Need Advice

[splinter]

Just like everyone else here I need advice and just like everyone else this is very long so I apologize in advance. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

My GF left me about a month ago after a 2 and a half year relationship. The difficult thing about this is I thought she was the one and was planning on popping the question soon. Also, the fact that I brought her over from another country and she lived with me before I think either of us was ready really strained the relationship. When she initially broke it off, I did the begging, the pleading, the whining, etc., but she said that she couldn't give me a second chance because she saw me more as an older brother. She did though say that she was so glad that she was able to meet me and wanted to remain friends. At the time I told her that I couldn't answer her at that point. I asked her to give me a month to collect my thoughts and then I would answer.

 

Well its been a month now and I am seeing her this weekend. During this month I have done a lot of soul searching and discovering a lot about myself and also I think I've started to understand how she feels. During this month we have kept our contact with each other at a minimum because I requested that. I finally called her this week and told her I am ready to meet with her and talk. I am quite nervous about this meeting because I want her back so bad, but don't know how she feels. I have decided though that I will not ask for her back. I already tried that once. In some people recommended that I write her a letter so I did and I was planning on reading it out out loud to her when I see her. Just wanted to hear some thoughts on what people think of this letter. Please let me know because I've never done anything like this before.

 

Thank you,

Splinter

 

I hope that you are doing well right now. I am writing this letter because I want to let you know something. Please bear with me, I've never really written a letter to anyone and the fact that I am writing my feelings is making this harder. Don't worry, while I miss you very much, I've realized that asking you back will not solve our problems right now. Besides that decision is something that you and only you can make or have made.

 

So what's on my mind right now? Actually, the same thing that has been on my mind for the last month, our relationship ending. Yes we had our differences. Yes we had issues, but in time I thought we could work them out and be happy together. I now realize that these differences and issues would have never been resolved if our relationship had remained the same.

 

I have thought a lot of our relationship and what I could've or should've done, because before you left me I thought I had been doing everything possible. Boy was I wrong, so I decided to write these thoughts down so I can understand them better and maybe you can too. These thoughts are basically ones I had during the relationships and what I now realize. I guess the main thing here is that I was wrong and I now understand why you left.

 

- Why couldn't you understand that I was only thinking of making you happy forever.

- Now I realize that I pressured you too much about things

 

- Why couldn't you understand that I was always thinking of your well being and trying to protect you.

- Now I realize that I treated you like a younger sister or a daughter instead of a girlfriend.

 

- Why couldn't you try to have fun when I took you places or tried to do things for you.

- Now I realize that you didn't have fun because I never asked you what you wanted to do and instead tried to impose what I found fun on you

 

- Why couldn't you understand that I am not good at grammar and couldn't help you with your homework all the time.

- Now I realize that if I couldn't help you with your homework I should've helped you in other ways.

 

-Why couldn't you understand that you owed me nothing, I wasn't expecting

anything from you. I just wanted you to be happy.

- Now I realize that of course you would feel you owed me something because I always

reminded you of what I was doing.

 

- Why didn't we have anything in common.

- Now I realize it wasn't because we had nothing in common we just never found similar likes that we could both enjoy together.

 

- Why couldn't you see that you were my everything and I loved you for who you are.

- Now I realize that I didn't accept you for who you are instead I tried to change you into something I wanted you to be.

 

- Why did you complain that I didn't communicate with you when I thought I was

- Now I realize that we weren't communicating, I was only telling you how it was, or trying to fix your problems when you just wanted to be heard.

 

- Why didn't you tell me you had issues.

- Now I realize that you tried in your own subtle ways and I just didn't listen.

 

- Why didn't you understand that sometimes I was too tired to take you places or do things

- Now I realize that you just wanted to spend quality time with me

 

- Why couldn't you just accept me for who I WAS

- Now I realize that you did and you were just trying to help me become a better person.

 

- Why couldn't you understand that I was working to support you

- Now I realize that this is never an excuse to ignore you.

 

- Why were you so selfish and never thought of me

- Now I realize that I was the selfish one who didn't think of your needs

 

- Why couldn't you understand that my friends love you just as much as they love me.

- Now I realize it was because they were MY friends

 

- Why couldn't you support me more.

- Now I realize you did, but I just took it for granted

 

- Why couldn't you realize that I was thinking about our future

- Now I realize that I ignored the present

 

- Why couldn't you understand that I was trying to introduce you to all my friends so that you would have lots of friends, when I couldn't be there.

- Now I realize I should've taken the time to become your friend first and always be there for you.

 

- Why couldn't we hang out with your friends so I could know them better

- Now I realize I didn't even take the time to get to get to know you.

 

- Why did you leave and break my heart

- Now I realize that you were stronger then me and made the right choice for the both of us.

 

When we first broke up you asked if we could be friends. I replied that I didn't know if I could do that. I felt so hurt and crushed. I thought that I could never recover. I was scared because I thought you were my future and now it was gone. I asked myself how could she do this to me and why would I want to remain friends with someone that hurt me so much.

 

Well now, I think I understand why and know that this was the best for the both of us. I also now understand that I can have my own life even if it is without you in it. I now feel that as long as you are happy with your decisions and your life I can be happy for you, even though I may not be the one that makes you happy. thereforeeeee, I would be very honored to be your friend if that is what you truly want. I can be your shoulder to cry on. I can be your emotional punching bag. I can be the person you ask advice from. I can be the person that listens when there is nothing important to say, but you just want to babble. I can be the person you turn to when you need someone the most. If you let me, I will always be there for you and that is the most important realization I have made.

 

This complicated thing called life, especially this past month has been very tough on me. I have grown and learned more about myself then I have in many many years, but at maybe a too high cost. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this because you are the one that made me realize this and given me the most important and painful gift that anyone has ever given me. You have also given me the best 2 and a half years of my life and I am so grateful that you stuck around with me for that long. Unfortunately this gift was realized too late and I am so so sorry for that. Please forgive me.

[HeartOnWheels]

A very tough situation there Splinter. My last girlfriend was from Australia and we clicked absolutely sensationally. An online relationship (which like a question I previously answered, has it's critics) that was going very well, it developed into regular phone calls which grew in number. Things moved fairly swiftly and she came over to the UK to be with me. It failed probably for a similar reason you found, we had rushed things and in our case, she was homesick and needed to get back to her family. I did the same things you did, the begging, the pleading, then I got upset, angry and bitter for a little while, especially as she had not stayed very long.

 

I found myself still loving her, even though she moved on quite soon after getting back home. In the end, if the other person doesn't love you in the same way you love them, it makes it impossible to rekindle any romance. Please be very careful, for your sake and hers. Do not hurt yourself anymore than you have been. You had a very good relationship for a good amount of time, now maybe you should both go your separate ways. I still have moments of weakness when I think of my ex, if you truly love someone, you do think of them and you'll always wonder how they are doing, even when you find someone new. I found though it is better to have a friendship with the person, than risk losing it all by asking them something you already know the answer to.

 

Good luck.

[splinter]

Thanks Heart on a wheel,

 

While I miss her very much. I am not angry at all, just extremley sad of course. The good thing is that even if she has moved on, I realized that I can be friends with her. Not that it won't be hard in the beginning, but I think I can do it. I really appreciate your input.

 

Splinter