doing that one was a good challenge....made the other stuff seem easier by comparison.

 

Even the office gig has been ok. They re-structured the benefits package in such a way that I'm not all that gung-ho to jet out of here at the first opportunity. It's like...hmmmm....how am I gonna replace that and that and that for that kind of money? I'm probably not. So, I'll continue to do the balancing act...and do essentially 2 full time jobs.

 

More Cymbata-driven observations. Including this: Someone else's actions do not have to trigger a reaction in me. I can choose not to react, and I can choose to not be irritated. I don't have to get sucked into that unproductive dance. With a small amount of effort, I can choose NOT TO...instead of being goaded into dancing when I don't want to.

[shes2smart]

What Am I Supposed To Do With All These, Anyway?

 

The observations I'm having. The ones my therapist suggested I make a note of and document in some forrm. I mean, generally, if someone has or gains knowledge or insight, don't they eventually make some sort of use of it?

 

*****

You complained about a guy you knew. It wasn't the first time. I asked why you disliked the guy so much. You cited how he was self-serving/selfish. How he'd only make some sort of effort if there was something in it for him. I thought it was hypocritical of you to point that out as your main reason for disliking the guy. I mean, if we look at your behavior, you often do something similar yourself. Or don't you see that?

*****

There are some people in the world I will never get along with or understand, no matter how much effort I may put into the getting along with or understanding. It's best just to let those people pass through as quickly as possible. It will prove to be less irritating for both of us that way.

*****

One of the people at work *sounds* just like the alcoholic. I hear him talk and I look up and expect to see the alcoholic. But instead I look up and see a guy who happens to work at the same place I do. And it's weird....because part of me kinda wants to look up and see the alcoholic standing accross the room.

*****

Feed a cat a diet of only canned food and he becomes very dependent on you. If you feed only dry food, they don't get all clingy and demanding.

*****

When did you get so picky? Certain things have to be just so, and if they're not, there's a good chance you'll throw a tantrum like a 2 year old and create unnecessary drama.

*****

Come to think of it, if you don't get your way, there's a good chance your first reaction will be throwing a tantrum, as well.

*****

I went to make a phone call the other day and discovered our home phone had no dial tone. I wonder how long it's been out. At this point, I know it's been out for at least 3 days. It's not really missed. Maybe it's time to cut that cord and just switch over to cell.

*****

What do I do with the things I've seen in the past several weeks. I can't un-see them. I can't un-notice them. I guess "do nothing" is always an option. Is it the best option, though?

*****

[shes2smart]

Yeah, That's Kinda What I Figured....

 

What? About a year and a half ago or so? I got the vibe that you'd be a more-that-willing shoulder to cry on if I gave you the slightest indication there was something I might want to cry (or whine) about. So, I've kept my distance.

 

Time passes, things happen, and I make remarks....irritation wrapped in humor, really. You read between the lines. And you offered your shoulder to cry on and a willing ear if I wanted to talk. Just like I thought you might. And I will pass, thanks. I will pass because I have a therapist. I will pass because I don't need the drama. I will pass because I believe that is the right thing to do. But that doesn't mean it wasn't a momentarily tempting offer.

 

Like the super-rich, ooey gooey, chocolatey, mega-sized dessert....tasty for the first few bites, then queasy and too sugary. I just want the idea of it, not the reality.

 

So, in my mind, I whined, I got a nice, "there, there" and maybe a sympathy pep talk. In reality, I'll just talk to my therapist. That's what I'm payin' her for.

 

But there it is. The same thing again. The same behaviors and dance that ended up with the flat screen TV and blue ray player in the living room. Sometimes, money (real or fake) has its value in making people shut up and stop whining and obsessing.

 

How much is some relative peace & quiet worth to you? This time...it's worth about that much. And maybe my payback for that was finding out I was right about someone with an available shoulder and open ear. For whatever reasons they chose to offer. I'll just focus on the fact that someone offered. To ponder the reasons behind the offer...eh, I don't need to be reminded about the sleaziness of some people in the world. The offer was made...and I'd like to pretend that the intentions were good. But I'm not going to do anything that would put me in a position to find out for sure. It's better that way.

 

But thank you for affirming my psychic ability all the same.