Oh Man. Did I Screw Up??

[pants of action]

I spoke to my ex this morning, and we were really civil. If anything, we were a little passive aggressive with each other, but we seemed to keep a sense of humor about it.

 

But when I told her that I'd be picking up the last of my DVDs when I come to get my info off the computer, I said, "Ok, then we'll be done". I don't even know what I really meant by that, but when she pressed me about it, I said something like, "it means that I won't have to go round the apartment anymore, because I don't need to see you".

 

She got offended and we had a little discussion about what it means to break up. I said that breaking up meant that she decided that her life would be better without me in it. She said that breaking up meant that our relationship would change but that we'd still be connected.

 

It kind of stopped there, but I could tell I hurt her, at least a little, and I don't think I really wanted to. Of course, now I'm freaking out a little bit on the inside, worrying that I've ruined something, and that she won't want to speak to me anymore. What kind of damage do you guys think I've done?

[chai714]

You didn't screw up. You are right about what breaking up is and what it isn't. Breaking up does not mean staying friends afterwards, necessarily. Continue to let her know that when she said "goodbye" that gave you the green light to move forward and moving forward means not having her in your life. And let her know that she made the decision, not you. (hence, she chose to hurt herself thereforeeee she can only blame herself).

[majord23]

pants,

You should be proud of yourself - you did great.

Do not clarify what you said to your ex anymore, and do not retract your statement....even though you may feel you want to.

 

You did the right thing - you've done no damage at all pants - not in terms of reconciliation OR in terms of your healing.

 

You've made your ex see the reality of what her decision means AND you have maintained your dignity and self-respect. There aren't too many people around here that can claim that

[DN]

I agree with the above - breaking up has consequences and the 'dumper' doesn't get to define what the relationship will be after the break.

[lady00]

Agreed. You did nothing wrong. Don't go and apologize or you'll just fall into the trap of saying what you really think then regretting it then apologizing. What you said was true, don't feel bad for it.

[pants of action]

Thanks, everyone. I still feel like I should apologize or something, but I think I'll be able to just let it be.

It's weird, because I think I just realized that I spent a lot of time in our relationship looking out for her feelings, and many times, I was very very quick to catch myself and apologize. I don't get to put her first anymore, and it's kind of a strange feeling.

 

I go back and forth between wanting to be cool and collected with her, and wanting to gush forth with my feelings and devotion. But I know that I need to do what's best for me, which is to protect myself without burning any bridges.

 

I will not talk to her again until next week, regardless of how many times she calls or emails. It's actually been a great source of strength for me to see her unanswered email and her missed calls, and know that I didn't jump at the chance to communicate with her.

[melrich]

I agree. You just told it how it is.

[JohnnyTable]

I'm confused, why communicate with her at all?

 

And so what if you hurt her. That is her problem. Breaking up isn't a cakewalk.